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 Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 10:02 am
I wrote this poem for a camp friend who passed away a number of years ago. Angels is about Amanda, whose heart problem killed her. She and I both attended a camp called Heart Camp. Heart Camp will always hold a special place in my heart even though I am no longer there.... crying
Angels
You’re too tired to hold on any longer
You feel too weak from fighting your whole life
Ready to give in
To give up
It must be your time
To live among the angels
The porcelain angels by your bedside
They give you the peace as you lay there
Their beauty endures
While with love, you hold on
For someone special
A little longer you make life last
Afraid to leave loved ones behind
You’re aware of the pain they endure
To hold on with only a little
You make a last wish
In hopes to see one last thing
Before you live among the angels
Things happen so fast
The very thing that beats inside you
Gives you the pain you’ve suffered
All of your life
It’s what makes you fight
But you want to give in
To live among the angels
***Amanda had porcelain angels that she said watched over her....***
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Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 11:11 pm
Your poem shows a lot of emotion, and tells an excelent acount of the feeling you show and feel for your friend. The first two lines of your first and second verse are too long, and you should see if you can find a way to shorten them while still getting the same feelings threw. Also, the poem it's self doesn't flow together very well. See if you can find new interesting ways to combine lines in a rhythmic way. Finally, see if you can find unique words that sound better in the place of smaller ones.
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