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 Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 5:13 pm
lol bare with me, I wrote these in 5th grade. I still would like some advice, I've been trying to make these better but I can't seem to think of anything. Poem one: Quote: "The Golden Tears"
Tonight I weep, sob, cry
For a love not meant to die.
Mourning over the golden years
While I shed these golden tears.
Tomorrow I sulk, moan, die
While these tears are in my eyes.
Tears of happiness, joy, pain,
Tears shed again and again.
I'll live just a while,
Though you may not see me smile,
While I'm remembering our golden years,
Remembering our golden tears. Poem two: Quote: There She Is
There she is
Standing in the street,
It never crossed your mind
That she's the one you want to meet.
There she is
Standing all alone
Waiting for something new to be shown.
There she is
Just out of college
Out with friends
All full of knowledge.
There she is
Giving you a thoughtful sigh
Married to some other guy.
Maybe you were too shy,
Always telling her a lie
Whatever it was,
You hate telling her goodbye.
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Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:35 pm
Hey ^.^ These are both really good for being written in the fith grade. (they're both good period, but especially for a fith grader) I especially like the first one "The Golden Tears".
The only real critisim I have is with the first poem. In the 10th line (the really long one) I feel like the flow is really interrupted due to the length of the line. Others might not feel this way, it could just be me. But if you are looking to change it, the only way (off hand) I can see to fix it is this:
`I'll live just a while,
Though you may not see me smile,
I'm remembering our golden years,
Remembering our golden tears.`
Basically just leaving off the second half of the 10th line. I dont feel like that takes much from the poem, and it flows much better. Either way its your poem and its up to you. Once again I really liked it! biggrin
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Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 8:39 am
Scazarith Hey ^.^ These are both really good for being written in the fith grade. (they're both good period, but especially for a fith grader) I especially like the first one "The Golden Tears". The only real critisim I have is with the first poem. In the 10th line (the really long one) I feel like the flow is really interrupted due to the length of the line. Others might not feel this way, it could just be me. But if you are looking to change it, the only way (off hand) I can see to fix it is this: `I'll live just a while, Though you may not see me smile, I'm remembering our golden years, Remembering our golden tears.` Basically just leaving off the second half of the 10th line. I dont feel like that takes much from the poem, and it flows much better. Either way its your poem and its up to you. Once again I really liked it! biggrin okay, I think I'll do that. thank you! yes, I think it interupts the flow of the poem too, but lol I guess I just never thought of taking it off. lol thank you again.
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Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 3:54 am
Wow these are really amazing, and you made them in fifth grade. I like the first one. Besides what you apparently already went back to change, I don't know what else to mention. I like the parallel structure with the first and fifth line. Nice rhyming, too.
The second peom.... eh... Let's just say it reminds me of the things I regret in my last few years. I held back in asking a girl I liked because I was nervous, and when I finally asked her on Valentines Day, she already had a boyfriend. Now she doesn't talk to me anymore. I like this poem a lot. It really pulls out those emotions I needed to let out. Thanks. 3nodding keep writing. You were good, are good, and you'll only continue to be better if you keep at it.
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Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2008 8:23 am
Kaito_7420 Wow these are really amazing, and you made them in fifth grade. I like the first one. Besides what you apparently already went back to change, I don't know what else to mention. I like the parallel structure with the first and fifth line. Nice rhyming, too. The second peom.... eh... Let's just say it reminds me of the things I regret in my last few years. I held back in asking a girl I liked because I was nervous, and when I finally asked her on Valentines Day, she already had a boyfriend. Now she doesn't talk to me anymore. I like this poem a lot. It really pulls out those emotions I needed to let out. Thanks. 3nodding keep writing. You were good, are good, and you'll only continue to be better if you keep at it. =D glad you liked them. and yah. i wrote the second one for my best friend... although this poem is written in the perspective of a guy missing his chance, really it was me who lost him... and it brought out a lot of feelings for me too. lol i know what your thinking. what is a fifth grader doing with feelings like that? but lol you know, kid romances.
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