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 Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 3:56 pm
Epilogue
April, 21 1994
1am Saturday
The winds were howling to the moon as it passed through the night sky. Little 7 year old Lola Mc'creal was sound asleep in her yellow daisy bed when a faint noise, which sounded like footsteps came from out side her cracked doorway. The sound was loud enough to wake the little girl up. She rose from her pillow and drew the covers up too her cheeks.
"Mommy? Daddy? Are you home?" she waited for a minute with no reply.
"Aunt Becky?" she yelled.
The door open to show her aunt running in her room.
"Lola, honey, what is it? Whats wrong?" said Becky as she sat down on the edge of the bed. She was a tall slender women with dark blue eyes and bloned hair. Beautiful, but known for her attitude. Like an angel in disguise. She worked at the Main-street bar across from Lola's street. Famous for her Tropical Tangerine wine cooler.
"I was hearing noises Aunt Becky. Are Mommy and Daddy home yet?"
"No honey there not. They won't be home till tomorrow morning." she said calmly trying to soothe the young girl.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes Lola I'm positive. Now lay down and go to sleep, OK?
"OK Aunt Becky."
"Oh, and Happy Birthday Lola."
"Thank you, Aunt Becky."
Becky rose from the bed and kissed Lola on the forehead before she walked out of the room. Lola laid silently in bed listening to her aunts footstep slowly grow softer. Once she heard no more she flipped over to lay on her side to fall into a deep sleep.
Suddenly there was a crash of glass outside her doorway. Lola shot up from her bed, terrified. She slowly got up and headed for the door.
"Aunt Becky?" she said with a shaking voice.
No reply.
"Aunt Becky!" she cried.
No reply.
Lola ran out of her room and down the stairs. Once on the lower ground she saw a broken vase that her mother got her in pieces on the floor. She turned and headed down the hall towards the kitchen.
'The lights still on, she has to be in there!' she thought.
She entered the light filled room with a gasp as she saw a pool of blood in the center of the floor with a trail that followed. Her eyes followed the blood trail to the living room. She followed until she came to the room. She scanned the room looking for any sign of her aunt, but the trail just lead to her parents room.
When she looked closer she saw a pair of feet being dragged into the room.
"Aunt Becky?" she whispered. Crying frantically.
She walked slowly to the room without making a sound. Once she enter she saw her mothers T.V on with clothes laying on top of it. Looking to the right was the bed. There, was a hump underneath the abstract blanket. Also on the was blanket a blood stain she noticed, it was getting bigger and bigger. Slowly she walked to the bed. Her hand moved to the blanket, slowly pulling it back to reveal her Aunt Becky. She fell back with a gasp as she saw her aunts stomach sliced open and a knife gash in her head. Blood was spilling all over the bed.
Lola made a shrill cry as she stumbled to stand up and run out of the room. Once she hit the living room she slipped on the blood trail. She screamed and tried to get up but the effort was useless. Her hands keep slipping because of the blood. Finally she got up and ran to her room, slamming the door behind her.
She ran to her closet to hide in there. When she reached it she heard something outside the door. She took a step and started walking towards the door. When she opened it, there was nothing, so she turned and headed back to the closet.
A noise came from behind her and before she could turn around. Hands crept around her to capture her mouth. A sharp stabbing pain struck her neck and the stranger injected something inside her. In seconds she fell to the ground about to fall asleep.
"Sleep tight little girl, 'cause when you wake up, me and you are going to have some fun." and she fell fast asleep with the sound of laughter ringing in her head.
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 5:24 pm
Oh lord... I am quaking thanks to that story you wrote. Really impressive. Though I would like a bit more tension, it would make it even better. though it IS tense alredy... do as you like. This is a cruel, yet wonderful peice. It acctually seems like it did happen. I want to know more!!!
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Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 9:15 pm
Azal_Son of Anubis Oh lord... I am quaking thanks to that story you wrote. Really impressive. Though I would like a bit more tension, it would make it even better. though it IS tense alredy... do as you like. This is a cruel, yet wonderful peice. It acctually seems like it did happen. I want to know more!!! YAY! omg man thank you SO much, and just for that i will write more! and do you think you can kinda sorts help me with the more tension part? I'm not the good at writing... lol
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Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 1:49 pm
sincerely, you are good at your type of writing. You see, many writers have various different styles. You see, some are mostly descriptive and describe everything to the last detail, while some barely describe anything and just focus on conversation. And my style isin't like your style, but I may help... let's see.... how about using words that reflect sound? Creaking, howling, whispering? You see, those verbs add sound effects to your story. You have very good descriptions, and the sound will make it scarier.
Think of Stephen King. He knows how to scare and make people aleet in the story as they read. Why? A mixture of perfect descriptions and sound. It's easier to visualize this way. And even if this is not a horror story, the atmosphere in this part can really impress people.
But don't take my word for it. I am a sci-fi writer. I don't use descriptions execpt in the very important details and fight scenes, and i try to make every person act individually. If you want a better critic, look for dragontamer, a more similar style to yours but with more experience. (Dragontamer is over eighteen i think... I think he makes remarks to his age in another post...) And weather you have lots of experience or a total newbie to writing, talk to dragontamer.
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Posted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 12:17 am
Azal_Son of Anubis sincerely, you are good at your type of writing. You see, many writers have various different styles. You see, some are mostly descriptive and describe everything to the last detail, while some barely describe anything and just focus on conversation. And my style isin't like your style, but I may help... let's see.... how about using words that reflect sound? Creaking, howling, whispering? You see, those verbs add sound effects to your story. You have very good descriptions, and the sound will make it scarier. Think of Stephen King. He knows how to scare and make people aleet in the story as they read. Why? A mixture of perfect descriptions and sound. It's easier to visualize this way. And even if this is not a horror story, the atmosphere in this part can really impress people. But don't take my word for it. I am a sci-fi writer. I don't use descriptions execpt in the very important details and fight scenes, and i try to make every person act individually. If you want a better critic, look for dragontamer, a more similar style to yours but with more experience. (Dragontamer is over eighteen i think... I think he makes remarks to his age in another post...) And weather you have lots of experience or a total newbie to writing, talk to dragontamer. Thank you so much! This really helped a lot!
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Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 2:32 pm
Azal_Son of Anubis sincerely, you are good at your type of writing. You see, many writers have various different styles. You see, some are mostly descriptive and describe everything to the last detail, while some barely describe anything and just focus on conversation. And my style isin't like your style, but I may help... let's see.... how about using words that reflect sound? Creaking, howling, whispering? You see, those verbs add sound effects to your story. You have very good descriptions, and the sound will make it scarier. Think of Stephen King. He knows how to scare and make people aleet in the story as they read. Why? A mixture of perfect descriptions and sound. It's easier to visualize this way. And even if this is not a horror story, the atmosphere in this part can really impress people. But don't take my word for it. I am a sci-fi writer. I don't use descriptions execpt in the very important details and fight scenes, and i try to make every person act individually. If you want a better critic, look for dragontamer, a more similar style to yours but with more experience. (Dragontamer is over eighteen i think... I think he makes remarks to his age in another post...) And weather you have lots of experience or a total newbie to writing, talk to dragontamer. I agree - great story. Genrally my advice is that perhaps you shoud try and 'pad it out' a little. Lingeirng on certain details can up the tension. In action pieces - where you're fighting blow for blow- it benefits to wrte short and in a punchy way. But in tension pieces like this, the more detail the better, and like Azal says, try to use all your senses. Play to the reader's imagination of being there. And try and get into the head of a small child - she'll percieve the world a little differently (eg is she scare dof the dark? think about creeping shadows and such.) Also throwing in a 'red herring' can be helpful - eg 'what was that?!' oh it was just a branch or something lol You don't necessarily ahve to write a lot, just try to stretch and play with pauses and gaps to highten tension. visualise a scary film's tense exploration in your head. they do the same sort of thing. But yes, Azal hits the nail on the head with reccomending Steven King - he's a great author for horror/suspense. I especially reccomend 'dreamcatcher', although that's more on the horror end of it. Also try the book 'the woman in black' for general creepiness by Susan Hill. And Dean Koontz is great for suspense/thrillers too smile (And thanks for the reccomendation azal-haha I'm 19, btw ^_~ )
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Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 10:50 am
Very well done! I started to write a story similar to something like this one.
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