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 Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 5:58 am
In the discussion forums and all in Gaia, I often see that topic come up; about meeting and being engaged in a close relationship without meeting in real life.
What do you think about it? Do you think it will work out? Yes? No? And why? What are the pros and cons?
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Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 6:10 pm
I think that's just not possible. Relationships aren't the same without physical contact. When you're young, like 11 or 13 or some silly young age where you have no clue what a real relationship is, than yeah, it can work. Because you don't understand the need for physical contact.
But if you're even the slightest bit mature, you have to realize that they won't work at all. Typing out the words, "*Hugs you*" or "*Kisses you*" is no where near the real thing and doesn't provide the same effect. Also, having a real relationship as opposed to having an online one is a much more attractive deal. Actually getting to see the person, hug them, kiss them, hang out with them, talk to them fact to face? Those are the things people take for granted that a lot of people wish they could probably have with their "online" relationships.
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The Committee Staff Gaian
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Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 6:27 am
Although there are some cases of long distance relationship couples marrying etc - as mentioned in Gaia once as well...but I think it's pretty rare to see it continue and get the trust going for a long time when you're actually in one.
I think...unless you can fully trust the other, you can't just be in such a relationship. That's sort of why I broke up with boy too. I had it going good for almost 3 years. He had always been honest, and told me about anything to not worry me. But I let him go anyway, since there were two other girls that were bothering him all the time, trying to break us up. So yeah, I thought it better to let it go until something really big that could get me upset happen - which almost happened a week before I broke up with him.
So yeah, it's all about trust and hoping that one day the 'dreams' will come true. Although it is possible, and although it's not necessarily stupid, it's hard. It's extremely difficult.
Usually, people that go with such relationship, is because...
1) they are shy, and is not self-confident to get one or even talk to a guy in real life...(which was how I and he used to be)
2) they want to hope that this will last just as well as others without hugging or kissing because that's not all there is to a relationship (and I still believe so)
3) the partner just somehow luckily happened to have many similarities as you, such as hobbies, likes and dislikes.
The good thing about going through things like this is that it makes you more confident, and more...open to the real world I guess. In a way, I don't mind just hanging around/getting along with guys in the school, talking to them without looking away etc anymore. It seems...I gained more courage and learned to speak out. Also...it can get you uh, a bit depressed, which might lead you to something worse. I've been through it, and I think that's what helped me judge people harshly looking at their qualities better than ever.
Edit:
Oh, and just for a note, not every email-chat relationships caused by living/moving in/to different countries do things such as *hugs you* etc...
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Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 7:26 am
I met my current boyfriend on Stickam, a webcam chat site, and he is hands down the most delightful human being I've ever encountered, and our relationship is healthier than most people who see each other every day. We are neither immature nor unwise to the ways of the world. We've visited each others' homes numerous times each and he will moving to join me as soon as budget allows. I can safely say that this is love and not an infatuation.
I was previously actually quite skeptical to meeting a person over the internet, because I believed that without being able to be around the person and enjoy the physical comforts of them it was simply not "valid". My opinion has shifted now, especially with the advances and technology that allow you to see and hear a person (this seems a much more genuine connection in my opinion). Although internet dating sites such as eHarmony strike me as little more than a sham, I think that it is not impossible to meet a person and truly come to love them over this series of tubes.
I think it takes more maturity and self-restraint, in fact, than those around you that are in physical proximity of one another. You have to be dedicated to that person, able to control your physical urges which are so grossly neglected for however long, and able to realize that love is not just about kissing and hugging and intercourse.
Also, I agree, I highly doubt people in a serious online relationship go "*kisses you*". The comedy of that is simply too much. I may add more later, but for now I have to leave to work.
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Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 11:25 am
Haha, I guess you guys have a point. I wouldn't know what those relationships ensue, so I'm merely assuming what they do in the "*hugs you*/*kisses you*" regard."
Though I used those to get across my point, which is that the physical element of the relationship suffers too much. And in a serious relationship, some physicality is needed. Personally, I think it's the little things that really matter, in a physical sense. The eskimo kisses, cuddling, holding hands, etc. Those little things mean a lot, at least to me.
And yes, love doesn't require full physical contact, but it requires some. How do you know if you'll feel safe in that person's arms? How do you know that there's a connection when you kiss? (OP says relationships 'without meeting in real life.') I mean, honestly, can it really be called a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship if you can't do any of that? It's more like being really, really good friends if there's no physical element.
I can understand online relationships when you're young, but not so much when you're older. I mean, ask a Marine how he/she feels being half the world away from his/her boyfriend/girlfriend. It's hard. When you're young though, online relationships are a good way to get "experience." But after awhile, I think that you have to move on to the real world.
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Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 1:44 pm
You have a good point there. Lol I agree with what you said, I don't know what to say xD
But just something else, that experience has made me promise myself that I won't fall in love again. Well, "love" xD Since I don't really consider it being one.
Anyone with similar experiences?
...lol I hardly doubt anyone's looking into this discussion thread becaue they think it's boring.
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The Committee Staff Gaian
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Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 7:48 pm
I won't deny that attraction is based greatly upon a physical, visceral instinct. However, I don't think that it is required. Love involves but is more than romantic physical interaction. Otherwise, why would a person take care of their significant other after they've become a vegetable; incapable of caring for themselves much less of holding someone or making love to them. It's out of feeling, out of the mental stimulation of love and not the physical.
Also, for the matter of trust and connection, I would hope that those things would all ready by established long before you started considering yourselves in a relationship. I would think it almost takes more trust to accept what a person tells you, realizing that you have to take most everything they take on their word. And if there is a mental connection, I'd be hard-pressed for you to kiss that person and not find yourself in a daze.
Also, what is a significant other if not a very best friend?
And yes, online relationships are hard. I should know. But I feel, personally, that if you are truly dedicated to that person, it cultivates a beautiful relationship in the end. Through enduring that longing and loneliness and hardship, you take nothing for granted. Every touch is special, every moment together wonderful. It teaches you trust and how to differentiate between truly loving a person and being in lust.
This is just my personal experience. I will say that for the most part, the exception is that these relationships work, and the rule is that they do not. However, I do not think it's impossible or a mark of immature youth.
P.S. Bloodrops - Call me an optimist in the department (though I assure you I am not), I said the exact same thing when my first love "broke my heart". I swore after her that another would never have my affection. It passes.
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Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 11:27 pm
@bloodrops: "Why do we fall, sir? So that we might learn to better pick ourselves up."
Everyone has a bad experience. The only things that separates people is if they have the willpower to get over whatever happened or the self pity to wallow in their grief. I, like you and EvraeAltana (and probably everybody else in the whole world xD) have had a bad experience. I went out with a girl for a long time, and she cheated on me even though she claimed, prior to and after the incident, that she not only loved me, but was in love with me. And I had absolutely no idea until long after we broke up.
Of course, I got her back the next April Fool's Day, but that's completely irrelevant.
Anyways, after I found out, I was pissed for a couple of weeks at her. Then I was miserable and couldn't understand how two people "in love" couldn't work through it. Than I just swore off the relationship thing and called it bullshit. Then I got over it and now I'm completely fine and was ready for relationships again. Had 2 (would have been 3 if not for the girl of interest's best friends ) relationships the following year. C:
@EvraeAltana: To be honest, I don't know what makes people take care of somebody when they're in a comatose state (Visceral huh? I can use big words too! xD). Quite frankly, I don't believe in that (if there's no hope for recovery), but that's besides the point.
People take care of comatose people because they had the opportunity to know that person prior to that dilemma. There was physical contact enough to establish a connection.
Say I had a (real life) girlfriend. And that for some reason, she falls into a coma. And she has stated to her parents that she would like to be kept alive if such a thing were to ever occur. I'm going to go see her probably every chance that I can. Hold her hand, talk to her. Hell, I'll probably dab eye gunk if I "love" her.
Now let's compare that to an online relationship in which I haven't had physical contact with that person. I have a girlfriend, and she falls into a coma. Know what's going to happen? I wouldn't know. Why? Because who's going to tell me? Is she going to come to me in a dream? I doubt it. But even I if I did know, what am I going to do about it?
I'll admit, you're right in that a physical connection isn't precisely necessary. But it's pretty high up on the list of things you would like. Sure, I can feel happy talking to them and flirting with them online, but that's it. That's all I can do. Like being a dog on a leash. You can bark are you want at the pretty poodle in the next yard, but you aren't going to be able to do anything else.
You're right about trust and connection, in that they should really be a prerequisite for a relationship. But honestly, is it? There's a market for private investigators to spy on people's spouses to see if they are cheating on them or not. What does that say? I love you, but I don't trust you? Or how about the significant other in question, who probably is cheating? What does he/she have to say about trust and connection?
The difference between a significant other and a best friend? They're not the same. My significant other is going to be a girl, whom I'm going to hold hands with, watch stupid movies bases on the Nicholas Sparks books (okay, so I secretly like them...so what?), and flirt with. My best friend is a guy, who I'm not going to hold hands with, watch Nicholas Sparks-esqe movies with. I'll play video games with him, have a jam session with, play hoops with, or something else. I can do those things with my significant other aswell. But bottom line, I'm not going to go to my best friend Bryan or Dan tomorrow and be like, "Hey, want to sit on my lap and talk about the next thing that pops up?"
Best friend, again, should be a prerequisite for a significant other.
You are completely right in that online relationships are completely difficult. There's no way for them to be easy. It's not impossible for them to be something special and for them to workout. And call me a skeptic, but what are the odds that they do? How many strictly online relationships work out? Not many as far as I know.
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Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 9:38 am
I'm intrigued to here about this April Fool's Day event, truly I am.
Also I apologize if I come off a little pompous with my word usage. It's just the way I talk, and fairly beyond my control. C:
At a very young age, saying that your far-away-love DID fall into a coma, I would say that there would be nothing you could do, you are correct. But, let's say you were of an age where you held your own income and could make your decisions for yourself. I know personally I would doing everything in my power to be with that person.
As for those marriages, I would say that if they've come to the point where they feel the need to hire investigators and cheat on their spouses, that has long since become an example of a failed attempt at a marriage and makes a poor example. That is not love, or no longer is if it ever was.
I suppose that's a point where you and I differ in opinion. There is very little distance between the idea of a friend and a lover; they sit almost side by side to me. But then again I am female and I think that sexes tend to look at things a little differently regarding those matters, so I won't even breach on that. <3
In conclusion, what are the odds that any relationship works out? It is simply the way of the world that the vast majority of your romantic endeavors end in futility. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that in my eyes. It's just the way things work. I find it rather unusual, even, that people put such an importance on the concept of a long distance relationship being so much more difficult, when so many of those that they initiated with people closer on the map failed just as quickly. The act of trying to be with someone and love them is always difficult.
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Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 3:24 pm
April Fool's? I just spent the week leading up to it pretending to everyone I was so confused and needed to think about things. Then on April Fool's I posted a blog saying I was coming out as a homosexual. Now initially, that's not terrible news. And I knew that wouldn't be funny enough or up to my standards (I LOVE April Fool's Day. So I got all of my guy friends to pretend that they absolutely loathed me and wanted nothing to do with me after they found out. I sat by myself the following morning at school with all of my guy friends, like 20 feet away laughing and mocking me, while girls came up to me and tried to comfort me. Pretty sweet deal for a couple periods. Apparently my friends did a really good job though, because my ex had gotten so upset that they were treating me so different, she started crying in the middle of class. A class in which I was in. And everybody kept looking me at like, "You a*****e, this better not be a prank..." She went home, everybody who knew me gave that aforementioned look, while everyone else was laughing, cos they don't really like her...
Yup, just another April Fool's Day for me.
ANYWAYS
Haha, I was just joking about your word usage. I just pointed it out because I thought it was funny that I actually had to google a word for once. Not often that I have to do that, as I am rather well-read, even if I don't come off as one such person.
To be honest, and this might sound cruel, but really, depending on how far along I had been with that person, I wouldn't know if I'd go be with them if they were in a coma. I'll say anything up to about a month I would say no to, while anything from a month to three or four months, I would consider it. And I guess past that I would lean more towards going to see them. It really all depends on if I really care about that person enough.
And yes, you're right, I did choose the worst-case scenario for my example with the cheating spouses and private investigators. But is it not sick enough that these people would have the audacity to describe their relationship in any way with the word "love?" Because you know they do. Everyone does. Love doesn't mean the same thing to people anymore, and the strong emotions that it used to convey to a wide population is now only relevant to a very few.
You're right, this is probably one of those, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus kind of deals on the friend-significant other one.
You make a very good point though. The act of trying to be with someone and love them is difficult regardless. I personally feel that it is more difficult to have a serious long-distance relationship than a serious short-distance relationship. I think everybody can agree with that. If the person doesn't live too far away, like in state, then fine. Your welcome to that. But I think anything that crosses state/provincial lines is in fact, out of line. I don't think it's realistic in the sense of how serious can you be? I mean, is their really any hope of that dream of meeting up and getting seriously serious ever going to happen? I think that's a little to silly, even in the most extreme cases, of "love."
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Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 10:01 am
I know I came in late on this discussion but I feel it necessary for me to add my two cents. I read all of these posts before posting my own, obviously because that would be just silly for me not to do so, and it seems that for a relationship on the internet to seemingly work out (at least for a small amount of time) there has to be some type of interaction without the use of a computer. Most of the posts have mentioned some sort of interaction where you hear their voice, see them (if it's webcam, I personally don't use that), something along those lines.
I believed for the longest time that online relationships could never work out because most were with people you've never seen and were hundreds, if not thousands, of miles away. My opinion on these types of relationships has changed since I have actually started one. We had started out as friends and over a year or so started becoming something more. Now, I believe that a PURELY online relationship, where you don't have any other interaction besides the computer is a "play relationship". It's little thirteen and fourteen year olds trying to act grown up by having a relationship with someone they've never met.
I don't want to sound harsh or mean, that's just the way I personally feel. There are plenty of opportunities to become more than pixels to someone, pay phones are one of those means. I believe that online relationships can work out, just with added interaction and not just keyboards, microchips, and CPUs.
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Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 9:31 am
✗✗Blob D:~✗✗@xxredmoonxx: Online relationships can might work out with a small possibility even with some interactions than just "keyboards, microships and CPUs". From many cases I've seen around, and of mine, I believe it's quite unlikely to actually have a successful online relationship. Him an I weren't exactly strangers to each other, we were in the same class in 5th grade, but I had to move to another country, and it was 2 years after that we started to talk again. My relationship had involved +1 hour talking on the phone and once, even +6 hours - I guess I was half out of my mind that time o.O - and most of the ones that were in online relationships did so too. Even a few of them had chances to meet each other once in a while, but every single one of them has either failed or is failing.
So I guess..I'm saying that it's not really that online relationships "can" work out, but that it's highly unlikely for it to...
✗✗~βĿoodrΦps✗✗
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The Committee Staff Gaian
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