Welcome to Gaia! ::

Good morning, Delmor! I’m Nima Sonam and this is the Channel Q morning report! Our top story this morning: “Planet in Peril.” But first, let’s turn to my co-anchor, Brian Blaise. You’re participating in an unusual protest, Brian, why don’t you tell us about it?

Thanks, Nima, it’s called “No Pants for Peace.” Myself and over two other people nationwide are refusing to wear pants until the government stops all wars forever.

That’s quite a commitment, Brian, and I wish you the best of luck. Coming up is our top story, “Planet in Peril,” after this special story from correspondent Allister Garvey.

Music. It has been a uniter and divider of generations for generations. It has protested, encouraged, and been just plain obnoxious. But now, some officials are claiming it has become a weapon.

Three months ago, a virtually unheard of music group released a single titled “Blame the Government (Riot in the Streets).” Since then, B.A.N.D. and their song have become household names. Within days, the group made enough money to fund their own cross-country tour. And tour they did. Of course, we’ve all heard what happened next. Riots. Everywhere that B.A.N.D. played, their audience would leave the show and promptly destroy whatever came to hand. Officials began to pay B.A.N.D. to not play in their cities.

So what does the super group plan to do with all their money? They’ve used it to purchase a summer home right here in Delmor. What does this mean for our peaceful little town? I asked local mother Pam Spritz for her thoughts:

“I think B.A.N.D. is sending our kids the wrong message. I’ve always encouraged my kids to blame the government, but we should show our displeasure with peaceful protests and petitions. You know, ways that involve a lot of whining with no real action. It’s much safer that way.”

As you can see behind me, the seaside manor B.A.N.D. plans to buy is huge. I mean, HUGE huge. Like whoa. What the group plays to do with it and Delmor remains to be seen. This is Allister Garvey signing off.

Thank you, Allister. Now, before we get to our top story, “Planet In Peril,” we have a special segment. Our intern, Annie Body, is standing by live for another edition of “Hobo Knows Best.” Take it away, Annie.

Thanks, Nima. Hello, Delmor, and welcome to “Hobo Knows Best.” Today, I have with me local legend Boxes. You may know him as the man who begs for change at the fish market. You know, the one who begs for change from the fish? How are you today, Boxes?

I’m fine, Annie, and may I say the alien mind rays have done wonders for you.

Umm… Thanks? Anyway, as everyone knows, Delmor was saved by a group of young heroes a while back. The group mysteriously disbanded a few weeks later and hasn’t been heard from since. Word on the street is that you know what happened. Can you enlighten us?

It would be a pleasure, Annie. The same people who took my cat kidnapped them: the government. You see the government is running a top secret breeding program for super humans.

And your cat?

Exactly. It may be hard to believe, but remember that these are the same people who sank the titanic, killed Elvis, and created the IRS.

One of those is right, I guess.

They also are the reason milk goes sour, you know.

You don’t say! Well, I think that’s all for this edition of “Hobo Knows Best.” Back to you, Nima.

Well, that’s all for the morning report. Be sure to tune in tonight for “Planet in Peril.” Until then, this is Nima Sonam signing off for Channel Q News, where the news doesn’t have to make sense.

Good evening Delmor and welcome to the eleven o'clock news! I'm Nima Sonam bringing you your nightly news. I'll be filling in for Brian B. Blaise tonight who couldn't be here since he is attending a pantsless protest to convince the government to stop all wars forever.

Today, our station was first to report the situation at the local public high school, and brought you the news exclusively. We took your calls all afternoon and now we bring you the full story. A long complicated story, but a story nonetheless. After a shooting at the Museum of Really Rather Recent stuff a police chase ensued as the shooters fled the scene where they were presumably stealing something rather recent and also quite expensive. Ultimately believing they would be safe in the High School with children as hostages and police unwilling to endanger the children, the felons entered the high school, where they blended in with students mingling the hallways before classes began for the day.

The police were not far behind, however, and quickly alerted the administration of the situation while the school went into lock down. In the chaos that ensued, three female students were injured in an event unrelated to the shooting occurring in the hallway and they were taken to the emergency room for medical care. All three girls are expected to make a full recovery, though two are being kept overnight for observation. Their names are not being released to protect their identity.

The police force in Delmor has assured us that the shooters are being dealt with accordingly. We thank all our town heroes for all the hard work they put in today to keep our children safe. The administration of the local school has informed me that school has been canceled for the remainder of the week to allow students time to recover from the stress of today. Counselors will be available for their return to school on Monday.

Delmor, this is your Wednesday Night news. Nima Sonam, Signing off.

Good evening, Delmor! As always, I'm Nima Sonam here with the Channel Q evening edition. Joining me tonight is my coanchor, Brian Blaise.

Thank you, Nima. I'm Brian- Wait, you already introduced me? Aw, now what am I going to talk about?

You could tell us about how your protest is going.

Protest?

Yeah, "No Pants for Peace," right?

OH! That protest! To be honest, I had almost forgot. I just figured I wasn't wearing pants because I was that awesome. Let's see... Nope, there's still war. The pantsless vigil must continue.

I'm sorry to hear that, Brian. We turn now to our entertainment report with Alister Garvey.

Thank you Nima. As you can see, I'm standing in front of the Pacific Unity nightclub where B.A.N.D. has announced they will be playing tonight's Teen Dance Night. I was unable to interview any of the actual members, but here with me is one of their robotic assistants. It's good to talk to you, uhh...

Run program: Introduction. Greetings sir or madam, I am designation 13R0Y.

Well, 13R0Y, how is it working for the world famous B.A.N.D.?

Wonderful. Please move as I have important -Insert Task- to do.

Hey, don't you brush me off! I'm talking to you!

Run program: Snappy Comeback. Your mother talks to you. Oh. Oh. I went there.

Why you overgrown tin can- Hey! Let go of me!

Hostility detected. Please refer all further questions to -Insert Scapegoat-. Thank you for your cake, you will be timed.

TRANSMISSION CUT

Well... Uh... I guess that's all for this edition of Channel Q News. Join us tomorrow when we'll have Alister out of that dumpster. Until then, this is Nima Sonam for Channel Q News, where the news doesn't have to make sense.

Good evening, Delmor! I'm Annie Body and this is the Channel Q news: Prom Edition, sponsored by Warpath energy drink. Warpath: Drink like a Spartan. Let me introduce my coanchor and date, Teddy Longbottom. You probably know him as "That Weird Guy Who Never Takes off The Mascot Costume." Teddy?

Hello, Annie, it sure is great to be here with you.

Before we begin, Teddy, I have to ask you a question. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's wondered, so maybe you could shed some light on one of DUHS' great mysteries.

Okay, what is it?

Well, it's strange enough that you never take that costume off, but we're the Delmor Donkeys. Any reason why you wear a penguin costume?

Well, Annie, you could say I don't want to make an a** of myself.

You've certainly failed beyond your knowing on that one, Teddy. We turn now to an interview of one of our lucky prom-goers. How about you!

Uh, me?

Yes, you! Who are you?

....uh.... Alma... Thompsmith?... Freshman?

Can you tell me a little about your outfit tonight, Alma?

Um, I... felt that white isn't necessary for Prom?

What are you looking forward to the most at Prom?

Honestly, nothing....

How excited are you that B.A.N.D. is playing?

Not in the slightest. If they had Frying Pan playing....

Who's your date?

Edwin Ge'Elwood, he's here somewhere....

Thank you, Alma, for your time. Enjoy Prom! Well, that's all for us right now. We'll be back after a short break and this word from our sponsor.

Sigh. It sure is boring sitting all alone by this huge hole.

HEY, KID! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'm just sitting by this hole. It's so hard to stay energized when there's nothing to do.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU COULD USE A LIFT! HERE!

"Warpath?" Well I guess I'll try a sip...

A SIP? CHUG IT LIKE A MAN, SISSY BOY!

Chug it? That's madness!

MADNESS? THAT IS WARPATH!

AHHHHHH! You kicked me...