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'm sorry if this is the wrong forum- I just thought I'd get this out of my system.

My parents are probably going to split up. They simply are not really suited for each other. My mom is a bellydancer, someone who pulls odd hours and does shows and attends functions and dances for the public. She's a social butterfly and a stubborn director and loves who she is and what she does. I don't know if she loves my dad.

My father works for a news company, he pulls long hours at a tedious and stressful, but high-paying job, and fixes computers and deals with departments and takes meticulous care of everything. He's an introvert and a stubborn person and dislikes what he does and where he lives, but loves me and my brother. I don't know if he loves my mom.

I know that if they ever split up and I had to choose, I'd choose my mom. Hands down. I'd miss my father, and possibly my brother because I think he might choose my father, but I can't be without my mum. I can't. I don't talk to my father, time spent with him is awkward, or the talk is shallow, like trivia. You don't talk to my father. You don't.

But I wonder sometimes; why do relationships have to be so hard? My mom always says that she doesn't bring things up to my father because she "doesn't want to argue", but why does everything have to be an argument? Why can't we all be civil? What is it about the two of them that no matter what they do, they sabotage each other either way? Say nothing, it brews to an explosion. Get it out to the open, tempers rise steadily until neither one wants to talk.

If any of you watch Scrubs, there's an early episode where Elliot and J.D. got into and broke out of a relationship. For those of you that do not know, Elliot is a female doctor at a hospital, and she is neurotic, has intimacy issues, and is not well liked because she has the image that everyone is out to get her, but is still a good person with a great potential. J.D. is a male doctor who is very goofy, jokes around a lot, and likes to be liked and popular, but has problems connecting and commiting sometimes because no matter what he says, he's afraid of the serious.

Imagine my father is Elliot and my mother is J.D. That's the train wreck that they are, except that it took about 19 years to get to that point, whereas in Scrubs, it took about two weeks. I remember watching that episode this morning, and I realized after my parent's fight that really, I'm looking in a mirror- that maybe they aren't meant to be because, as Dr. Cox says, "Couples that are meant to be wade trough the same crap the rest of us do, but the difference is they don't let it take them down. If the relationship is really right, one of them will say something."

I don't think anything's been said. I have to wait and see.

But, I have to say, I truly wonder if anything will be said. Another thing Dr. Cox said got to me. He was talking about his relationship with his Ex-wife, Jordan, and he said, "I never understood why people weren't miserable like us and trying to sabotage each other. And then I realized, it's because they weren't like us- they weren't unhappy."

Maybe my parents really are unhappy. But it's sad- they were doing so well. They always have had periods of fighting and periods of civility. The past couple of years the yelling has been getting louder and louder, and more and more frequent. This time, my mom was ready to forgo our family vacation. It was at that second it really hit me that their marriage may be doomed- first a separate vacation, then separate homes, then, possibly divorce. But even though I could tell it was a long time coming, it hit me so hard. I was just... ready to throw myself out the window and run as fast as I can to whichever friends house I think of first.

But I couldn't-if my mom had to be strong and dance tonight, I had to be strong and go to support her. If my mom had to put on a happy face, so did I. I couldn't look myself in the eye if I didn't. And yet, overall, by the end of the night, I think we were almost happy. I know I was. I didn't forget, but it still seemed like it'd be alright. Of course, taking an hour to talk to a friend on the phone helped shitloads, but even though I didn't forget, it just seemed like nothing was wrong any more.

I wonder though- usually, things work out and they still end up living together, living civilly and sometime almost lovey dovey until some s**t happens again. And I've lived my eighteen years knowing that and coming home to that and accepting it as our life. But if this perpetuates, how long? How long can you hate someone and be married to them? How long can you keep your "neutral" children from choosing a side?

And what if they got divorced? Where will we live? How will we make ends meet? Will my dad still help support my mom when we're no longer factors? What will become of my mom's dance business once she has to work work? What will become of our "family" if my dad decides to move out of New York like he wants?

I dunno, I guess I'm too afraid of what's to come. I've always afraid life's passing me by and I will die too soon, alone and unfulfilled and full of issues and rage. Isn't life too short for causing trouble? Then again, isn't it too short to be unhappy?

I... I don't know. This was meant to be a discussion on divorced parents and relationships, but if this comes off too much like a life issue, please tell me and I'll have a moderator move it. but, please. Discuss. Parents, relationships, divorce, marriage, whatever.