Okay, just before we begin there's two people involved in this:
Ivan - My BFF, I've known him for a year, we're really close. He reads my blog entries all the time, and he's been reading them since I started making them.
Bahadir - Guy I went loco for; IE guy I really liked. We're friends again, and kind of diggin' each other again. He's home for the summer so we've been talking a lot.
Bahadir joked about eating Ivan's soul when I mentioned him. Ivan mentioned just generally disliking Bahadir. When Bahadir joked about eating Ivan's soul again, I said (the worst thing EVERRR) "Man, I love it how you two hate each other, yet you've never met! XD" So of course Bahadir gets this mucho excelent idea: He wants to have a 3 way chat with Ivan!
Egad.
At first, I thought Ivan wouldn't agree to it. Ivan is really stubborn about stuff like that. But I convinced him to just talk for a couple of minutes. So they get into a chat, and it starts off with small talk, and then one way or another, Bahadir wants to know why Ivan dislikes him. "Because you hurt Kaylee" is what Ivan basically said. Bahadir basically said that he's not going to change himself for me to win me back and for me to get hurt again, and also I kind of put all the pain I went through on myself because he was busy (and I was aware of that) and he couldn't talk much. Bahadir wanted to know what Ivan knows just to 'make sure they're on the same page' but Ivan had to go.
I tried to explain Ivan to Bahadir for a second, but Bahadir suddenly became very untalkative; I think he was mad or busy. Maybe mad busy? Teehee. Well anyway, I had this bad knot in my stomach: Did Bahadir think I was talking s**t behind his back? He asked to see my blog once, but I told him no, but I already told him Ivan sees it, and that's where he's getting his judgement from. Right away I realized I needed to show Bahadir at the very least, all the things I've said about him over the past year in my blog.
So I did it, I stayed up from 1AM to 2AM putting part of it together, and finished it when I woke up earlier. I managed to catch Bahadir before he had to eat so I sent him a little notepad that explained myself, and had all the snippets that related to him in it. I've said some really mean things about him, not necessary talking s**t, but just.. Stupid s**t. I was angry, I was sad, I was upset with him, I was happy with him all sorts of emotions like that.. they're all in that little file; and I asked Bahadir to tell me how he's feeling after he read that in the little textie, but so far no message back, and I'm ******** anxious. I don't think I can sleep tonight until I get my answer.
My worst fear is that he'll like me less, or just flat out dislike me because of my emotions and thoughts that I've poured into an entry. Some of them aren't true, they're just what I was thinking at the time. I don't feel the same now that I did back then; I'm not who I once was. If he doesn't recognize that and takes everything I said to heart, I'm ********. I really like this guy, I've liked him for three freakin' years. Three or four, actually.. It's scary to think that it's possible that we can go from being really great friends to being.. not friends. I know I'm easily influenced, if we were to stop being friends by my move, he could easily win me back. I don't know if I can win him back. I don't know what will happen.
And that's ******** scary. I'm so restless today, I can't think straight, I'm tired, and I just want to talk to him so that I can sleep and get a few things done before bedtime.. -shrug-
I hope spaggetti monster is on my side, because I need all the luck and blessings that I can get right now..
