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 Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 12:57 am
Chapter One By Gracie Starling Arien sat with her head against the stereo, slowly turning the volume up until absolutely no other sound could reach her ears. In just a few more minutes, her godmother would be banging on the door and screaming at her to turn off the “noise”. The woman just didn’t get it. No one in that family understood her. They were all so obsessed with money and social lives, always trying to be better than everyone else. And Claire Smith, Arien’s godmother, was second only to her own daughter, Evelyn, in shallow, conceited selfishness.
Evelyn and her mother were the most generic blondes one could ever meet: manicures, plastic faces, and more on their chests than in their heads. Claire’s husband, Richard, was a very rich businessman with several very young mistresses. The only member of the family Arien had ever been able to relate to was their mentally disabled son, Collin. Collin was thirteen years old, but still acted as though he was only seven. Finally, Arien was a sixteen year old musician with hardly any friends and no concern what-so-ever about the latest fashions. Yes, regardless of Claire’s attempts and Evelyn’s constant teasing, Arien remained stubbornly unique. Because of her plain appearance and lack of money, Arien basically became a slave in her godparent’s home.
The morning of October 21st was a very strange one for Arien, as she received mail for the first time in the seven years she had been living with the Smiths. A package, haphazardly wrapped in brown paper, with “Arien Glass” written in sloppy, hurried letters. This turned out to be a day of firsts, since it was also the first time Arien had been called by her real last name since moving in with her godparents, even if it was only in writing. Stranger still was the contents of the package. A light, silver key and a playing card, the number five, but where the symbols for the suit should have been there was a picture of a glass slipper.
Arien looked around at her “family”, flipping the card over and over in her left hand while holding the key tightly in her right. The glass slipper had immediately reminded her of the fairy tale “Cinderella”, a story which was now essentially her life. Her eyes came to rest on Collin, who was playing with his Power Rangers action figures at the kitchen table. And here everyone feels so sorry for you. You have it better than any of us, not a care in the world…
She was broken from her trance by Claire yelling at her to take the bacon off the stove before it burned. Arien ignored her godmother for a moment to look down at the card and the key. She still had no idea who sent them to her, or what they were for. It was probably just some stupid joke Evelyn came up with to tease her on a whole new level. But when she thought about it, Arien realized that Evelyn never had the creativity, tact, or intelligence to pull a prank. When Claire yelled again, louder this time, Arien pocketed the items and quickly walked over to the stove.
The bacon was burnt beyond recognition, and the smell was almost unbearable; Claire would not be pleased. Knowing she would have to face the woman eventually, but choosing later rather than sooner, Arien grabbed her backpack from the kitchen table and hurried silently from the house. It was too early for the bus and, of course, Arien had no car, but the thought of the five mile walk to school only helped improve her mood. It was early fall and the trees were already starting to take on some color making the little town of, Coventry, Indiana, all the more beautiful. ~~~~~~~~~~~ If Arien thought the strangeness of the day ended with the package, she was very much mistaken. In the middle of her English class, an announcement came over the intercom calling her to the principal’s office. Most everyone in the class scanned the room. “Who is Arien Smith?” Arien had never realized just how unknown she was in that school until she saw her fellow students’ reaction. And, as usual, this new discovery brought up a new question for her to ponder. Is it better to be hated, or invisible? At least if people hate you, they’ll still know who you are. Even if you’re remembered as the least popular person in school, at least you’ll be remembered.
She was still trying to work it out when her name came over the intercom again. “Would Arien Smith please come to the principal’s office IMMEDIATELY?” Since when was the school secretary so impatient? Arien slipped out of her seat with a sigh, grabbing her backpack and heading slowly for the door. The teacher, who looked very annoyed with the repeat interruptions of her class, held out a hall pass for her as she passed by the desk. Resisting the urge to tell the woman to lighten up, Arien just rolled her eyes and grabbed the pass.
The hallway was eerily empty; the flickering lights on the ceiling making the scene seem like something straight out of a horror movie. Arien’s school never had proper funding, but what they did have went to sports programs instead of renovation. She didn’t really care though. Her school spirit was stuck at dead zero; some better wiring or new desks would do nothing to change that. The principal’s office was on the third floor, just one floor up from her English class. About halfway up the stairs, she heard an odd sound. Like someone was banging their head up against a locker, only it was metal on metal. She took the rest of the steps two at a time, eager to see who was making all the noise. Of course, when she finally found the source of the sound, she wished she had stayed in her English classroom.
A small metal sculpture, about three and a half feet tall, with one wheel to hold it up, was running back and forth into every locker in the hallway. A robot? Impossible. The little thing was giggling gleefully, thoroughly enjoying making dents in all the lockers. Whatever sort of metal it was made out of, it was pure white. It had black rings around its arms and torso, every four inches or so. The head seemed far too big to be supported by the petite body. Its face was like a computer screen, with a happy face glowing bright green in the center. Surely she was just seeing things. There weren’t any robots in this school, they didn’t even have computers. No, this was only a dream. She had fallen asleep in class and started dreaming. That was it, it had to be.
The little robot start turning, headed for the lockers on the other side of the hall. It stopped dead when he saw Arien; its expression immediately changed from joyful to anxious. It rolled up to her timidly, tilting its head to the left and making several high to medium-pitched beeps. “You…are…the…princess?” It paused for a short moment, just enough time to tilt its head to the other side before answering the question before Arien had a second to think about it. “You are the princess! The Professor has been looking for you! He can’t figure out how you survived so long in this world, but I just LOVE it. So many new things to explore! Like these instruments over here. Is this a school of music? How do you play those metal boxes? Oh this is so exciting…”
The robot’s excited rant went on for nearly five minutes before Arien finally put her hand up to stop it. “WHAT are you? WHO is this “Professor”? HOW did you get here? And finally, WHY did you call me a princess?” She said the last word with a strong hint of disgust. Fairy tales had never been her thing. Mainly because the prince is always “perfect”, the princess always gets her way in the end, and the evil bad guys always get their just desserts. Life just didn’t work like that. And now there was some crazy robot, who apparently thought the school lockers were some sort of instrument, standing in front of her basically telling her that she was now to become one of these fairy tale princesses.
Note: So far I have two fairy tales in progess, Cinderella (this would be the first chapter) and Wizard of Oz. They're all going to be connected, you'll see how in the third chapter of Cinderella/Arien's story.
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Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 12:58 am
Chapter Two By Gracie Starling The robot, which had refused to answer any of her questions, grabbed her hand and started pulling her down the stairs. She went with the little metal thing willingly. If it was only a dream, why not? It led her to the exit, but instead of opening the doors the robot simply ran into them, head on. When they remained closed, it tried again. After the poor thing had ran into the glass doors upwards of ten times and had started making cute frustrated noises, Arien reached over and pulled them open for it. The computer screen it had for a face put on a look of shock and amazement. “Magic! You already know how to use magic! Oh, The Professor will be SO pleased! We must go to him, right now. Hurry, hurry, have to hurry!”
Arien followed the robot for five blocks, still convinced she was just dreaming all of this up. After about fifteen minutes, they had left the houses behind and were now walking (or rolling) down a dirt road. The land was, of course, completely flat and for the most part barren. There were a few trees here and there, most with yellow or red leaves. The robot stopped in front of a very large oak tree, its screen showing a face of pure excitement. It rolled up to the tree and ran into it three times, then yelled “Professor! I have her, she’s here! And you’ll be so happy with her, she already knows magic!” It ran into the tree a few more times, laughing the same way he had at the school when he was “playing” the lockers.
A few seconds later the leaves around the top of the tree shook and muffled complaints and grunts made their way down to the lower branches. Arien flinched when an annoyed-looking man jumped out from behind the old oak. “Billy, it’s about time you got here. It’s been days! I was actually starting to get nervous. Do you know what happens when I get nervous? Let me tell you. First, I sweat. Then I over-eat. Then I over-sleep. Then I get---” He paused when he finally noticed Arien. “Who’s this? Why are risking our mission by making silly little friends? We need to find the princess!”
The robot, Billy, timidly rolled up to the man. “Sir, she is the princess. She’s Cinderella’s great-great-great-granddaughter. Her name is Arien.” The man looked from Billy to Arien several times before finally stopping at Arien. Such a small thing, and so young! Would they all be like this? He walked around her, holding his chin in his hand and nodding or shaking his head every once in a while. “Oh fine. I guess she’s the one. This is going to take a lot of work though, we need to get going.”
“Oh it’s so exciting, isn’t it? Her training and your very first mission! How wonderful!” The Professor and Arien both stared at the little robot. The Professor because this was the first time he had realized how much this meant to him. He had never been the best student, always messing things up, making explosions, one of his students once lost an ear to one of The Professor misaimed spells. And Arien because she simply didn’t understand a word of what was being said. Training? Princess? What mental ward did these people escape from?
There was no time for questions however. The Professor started knocking on the tree, slowly getting more and more frustrated. “I know that secret button is here somewhere…Now where did I put that thing…” Billy let him take two laps around the tree before giggling a bit and bumping into The Professor to stop him. Then a small metal stick, like a pointer, came out of his arm and lightly touched a point on the tree. The front of the trunk opened up like sliding doors, revealing a long white hallway that went on for as far as Arien could see. The Professor shot an angry glare at Billy and stalked down the hall, while Billy grabbed Arien by the hand and started dragging her forward. “Come on, Princess! We have so much to do…”~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The three of them walked for what felt like hours, turning a corner every once in a while, but the scenery never changed. Flawless white walls, shiny black marble floors, not a painting or door for what seemed like miles. Billy occupied himself by talking to Arien non-stop, with the occasional rhetorical question to the Professor. Arien paid no attention to him however, for she had fallen into a sort of trance due to the endless, colorless hallway. When she stared at the point where the floor met the wall long enough, the whole place started to look like a giant chessboard.
She had pinched herself several times since following the Professor through the tree and was now starting to accept that this was no dream. How had a perfectly normal morning turned into this? Oh, Claire would be furious with her when she got home, or rather, if she got home. For a moment this thought almost brought on a fit of panic. Never seeing her godparents again, or hearing Evelyn teasing Arien about everything from her name to her clothes. Claire ordering her about like a common household servant. The silly company parties and school dances which Arien was only allowed to help prepare the family for. This new fairy tale world was sounding better and better.
At last, the Professor came to an abrupt stop and turned on his heel to face the left wall. While Billy mimicked the man, Arien ran directly into him. “What! What?! THIS is supposed to be our princess? I know I’m a little under-qualified, but the least they could do is give me a girl who actually stands a chance!” While he spoke he crossed his arms over his chest and turned his head to glare at Arien. He looked a bit shocked to see her glaring back, ten times as cold and furious as he could ever be.
“I. Am. Not. A. PRINCESS! I don’t know what you freaks think you’re doing here, but it’s kidnapping. I’ll have you arrested, and I’ll have that little tin can flattened! Don’t you DARE insult me you---” She was interrupted by a very angry looking Billy. He reached up with both arms and grabbed the humans’ collars, pulling them down to his level with astonishing power for his small size. He turned his oversized head left and right to glare at them both. “This is NO TIME for your arguing! The Queen probably already knows we have Arien and she’ll be furious! Now both of you just—oh! That’s a beautiful necklace Arien, where did you get it?” He immediately released the two of them, still staring admiringly at Arien’s necklace.
The girl looked quite shocked. First that the little robot was capable of anger, he had seemed so cheery and excited up to this point. And second at his rapid change from furious to pleasant in the blink of an eye. She knew better than to argue with the mood swing though, and quickly answered his question. “My father made it; he gave it to me when I was born. One of a kind.” Arien looked warily at Billy and wondered if his small fit of anger was truly over. The Professor didn’t allow her much time to think about this though, and grabbed her shoulders, turning her to face him. “Now look here, you ARE a princess. And if you keep denying it out loud, eventually someone will hear you. That someone would be very disappointed, and if ANYONE gets disappointed here, I will be fired and sent back to the academy. So what you’re going to do is open this door in front of us, start your training, and stop doubting yourself. The Queen will be able to track you by your negative thoughts.”
Again with this dreaded “Queen” person…Who cares if she tracks me? She probably doesn’t even exist, just like those two… Even though it was now impossible for this to just be a dream – Arien’s imagination had never been this off-the-wall – it just seemed easier to pretend. Anything was better than accepting this new, warped reality. After several moments, Arien finally noticed that the other two were staring at her expectantly. “Well?” The Professor was tapping his foot, looking very impatient. His arrogant, demanding tone did nothing to improve Arien’s mood. “Well what? What do you expect me to do?”
“Open the door of course! Don’t you know anything?” He looked like he was about to start another angry rant, so Billy rolled between them again, an encouraging smile glowing on his screen. “Go on Arien! I know you can do it. Just put your hand on the wall, close your eyes, and think. Imagine the door. When you can see it, talk to it. Ask it to come out for us.” His large sphere of a head nodded a few times as he motioned to the left wall. The Professor just leaned against the other wall, head in his hands, and gave a frustrated grunt. “No, you optimistic hunk of metal, she can’t do it. She has no magic, she doesn’t even have confidence. You brought us the wrong girl.”
Arien glared at the man. As much as she didn’t want to be this princess, her desire to prove him wrong was much greater. She nudged his leg a little harder than necessary to get his attention. “Watch and learn ‘Professor’.” Then she took a couple small steps toward the wall. Feeling very self-conscious and rather foolish, she lightly placed her hand on the white…What was it? Metal? No, it was too warm for that. Arien shook her head to clear her mind. It didn’t matter what the wall was made of, what she needed was a door. Billy had told her to “imagine the door”, but how was she supposed to know what it looked like? Maybe wooden…Double doors perhaps. Yes, that was it. With two large, silver handles which shined brighter than any polish could ever make them.
The details started to pour into her head now. The wood was oak stained very dark and it was as smooth as the walls around it. Yes, very smooth…Regardless of the beautiful engravings. Fairies, a unicorn, all sorts of mythical creatures were engraved on the flawless door, trimmed with a string of ivy. In her mind, it looked very out of place in the sort of futuristic white hallway. In a few moments she had every detail from the handle to the hinges, but when she opened her eyes just slightly, she was still standing in front of a pure white wall. Billy rolled up behind her and nudged her a bit. “Go on Arien, you can do it. Just imagine the door and ask it to come out for us.”
For a moment, Arien questioned her sanity. Talk to the door? Ask it to come out for them? She shut her eyes again, tighter this time, and pushed her hand into the wall. Was she supposed to talk out loud? No, that would look too foolish. She hardly believed in this, she wasn’t going to give in just yet. So she just thought the words to herself. Um, hello…I’m Arien. Would you mind opening up for us? My…”friends” and I really need to come through. Please? It had been almost three minutes now and the door was still only in her mind. She was starting to give up when Billy, suddenly quite impatient, repeated himself for what was now the fifth time. “Ask it to come out for us Arien! Come on, we’re going to get caught!” Ask it to come out? Is that what she was doing wrong?
Perhaps I said it wrong…Would you please come out for us? At last, Arien felt the flawless, polished wood under her hand. Like the walls around it, the door was surprisingly warm, like the sun had been shining on it all day. Billy rolled himself right into her, pinning her arms down in a very joyful embrace. “You see! I said you could do it! You DO have magic Arien, you just need to trust it. Oh we’ll have you trained up in no time. I’m really not supposed to take sides, but I think you’ll win the trials…” The little robot kept talking for what seemed like an hour, never letting go of Arien.
The Professor, who had almost fallen asleep on the floor waiting for her, walked hesitantly up behind the robot. Arien bit back a rude remark and a laugh when she saw the amazed expression he was so obviously trying to hide. He glared at her as she gave him an “I told you so” look. “Well you know, opening a door isn’t anything. I could do that when I was two…” This brought on another angry mood swing from Billy. “If you’re so great, why don’t YOU battle the queen, hm? You better be nice to her, she’s all we have!” Arien rolled her eyes while Billy kept yelling at the Professor. After about five minutes of different versions of “Just who do you think you are?!”, Arien turned back to the door and slowly pulled it open with a trembling hand. Her training was about to begin.
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Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 12:21 am
Well, I'm not a Grammar Nazi or anything, so I can't help you in that category... ^^U
However, I absoultely love your characters. Billy being my favorite... I think everyone loves Billy. ^^ Your characters are excellently developed in my personal opinion, and that's always a good thing. A story doesn't stay alive long without good characters.
*imagines Billy with a hyper version of a GLaDOS-sort of voice...*
I couldn't find much wrong with your story, but then there are always the more prodding folks out there. I don't think you described the Professor much, unless I skipped that (12am over here... ^^U), but it seems to me that he sounds like a crotchity old gentleman of sorts...
It's really good... I want to know more!
Keep Writing, and sorry I'm not that helpful! I recommend getting a betareader... you might find some on Gaia, and then there's Fictionpress.com. They will be more helpful when it comes to criticism and the infamous Grammar Nazi-ing. ^________^
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Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 7:52 pm
Yeah, isn't Billy just the greatest? And I didn't describe the Professor too much, I realized that right after I posted the story. I'm going to edit the first couple chapters soon, maybe even rewrite them completely, so he'll get a better description then. The picture in my head with him is actually one of Seth Green...lol I'm writing all the Professor's lines for Mr. Green. Haha. But yeah, thanks for the help! Greatly appreciated! xd
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Shanra the Dragon Bard Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 1:43 pm
It's a wonderful story and I can't wait to see the purpose for training her. I am a grammar nazi, so I took the liberty of proofreading and have listed the mistakes I found below. There were also a few things that didn't flow right in a couple of your sentences, so you can think about changing them or not. It's excellent work so far, so don't give up.
Chap 1 Para 3:
Stranger still was were the contents of the package.
Chap 1 Para 6:
It was early fall and the trees were already starting to take on some color making the little town of,(remove) Coventry, Indiana, all the more beautiful.
Chap. 1 Sec. 2 Para 5:
The little robot start(ed) turning, headed for the lockers on the other side of the hall.
It stopped dead when he it saw Arien
Chap. 2 Para. 1:
After the poor thing had ran run into the glass doors upwards of ten times and had started making cute frustrated noises, Arien reached over and pulled them open for it.
Para 2:
It ran into the tree a few more times, laughing the same way he had at the school when he was “playing” the lockers. (You call the robot 'it' up until this point and then begin to use 'he'. It's not consistent. You should either use one or the other or explain why she begins to call it a 'he'.)
Para 3:
Why are (insert: you) risking our mission by making silly little friends?
Para 5:
He had never been the best student, always messing things up, making explosions(,)(use wink one of his students once lost an ear to one of The Professor('s) misaimed spells.
Chap 2 2nd Sec Para 6:
She probably doesn’t even exist, just like those these two
Para 10:
She shut her eyes again, tighter this time, and pushed her hand into onto the wall.
Last Para:
The Professor, who had almost fallen asleep on the floor waiting for her, walked hesitantly up behind the robot. (You had the Professor leaning up against the other wall and now have him on the floor almost asleep. It didn't flow for me.)
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