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 Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 7:10 am
Victims Never Die
My Dearest friend, why do you suffer so?
They'll never stop, unless you tell them 'no'.
Your pain won't cease, then we'll be sad.
Your strength will shrink, then we'll be mad.
You don't need to put up with this, there is a way out,
But be warned my friend, you must prepare to scream and shout.
Think of the next one as you do
A future victim, just like you.
They live and linger, wishing they were strong.
They don't know that they had strength all along.
Their tormentors live too long and too well, since no one ever screams
They live forever in the victims' scars, and haunt every dream.
Heroes live forever, Dreamers always fly,
Villains die happily, but Victims never die.
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Posted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 10:19 am
crying I always love your poetry sistersan. This one speaks to me. As far as C&C goes in the 10th line the second "they" should be "they've". Otherwise it's a tense problem. Also, after reading it again I see in the third and fourth line (and this is most likely just my picky/weird/quirkiness). For the sake of parallelism, I think it should be "then we'll be sad...then we'll be mad" (or next, now, etc.). I feel like it interrupts the flow when left as is. But like I said, I'm weird about that stuff.
Also, in the second line when you used "so" at the end its inappropriate. The word "so" applies to information; the word "to" applies to action. Such as telling them "to" stop. But I understand it has to rhyme as well, lol. And I didn't catch it until the third time I read it.
Thats it, otherwise I think its a really awesome poem and I feel like I'm a better off person for having read it. Thanks! ^.^
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Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 7:35 am
Thanks for the critique! I'll fix that right away! I'm curious, did this poem help you with a situation in your life? That's kind of what I'm aiming for. . .
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Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 9:56 am
Yes, it actually helped me with a situation that I'm going through right at this moment. I appreciate it.
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Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 7:07 am
Scazarith Yes, it actually helped me with a situation that I'm going through right at this moment. I appreciate it. Then I'm happy beyond all reason I could help! This is the kind of thing I aim for in real life.
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Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 11:09 am
There are so many gems of people in this guild. Your a very kind person ^.^
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Posted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 7:34 am
Thanks for the compliment. smile redface smile
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Posted: Thu Jul 31, 2008 6:28 pm
Another great poem sis where do you come up with this great poetry
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Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 12:17 am
sistersan, I like your poetry. It's got a lot of truth to it, while being concise. I like the way it rhymes pretty smoothly, too.
Just curious, what do you do to get ideas for what to write about?
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Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:00 pm
I usually read something or think about something that inspires me. Thanks for the comments!
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Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 12:21 am
jina_thorn I usually read something or think about something that inspires me. Thanks for the comments! o.O secondary account? or different person?
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Posted: Wed Aug 06, 2008 9:02 am
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Posted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 1:14 am
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Reply
