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A few weeks ago, Xinrie asked the prospective commanders for a response to a list of situations. I chose to fit them all into one story. I post the resulting story solely for your amusement. Comment, critique, or ignore, as you prefer. Is it canon? Maybe, maybe not.

The Rubik's cube was Xinrie's doing. In a rare moment of forethought, she had ordered a birthday present for agent Rubiks before the birthday arrived - eleven months and two weeks before her birthday, in fact. The faces on the cube were tiny, and the cube was still larger than the truck carrying it. It was currently stored in the garage under a tarp labeled Hinge Removers because, as Kin put it, "it sure worked on Xinrie." Jenny had wondered how the recipient would turn it. The yet-to-be-named doctor had scowled hard enough to risk igniting the colored stickers with just his eyes. The boy with the wires - who was named Gregory - only asked resignedly how much it had cost.
"Too much," Joel said. He pointed to a number on a computer screen. "If that number's right, we don't have enough left in this account to cover next month's payroll."
"It's worse than that," Gregory answered. "Ryanna founded Mishaps using her own fortune. We've been living off an allowance from that for years, but it won't last much longer. By my estimate," he pointed at another figure on the screen, "our main source of income will run dry in a little over a year. After that, we'll be down to subsidies from the Mageians et al, and what we earn from missions."
"Can we make up the difference by doing more missions?"
Gregory snorted. "If we hire about fifty more mercenaries... and all of them pull in about twice as much as the current crew does now..." he held a finger to his mouth, pretending to think, "...nah. Still couldn't do it."
"Then we have to cut costs. Bring up the list of expenses."
Gregory tapped at the glowing red image of a keyboard projected on the table. In moments, the list on the screen changed to a long column of red numbers. "There you go. Who gets the axe?"
Joel scanned the list of expenses, picking out the least necessary ones first. "Cut the staff psychologist. Mercenaries are more effective when they're half nuts."
Puzzled, Gregory searched the list for that entry. "Huh. I didn't know he was still on there. I don't think anyone's ever used him."
"Then his retirement is long overdue. So is the zookeeper's."
"Actually, Mr. Forgle pulls his weight. The price of the care of mercenaries' pets is deducted from their paychecks, and his salary is less than the cost of repairs when an animal damages something."
"All right, leave him." Joel ran a finger along the computer screen. "Maintenance. Between all the vehicles, costumes, and weapons, we're wasting too much just keeping everything polished. Sell off half the fleet, for starters."
Gregory made a note. "By fleet, do you mean all vehicles, or just the boats?"
"We're in a forest, by the mountains, a thousand miles from any large body of water. Why do we have boats?"
Gregory shrugged. "Someone must really have wanted a yacht."
"Leave a rowboat that fits through the portal and sell the rest, in addition to half the cars."
Gregory made an addendum to the note. Then he looked up at Joel. "You realize, we can't sell all of this in time to meet payroll, don't you?"
Joel straightened and rubbed a crick in his neck from peering down at the screen. "Kin is checking her sources for a job big enough to cover that. The immediate expense won't a problem. There's always work for a mercenary."
Gregory typed another note. "Yeah, there's always work, but the high paying stuff is more dangerous. To cover expenses by the end of the month, you'd have to take something that could kill our agents."
Joel nodded. "That is why I intend to lead in whatever comes up." He looked at the computer again. "Cut toothpaste down to under ten flavors."
The door to the dispatch office opened, and Kin stuck her head inside. "Hey guys, I found us a job."

Five people walked through the forest along a red dirt path. Other than one chance meeting with a cart driver who was passing the other way, the five had the road to themselves. The air filled with their chatter.
"Who was that other kid at the meeting yesterday?" Joel asked. "The mechanic. He didn't talk much."
"That's because he can't," Kin answered. "He's mute. And deaf."
"Oh."
"And he knows three sign languages."
"So he's good with his hands."
Kin nodded. "And he writes me sonnets on AIM."
For the mission, Joel had chosen a light green peasant shirt and a floppy hat. Under the shirt he wore leather armor. He would have been inconspicuous, except for the broadsword strapped to his back.
Kin made no attempt to be inconspicuous. She had chosen to keep her grey face paint and crazy blue hair, and added bangles and sequins to the mix. The result made her look like an exotic dancer, or a child gypsy. She had a knife on her person, only because the others had insisted that she not travel unarmed.
"That's just... Wow," Jen said. Jen had found out that overalls and a belt full of inexplicable tools was acceptable garb in this world, so she wore her everyday work clothes to go adventuring. As it turned out, Jen only worked as an all around mechanic as a hobby when her primary function ran slow, her primary function being portal technician. The job of portal technician required six doctorates just to understand what a portal did, and more to make repairs if the portal machine broke. Initially, Joel had initially refused to take her, but she had pointed out that many mercenaries had even rarer qualifications, and they had another portal technician if anything happened to her.
The doctor, Victor Kriez, had joined for reasons unknown. When he had volunteered, he seemed merely grumpy instead angry. Joel took that as a good sign. He walked apart from the others, speaking only when spoken to, and then only terse answers.
When Joel had searched for a team to take on the quest to rescue the prince, he had found that only one mercenary other than himself was available at the time. He had filled the ranks with noncombatant volunteers. The one mercenary was a tall thin woman named Ashuna. She had long black hair, and dressed in black. At her side she wore a rapier. She spent her time on the road trying to be dramatic.
"Hm. Hey, I think I hear your friend," Joel said to Kin. Somewhere farther up the road, someone was playing music. The sound grew louder as they approached the source.
A woman in brown leather sat on a rock playing an pennywhistle. When the group approached, she glanced up and played a trill just for them. The player finished the song and gently put down her whistle. Kin dashed out and glomped her.
"Sierra!"
"Hi Kin!" Sierra ruffled Kin's blue hair. How is my little pixie?"
"Don't call me a pixie!"
"You are!" Sierra pointed at Joel's ears. "And you've brought an elf!"
"Groundwalker's not an elf!" Kin looked at Joel. "Are you?"
"Only partly." Joel said. "My great great great grandmother was an elf. Great woman, but I never understood a word she said because she kept referring to events that happened a thousand years before I was born."
Sierra laughed.
"Um, everyone, this is Sierra," Kin said. "She's my source of information in Tang Ascent. Sierra, this is everyone. Groundwalker, Dr. Kriez, Jen... Hey, Groundwalker, since we're mercenaries now, do we get code names?"
"I already have one," said Ashuna. "It's Lethe."
"Did you pick that out yourself?" asked Sierra.
"No. It's what they called me when I was an assassin, because I could walk through an army and not one soldier could remember that I passed."
"Indeed," said Sierra. She obviously did not believe Ashuna's boasting, but she was too polite to contradict her.
"Jen, how about Hinge for you?" Joel suggested.
"Hinge?" Ashuna asked skeptically.
"She opens doors, doesn't she?"
"... That works." Ashuna shrugged. "It's a lot better than my idea."
"What was your idea?"
"It wasn't nice."
"I was called Kaydoc when I was in the army," Dr. Kriez said.
"What about me?" Kin squeeked. "What's my nickname?"
"Pixie," Sierra, Joel, and Jen said in unison.
Kin's jaw dropped. She sputtered her indignation.
"Sierra," Jen started, but Sierra stopped her. "I'm just a musician," Sierra said. "I plan to be far away when the fighting starts. So just call me by my real name."
"What makes you think there will be any fighting?" Joel asked.
"Half of you are carrying swords. It doesn't matter if you planned for a picnic, commander." Sierra said. "When men carry swords, they will feel compelled to draw them."
"So you're a pacifist," Joel said.
Sierra shook her head. "I have my own knife right here," she said, patting her skirt. "I just know my audience. It's what I do."
"What can you say about this group?" Joel asked, testing her.
"I know that Kin's hair is naturally that color."
"You've known her for too long, do someone else."
"All right. The doctor back there is tense, like a retired soldier. He is used to the common animals, unlike the rest of you. I would guess that in his youth, the doctor back there was a combat medic for the Greater Tang."
"That's pretty good," Joel said. It was news to him, at least.
"There's something wrong with your right arm. It doesn't flex right."
Considering that his sleeve was baggy, and Joel had years of experience hiding his arm, Sierra must have had a very sharp eye. Joel rolled up his sleeve, revealing his wooden arm.
Sierra looked it over critically. The hand on the end confused her, but she could accept it as just magic. "What is this picture?" she asked, pointing at an image of a winged badger.
"It looks like a kaiju," Kin said. "It's kind of like a giant water dragon," she added for Sierra.
"It's a winged badger. It was the official symbol of a group that I once worked for on Wayward," Joel said. He let the sleeve down again. "You have a sharp eye," he complimented Sierra.
"It comes in handy. I saw the prince the other day, for instance."
Joel looked at her sharply. "Where?"
Sierra held out a hand. Joel laid a gold coin on it. Sierra made the coin vanish into thin air.
"I entertained at the manor of Count Friedrich the other day. He has recently added several guards around his manor. These men are stationed around one room on the second floor."
"Have they injured the prince at all?"
Sierra looked offended. "They wouldn't!"
"It's true," Kin said. "Royalty is considered one step away from God here. No one will even think about putting him in danger."
"Sorry." Joel offered another gold coin. Sierra took it, and they began to discuss the layout of the house and the positions of the guards. Sierra seemed to have memorized the floor plan of the entire house and the rotations of all the guards, making her invaluable as an aid to planning. When Joel felt that he had extracted all the information he could from her, he excused himself to talk to Dr. Kriez.
"Sierra says that you're from around here," Joel said quietly. He didn't want to get involved in Kriez's personal affairs, but the doctor's loyalties could affect the mission.
"Yes." The doctor answered shortly.
"You were a combat medic once?" Joel probed.
"I was a medic for the Tang army when this was just the Tang, not Tang Greater and Tang Ascent. I tried to prevent this little rebellion from breaking up the Tang, and I failed. Now, here we are, helping these rebels."
"We are mercenaries, Kaydoc. We fight for what we believe in. If we were patriotic, we would have joined the army."
"No, Groundwalker. You are a mercenary. I am just a doctor, and I did join the army."
"I just need to know one thing, Kaydoc. Will your past loyalties get in the way of the mission?"
"No. The war is over now."
"That's all I need to know." Joel walked over to Ashuna. "You're lagging behind, Lethe. What's wrong?"
"Nothing." Ashuna rubbed at the shoulder of her shirt. "I just wish I hadn't worn this much black leather."

A pennywhistle never sounded so mournful.
Joel said a word or two over the body of Dr. Kriez. Then the rest of the uninjured members of the group heaped rocks over the corpse while Sierra played a dirge. After an appropriate time had passed, Sierra announced that she had to part from their company, as it would not be safe for her to travel with them any farther. Joel sent her off with a few coins they had brought for traveling expenses.
Ashuna had returned from chasing the assassin saying, "he got away." She refused to say anything else until after the roadside funeral. When she did, she quickly changed the subject. "Why do you have a katana?" she asked Jen.
Jen looked up from her moping. "A katana is consistently rated among the best weapons in functionality, versatility, and aesthetic -"
"No," Ashuna interrupted, "I meant, why do you use one? You're not a mercenary, you're a mechanic."
"I'm not just a mechanic, I'm a portal technician."
"So?"
"Have you ever seen what comes out of a portal when there's a glitch somewhere in the system?"
"No."
"A hundred and fifty kaiju," Joel said, coming up behind them, "and half the sea with them. That's what happened to Wayward."
Ashuna jumped. She looked at Joel as if she were wondering whether he was joking. Then she looked respectfully at Jen.
"Change of plans," Joel said. "This is going to be more violent than I first planned. Hinge, I want you to take Pixie as far away from here as possible."
"Is back to base far enough?"
"That's perfect," Joel said.
"What are we gonna do?" Ashuna asked.
"We're going to complete the mission. The courtyard, and especially the windows will be watched by snipers. You will get past the yard by riding in on a laundry cart. There will only be one guard at the cellar door, so do whatever you want to get past him. The cellar connects to the rest of the house by an enormous dumbwaiter. Crawl through that to get to the study in the main house, but wait until Friedrich leaves before you enter. There will be a hole through the roof of the study, with a skylight above that. Get to the skylight hole by going through the bedroom adjacent to the study, and then go through the skylight to get to the roof. There are at least two snipers on the roof. Kill them, and the yard right of the house should be cleared, but if it isn't, feel free to use the guards weapons to do a little sniping of your own. Once the courtyard is safe, you can climb down to the Prince's bedroom window unobserved. You and he will then use some rope to climb down to the ground. From there it's just a straight run to the woods, which is your element. Evade or eliminate anyone who follows you."
Ashuna gaped at Joel. Finally, she asked, "Um. Okaaay. And what about you?"
"Oh, I'm just going to knock on the front door and ask to be let in," Joel said.

Green expanses surrounded the manor house. Carefully trimmed grass met rose bushes around the main building. Three stories of Victorian architecture created an atmosphere of grandness, accentuated by the fading light of day. A single tower rose above the rest of the house. The prince would not be in that tower, but a sniper would be. Joel gave Ashuna thirty minutes to get into position. Starting from far enough back that the guards would not see him pop out of hiding, Joel ambled up the road leading to the manor.
"Hello there!" he called to the guards. "Is the master of the house at home?"
The guards at the front door looked uncertainly at each other. Finally one answered, "He is, but he is not entertaining visitors at this time."
"Can he make an exception?" Joel pleaded. "The roads aren't safe for travelers these days."
The man shook his head. "I'm sorry, but those are my orders. There's a town a few..."
"Oh, tut, tut, Jeffrey," came a voice inside the house. "We are not barbarians. Travelers are always welcome in my home. Come in, sir." The door opened, and Joel got his first look at Count Friedrich.
The man was heavyset, naturally big and strong, but not an athlete. He had a square face and light brown hair. He wore a cloak which was either blue or green, though Joel couldn't tell which.
Joel hung his sword up by the door. If he needed it, he would be outnumbered ten to one anyways. He and Friedrich talked about the architecture of the house, the long past civil war, and other topics. The subject matter was interesting, but the real purpose was to keep Friedrich out of the study. An odd tree was visible through one of the doors. Joel craned his neck for a better view.
"Ah, you've noticed my garden," Friedrich said happily. "Would you like a better look?"
The garden was as far away from where Lethe should be as it was possible to get and still be in the house, so Joel said yes. They walked into the garden, and Friedrich pointed out a few of the rarer plants.
"Lafiette is supposed to be here. Lafiette!" Friedrich called. No one answered.
To cover the silence, Joel asked Friedrich about his garden. "Impressive, isn't it?" Friedrich said. "I have plants from as far away as Urkhal growing here. This one is carnivorous, and will devour small rodents if they are foolish enough to come within reach of its pods." He jerked his hand away as the plant snapped a pod at him. "I named it Jimmy. Bad Jimmy." Friedrich smacked the plant.
"The soil here is red, but Urkhal is practically made of sand. How do you get plants from such different regions to grow so close together?"
Friedrich winked. "That's easy, we teach them all Esperanto. Lafiette!"
Joel could think of a very good reason why Lafiette wouldn't answer. It involved Ashuna and a killing spree. If that was the case, she would get such a chewing out later. The success of the mission now depended on how long Joel could keep Friedrich from realizing that his men were vanishing. "How did you acquire this one? I've never seen that many colors of flower on a single plant."
"It's a common multi-hued rhododendron, but I've found that the color of the flowers depends on the amount of light that the plant gets. Hmm, it seems that Lafiette is missing, which means that it's about time that I do this." Friedrich spun around,
thrusting a dagger at Joel.
A black blur whirled between them, knocking Friedrich away. He fell against a tree. In two steps Ashuna reached him.
"Hold, Lethe!"
Ashuna stopped with her rapier inches away from the Count's heart.
"Your timing needs a little work." Joel pulled the knife out of the wood of his right arm, which he had used to block the Count's attack. He looked regretfully through the damaged sleeve at the cut in the wood. "Shame. This arm lasted two years. Why are you here, Lethe?"
"The kid wasn't there. They moved the kid on us."
Alarmed by the commotion, ten men armed with swords filed into the garden. They stopped when they saw their lord held at sword's point. "Stay back, or the fat man gets it!" Joel yelled. He pointed the knife at each of the guards, who each fell back in turn. One of guards Joel recognized, and it became clear why things had gone badly wrong in the last few minutes.
"You killed one of my men."
The man smiled nervously, showing that he had several teeth missing. "I was just the distraction. He did the killing," the man said, pointing at the guard next to him. The man he pointed to got an ugly look on his face, as if the first man had just numbered his own days. "But we got a week's pay out of it."
Joel started to ask from who, but the answer was obvious. "Friedrich..."
Friedrich snorted. "I said I fought for the freedom of Tang Ascent. Your man went by the name Kaydoc back then, and he used his skill as a doctor against us. He murdered ten men in my group before we realized that they weren't dying from their injuries. When we tried to get him for it, Kaydoc got away, and he poisoned our water. When I saw him in your group, I had these two kill him." Friedrich began counting on his fingers, ignoring the rapier threatening his life. "Kaydoc is dead. The fairy girl was an accident. The lady was too well fed to be anything but a noble, and would not have joined mere thugs in your work. Sierra, I know, abhors violence, and would never be a part of this. That means it's just the two of them, boys. Kill them. The prince will kill me anyway if he gets away."
All ten men stepped forward, swords raised.
Ashuna pressed her rapier against the Count's neck.
Joel looked at his dagger in disgust.
A tiny figure jumped around behind the guards yelling "Ha!" and slashing with a short sword. For a moment Joel wondered if Sierra or even Kin had returned, but no. This inept newcomer was a boy hardly into his teens. He waved his sword around as if he thought he were a master swordsman, even though he had obviously never used a sword in his life. He had blown his attempt at a backstab by slashing instead of stabbing, leaving the guard he attacked surprised and bleeding, but not significantly injured. The guard couldn't see who had attacked him, so he reacted from instinct, and threw the boy into the carnivorous plant. Then he and the rest of the guards realized who the boy was.
All ten guards turned white. "Prince Colm!" they shouted, and four of them dived in after him, hacking at the plant. The rest looked anxiously for an opening. Joel followed the four, shouldering men aside, and pulled the prince out by his ankles. One of the plants pincer leaves had attached itself to the boy's head. The guards hacked at the plant until the pincer was free, then pried the leaf from the boy's head. It finally snapped free, but it was too late.
Prince Colm flailed and screamed in pain. He was alive, but horrible, unspeakable things had happened to his ears.
Joel wrestled him into submission. He picked up prince Colm and held the knife with the other hand. "Ashuna! Let the Count go; we have a better hostage."
The guards suddenly realized that Joel had the prince and they did not. They also realized that there was nothing they could do about it. Joel held their prince, who was one step removed from God in their eyes. The guards lowered their weapons.
Ashuna wrestled with the order to let the Count go. When Joel repeated the order, she spat on the Count. Turning her back on him, she walked to Joel. The guards made a path between them for her.
Joel transferred the prince to her hands. Then he walked back through the rows of guards. The one with missing teeth hunched over, expecting to be killed. Joel passed him by, saying, "It was just business."
He came to the one who had fired the shot which killed Dr. Kriez. The man held his breath. "Just business," Joel said, and passed him by.
Joel came to Friedrich. Friedrich slowly eased himself to his feet. He looked Joel in the eyes. Joel nodded and said "It's personal."
Ten minutes later, Joel and Ashuna were on their way back to the palace, leaving the guards to bury their lord.