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 Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 1:46 pm
¨*:·.♥.·:*¨Last year, I did what I swore I'd avoid doing at all costs. I filed for child support.
My ex...Kylie's father (Ky is almost 4 now, FYI) hasn't seen her since she was 6 months old. He's made...no effort to support us. I've tried negotiating, saying just throw a little financial support whenever Ky really needed something, like new clothes, and we'd be cool. I kept getting false promises of "I'll send the check as soon as I get paid", etc. Of course, those promises were broken. Over, and over, and over again.
So I've been dealing with the hardship of trying to raise a child on my own. I'm sure many of you are all too aware of how that goes.
But times have been hard. I was in a car accident, Kylie started getting sick, gas prices went up, expenses for everything went up...my boyfriend couldn't help because he's still paying for the expenses of his unexpected cancer.
When I realized I wouldn't be able to keep it up forever, I filed for child support.
My ex, he's in California, I'm in Texas. He used to live here, but he moved when Ky was still a baby. He messaged me (here on Gaia, no less), saying he got served and all that, we have court in September. Now he's bringing up the possibilities of visitation.
I don't want that. She doesn't know him. He doesn't know her. He's never taken care of a child. He's irresponsible, selfish, and is possibly still doing drugs.
I can't possibly fathom what he'd want visitation for, except as revenge, and that makes it even worse. I'm terrified he could take her from me, hurt her...
What...what do y'all realistically think the odds are of him getting visitation? I'm sort of in between a rock and a hard place. The financial support he could give would mean all the difference between struggling to stay afloat and simply working hard, but...I'm scared of what impact he'll have in her life. She's got positive male influences, but I don't like the idea of him just suddenly showing up as "Hey I'm Daddy". Even if he doesn't completely screw up, the odds of him sticking around emotionally are...well, let's just say I'd bet my car had better odds of hitting a brick wall at 120mph and coming out unscathed. neutral
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Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 5:03 pm
Take a deep breath and try not to overworry it.
First off, child support and visitation are two seperate things. Just because he may pay child support on time, every time, it has no bearing on visitation rights. That's a seperate issue and he has to get a lawyer and the like. I'd wait for him to actually do that first. That and whether he actually pays it. I know a lot of deadbeat parents cheat the system to avoid paying.
As for the worries, I think if he HAS changed, does he not deserve a chance to see his daughter? I don't know all your circumstances, but I know my dh does not have visitation of our stepson (due to being out of state), and it's heartbreaking at times. Of course, that's just based on my case and me trying to be overly positive, I have a feeling he's nowhere near that, sadly.
If you're that concerned, bring up the possibility of him signing over his rights. That would mean no child support, but it's an option if you're in that much fear.
Hang in there, hon. For all of you. Just take it one step at a time and see if he really means it. OH, and document everything in regards to him. Send bills via certified mail so he can't contest it.
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Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 8:37 pm
I see you changed your name again...had to think a moment about who you are. smile
As Luna already said, child support and visitation rights are two different court orders. Just because he pays support doesn't mean he gets visitation and vice-versa.
I think it would benefit you to seek legal council in regards to the custody situation...to find out what information should be presented and how to do it. Also, if you honestly worry that he's still doing drugs, you can find out if the court can do anything about that to test him and if it would have a bearing on custody. If you have a hearing about it, I would make sure to present the fact that he left and has never shown an interest in his daughter until now and has made himself unavailable to her. You mentioned something about hurting Ky. If you have past history of his being abusive, something that should be brought to light, it should be brought to the attention of the court if a custody hearing were to occur. Once again, I'd get some legal counsel on the best way to present such information.
You seem worried that somehow he's going to get her legally? Or are you worried he'll run off with her? If he were to take her at a time he didn't have visitation rights (if they are established), or try to keep her longer, that would be considered kidnapping.
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Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 6:30 pm
¨*:·.♥.·:*¨@Luna - If he truly had changed, I'd want him in her life, no matter what issues may be between the two of us. I know too well from my own life how important the father figure is. D: And while my boyfriend is an amazing role in her life, I'd like Kylie to know and have a relationship with a father who wants to know her, and have a relationship with her. I want that so bad for her. I don't want her growing up knowing what it feels like to have him absent in her life.
But I know him, and I know his routine. And while I'm hoping every day that this is for real, that his interest in her is sincere this time, I fear it's not. When I asked him what he even wanted visitation for in the first place, since he's shown NO interest in her for all but a total of a couple of weeks of her life until now, he said "I don't know. Moral obligation and curiosity, I guess". I don't buy it. Not with service papers suddenly prompting it. And I don't want her to be subjected to a "father" who's only around when he has to be, or if it's convenient for him. She deserves better, y'know? D:
Signing over his rights would be an option, but then I'm back at square one, I guess. If it comes down to it, I suppose I'll have to do it, though...
@Pirate Dirge - Yeah, I've gotta stop changing it. xD I'm confusing people.
I'm prolly gonna talk to a lawyer pretty soon. I'm gathering up all the relevant things I can find to present to the court...photos, conversations, etc. Thankfully his scare tactics when I was pregnant made me careful enough to save everything.
The abuse factor is...odd. He never hit me. Never outwardly berated me. But having been in abusive situations before, there were certain things I recognized. Isolation, control, emotional blackmail, etc. And for all of one night (I moved out secretly the following morning), I slept with a knife in order to protect myself, because I had a strange feeling that he was going to, or was considering hurting me. However, no proof, so while I can sign an affidavit to the effect, I'm unsure of how much stock the judge will give it.
I am a little worried about the kidnapping thing, truthfully. I don't know if it's my over-protectiveness of her, or if it's even founded...but I can't help but remember how unpredictable he can be, and how easily he can leave the country (he has connections), or disappear in the states with all his friends and relatives scattered around the country.
I think my job is making me paranoid though. Working in CPS puts all the worst case scenarios in front of me every day. sweatdrop
I'll try and kinda calm down about it. Ky has no idea any of this is happening, of course, but my stomach has been in knots since he was served. I just hope, that whatever happens, it really is what's best for her. D:
Thanks for replying, guys. <3
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