Feel free to ignore this thread.
Quote:
Improving Gaian Roleplays.
# 1
Summary:
A random roleplay post is chosen from Barton Town, analyzed, and improved.
Sample post:
General remark:
After a third reading, I'm still confused. I know that some seemingly intense action is happening, but I am constantly distracted by the run-on sentences and spelling. But I must say that there's some pretty complex interactions going on.
Here's all I managed to extract:
1. From this point of view, Codekin is the antagonist.
2. Riku, Damien, X, and Chris are protagonists.
3. Riku possess magical abilities that bestow protection upon others.
4. Riku's spell is all he can do.
The goal:
Obviously, we have to make things clearer first. After that, we want to make this action scene as intense and dramatic as possible--within reasonable limits, of course. We don't want to be Scene kids.
The approach:
1. Fix the grammar and spelling.
2. Use more paragraphs to separate actions.
3. Emphasize drama and intensity of the actions.
And thus, we begin.
1. Fixing the grammar and spelling.
I assume you have dictionaries and grammar books/people at hand. We'll rip this apart; yes, it'll be annoying, but necessary.
Spelling comes first, since that's easiest.
By the way, s/exampel/example is my format for fixing words.
s/(badspelling)/(goodspelling), just so you know.
s/smile, when/smile. When
s/wasnt/wasn't
s/Damien "you/Damien. "You
s/person"/person,"
s/kidish/child-like
s/codeking/Codekin
s/oprutunity/opportunity
s/iredecent/iridescent
s/bubble like/bubble-like
s/i/I
s/you..."/you,"
s/voice,/voice;
s/didnt/didn't
s/im/I'm
s/ok/okay?
s/wispered/whispered
s/shiel/shield
s/dont move/Don't move!
s/yelled/yelled,
s/entirly/entirely
Here is our result:
Looking good.
2. Use more paragraphs to separate actions.
Oops, I did that without explaining. Just know that within each paragraph lies a separate thought and feeling. Knowing what to put in each paragraph will be easy when you do it long enough; it'll become second nature.
3. Emphasize drama and intensity of the actions.
We have to understand what's going on before we can do this. Frankly, I don't get how the first paragraph flows into the second (hey, I just put it into paragraphs; I didn't write this). I don't know what he means by pissing off the head person. Ultimately, I feel that Riku is at first unsure about fighting against Codekin, but does so in the end.
So he protects X and Damien (I feel some yaoi coming on); we hear nothing about Lucy. And at the end, Chris does her own thing, unsure of what she's doing.
We should focus on Riku's indecisive nature and his choice. Here, I will write the first two paragraphs:
Riku's indecision is clearer. We see more of Riku protecting X and even some shiny special effects.
Now we fix the third and fourth paragraphs:
The last paragraph doesn't need fixing.
Final result:
# 1
Summary:
A random roleplay post is chosen from Barton Town, analyzed, and improved.
Sample post:
Quote:
Riku held onto Damien and gave him a slight smile, when he was told to help against Codekin he really wasnt sure what to do. He thought for a moment the looked back to Damien "You know you may not want to piss off the head person" he said with a kidish smile. When codeking tried to hit Lucy with the chain and shoot X with the gun Riku saw his oprutunity to help. He stuck out his free hand and an almost invisible but slightly iredecent bubble like barrier surrounded X "Sorry but all i can do is protect you..." he said in a somewhat silent voice, he didnt want to fight but knew that if he refused his life would be in possible danger. "The barrier which surrounded X should be able to defend against bullets...im going to put an even stronger one around us but keep that to yourself ok" he wispered to Damien. Around the two of them little specks of light appeared but what made these specks special was the web only Riku could see which fused them together in a very strong bond in order to make a powerful shiel around himself and Damien.
Chris pulled out her gun and pointed it at Codekin " dont move" she yelled not entirly sure what she was doing or what she should do.
Chris pulled out her gun and pointed it at Codekin " dont move" she yelled not entirly sure what she was doing or what she should do.
General remark:
After a third reading, I'm still confused. I know that some seemingly intense action is happening, but I am constantly distracted by the run-on sentences and spelling. But I must say that there's some pretty complex interactions going on.
Here's all I managed to extract:
1. From this point of view, Codekin is the antagonist.
2. Riku, Damien, X, and Chris are protagonists.
3. Riku possess magical abilities that bestow protection upon others.
4. Riku's spell is all he can do.
The goal:
Obviously, we have to make things clearer first. After that, we want to make this action scene as intense and dramatic as possible--within reasonable limits, of course. We don't want to be Scene kids.
The approach:
1. Fix the grammar and spelling.
2. Use more paragraphs to separate actions.
3. Emphasize drama and intensity of the actions.
And thus, we begin.
1. Fixing the grammar and spelling.
I assume you have dictionaries and grammar books/people at hand. We'll rip this apart; yes, it'll be annoying, but necessary.
Spelling comes first, since that's easiest.
By the way, s/exampel/example is my format for fixing words.
s/(badspelling)/(goodspelling), just so you know.
s/smile, when/smile. When
s/wasnt/wasn't
s/Damien "you/Damien. "You
s/person"/person,"
s/kidish/child-like
s/codeking/Codekin
s/oprutunity/opportunity
s/iredecent/iridescent
s/bubble like/bubble-like
s/i/I
s/you..."/you,"
s/voice,/voice;
s/didnt/didn't
s/im/I'm
s/ok/okay?
s/wispered/whispered
s/shiel/shield
s/dont move/Don't move!
s/yelled/yelled,
s/entirly/entirely
Here is our result:
Quote:
Riku held onto Damien and gave him a slight smile. When he was told to help against Codekin he really wasn't sure what to do. He thought for a moment the looked back to Damien. "You know you may not want to piss off the head person," he said with a child-like smile. When Codekin tried to hit Lucy with the chain and shoot X with the gun Riku saw his opportunity to help. He stuck out his free hand and an almost invisible but slightly iridescent bubble-like barrier surrounded X. "Sorry but all I can do is protect you," he said in a somewhat silent voice; he didn't want to fight but knew that if he refused his life would be in possible danger. "The barrier which surrounded X should be able to defend against bullets...I'm going to put an even stronger one around us but keep that to yourself okay?" he whispered to Damien. Around the two of them little specks of light appeared but what made these specks special was the web only Riku could see which fused them together in a very strong bond in order to make a powerful shield around himself and Damien.
Chris pulled out her gun and pointed it at Codekin. "Don't move!" she yelled, not entirely sure what she was doing or what she should do.
Chris pulled out her gun and pointed it at Codekin. "Don't move!" she yelled, not entirely sure what she was doing or what she should do.
Looking good.
2. Use more paragraphs to separate actions.
Quote:
Riku held onto Damien and gave him a slight smile. When he was told to help against Codekin he really wasn't sure what to do. He thought for a moment the looked back to Damien. "You know you may not want to piss off the head person," he said with a child-like smile.
When Codekin tried to hit Lucy with the chain and shoot X with the gun Riku saw his opportunity to help. He stuck out his free hand and an almost invisible but slightly iridescent bubble-like barrier surrounded X.
"Sorry but all I can do is protect you," he said in a somewhat silent voice; he didn't want to fight but knew that if he refused his life would be in possible danger. "The barrier which surrounded X should be able to defend against bullets...I'm going to put an even stronger one around us but keep that to yourself okay?" he whispered to Damien.
Around the two of them little specks of light appeared but what made these specks special was the web only Riku could see which fused them together in a very strong bond in order to make a powerful shield around himself and Damien.
Chris pulled out her gun and pointed it at Codekin. "Don't move!" she yelled, not entirely sure what she was doing or what she should do.
When Codekin tried to hit Lucy with the chain and shoot X with the gun Riku saw his opportunity to help. He stuck out his free hand and an almost invisible but slightly iridescent bubble-like barrier surrounded X.
"Sorry but all I can do is protect you," he said in a somewhat silent voice; he didn't want to fight but knew that if he refused his life would be in possible danger. "The barrier which surrounded X should be able to defend against bullets...I'm going to put an even stronger one around us but keep that to yourself okay?" he whispered to Damien.
Around the two of them little specks of light appeared but what made these specks special was the web only Riku could see which fused them together in a very strong bond in order to make a powerful shield around himself and Damien.
Chris pulled out her gun and pointed it at Codekin. "Don't move!" she yelled, not entirely sure what she was doing or what she should do.
Oops, I did that without explaining. Just know that within each paragraph lies a separate thought and feeling. Knowing what to put in each paragraph will be easy when you do it long enough; it'll become second nature.
3. Emphasize drama and intensity of the actions.
We have to understand what's going on before we can do this. Frankly, I don't get how the first paragraph flows into the second (hey, I just put it into paragraphs; I didn't write this). I don't know what he means by pissing off the head person. Ultimately, I feel that Riku is at first unsure about fighting against Codekin, but does so in the end.
So he protects X and Damien (I feel some yaoi coming on); we hear nothing about Lucy. And at the end, Chris does her own thing, unsure of what she's doing.
We should focus on Riku's indecisive nature and his choice. Here, I will write the first two paragraphs:
Quote:
As Riku was told to fight against Codekin, he stared. His eyes unfocused as he felt the birth of his internal arguments: fight, don't fight, fight, don't fight. His body froze. "How could a decision like this be so hard?" he thought.
A sudden motion brought Riku's vision into focus. There was Codekin smirking like a maniac and, seemingly in slow motion, he brought his arm back, ready to swing his chain; his other arm extended, pointing the gun toward X.
It clicked. Riku's arm automatically shot outward toward X; a bubble of light burst from his palm, expanding as it reached closer to X until it finally rested around him, shimmering slightly. It expanded and contracted continuously yet peacefully, acknowledging to X that his safety was assured.
"Sorry, but it's all I can do," he said in a subdued voice. He knew he had to fight; if he didn't, he'd be toast.
A sudden motion brought Riku's vision into focus. There was Codekin smirking like a maniac and, seemingly in slow motion, he brought his arm back, ready to swing his chain; his other arm extended, pointing the gun toward X.
It clicked. Riku's arm automatically shot outward toward X; a bubble of light burst from his palm, expanding as it reached closer to X until it finally rested around him, shimmering slightly. It expanded and contracted continuously yet peacefully, acknowledging to X that his safety was assured.
"Sorry, but it's all I can do," he said in a subdued voice. He knew he had to fight; if he didn't, he'd be toast.
Riku's indecision is clearer. We see more of Riku protecting X and even some shiny special effects.
Now we fix the third and fourth paragraphs:
Quote:
He turned to Damien and leaned close to his ear. "The barrier should block bullets," he whispered, "And I'll put another one around us. Ssssh." He nibbled on Damien's ear and winked before closing his eyes.
The atmosphere grew warmer. Riku scrunched up his face tighter as his concentration deepened. Drops of sweat emerged from his forehead and slid down to his chin. He began to breathe more deeply.
Suddenly, his eyes widened. He collapsed onto his knees and rolled onto his back, panting. He gazed upward at the invisible specks of light surrounding them, knowing fully that this was more than enough to keep them safe.
The atmosphere grew warmer. Riku scrunched up his face tighter as his concentration deepened. Drops of sweat emerged from his forehead and slid down to his chin. He began to breathe more deeply.
Suddenly, his eyes widened. He collapsed onto his knees and rolled onto his back, panting. He gazed upward at the invisible specks of light surrounding them, knowing fully that this was more than enough to keep them safe.
The last paragraph doesn't need fixing.
Final result:
Quote:
As Riku was told to fight against Codekin, he stared. His eyes unfocused as he felt the birth of his internal arguments: fight, don't fight, fight, don't fight. His body froze. "How could a decision like this be so hard?" he thought.
A sudden motion brought Riku's vision into focus. There was Codekin smirking like a maniac and, seemingly in slow motion, he brought his arm back, ready to swing his chain; his other arm extended, pointing the gun toward X.
It clicked. Riku's arm automatically shot outward toward X; a bubble of light burst from his palm, expanding as it reached closer to X until it finally rested around him, shimmering slightly. It expanded and contracted continuously yet peacefully, acknowledging to X that his safety was assured.
"Sorry, but it's all I can do," he said in a subdued voice. He knew he had to fight; if he didn't, he'd be toast.
He turned to Damien and leaned close to his ear. "The barrier should block bullets," he whispered, "And I'll put another one around us. Ssssh." He nibbled on Damien's ear and winked before closing his eyes.
The atmosphere grew warmer. Riku scrunched up his face tighter as his concentration deepened. Drops of sweat emerged from his forehead and slid down to his chin. He began to breathe more deeply.
Suddenly, his eyes widened. He collapsed onto his knees and rolled onto his back, panting. He gazed upward at the invisible specks of light surrounding them, knowing fully that this was more than enough to keep them safe.
Chris pulled out her gun and pointed it at Codekin. "Don't move!" she yelled, not entirely sure what she was doing or what she should do.
A sudden motion brought Riku's vision into focus. There was Codekin smirking like a maniac and, seemingly in slow motion, he brought his arm back, ready to swing his chain; his other arm extended, pointing the gun toward X.
It clicked. Riku's arm automatically shot outward toward X; a bubble of light burst from his palm, expanding as it reached closer to X until it finally rested around him, shimmering slightly. It expanded and contracted continuously yet peacefully, acknowledging to X that his safety was assured.
"Sorry, but it's all I can do," he said in a subdued voice. He knew he had to fight; if he didn't, he'd be toast.
He turned to Damien and leaned close to his ear. "The barrier should block bullets," he whispered, "And I'll put another one around us. Ssssh." He nibbled on Damien's ear and winked before closing his eyes.
The atmosphere grew warmer. Riku scrunched up his face tighter as his concentration deepened. Drops of sweat emerged from his forehead and slid down to his chin. He began to breathe more deeply.
Suddenly, his eyes widened. He collapsed onto his knees and rolled onto his back, panting. He gazed upward at the invisible specks of light surrounding them, knowing fully that this was more than enough to keep them safe.
Chris pulled out her gun and pointed it at Codekin. "Don't move!" she yelled, not entirely sure what she was doing or what she should do.
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