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Here's the story. My dad's cousin Sandy came to town from NH to take my grandpa to a doctor's appointment and my dad wanted to see them. He was planning on taking them to a nice restaurant. My grandpa's got bad legs, he wanted to stay in, so my dad offers to bring pizza and subs. My grandpa and Sandy decide to make some chicken and pasta and have us come over.

My dad storms in from work and blames my mom for putting the idea of cooking into his dad's head, because apparently that's the end of the goddamn universe, and he screams and yells at my mom for twenty minutes. At this point, I turn the computer off and put it where he can't get to it. He finally storms out to go over there. My mom and I give him a two minute headstart to see if he comes back.

He doesn't. We pick up some salad and garlic bread at the store and go over there. Dad's not there when we get there, and we find out that when he got there, he wasn't halfway up the driveway before he started to throw a hissy fit at Sandy and my grandpa. He cussed them out, Sandy (a correctional officer!) starts to cuss right back, he leaves. Grandpa's pissed off.

We have a nice family dinner, sans dad, with only intermittent complaints about how much of an a*****e my dad is. Humor of the evening is at his expense (as well as the cat's expense, since my grandpa got a laser pointer and I had a good time with that.) My dad calls, I pick up the phone, put on a bad fake accent and hang up on him. We leave, we stop and get some ice cream, we get home.

My dad instantly picks another fight with my mom, saying that grandpa was waiting on the porch for him saying and I quote "I don't want you to eat my ******** food!" and Sandy cussed him out, apparently unprovoked... he says my mom must have called over there and got them all riled up. I try to prevent a fight by pushing mom out of the room and screaming, "You are not going to do this right now!"

My dad looks me in the eyes and says "******** you!"

My dad has never spoken to me like this before. I am in shock.

My only reaction was "******** you too, old man!" and I storm off to play with my hamster goddammit. My dad continues to rail and swear at my mom until she goes outside for a cigarette (and for once I'm not angry about her smoking), he takes one last potshot at her and I go back to my room where its safe with a firm warning to my mother that if he so much as looks at me funny I'm taking a butcher knife to his jugular.

tl;dr: I need to get some revenge on my dad. Any ideas?

I've already googled "Righteous vengeance" in hopes of getting some ideas, but it turns out that's the name of a video game, so that didn't get me anywhere. I could use some good ideas.

He swore at me, and he constantly treats me with disrespect. My ideas so far have included pouring fake blood on him while he was sleeping (mom said that would stain the sheets. 9_9) and ripping the upholstery on his chair open, putting pins in the cushion and sewing it back together so that when he sat down, he'd get pricked.

Not very good ideas so far. I need some revenge or I'm going to load up on sweets to make myself feel better. I don't have enough money for therapy.

... I could, of course, put holes in all his underwear...

I can not wear holey underwear. I can't. If you decide to do it, know that I, on the behalf of guys, or at least how I think guy's think, is that one large hole is much worse than several small holes.

I do not support any kind of revenge by the way. <.< >.> Just... giving a slight opinion.

Btw, your dad seems like a big big jerk. :/ What is wrong with his dad cooking? On second though, that question is rhetorical. :/ I don't want more drama stuffs. Good luck on the revenge, btw, which I'm totally not supporting or anything.

Update: He apologized for once. However, he only apologized to me.

He didn't apologize to my mother, my grandfather, our cousin, our family. He still doesn't think he did anything wrong other than swear.

Let me define Righteous Vengeance: Righteous Vengeance is taking back the rights and pride of those you love who have been victimized. Victimized, be it physically, emotionally, or mentally, by one entity. I want vengeance for all the wrongs he has ever done me, my mother, my family. It's because of him I am the pitiful person I am today, and I'm ready for some payback.

Ezzy still needs her vengeance.

I wouldn't do that. It's not that hard these days to kick/slam/whatever you need to to break down a door or a window. (That and I think it'd just give him another reason to shout your head off.)

For Righteous Vengence, I'd say just find some way for him to realize what a d**k he's being. Help him realize HE'S the one that screwed up, over assumed, and basically got all over-emotional over nothing.

Suggestion: Get a video camera or something next time he's going off, and then show him it afterwards. Dunno if that'd work though.

This looks like a job for The Annoy-O-Tron.

http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/electronic/8c52/

Use it wisely. As long as you keep a straight face, it will have SERIOUS effects. Just put it somewhere in a room where he spends most of his time. I recommend a light fixture, or unscrew the plate of a light-switch or electric socket and stash it in there.

At first, it might not even feel like revenge, but trust me, this thing is guaranteed to cause madness. Just remember, once it's stashed, you disavow all knowledge of its existence. You don;t know what it is, what it's for, or where it came from.

It will be the greatest ten bucks you will ever spend. twisted

The Annoy-O-Tron is better than actually damaging his pants or leaving insulting notes because of one crucial factor.

Plausible deniability.

If he gets pissed off and has a human target, he might retaliate. But even if he finds the Annoy-O-Tron, it looks like a random piece of whatchamahoozit. There's nothing directly linking it to intentional sabotage, unless he knows what it is.