|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 4:52 pm
p***y Versus Beer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A beer is always wet.
A p***y needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A p***y tastes better served hot.
Advantage: p***y.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold p***y makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
p***y does not.
Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming p***y, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: p***y
24 beers come in a box.
A p***y is a box you can come in.
Advantage: p***y.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: p***y.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like p***y, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: p***y
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much p***y and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a p***y in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: p***y
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells p***y on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: p***y
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: Beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: Beer.
Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
p***y can make you see God.
Advantage: p***y
If you think all day about your next beer, you are
an alcoholic.
If you think all day about the next p***y you will have, you are normal.
Advantage: p***y
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of p***y is more fun.
Advantage: p***y.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a p***y at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a p***y, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best p***y you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: p***y.
The worst p***y you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad p***y: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle.
Good p***y: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: p***y.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: p***y.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: p***y.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 4:53 pm
Planning for the After-Life
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer,
and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 4:56 pm
Late Drinking Can Be Dangerous
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is standing in a bar drinking when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at 10:30 the second guy says, "Oh well, I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out late drinking."
The first guy replies, "That is because you aren't doing it right. You should do what I do. Go home. Sneak in the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs and lick, lick, lick usually about twenty minutes and there will no tbe any complaints in the morning.
The guy agress to try that and continues drinking with the other guy for about two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
When he got home, the house was pitch black. He snuck upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for twenty minutes. The bed was like a swamp, so he decided to go wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
He screamed, "What are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!" she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 4:59 pm
Beer Troubleshooting
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 5:00 pm
All blown-up
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One time little Johnny woke up one morning and saw his mom jumping up and down on his dad.
He asked,"Mommy why are you jumping on Daddy?"
The mom replied slyly, "Well daddy is getting fat so I am trying to deflate him."
Johnny said, "Ohhh! Well you're wasting your time. After you leave for work, the big-boobied woman next door comes over and blows Daddy back up."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 5:02 pm
Cuckoo Clock
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 's**t!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:00 am
Beer President's Have a Beer
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:05 am
Viagra Strikes Again
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'
'What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.'
'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?'
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:06 am
Viagra and the Housekeeper
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits.
An hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife . . .
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay...
"But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:07 am
Voodoo d**k
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Voodoo d**k There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing,nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoodick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo d**k?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking d***o. The businessman laughed, and said "Big ******** deal. It looks like every other d***o in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo d**k, the door." The voodoo d**k rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo d**k, get back in your box!" The voodoo d**k stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special d***o and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo d**k, my p***y." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he wasgone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo d**k. She got it out, and said "Voodoo d**k, my p***y!" The voodoo d**k shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how toshut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the d***o. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo d**k was stuck in her p***y, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo d**k, my a**!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:08 am
The Automated Doctor
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:09 am
Mommy . . . What is Courting?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom about curting. Flustered, she replied, "Tonight go watch your sister when she comes home with her boyfriend. That's courting."
The next day, Johnny tells his mother what happened. "Well, Sis and her boyfriend came home last night and sat on the couch. They started kissing and stuff and I think sis was getting sick because she kept making faces. Her boyfriend must have thought so to, because he started feeling for her heartbeat like the doc. He wasn't as good as the Dr. though, he missed an awful lot. That's when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis said she was really hot. Then her boyfriend ripped off her blouse and bra, and I saw why he couldn't get to her heart, there were these big bumps on her chest! He then ripps off her skirt and undies and she has grown a lot of hair there, she should clean it more often. I guess her boyfriend thought so to because he started sucking there, licking and using his fingers. Then sis yelled out to God and unzipped her boyfriend's pants. This big snake jumped out and sis started to try and bite it's head off. She stopped trying an then it squirted all over the couch. Then sis took off his pants and sat on the snake, I think they were trying to squish it. Sis started to bounce up and down on it. She said it was nearly as big as Daddy's! Suddenly, she stopped and said she wasn't on anything, but her boyfriend said it was too late. They had both c**. So, did I explain it right?"
His mom fainted.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:10 am
Reserved for jokes at later time.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:10 am
Reserved for jokes at later time.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 10:11 am
Reserved for jokes at later time.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
