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 Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 11:11 pm
I had a life issue about chastity that I posted a while ago. Basically, while still a virgin, I definitely violated the law of chastity and almost got my endorsement to go to school taken away, which would've prevented me from going. I was able to have regular talks with my student ward bishop and I regained the privilege of taking the sacrament and attending the temple. I was so heartbroken by what I'd done, and I felt like I'd truly repented.
Unfortunately, during my involvement with the young man with whom I was unchaste, I'd developed the habit of having really unrighteous thoughts. When he wasn't around I'd miss the feelings he gave me, and my thoughts were almost like pornography to me, bringing those feelings back for a while.
I still have a lot of trouble with my thoughts. They almost seem unstoppable sometimes. I realized that I'd addicted to them and the way they make me feel. I know that I would not be struggling with those thoughts in the way I do had I not done the things I did with him. Now all it takes it a flashback to what we did, and I get those feelings back. Sometimes it's so hard to fight the urge to touch myself to get those feelings, which hasn't become a problem yet, but sometimes it feels like just a matter of time before it is. I feel sickened by myself, especially since we're studying prep to eternal marriage at Institute, and I feel like my thoughts are holding me back from being the woman the man of my dreams would want to be with for eternity. I know that if he, whoever he is, had a similar problem that I would be very saddened by it. I want somebody who is clean in deed, word, and thought, and it pains me that I can't seem to live up to that standard.
I believe that everybody has their weaknesses and challenges in this life, and being chaste has been so hard for me. Sometimes it feels too hard, and like waiting for marriage seems like too long for me to hold out. I know why I should be chaste, and I feel so dirty, but I can't seem to stop. It's so hard for me not to want sexual experiences in my life, and even though I know that I can when I'm married, I get so impatient, and it's eating at me. My impatience is fueled by the fact that I've already done things that needed to be saved for marriage, and I know how amazing it felt, which is something that I'm not sure repentance can take away. I think about sex a lot, much more than I should, and I can't seem to get my thoughts controlled.
Is there anything I can do in addition to scriptures and prayer? Sometimes even when I pray for help I bring back those thoughts anyway. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of what I do to myself. Can anyone help me?
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Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 8:11 am
First of all, tell yourself you don't need it and don't want it. Remind yourself that there are better things out there and more important things in life to concentrate on than a base animal urge.
Second of all, sing a hymn and really think about the words you're singing. Someone once said that the mind is like a stage, and you are the director. Never forget that you have the power to think about whatever you want, so don't get stuck in a rut thinking unhealthy thoughts. Think about something better, like your goals in life, or a peaceful nature scene, or a fond childhood memory.
Another thing that helps is, whenever those thoughts arise in your mind, imagine yourself taking them in your hand like a big lump of dirty goo (because that's what they are anyway) and then physically go through the motions of clenching your fist, "crushing" those thoughts, and then throwing them over your shoulder, getting rid of them.
Additionally, if those thoughts start to pop up, say, out loud, "No, I will not think of that" or something to the effect, because you know who's putting those ideas in your head and you need to tell him to go away.
Have you gotten a priesthood blessing? That will help tremendously and you'll feel a lot better afterward.
And finally, don't consider your transgressions part of your life any more. Dwelling on what you did wrong is not going to help you do what's right. You learned your lesson and you don't have to beat yourself up about it any more, because Heavenly Father has forgiven you for it too and remembers your sins no more.
Have you read the conversion story of Alma the Younger?
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Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 2:59 pm
Maybe if you thought of those feelings in a different way it would help- not that you should think that those types of relations are bad, because they aren't. They're sacred, but only if they are within the proper bounds of marriage. I think you can still look forward to having those experiences in your life, but if you think about how much more amazing it will feel for you when you know that you are handling yourself in a way that Heavenly Father wants for you, then you will learn to put those urges aside and gain patience until the proper time.
Take some time to really think about and write down who you know you are, and who you want to become. I know that you want to be a faithful daughter of God and enjoy the blessings of the temple some day. If you write it down and make sure to keep that in your thoughts, then you won't let those temptations stand in your way. Remember the temple and how much it means to you.
I wish you the best of luck. You are in my prayers.
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Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 1:15 pm
Knowing that someone loves you and will love you. Knowing that would help you try to stop.
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Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 5:07 pm
I did some thinking about my future e.c., and I really took to heart the fact that the man of my dreams would never respect me for having those thoughts and giving into urges I may have. Also, I know that I disappoint my Heavenly Father, and every time I think unchaste thoughts, it's one more sin that I put upon Christ in Gethsemane, which I hate to think about doing.
We're talking about chastity right now in Institute. Last week we were all together in a small circle, discussing it, and I hadn't been able to go for a couple weeks, so I didn't know what the topic would be. I almost started crying, but it did make me feel more sure that resisting temptation will be worth all the pain of wanting to give in, but holding out.
Also, seeing other people that I know get engaged has a big effect on me because I see their engagement photos and they look so truly happy to be together, and they're dressing modestly and acting in a chaste manner. Thinking about the relationship my sister has with her husband and the relationship they had when they were engaged also is a great example to me.
Now when I go to bed I'm focusing on really praying and not just saying words, asking for help against my temptations, and when I lie down to sleep, I try to keep my mind blank or on an uplifting subject. It helps a lot.
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Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 10:13 pm
I think you should talk to your bishop for help. Let him know that while you haven't done anything wrong, you are worried you will and that try as you might, you can't stop this on your own. Go to him for support, for counselling. Let him know what you told us.
Also, if there is a Deseret/Beehive Bookstore around you, go and get a copy of "Willpower is Not Enough". Read it and do all the activities.
And, of course, keep up with prayer for strength and support and reading your scriptures. And remember to pray in the morning as well as this will get a good start to the day
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ConcreteAngel Vice Captain
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ConcreteAngel Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 10:18 pm
Lucentas First of all, tell yourself you don't need it and don't want it. Remind yourself that there are better things out there and more important things in life to concentrate on than a base animal urge. Second of all, sing a hymn and really think about the words you're singing. Someone once said that the mind is like a stage, and you are the director. Never forget that you have the power to think about whatever you want, so don't get stuck in a rut thinking unhealthy thoughts. Think about something better, like your goals in life, or a peaceful nature scene, or a fond childhood memory. Another thing that helps is, whenever those thoughts arise in your mind, imagine yourself taking them in your hand like a big lump of dirty goo (because that's what they are anyway) and then physically go through the motions of clenching your fist, "crushing" those thoughts, and then throwing them over your shoulder, getting rid of them. Additionally, if those thoughts start to pop up, say, out loud, "No, I will not think of that" or something to the effect, because you know who's putting those ideas in your head and you need to tell him to go away. Have you gotten a priesthood blessing? That will help tremendously and you'll feel a lot better afterward.And finally, don't consider your transgressions part of your life any more. Dwelling on what you did wrong is not going to help you do what's right. You learned your lesson and you don't have to beat yourself up about it any more, because Heavenly Father has forgiven you for it too and remembers your sins no more. Have you read the conversion story of Alma the Younger?
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Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 8:38 am
I don't know if you are still seeking council and support anymore or not...but I thought I could add in my two pence, however helpful it may be.
I am going through a similar problem myself. My fiance and I have done some very immoral things together that should have waited until we were actually married. It is so hard to keep immoral things from your thoughts, especially when you know how it feels already. My fiance and I have both been having problems, because we love each other so much, it just comes so naturally to want to be that close, share those special things.
However, I'm speaking from the other end of the tunnel. We have been taking the steps to keep ourselves temple worthy. I have my first temple recommend now, that I almost didn't have because of a slip up not but a little over a month ago or so. We're getting married in the Houston Temple on the 31st of this month. I can testify to you that it is worth every hardship. I find myself getting impatient as well, and I only have a couple of weeks left to hold up. It sounds so easy, but it just makes it all the more difficult. Hang in there, keep doing what you need to in order to get yourself to the temple. Whatever it may be; avoid the things that trigger those feelings, seek out help and council from your bishop or stake president.
Something that my fiance and I have done is we have turned those feelings into something to look forward to. Its the carrot at the end of the stick sort of thing. Whenever an impure thought would come into mind we say that we'll "save it for later use" and then put it out of our minds to remember when the time comes. This may not work for you, since everyone is different, but I thought that it could be used as an example of something that you could do in addition to everything else. This might not work because you may have longer to wait until you get married and can share those things together. Its all about finding the right thing for you. I encourage you to continue to get closer to your Heavenly Father. God is there to listen and to help you. He's the only one who truly understands what you're going through, and He always provides a way for you to overcome. That thought always helps me. No matter how hard things are, God will always provide me with a way to overcome, and to grow from it.
Another important thing to remember, as someone else has said, you have the power to think, do, say what you want. You decide ultimately what goes in and what comes out. If it is something that you don't want in your head, then you can get rid of it, no matter how big, if you have the Lord's help. This has helped me, personally. I was once overcome with those feelings one night, and it was keeping me awake, and nothing that I tried really helped, but I knew that I didn't want them there. So, I remembered that whatever we do in the name of God, Satan must obey. So, I commanded out loud, calling on Heavenly Father for His help and power, that Satan leave me.....and he did. I was immediately filled with peace, and I was able to fall asleep. It may not work exactly like that for you, but that is my experience, and I hope that it gives you the hope and confidence that it gives me.
"I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it"
I know this is true, and I will keep you in my prayers. May you be blessed with the things you need.
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Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 10:55 pm
I'm scared to talk to my bishop. With my chastity-related issue that I had a little less than a year ago, he almost took away my ecclesiastical recommendation that I needed to go to school. I went through this huge, long repentance process which was emotionally and spiritually exhausting (but highly rewarding), and I'm afraid to tell him that after all that, I feel like I'm slipping up again. My goals and dreams center on going to BYU-I/BYU, and I'm so scared that considering what happened before, he'd be much less willing to give me another chance. I was so close to being kicked out of school before I even went, and I can't face that heartache again.
However, I do know that I've done wrong. I saw the guy who I was previously involved with several times, and we ended up kissing. I feel so disgusting to have let that happen. I know I've done some bad things, even since the really major instances from last summer, but I'm so scared to talk to the bishop about them, especially if he'll ask me to talk to my parents about it again. How could I tell them that I went behind their back so many times to see [Boy's Name]? I've started ignoring his calls (I don't know how to block numbers on my phone, and I want his number in my phone so I know it's him), and I have no desire to ever see him again, but I did snog the guy.
What do I do?
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Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 5:07 pm
I'm worried about you. You're struggling with a natural desire and your attitude toward it concerns me. You say that the guy you'd want to marry wouldn't respect you for having these thoughts and desires. Honey, the guy you marry will definitely want you to have them! Any man who does not respect your beautiful, God-given desire is a man who, at the least, needs serious re-education. It probably won't help you now but later, you should read the book "And They Were Not Ashamed." It's a guide for marital relations written by an LDS doctor from an LDS view-point. You really, really don't want to fall into the trap of condemning your desires. Marriage will not flip a switch in your mind. Sex is not bad one day and beautiful the next. It is always beautiful; it just needs the proper context.
What you are having trouble with is the context. That's totally understandable. The way I see it, you have a couple of options. Please forgive me if I cover any situations you've already talked to us about.
#1) You need to ask him not to call you. It's not fair to you. You may have kissed him but that doesn't mean you owe him. If he won't listen, then get a new number or block his calls or something. Your phone manual or the company's website will have directions on blocking calls. It will be hard and sad but it will be necessary. You deserve someone who listens to you and continuing to press his suit after you've asked him not to shows he's not listening.
#2) Your parents and your bishop want you to come to them and tell them you need their help! They may be saddened that you're still struggling with this but that's because they don't want you to suffer, not because they expect you, unlike the rest of humanity, to never ever struggle again. The scriptures and the prophets would not talk about chastity as much as they do if people weren't continuing to struggle with it.
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Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:23 pm
I don't know if you're already a member of the LDS Life Issues guild or not. I found some help there in times past. Perhaps I could invite you to it? (you can pm me your username). Other than that all I can add is that the above posts have given valuble advice.
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Posted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 12:45 pm
Many times pain and guilt come after repentance. One thing that is important is that you need to frogive yourself. You made a decission and you can't go back to the past and change it. You have to move on.
Some one in the church said that our mind is like a stage. We don't have control over what comes on, but we do have control over what stays on. I find that humming a favorite hymn helps. The words to "I know that my redeemer lives" always calm me and brings me to tears of gratitude. ("He lives to calm my troubled heart")
Continuing prayer and scripture reading does help, but in the end you have to accept God's help and he may not help you by taking away your thoughts and feelings, but by using your friends to help you through the worst of times. Selfless service may also help you to keep your mind of yourself and your troubles and help lift someone else.
Also Ether 12:27 I think, says that he will make weak things become strong unto us.
Maybe you went through this experience for a reason. Maybe when you do master your thoughts you'll be able to help someone else to not make the desicion you made and suffer the same way or help someone else out of the misery that is similar to yours.
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Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 10:19 am
I have a question- how serious of a sin is masturbation?
I am so weak, and I'm sure Heavenly Father is so sick of seeing me fail to combat temptation. I'm afraid that I'm unworthy to continue going to BYU-I, because I've already broken the law of Chastity, and I don't know that I can have a second chance. I am so miserable and weak and I hate myself right now. All I can do is cry. Please, PLEASE help me!
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Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 11:45 am
Build up the courage and strength to get rid of the problem. Enlist the aid of your bishop, your parents, your Heaven;y Father. He is not sick of seeing you fail because he loves you and knows you can overcome. He does not give us any sort of trial we cannot overcome. He will give us all the chances we need. That doesn't mean we have to do it by ourselves. There are people there just waiting to help you. All you have to do is ask. I know you can do it. Don't hate yourself. Think 2 or 3 positive thoughts every time a negative one enters your mind. Trust me. It helps.
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Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 11:57 am
I want you to imagine your daughter. She has thoughts, dreams, interests and plans. She has some weaknesses true but you know she's still working on herself and you're proud of both the girl that she is and the woman she is trying so hard to become.
Then you find this wonderful soul that you've nurtured crying and saying she hates herself.
Do you hate her? No. Your heart breaks for the suffering you see. There is so much more to her than the flaws on which she is focusing and you wish you could wave a magic wand and make her see them.
God does not hate you. He is not sick of seeing you fail to combat temptation. He is proud of you for trying and rooting for you to win but He also knows what a long road that journey can be. He wants to help you. He can, through prayer and through the people in your life like your bishop and your family. Now, His help doesn't mean you will cease having these feelings. What it means is he will support you in resisting and sometimes that means giving you more chances to resist.
I was having some problems recently with my temper. I always thought I was quiet, peaceful type but some recent events have... um, seriously challenged that self-perception. I have spent most of the last few months praying every morning and again every afternoon for the ability to keep an even keel and keep my temper even when things get so frustrating at work. The callers I deal with haven't become nicer or stopped asking what seem to be really stupid questions. But, aware that I want this change and that I have God to help me, I am getting better at stepping back from the situation, calming down and being more helpful. I wasn't very good at it at all this last week -- I was much more irritable this week than I wish I had been -- but I just take a deep breath, say a prayer and work on doing better next time.
I repeat. God loves you. Jesus loves you. Your parents and your bishop love you. They are not fair-weather friends and they won't give up on you. Don't you give up on yourself.
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