I.F.N.N.
Intergalactic Federation News Network
Broadcasting to all solar systems.
Intergalactic Federation News Network
Broadcasting to all solar systems.
Good evening! I'm Retroper Swen, and this is an I.F.N.N. update. We've got some news that's hot off the hologram, so let's get started!
Our cover story for the evening is a massive explosion in the Pheonix system, happening in high orbit in the space station complex around planet Ore. Hundreds of Ore-ians have been reported dead, and an exact death toll has yet to be determined. The source of the explosion is unknown.
Federation authorities are investigating the mass killing, and it is uncertain if this was a planned attack, presumably by the Fayish. The Fayish were at war with Ore for a couple of years over a territory dispute, but as of 2 years ago had been strangely inactive. More on this as it develops.
In some happier news, the New Renix counsel has announced plans to expand over the ocean along it's west coast! The city of New Renix is currently the most populated city in the Federation, consisting of over 7 billion inhabitants and 68 different species. The new construction plan will create giant platforms over the ocean on which New Renix will open to aspiring business owners.
More good news! Today is officially the 3,000th anniversary of the Earth project! Yes, for those who enjoy updates on the project, the Earthlings are up to approximately 2008 years in their personal historical records.
Those not familiar with the project may need an explanation. 3,000 years ago, the Federation sealed off a certain portion of Federation galaxy territory called "The Milky Way." This was to allow a habitable planet known as Earth to evolve on it's own. The Federation has learned in previous experiences not to interfere with planets that are not yet ready to be exposed to the intergalactic world. Those who remember the Yegardian incident will know what I’m referring too... except the Earthling’s aren’t giant octopuses… or whatever the hell the Yegardians were…
Earth actually needed a little bit of a boost in its growth. Certain technological advances weren’t happening, so the Federation sent in one of it's top scientists, Bill Gates. A few other Federation members have sneaked into the project, including the infamous witch from planet Drez, Miley Cirus.
An example of current Earth technology would be what they call a "cell phone." Cell phones are much less complex versions of portable terminals that we own, incapable of hologram projection, video chat, etc. However, they have established an interesting invention connecting the entire planet, called the "Internet." Besides pornography, Federation scientists are researching other uses the Earthlings have for it.
In addition to the heavy security provided by the Federation, a small establishment in Canada has been taking in any individuals crossing dimensions and winding up on the planet. Strange technology, that is still being analyzed to this day by Federation scientists, forces anyone crossing dimensions to appear right at the establishment, therefore keeping them out of sight of normal Earthlings.
We interviewed the owners of this important facility:
“Do I at least get a cookie for doing this?” said special vehicles coordinator Brian. “This lady just asked like five billion questions at once. I don’t have so many answers! Do I look like a bible!?”
“Brian, shut the hell up!” said lead coordinator Spyke. “Well yes, all of us here at the Canada mansion, er, 'facility', are happy to be apart of the Earth project. We even had a nice little party down here to celebrate the occasion.”
Brian added, “WITH BOOZE!”
“Brian!!”
And that concludes our news update for today! Tune in tomorrow for our special report on New Renix’s hot new fast food franchise; McArby’s!
I’m Retroper Swen, and good night!
