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What is subspace?

Before we get too much further into the art of aftercare, lets talk a bit about subspace and domspace. I've had many people whom have read my stories ask me, "What IS subspace?"; that is a hard question to answer because the experience will vary from person to person.

Subspace by physical definition is a release of endorphins into your system that allows your body to withstand increased pain, stress and other outside influences. Physical stimulation for some suddenly doesn't feel as intense, and for others can seem more intense in an entirely different way. Touches that normally wouldn't cause much reaction can have you begging for more. Your skin tingles with a craving for more touch, harder stimulation, more, more, more.

By emotional definition, subspace is even more powerful for most people than it is physically. Emotionally, subspace can be a very narrow-minded world. Your focus changes from everything and everyone around you to just you and the person you are scening with. Sounds, smells, sights, and activity around you seems to fade and cease to exist. Worries about how you look or how much you can take can be replaced with feelings of self-confidence and the ability to take whatever your partner dishes out. Nothing seems to matter right then except sinking into that wonderful feeling and somehow making it last forever. You have the ability to block out everything around you and enjoy only the scene and the sensations in that moment. Your dom may speak to you and you will hear his or her voice, but be unable to focus on the words. A switch of implements may be barely noticed as one sensation blends into the next. Time seems to stand still and mean nothing. It's a unique trip with unique characteristics for each person.

Different people reach subspace in different ways. For some, other senses besides touch come into play and turn into triggers for subspace. I have heard submissives claim that their partner's voices trigger subspace. It may be the sounds of leather strap meeting skin, or a cane whisk in the air. For most however, it is the physical touch that triggers and lures your mind into that space. For me subspace is almost a defense mechanism, a way for my body and brain to cope with the intense physical pain and turn it into something positive rather than negative. One implement that never fails to take me into subspace is the cane. I am so used to the cane being a partner to my trips into subspace that it only takes one stroke to get me there.

Some people may never feel this rush, and that is perfectly normal. It doesn't mean you are any less submissive than the next person if you don't 'get there', or any less dominant if you don't lure your partner into subspace. It certainly doesn't mean you are any less experienced than another; your body and mind simply have a different way of coping with the physical and emotional impact of bdsm and spanking play, and that way does not include subspace.

Coming "down" from subspace can be a very emotional and difficult time for many submissives, and this is where aftercare becomes extremely important to protect the well-being of the person. I will talk more about that in a bit.

Before, During and After

Many people define aftercare as care after the scene, as the word itself implies. However, I feel that aftercare needs to start long before a scene ever starts, and the more focused the care is the better the overall experience will be. Aftercare comes in both physical and emotional forms and as with everything in the bdsm and spanking lifestyle will vary from person to person in what they need and want. Many subs and doms have no need for aftercare as discussed here and as long as the lack of need is consensual and understood by both parties, it is perfectly acceptable and in no way abusive. However, for a sub that does have these needs in a scene, the dom accepts that responsibility when they choose to scene with the sub and should provide to those needs (within reason) or avoid the situation altogether.

Aftercare During a Scene

Quality aftercare continues into the scene as well. Especially in scenes that involve subspace, coming down from that state takes a little patience and a lot of time. Plan your time wisely. If you have four hours to be together, at least one a half hour of that should be spent on aftercare and more if the sub shows signs of reaching his or her physical or emotional limits earlier. One thing that can often lead to disaster down the line is to have a reputation of play and run. I have been in quite a few situations where time has run short and there was no time for quality aftercare or the dom simply didn't provide any. No matter how good the actual scene was, that lack of care stays with me and my memory of the experience is overall negative. Taking into consideration the amount of time you have together is important. It is better to overestimate and end up having more down time than needed than to cut it short and not be able to provide any at all.

Care during a scene that involves subspace is especially important. When some subs drift into subspace, their own judgment is often flawed. The sub may think and feel that she can take much more than she is actually capable of taking and in a scene with a dominant that does not know the sub well, this illusion might end up bringing unintentional harm to the sub. It is up to the dom to be able to realize, within reason, when a sub has had enough and to make that judgment call if it becomes an issue.

I remember one time I was being caned and the dom asked me if I had had enough. I said no, I wanted to continue but in his judgment, I had reached the end of what I could take and he could give me in that session. He gave me three more strokes and ended the scene. After I came down, I found myself feeling angry and disappointed that he had ended the scene because I felt I could have kept going. Later on, nursing my welts and recovering from the shakes, I realized that going any further would have been too much for me both physically and emotionally. His judgment in that moment was better than mine, and I am thankful he was attentive enough to stand by it.

On the other hand, domspace from what I've been told, can come with a certain amount of danger of it's own. Some doms get so involved in the scene, so intent on what they are doing they lose the ability to control their surroundings, have a shift of focus off of the submissive, or become so involved in their own experience that thoughts become less rational and more uncontrollable. Their ability to realize when they have gone to far or when the sub has had enough is dampened by the heightened sense of 'power' that is sometimes associated with domspace. In other words, a more sadistic and cruel part ends up taking charge.

For instance, the first time I was flogged in a very busy club by my then-dom I had to safeaction out in the middle of the scene when a heavy flogger knocked the breath out of me. My partner ignored the signal and didn't stop much to my dismay. I toughed it out until he switched floggers, confused by his refusing to stop and unsure of how to handle it. Later on a bystander told me that he seemed to be more focused on showing off his flogging skills to the audience rather than focusing on me and hadn't noticed my safeaction or gasping for breath. It was an extremely frightening experience and one that has made me very cautious about playing in front of an audience, even though I do love it.

Subspace is a very delicate mindframe. Another way to ensure a quality scene is to accept complete control of the scene, including the surroundings. Sudden loud noises, the flash of a camera, or physical contact from someone not involved in the scene can have a very negative impact on a sub that is experiencing subspace. Being attentive of the surroundings and making an effort to prevent such disruptions will ensure that the sub doesn't experience a sudden and disorienting jolt out of subspace or something else that can otherwise ruin a scene for one or both participants.

Taking breaks during a scene is certainly acceptable, and there are various ways to stay in scene but still take a break. Corner time is one method that is often used and while not for everyone, can be a very effective way to take a breather without stopping the scene or making too much of an adjustment. Lecture time in a punishment scene or a pause to just sit together and spend time gently touching and cuddling for a moment are other ways to pause a scene without stopping it entirely, and gives the dom a chance to check in and assess how much further the scene should continue.

No matter how well you prepare for a scene chances are something will come up that one or the other of the persons involved will not be prepared for or not be able to handle well. Being attentive and taking the time to discuss these possibilities before hand and taking breaks to check in will make you better prepared to handle them in the midst of the action, or prevent them altogether.

Types of Aftercare

Aftercare comes in both physical and mental forms. You may spend hours being spanked, teased, tied up, tortured, pushed, lectured and pleasured, and this WILL take a toll on your mind and your body. During a scene there may be times when you need to be reassured, a chance to rest, have a drink of water and 'check in". The aftercare and care in general is important in any situation but especially so in heavier or longer scenes, or scenes that are wrought with emotional issues (a stern punishment, first time exposure to something that pushes a limit, etc).

Physical comfort is one of the main types of aftercare. Hugs, cuddling, just being near one other, or even just being in the same room for an extended period of time are all valuable physical forms of aftercare. Some ways to offer physical comfort include simply holding and hugging, stroking hair, tell him or her how brave they were, make her believe that she's okay, or letting him pour some of that energy into you to take the edge off. It is important to remember that your body will need care too and applying lotions or creams to welts can be a very comforting form of bonding, as well as making the effort to keep welts and bruises properly cared for.

Making sure both parties don't neglect rest and nutrition after a hard play session can also help combat sub and top drop, and is another important type of aftercare. It is a good idea to keep orange juice, granola bars, or some form of sugar handy to give a boost after a scene and prevent a sugar crash. Make sure your body receives plenty of water and stays hydrated throughout and after the scene. Most submissive's don't realize or appreciate how much energy they burn by just lying there. The dominant's are often more aware of how much energy a scene can take out of them, but often fail to realize and meet their own needs in favour of caring for their partners. Asking a submissive to fetch and serve water for both of you can be a way to take a break in a scene, stay "in role", and take care of your body.

Continuation of discussion and bonding are other important forms of aftercare. Sometimes a person's actions are misleading, and a good top will take the time to learn about your reactions and what they mean. When I hit subspace, I get the shakes. My whole body quivers and shakes and my face flushes an unnervingly deep red. To those that know me, this is a sign that they've taken me to where I want to go and it is a compliment to them. To someone who has never played with me, it might be rather unnerving. Everyone reacts to stimulation in different ways. If that personal connection or bond between two players is not there before a scene, the aftercare won't work the way it is supposed to and the sub will likely be left feeling confused and sometimes even upset and angry. It is important to understand and realize just how important that connection is and not play with someone when that connection is not there just for the sake of playing, or not play with someone who has different opinions of aftercare than your own without coming to a logical understanding of what is expected first.

Aftercare includes analyzing and discussing reactions, and doms being prepared for those reactions so they don't misinterpret what they see. Some subs get very clingy and very quiet when unwinding from the sensations. Some don't like to talk or focus, rather just need to be held and touched until they unwind enough to trust that they have their emotions under control. Some get extremely hyper and giddy and need to be allowed to work off that excess energy. Some don't need anything at all and prefer to handle their emotions and needs themselves. It's a very unique and wonderful cycle.

It is important for many that the aftercare extends beyond these moments however. Hours or even days later, many subs will be anxious to talk about what was experienced and get their partners feelings on what happened, and may feel abandoned or cheated if they don't get to do this. It is important that the sessions not be cut off just when the actual scene ends, if at all possible. A dom that has accepted the responsibility to scene with a sub needs to understand that the responsibility should extend well beyound that moment and be open to discussing and simply providing hugs in the days after the scene. These needs should be tailored to the individual and situation.

I love to write about my experiences and feelings after a scene. It helps put me in touch with what I discovered about myself and have a record of it to look back on later. I might be fine for days and then suddenly feel confused and out of sorts about something that happened or something I discovered. I look for partners that I can go back to whom will willingly lead a listening ear and a shoulder to help me understand those emotions. Having peers you can share your experiences with can prove to be valuable too and a good way to get support from others, not just those involved directly in the scene. Maintaining privacy of those involved is always a must, but sharing your feelings and experiences with a trusted friend should never be discouraged.

Spanking and submission is not all about physical actions; the emotional aspect is just as, if not more important and fragile. A good dom will take the time to make sure of the submissive's mental well-being, even if their body is sore and marked. Quality aftercare is what brings someone back to play again and builds trust in a top. A top that does the "spank and run" type of scene is someone to be avoided if your needs as a sub are higher. Aftercare is an art that will vary from person to person in tastes on what they need or how they provide it, but is something I believe everyone can appreciate. Don't trust your heart and health in the hands of someone who doesn't have the common courtesy to care about your physical and mental well being before, during and after.