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 Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 9:33 pm
Cassiel had finally done it. She had flipped out, she had snapped, and she had told her mother off. She had cut the ties to her last relation, had officially denied her any chance of forgiveness and made quite sure that Eponine understood her place - she was not wanted in her life, she was not needed, and perhaps someday. . . a long ways away . . . the blue mare might realize Cassiel did it all for her. For the broken mare, for all those years of regret. . .for all those attempts at love.
Now Eponine had no daughter to worry about, had no need to remember her fling with Ezriel, to look upon her living mistake. She never again had to wonder where her daughter might roam because it wasn't important anymore, she could now live her life anew without a mare to be obligated to care for. Cassiel had flipped out, had touched in to her years of pain and bitterness, and had finally cast out her last remaining tie.
She could finally live her life. . . alone.
And that was exactly how it was supposed to be. She wasn't worthy of love, she wasn't worthy of concern, she wasn't worthy of anyone or anything. She was . . . she was herself. A wretched mare with a shattered heart and no spirit. . . What she had said, what she had done was for the best.
Now she was no ones obligation.
And yet. . . . even still . . . . Cassiel cried. Alone and with no fear of anyone finding her (for nobody cared enough to look for a black eyed and bitter mare) she sobbed. Hiding her face in her tangled ebony hair, shrouded by the darkness of night within a quiet woods, the mare couldn't stop the tears. Her face was stained with dirt, her eyes burned, and she could find no voice. But what did it matter?
Half-starved, her depression and lifes regret had caused her to stop eating. Why did she bother to care for her appearance, why did she bother to n** at grass or bathe at the waters edge? Alone she had no worries, she had no cares not even for herself. . . . But such was the story of her life. A small part of her wanted to find joy in this understanding that she had done right. . . .
But somewhere, another part of the mare weeped and regretted her every action. She had cast out everyone who bothered, who had tried. . . and all for what? What had she accomplished other than a life of fear and a life of hate and a life of nothing? What did she have to show for it? Even alone she wasn't any happier than around her friends. . but what friends? She HAD no friends. . . She had made sure to cut ties with her one and only friend ages ago. And hadn't allowed anyone else so near.
So what? Why did she now regret turning her mother away? Why did she regret the words she said if she truly loathed Eponine as much as she had claimed? This was her moment of glory, her moment to rejoice. . . . And yet the mare could only silently weep.
Alone. Her wish had been granted but the taste of victory was bittersweet at best.
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Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 10:14 pm
 It was one of his more restless nights. There were times when he was taken with his foalhood ailment of not being able to stay still. This often led to long wanders at all times of day. He didn't have any one place he called home because of this, for often he ws too far from home by the time he finally tired out and was forced to rest.
Tonight, however, it had been especially persistent. Usually just moving, going somewhere, helped ease the silent urge to do anything but stand still. It was different this time, though. He felt driven. Randomly wandering made the sensation more intense, as if an inward pressure was giving him no choice but to turn his nose into the wind and move that direction. Only when he had finally given in and begun cantering with his face to the wind did the pressure ease off. He slowed to a walk eventually, still feeling herded along, but growing more curious as to why.
The night was fine, with only a few clouds, gilded silver by the nearly full moon. The stars glittered more brightly along the edges of the sky, but they only added beauty to the soft light that fell upon the earth. His hoof-falls were deadened by the leaflitter, and a light fog breathed among the trees. The wind had died to a mere breeze, fitfully working through the trunks of the trees and stirring up the wisplets of moisture that lazily swirled near the forest floor.
He was about to dismiss this outing as being like all the others when the coy breeze brought him a scent. He stopped dead in his tracks, ears thrown forward as his nostrils flared. That.. scent. It reminded him of... of a time long ago. Of a friend found and lost again. The breeze carried the scent of his childhood best friend, Cassiel. His heart twisted painfully as he thought back on her. She had seemed so sad, and so in need of a family. He had longed for her to become part of his family, but one day she had slipped away, early in the morning before he or his mother were aware. He had fretted for weeks about her, until finally he had to simply let go. "If she needs us, she will come back. She knows where to find love now," his mother had told him.
But perhaps she had been wrong. For now the breeze was picking up again, and borne upon it was the sound of heartbroken weeping. The gusts of wind cleared a straight path through the fog, and before he realized it, he was charging down that pathway, his hoofbeats still amazingly muffled by the years of fallen leaves.
If it hadn't been for the gleam of her pale hide, he might have run right over her. As it was, he had just enough time to register that she was collapsed on the ground, face hidden by her straggly black mane, sobbing as if her world was at an end. In a heartbeat, he had thrown himself to the ground beside her, leaning his body into hers and curling his neck over hers, so that his chin drew her head close to his chest.
"Cassiel, Cassiel, what's wrong?" he cried softly, her pain becoming his pain. "Oh heart of mine, tell me what's wrong?" He hadn't quite been aware that he'd spoken quite so endearingly. All he knew is that she needed him, and now he was there for her. Nothing short of death could have forced him away in that heart-wrenching moment when he'd realized it was indeed her, curled in such a pitiful and despairing lump on the forest floor.
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Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 10:40 pm
Cassiel hadn't heard the approach of another and at this moment, like most moments, had she caught wind she really wouldn't have done anything. Perhaps her tears would have been shushed, perhaps her pride (what little there was) might have reared its ugly head and she would have regained control of her pain. . . but Tobias' foot falls were too silent. And on top of it all her sobs far too loud and consuming. She couldn't hear anything except her breath catching in half-strangled pants, could feel little except the shuddering of her hurt. . . .
No, she didn't know that one had drawn near until a voice called her name. But by that point a body had suddenly thrown itself against her, and the warmth of a neck pulling her head close to a chest. It was a numb sort of recollection and yet at this moment in time such an embrace couldn't have been more welcome. . . even if part of her screamed protest. No . . . right now the shuddering form knew nothing more than her regret . . .
For absolutely everything.
So she cried. And cried. And cried, staining the purple chest and legs of her one long-lost friend. She was too broken to move, too broken to fight, to run, to flee. . . . And as the moon slowly rose, as the mists settled alongside the pair, with the shadows and trees their only witness, Cassiel finally found her breath. Her shaken sobs slowed as logic fought to the surface. . . . There was a familiar scent surrounding her. . . one she could never have forgotten. It had changed, certainly, but it was familiar enough. . . . .
Ah, but she was dreaming, wasn't she?
Of course not - Cassiel never dreamed.
Black eyes glittered and stained with tears, opening her eyes she caught the sight of a purple chest and purple legs. And only one stallion she'd ever met had been such a colour with such faint strips. . . Oh gods. Was this some cruel trick? What on earth was he doing here? And on top of it all why was he being so . . . . so . . . . . gentle? Shocked and exhausted, with tears threatening to fall anew, Cassiel finally lifted her head to stare at the whited maned stallion.
. . . . Tobias.
Her friend. Her only friend.
My how time had changed. . . he was bigger now, but so was she, and oddly enough he remembered her. He knew her name. Swallowing hard, the mare found herself incredibly unsure. Her ears pinned in shame and she quickly looked away, half pulling away as if she had committed some great crime. And she had. . . .
He wasn't supposed to be here. She had let herself get caught. "T. . Tobias. . . " She wasn't sure what else to say, her whispered voice cracking. Now that he'd found her, she was certain of his rage. . . of his own anger. If he remembered her, than he obviously had to know the hurt of losing a friend. "I'm . . . . I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. . . I d-d-didn't mean . . . You w-w-weren't supposed to . . . " She had no idea what to say as a new fear and grief lumped in her throat. It was Tobias . . her friend. But she had cried on him, she had stained him, and she had left him such a long time ago.
All he had to do was rise and leave, turn around and find himself some happiness. A well of despair, that's all she was, wasn't it? Could she do nothing right, even abandonment? Apparently not. Half struggling to her feet, she made it only to her knees before giving up,unable to face this beloved and feared ghost of her past.
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Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 10:59 pm
The pain! Oh the pain in those dark eyes! It broke his heart and swept him away in a fierce and feral instinct to protect her. But as she scrambled to right herself, to get away, and as her words tumbled out in tattered disarray, he softened, though no less determined.
"Oh Cassiel," he murmured, tears tightening his throat. "You still haven't learned what love is, have you?" Tenderly he reached to nuzzle her unkempt mane from her tear-streaked face. How could he explain? He'd only sensed dimly as a foal what troubled her then. He still didn't know the specifics now, but he recognized as an adult the signs of what had been the heart of the problem when they were foals... her heart. And now, here she was, trembling and cringing as she had then. Only now, he understood.
He moved closer, once again leaning his body into hers comfortingly. "My dearest friend," he began, speaking softly, for her ears only. "You still don't understand what I tried to tell you, so long ago." He paused to tip his muzzle under her chin, drawing her face towards him again. "You cannot stop someone from loving you, even when you dno't want to be loved, or don't think you should be loved." His tone was gentle, his breath soft against her. "Even when you can't see it, when you think it is gone, love finds a way, as I have found my way back to you."
Oh how it made his heart ache. The sorrow and guilt and sheer despair rolled off of her in waves, enough to overwhelm anyone of as sensitive a soul as Cassiel. She had been born fit for a gentle life, a life of quiet days and content nights, a life of security and family and above all, love. But somehow, someway, that had never happened for the tender-hearted little filly he'd met. Instead, life had played a cruel joke, it seemed, denying all the things she needed. He couldn't know how this had come to be, or who was responsible, but he knew he could change it all. Well, not change the past, but change her future. He knew, with all his very being, that she needed him. Moreso now than when they had been foals. She needed him now, and he was bound and determined to be there for her.
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Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:18 pm
Why? Why was he doing this to her? Why were the fates using him against her too? He was suppose to be safe, he was supposed to be protected and yet here he was . . . . and still as sweet as ever. This wasn't right, not for him, and not for her. . . . Why were they bringing him back in to her life when she had done her absolute hardest to leave?
It hadn't been easy. . . . Luca had been so kind, and Tobias had been her only true playmate. He'd saved her from the bullies of the world and yet . . . what did she bring him? Nothing but trouble. So she had left him with hopes that he would forget her and find a joy renewed elsewhere. He would live the life of his dreams, would find every happiness that Cassiel lacked. . . .
So now, within these woods, the world defied the young mares wishes once again. For a moment she allowed her friend near, frantically trying to place his words and understand what he was talking about. . . Love? Stopping love? Oh yes she could - she had done it once and she would do it again! Furthermore. . . . there was no more love to end. She had cut everyone out or everyone had left on their own accord. . . . So what on earth was Tobias prattling about?
Found his way back to her. . . ?
No!
No, no, no! This was all very much so wrong. Tobias didn't understand what he was doing to her - his gentle words, his assurances brought her more pain than she could swallow. Old wounds were reopened and she felt a sudden anger enter her soul. It must be easy for him to speak of love for the purple one was very much so loveable. But not Cassiel . . .
Lies. He spoke lies to her and he was supposed to be her friend! "Stop it!" Her voice was desperate, panicked and (surprisingly) angry. Not so much at Tobias but herself. . . . The regret of leaving him so long ago, the wonderment of how he fared. This was a horrible reunion and Cassiel felt a need to run once again. Cut ties before they sprouted. . . . Especially with such talks of love.
Love didn't exist, as far as Cassiel understood. And if it did, those rare moments when two souls met, it stayed far away from her. The grand-daughter of Reaper, the rejected daughter of Ezriel, and the mare who had no place or purpose. Where before she had blamed her life on her parents, Cassiel understood that most of her resentment was directed towards herself.
She had sinned as much as Ezriel and Eponine had. . . . So out of htem all she was the most unfit. Tobias didn't understand this, didn't know and couldn't know. He didn't understand what he was saying, hell, even SHE didn't understand what he was saying. But she had to get away before he got hurt. . . before he saw exactly what sort of creature he was dealing with.
"Take your love elsewhere, take it to someone who knows how to care! I r-ran away once to save you, I'll. . . I'll do it again!" It was supposed to be a threat, and in a way it was. He didn't realize how hard it had been to not turn around, to not run back to Luca and himself and stay there forever.
But they were too good for her.
Love was too good for her and she knew she was . . . . ugly inside. She wasn't worth a fight, she wasn't worth much of anything and she had allowed her insides to decay. She knew that now, older, wiser. . . but she still didn't know how to change or let anything good in.
Tobias would leave her, if not willingly (though she figured another few minutes and snarky words would turn him around swiftly) than she would make him leave through force. He was a danger to her. . . but she was dangerous to him. And that's exactly why he had to leave.
Now. Pretty words and all.
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Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:32 pm
He endured her painful words in silence. He let them spew as a boil spews out the infection. She had to say these things, had to empty it from her soul, where it had festered. How long had she held onto these words? How long had she kept them close to her poor, dying heart? Wailings of denial, outcries of rejection. So he let her say what she must, let it roll over him like a storm's wind. Buffet him it might, but it could not dissuade him, nor remove him. He stayed solid beside her, testament of another life, a life she could have.
But he listened, he listened close. Surely the key to her sorrows could be found in what she said? And there, a nugget of her pain came clear. He let it roll around in his mind, like a berry savored on the tongue, bitter though it might be. HOw could she have saved him by leaving like she had? Despite not understanding quite yet, he was stalwart beside her. And as for her desperate admonition of fleeing him...
"Where will you go, lost little one?" His voice was a soft rumble, like the soothing roll of distant thunder, promising much needed rain. "Where will you go that I cannot follow?" Would she really try to leave him behind? Yes, he decided, she might. But he would not let her go like she had when they were foals. He was not a young and naive colt any longer. He would not let her live alone in despair any longer.
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Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:44 pm
Cassiel shook her head, as if trying to rid herself of his words. Jerking back once again, retreating from him as if he were some terrifying apparition, her nostrils flared in frustration. Her war, her battle with an understanding for purpose and place had just received new ammunition; there was fire to the fuel and no stopping the inferno that would now burn deep inside.
The stallion wasn't listening to her. . . . But he had to be wrong! Had to! Who was he to just prance back in to her life like she mattered? Who was he to just pretend that the world would fall in to a happy little place. Let him spew the most wretched 'L' word out from his lips time and time again, he couldn't mean it. . wouldn't mean it.
Her friend, her most dear friend, was turning in to the enemy. This was a dream. . . or at least some sort of wretched nightmare. He didn't understand how hurt her heart had become; bitterness warred with want and desire. . . A friend, someone to crawl back in to her life was now battling against the need to reject it, to chop them out and save herself the hurt.
Damned if she did, damned if she didn't. . . she just couldn't escape the pain. The pain of lonliness against the pain of heartache. Nothing good stayed . . . so Tobias would be no different. Shoving herself back to her hooves, ears pinned and head lowered, Cassiel wasted no time. "I will run faster than you, I will run farther. I won't stop running, ya hear me? Do you understand, Tobias!? Why won't you just LEAVE!" That desperation had returned, just as tears welled up in her eyes. So panicked was she, so afraid and unsure what to do, what say, she could respond to his kindness in the only way she knew how - anger, resentment and her ever present fear.
Without a second look she bolted. She would run. . . and she would run until he fell behind, until he was long gone. He might chase for a little while but she was strong, even in her weakened state. She would run far away. . . somewhere. . anywhere. . . . and she would prove him wrong. They all left, they always would, and he was no different. Let him chase - she wouldn't stop running until she collapsed.
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Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:54 pm
And... there she went. He heaved a deep mental sigh. He had had a feeling it would come to this. He had known and understood, as his feelings had welled up from deep within, that she would not believe him. How could she? He was going to have to prove it, and he would have to prove it on her terms.
So he lunged to his feet and was swiftly after her. He didn't pursue her as a hunter, straining to catch up, to overtake. Instead, he followed her as a shadow. A faithful presence, simply remaining behind her. He didn't waste breath huffing and puffing in a vain attempt to chase her down. He conserved his energy, keeping near but not on her tail. Staying in sight and smell, but never further away than that. Vailaintly he remained behind her, threading through trees, darting around rocky outcroppings. Doggedly he set hooves along her trail, brushing past broken branches still bearing her warmth.
He took pains to remain in her area of awareness, to let her know he was there, but not trying to pen her in. He only followed her lead, going where she went, at the pace she set. In fact, when she finally faltered to a walk, he too dropped immediately to the same pace, weary and worn out as she. Even so, knowing how exhausted she must be, she again broke into a shambling trot. He too, sped up so that he remained behind her a short distance. He simply refused to be shaken off her trail.
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Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 12:08 am
He wasn't going away. . . he was there. Following her. Why, why, WHY!? He wasn't stupid, he wasn't deaf, and he had to know how to take some sort of command. Did he not want to respect her wishes? Or was he just enjoying such torment. . . .
He was right though. She had no where to go. She couldn't fly and abandon him. She couldn't go anywhere where he refused to follow. If she swam he would swim, if she ran, he ran. . .even when she walked and was easily able to be overwhelmed he. . . he slowed.
What was this some sort of game?
Her chest heaved with pants, her tongue was dry and her soul weary. Even walking was a strain on her limbs, her malnourished frame unable to last as long as it once had. Her panic kept her going though. . bit by bit . . . she was on a mission. She would loose him. . . all she had to do was keep walking.
Step by step, the mare kept up her forced trot. Exactly how much time had passed she'd lost count, but the moon had shifted and exhaustion overwhelmed her. The woods were a hazard for the mare whom had yet to navigate out of their embrace. Limbs caused her to trip, to lose her balance, but she continued until she could finally continue no more.
A glance over her shoulder proved he was there. . . but Cassiel was not a temperamental sort. Apathy often overwhelmed any amount of feeling and tonight's tantrum was over. She didn't understand him. . . but she was just too damned tired to care. Her run had cleared her head and his tracking over the length of time had at least proven that he wasn't going to be so easy to shake.
Not yet at least.
So it was with great remorse that the mare had little choice but to give up. At least ths physical running bit. With no rhyme or reason, on shakey legs, the mare finally came to a stop, head lowered in submission. Turning round, facing him, her black eyes narrowed on his figure and form . . . . But there he was. ". . . .this doesn't change anything." She'd still run. . . she'd just have to try a new tactic.
But for now. . . rest. Oh by the spirits did she need rest. Defeated for the moment, for the first round, Cassiel couldn't stand any longer. So she collapsed in a heap, as if waving a white flag. . . So let him stay. Fine. Whatever. She didn't have to care. . . . her friend would learn soon enough his mistake if he didn't know already.
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Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 12:19 am
His chest was aching, and his legs were trembling by the time she finally, finally came to a halt. He stumbled to a stop as well, muscles protesting loudly, breath coming in great heaves. He, however, was not in a condition to simply collapse, which is what she did. His eyes widened in alarm as she dropped where she stood, and in moments he was by her side.
Yes, he'd heard what she'd said before she'd fallen, but he simply set them aside. Right now, what she said mattered little. He simply had to prove to her that he cared. Really and truly cared. So for now, as she sank into exhausted slumber, he curled his body close to hers, resting his head across her shoulders. It took some time for his breathing to ease, for his heart to slow, for his muscles to relax. He spent that time focusing on enjoying her nearness, willing or not. He breathed her scent, now so close. He willed his own strength into her frail body. How thin she was!
This observation had him rolling up onto his feet again with a faint groan. Nosing around near where she slept, he rummaged around and found some edibles. A clump of sweet berries, tufts of moisture-rich grass, and even a tiny branch of mint leaves. It wouldn't sustain her, but surely she needed to eat something? He himself managed a few quick snatches of the same grasses before again curling himself against her. With his last thoughts, he wished her peace of soul, softening of heart, and realization of what he was there for.
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Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 7:21 am
She slept hard, too hard to remember the nightmares that often haunted her. Her body needed its rest and she slept soundly curled up against Tobias. The cool evening caused her to cuddle in to involuntarily cuddle closer to his embrace but even so it seemed a desperate need for warmth. And comfort. Despite how much she wanted to reject the purple stallion once again, despite how hard she felt she needed to save him from her agony. . . She needed him more than ever.
She wasn't meant to be alone, she wasn't meant to be unloved but she didn't believe in any other way. That was all she'd been given in her life so that was the only way she knew. Tobias spoke lies, or so she wanted to believe. He couldn't just sweep in to her life and stay. No one could possibly want to do that.
But Cassiel slowly woke to the sound of birdsong and a warmth surrounding and falling upon her. There was sunlight falling dappled through the canopy above, and even within the confines of hte woods she could tell it would be a warm day. Furthermore there were birds singing and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves and . . . . and him. Biting back a gasp of surprise, the mare almost jerked away from the stallion.
But there he was . . . asleep. And not just asleep but curled up beside her, next to her. Almost like they were foals again. . . . .
Foals.
She remembered how they had been what felt like ages ago. She remembered how kind he was, how gentle and protective he had been despite her flaws. And yet. . .she didn't deserve his friendship than and she certainly didn't deserve it now! Didn't he understand that? Well. . .he would. The longer he talked to her, the longer he drew near the more ugly he'd see her as and he'd begin to regret his mistake. Ears half-pinned, she tore her eyes from him to sulk and glare at the ground. . .
Berries, sweet grasses and . . . . was that . . . . .was that mint? Her stomach churned in disbelief and remorse. They wreaked of Tobias but she wasn't so daft as to understand whom they were meant for. . . such an offering, as if she were so important to worry about. Oh, why did he have to be so kind? She wasn't meant for such a life. . . . He should be wasting his night away with some other sort of mare - perhaps a white angel fallen from the sky, or some exotic beauty in need of a knight just as worthy. he shouldn't be here for her. . . .
Her throat choked - tears came ever so freely these past few days. Her broken spirit could hold little back, be it anger, be it resentment, be it grief. Her walls had broken somewhat but it left Cassiel dazed and more uncertain than ever, and Tobias was only confusing her more.
Need drove the mare to reach out. She didn't dare roll over lest wake him, and for some reason disturbing him was important too. Let him sleep. . . she took him on a wild and very mean chase - maybe he'd leave when he rose. . . . which deep down made not waking him ever more important. She managed to n** at some of the grasses as well as the berries, every now and then casting her black gaze back to the resting figure at her side.
. . . . . oh, for as much as she didn't want him here, it was so very nice to see her friend. He was alive. . .he was well (or so she assumed). Maybe today she could start over. . . maybe today she could just be his friend. Like in the olden days.
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Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 11:34 am
A pinecone digging into his ribs finally prodded him awake. Sleepily he stirred, feeling his body pressed against another's. He had spent time with mares, dallied with them pleasantly as his Uncle Guilian was known to, and found it enjoyable. But this... with her lovely warm scent floating about them... this was completely different. He sleepily nuzzled her neck, eyes not even quite cracked open yet. It almost seemed like a dream waking beside her.
A yawn suddenly overtook him, and forced him to stretch his neck, arch his spine, and open his jaws wide to the morning sky. With a snort and a shake of his head, he set himself to rights again and smiled at her. But oh, she looked so haunted! There were still shadows beneath her eyes, and a sunken look along her nose that told of time without food. His heart broke all over again, and he reached to nuzzle her again, speaking softly. "What do you say to a graze before you run again?" His expression was rueful, tinged with gentle humor, but also sadly accepting that she would flee from him, as if he were a monster she feared. He knew it wasn't him she feared, but it still wasn't something any stallion would relish. But he made a brave face, showing her that his love was undaunted by her desire to escape his affection.
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Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 3:27 pm
She shouldn't have started eating. The offering of sweet grasses and berries were too much and the young mare was reminded of exactly how ravenous she felt. Her stomach was empty and her strength weak. . . After last nights excursion, followed by the days previous of her overwhelming grief and depression, Cassiel wasn't looking her greatest. She felt dirty, she felt empty, and broken; like some sort of stain that would never truly become clean. . . .
But food was her main concern, at least for the moment. Nibbling at the last of the feast she could reach, she hardly noticed Tobias waking at her side. The only thing that alerted her of his rising was the sudden touch against her neck. Freezing, as if caught in some crime, Cassiel's ears made a war of pricking forward in surprise and wanting to flatten submissively.
Her war continued its battle as she understood that he was truly rising for the day. The fact he'd stayed with her all night was truly amazing. There was no reason for him to stay, there was nothing that tied him to her, nothing she had given him except mistrust. . . She had been the one to flee so many months previous; she had been the one to cut off all contact with Luca and her children; she had been the one to break the good in her life. . . .
So why was he here? And why was he treating her so kindly?
It just didn't make sense, not to the poor mare. He couldn't possibly still want to be her friend after everything she'd done to him; he couldn't possibly still think of her in such blind affection. And yet. . . . here he was. Ebony eyes focused briefly on the stallion beside her. He was bigger, stronger, taller than what she remembered; his white hair were more than frazzled and wind blown fluff and it was easy to see he'd matured long ago. But despite all the changes, he was still her loyal friend Tobias. . . .
And she was still entirely undeserving.
Averting her gaze, Cassiel said nothing for a long moment. She felt ill with guilt and remorse from her previous treatment, from the only sort of treatment she seemed to give him. But he had to realize she was doing this for him. . . . it would be better that way, wouldn't it? Already she was bringing him nothing but hurt and pain; like her father, all she knew was how to run and hide. But even thought she wanted to run, even though she felt compelled to break ties with her friend. . . didn't she owe it to him to at least explain? To apologize? Didn't she owe him fro all the good that he had done, all the light he had brought in to her foal-hood?
He had been her champion a million times over. . . . Cutting herself out of his life meant he was free to do as he wished without a care. All she seemed to do was attract trouble, and on top of that, with how fragile she was emotionally, with the shadows that often licked at her spirit, there was almost a guarantee she'd bring him future problems. And Tobias, least of all, deserved such a burden. . .
No matter what he thought!
But Cassiel couldn't run this day. Heck, the mare feared she could hardly stand much less push herself like she had the night before. Resting her head on her front hooves, still turned away from her friend, Cassiel released a heavy sigh. Her whispered words were a strain to hear, but she did finally reply, "I don't think I'll be running anywhere today. But please," And this part she seemed a bit more desperate to get her point across, "You don't have to stay for my sake. Truly. I'll . . I'll be fine, just fine. I'm just s-sorry. . .sorry we couldn't have met on better terms. I'm just . . . sorry. For everything." She was rambling, a rare trait for the mare but Eponine had taught her better manners than to allow for her behavior.
If she didn't apologize now, she might never get the chance. Such a coward she was. . . . she couldn't even look him in the face. Tears came easily, welling up in her black gaze. At least with her head turned he wouldn't have to witness such guilt. . . . maybe he wouldn't know. All she had to do was silently swallow them back down - Cassiel was absolutely sick of crying.
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Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 9:30 pm
"Cassiel." His voice was a gentle command, low and tender, spoken close to her ear. "Cassiel, look at me." Delicately he nudged her under her jaw in encouragement to turn and look at him with those dark depths of sadness. "I want you to listen to me. It will be hard, but set aside your thoughts. Think of nothing but what I am saying, okay?" He tipped his head to the side, leaning over her so that his mane brushed her shoulder, so that he might better gaze into her eyes.
"I know I do not have to stay with you. I know you would never ask it, and probably never dream of asking it." He paused so let that sink in. "But by saying that, you have to admit that it is my choice, for good or ill, regardless of what you think I should choose." His voice carried a faint, stern edge, but it was buffered by the gentle tone and loving gaze. "I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself. And now I choose to take care of you as well. Noone should take that choice from me." He tenderly nosed her again, blowing his warm breath against her face. "I am not sorry we met under these terms, or any other terms for that matter. I am merely glad to have found you again." Again he paused to let what he'd said have full impact. "I can't make you stop saying you are sorry, and I cannot convince you that you are not fine, despite your words. But likewise, you cannot convince me to go away, nor can you dissuade me from loving you."
He knew she'd flinch from the word. He'd seen it in her face when he'd said it before. He was sure by now she'd not hear what he'd say, but he had to try anyway. Softly, ever so much more softly, as if simply verbalizing his inner thoughts, "Cassiel, love is not something earned or deserved. Real love does not care about rights and wrongs in the past, nor the storms that lurk in the future. Oh, that romantic mush trilled by flutters may be like that, but not real love. Not the kind that endures. Not the love I feel for you." He let his voice trail off, his heart heavy. If only she'd listen. If only he could find the right words, the right actions. Her tense body, her averted face, told him that though she remained beside him, her heart still fled from him.
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Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 9:53 pm
It was hard to understand. Though she feared looking in to his gaze, feared the emotions she might witness, the young mare had no choice. Was it hate and loathing and a knowledge that she was right in her assumptions that spurred her fear? Or was it. . . . was it something else? Something softer, something gentler. . .something . . . loving. Both thoughts terrified her - now that Tobias was back a small part of her didn't want to give him up or turn him away. That little scared filly, deep in her heart, wanted to keep him near. He had been her champion once. . . .couldn't he be that again?
On the other hand, Cassiel feared the possibility of Tobias changing his mind. It wasn't easy erasing her past, forgiving the hurts she had caused and the hurts caused by others; it wasn't easy finding a place when none were open or welcome. Ezriel had never come back. . . their relationship had been rocky at best and then he cut ties and disappeared. Eponine had tried to love her, and Cassiel understood now that she did and had. . . but the knowledge of being a mistake still cursed her. Luce and Tobias had been a sanctuary, temporary as it was. . . . So Cassiel couldn't help but fear that like her parents before, regret might creep in to his gaze.
And if there was one things Cassiel hated it was to be alone.
She loathed it. . . but also brought such a thing upon herself. She didn't trust love but she feared the abandonment that haunted her. It wasn't easy, choosing a path. . . choosing a place. . . . But here she was, reunited with her dearest friend.
And it wasn't all bad.
Her eyes burned as she peeked up at the violet stallion before her. She had tried to hide the tears from flowing but as he gently reprimanded her the drops of liquid slowly ran down her nose. It wasn't because of his words, but because of the kindness and gentleness within them. He was right. . . Logic said he was right. It was his choice to stay or go, but Cassiel had trouble trusting his chosen position. She had ran as a filly, who was to say he wouldn't someday want to do the same?
Ah, but such was a risk everyone had to take. . . . Not eery stallion was Ezriel, afterall.
Loving you. . .
Tobias was right as the mare all but held her breath. Love her? Ah. . . but he couldn't. Could he? "How is . . . such a thing possible? You d-d-don't. . . . You h-hardly know me, T-Tobie. .." They had known each other once before but it seemed so very long ago.
She was different, darker, sadder. No good. . . or so the darkness commanded.
His words just couldn't be true. And yet, such a kowledge only hurt further. Love was impossible but if it were she knew she'd be the luckiest mare in the world. But, on the other hand. . . love had to be possible for without it she might never have accepted Tobias friendship and his mothers affections as a filly. If love wasn't possible than there was no reason for her to run.
Oh. . such confusion!
". . . . . why are you so kind to me? Why do you make things so difficult~!" It was a half-hearted complaint, though her eyes closed as she fought back her sniffles and tears. Her whispered voice shook as her war continued to wag upon her spirit. . . Someone had let in hope and it was all Tobias' fault. Someone had rattled the cage once again and her place in darkness and lonliness was now back in question.
It just wasn't fair. As soon as she thought her life was on track someone had to enter and shake it up again.
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