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The Pandy Head-Crab

PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2005 12:01 pm


HIHIHHIHIHIHIHI I think I'm the first writer or something...

Icono says not but I can't find any other writing threads: (

SO yeah here you go you can read this.

Quote:
"Liah, do you ever think about things, and wonder if you really shouldn't?"

"Like?"

"Like, well...Um. Why are we here?"

"I'm Pretty sure everyone wonders about that, Kita."

"I Know, I know, but that isn't what I meant. I mean, like, why are we here? In this spot."

"Huh? What kinda thing is that to worry about?"

"That's what I thought", Kita tossed. "Why did we pick Wall 4? Why do we choose to hang our legs off this wall? I mean, surely, if we sat back a few feet, we wouldn't run the risk of falling the 40 stories down, into a massive ocean."

"I dunno, maybe it's a taste of malice?"

"Listen to yourself. We are humans, and humans hate violence of any sort. All living creatures do." The wind toyed with Kita's hair, her eyes blank. Lost in an enigma of this endless mystery, her soul had fell into the crushing waves below. "It must be something else. We choose to come all the way out here, to Wall 4. Wall four, through the Windmill Meadow. What possessed us to come out here?"

"Does it really matter?"

"It MUST. I mean, we could have stayed at home. I could be taking a warm bath, but no. I choose to adventure out here, miles from home, to dangle my feet over Wall 4."

"Maybe that's it."

"What's it?"

"You have a taste for adventure, and you were trying to cleanse your pallette."

"No, it can't possibly be that simple. There must be more to it. There must be more to THIS. This can't be all."

"You sound like a damn psyche patient."

"Shut Up. I'm really perplexed."

"I didn't realize you were so serious."

"Neither did I." The wind blew the grass, and it ruffled as if brushed with the hand of God.

"I guess..."Kita spoke,"I guess it's because I'm so worried."

"Wha, why are you worried?"

"I fear that this may be all there is. That there is no greater existence. That there are no miracles. That I really can't fly."

"You just went too far out for me. I'm out. See you at home."

"NO!" Kita spat" Stay! You have to tell me!"

"Tell you what?"

The wind rushed. Kita's hair laced her empty eyes.

"You have to tell me... to tell me if you can see me fly."

"Your insane. you lost it. You went so deep, you can't come back!"

"NO! I KNOW THERE IS MORE! THERE MUST BE MORE!"

Kita's fists where clenched tight.Her eyes lit for the first time. They glowed in the shadow of a Windmill.

"THERE MUST BE MORE!"

"Don't do anything rash, Kita. Do nothing you wouldn't regret!"

Kita pulled her legs over the side of Wall 4 and stood. Standing there, in the shadow of the windmill, every muscle tense, every fiber focused, she stared into Liah's body.

The wind smoothed over the grass once more. Kita stepped out from the shadow.

"There is more...I can feel it in my soul." Kita whispered to herself, assuring herself for what she was about to do.

"KITA, LISTEN TO YOURSELF! LET ME GET YOU HELP!"

"It is inside of me, the something more. I know it's there. I must break the rules, and set it free." Kita recited in an inaudible whisper.

"NO, KITA, LISTEN TO ME!"

"I must, I must allow it to escape. I NEED TO BREAK FREE!"

All sound died, as Kita lept off of Wall 4. The wind rushed over her, the smell of salt enveloped her floating body. Time froze for Kita. She had done it. She escaped. Kita danced away into the sunset.


The next day, the police found Kita's mangled body among the rocks at the bottom of Wall 4.
PostPosted: Sun Sep 18, 2005 12:26 pm


Some of this is nitpicking on little thing like grammar and stuff, but that's important too. ^^ This is stuff I noticed, reading through it the first time.

"I'm Pretty sure everyone wonders about that, Kita."
-pretty not capitalized

"I dunno, maybe it's a taste of malice?"
-I'm slightly confused about the word usage, here. Malice usually carries connotations of bad stuff towards other people; I'm not sure it's the right word to be used here. ^^

"Listen to yourself. We are humans, and humans hate violence of any sort. All living creatures do."
-Is the story set in a future world/utopia, etc?

"Lost in an enigma of this endless mystery, her soul had fell into the crushing waves below. "
-had fallen
-(?)I think that "the enigma" would work better, although 'enigma' and then 'endless mystery' are kind of redundant.

"...to Wall 4. Wall four..."
-I would pick one way of writing that (4 as opposed to four), 'cause it seems to be a specific object in the story. I can't remember what exactly my English teachers have told me about that, though. >.>


"I choose to adventure out here..."
-Throughout the story, watch your usage of "choose" and "chose," 'cause choose is present and chose is past. In the context of this snippet, the rest of her dialogue had been in past tense so I think it should be "chose."

"and you were trying to cleanse your pallette."
-One 'l' in palette. ^^

Woah, I learned something new.

pallette

n : one of the rounded armor plates at the armpits of a suit of armor [syn: palette]

Yay ^^


"Shut Up. I'm really perplexed."
-"up" not capitalized

""Neither did I." The wind blew the grass, and it ruffled as if brushed with the hand of God."

The analogy seems a little overblown, here. To me, at least, and others may not agree. Putting that detail in, however, seems to indicate a pause. Maybe use a more dynamic sentence structure? (As opposed to "The wind did this to the grass, and this is what the grass did and it looked like this metaphor")


XP I'm getting bored critiquing, I'm skipping to the end. razz

"All sound died, as Kita lept off of Wall 4. The wind rushed over her, the smell of salt enveloped her floating body. Time froze for Kita. She had done it. She escaped. Kita danced away into the sunset."

Hm...I picked up a writing book one time, and there were some important things I picked up from it, when editing one's story. 1) Cut extra words and 2) Keep a variety in sentence structure. I'm going to edit this paragraph for example:

"Sound died as Kita lept off of Wall 4. The wind rushed over her, the smell of salt enveloped her floating body. Time froze for Kita. She had done it - she escaped. Kita danced away into the sunset."

Especially if there are a bunch of simple sentences in a row, 'cause it'll get choppy quick. Another thing to watch for is repetitive things - in this paragraph, there's a lot of "Kita this" and "Kita that."

"The next day, the police found Kita's mangled body among the rocks at the bottom of Wall 4."

-I hate this sentence. In my opinion it's awkward, it states the obvious, and it really detracts from the climax. xp

Eliza Bennet

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