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Death Shikaku

PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 3:54 am


Please post comments! And it's a bit... long.
Quote:
Chapter one; The Beginning.

Several centuries into the future, in 3005, a young boy was born in Heaven. God's 5th real son, Tai Hyugamaru. God had sent Tai to earth as a baby, because Heaven was under attack by demons from Hell. Hades' wanted to destroy God and rule Heaven, but failed. Before Hade's died, in 3006 when Tai had turned one, Hades' wife had a baby. This baby was named Tanku Razorak, and was Hades' only son. God then got sick, with a terrible disease that Hades' had given him before he died. God was so sick, and could die. Billions of years, and now's the time. God had then commanded Tai to take the throne and become the new God when Tai turns 16. A big responsibility for such a young boy, but God could grant Tai powers.
Tai's sixteenth bithday came on July 10th, 3021. When he was walking home from his friend's house, a ray of light shined upon him. What the!? He thought. An angel then came down, it looked like Cupid, but it wasn't. It was Eros. "W- W- Who are you!?" He shouted. "Why, I am Eros. God sent me down to get you." "G- G- God!?" Tai looked up at Eros, confused. "Yes. God, now let's go shall we?" Eros shot a bow into the sky followed by a rope. "Grab on to the rope." Tai grabbed on then closed his eyes, afraid of what might happen next.
The rope glew gold as Tai grabbed it, just then the rope lifted him into the sky. Tai could now only see clouds, everywhere. "Clouds... Everywhere..." Eros smiled, then nodded. "You'll get used to it. This is your new home..." He pointed at a temple in the sky. "What about my parents at home?" Tai asked curiously. "Well..." Just then Eros was pushed. Aphrodite came. "Hello, hun." She looked at Eros. "Let me handle this, alright?" Tai blushed. "Who are you?" Aphrodite smiled. "Let Eros rest a bit. Ok, about your home on Earth, those aren't your real parents. Your father... Is... Erm... God..." Tai looked shocked. "WHAT!?!?!?" He jumped up and down. "Are you SERIOUS!?" Aphrodite then god pushed over a bit by Eros. "Yup." Eros said. "He wants you to rule Heaven and become the new God. You will have to take care of him and Heaven though, but in exchange, he'll give you his powers." Tai had a huge smile on his face. "Sure!!!" He started running through the cloud and into the temple. There was God, sitting there on his throne, coughing. He looked at Tai and smiled. "Hello Tai."

Chapter two; In God's Name.


"Y-y-yes sir?" Tai said nervously. "You are the new me. I will grant you my powers, and you must take care of Heaven. I will send another god with you and he will help you on your quest to overrule Hell." God held his hand out. "Put your hand in mine." Tai held his hand out then pushed his arm over to God's. Both hands glew so bright it made the clouds glow.
A bolt of lightning went through both hands, granting Tai his powers. "Thank you sir." Tai bowed. "But which God will assist me on my journey?" God smiled. "My best friend since before time. Thor, the god of lightning." God held out his hand and a streak of blue lightning hit the ground. In a black puff of smoke, there he was. Thor was sitting there, staring around. He looked at God and bowed. "Where is Anubis and Zues?" God asked. Thor looked nervous. "They're out fighting Cerberus.
"Athena?" God asked.
Thor replied, "With Isis and Durga."
"And Isis and Durga?"
"Helping Anubis and Zues."
God held up his hand and pointed toward Hell. "Tai, this is your first journey. In my name, I command you to go kill Cerberus!" Tai smiled, but looked sad. "Yes sir! But shouldn't I have trained some..." Thor smiled then rose his hammer. "Just concentrate in battle. That is key. Do not lose focus, or Cerberus might get you." Tai smiled then looked up. "And Tanku?" God and Thor both spoke. "He's not there, he's busy creating an army of the dead." Tai smiled. This was his first real mission, and chance to help God and use his abilities. "Now, go!" He commanded, just as Tai and Thor were heading down to Hell through a streak of thunder that Thor had created.

Chapter three; Anubis, Friend or Foe?!

Thor and Tai arrived at the battleground where the fight would have been.
There they were, lying on the ground. Athena, Isis, Durga, but no Zues or Anubis. "Where could they be?" Tai asked nervously. Thor ran over to the bodies. "They have no pulse, they're dead. Wherever Zues and Anubis is, I sure hope they're ok." Tai looked around when a bolt of lightning struck. Anubis came flying over to Thor. Just then, there he was. Zeus was standing above him. "You backstabbing-" Anubis struck Zues with his staff and chuckled. "You'll never get me!" Thor ran over to Zues, wanting to aid him in battle. "What's going on!?"
Zues looked angry. He looked over at Thor and said, "Anubis summoned a dead body of some sort and made it into a zombie. The zombie killed everyone but me, even Cerberus was killed." Anubis laughed. "Cerberus? Dead!? Ha!" He held up his staff and slammed it on the ground. Hundreds of zombies rose. Cerberus rose, even. Zues looked at both Tai and Thor, "I'll handle this." He said as he ran towards Cerberus. Thor looked at Tai. "Kill the zombies, I'll get Anubis!" He started heading toward Anubis when he turned back around. "Oh ya, God wanted me to give you this..." He pulled out a sword, about five feet long, and threw it to Tai. On the side of the blade, there were five symbols that meant 'Life, Death, God, Light, and Dark'. Tai grabbed the blade and held it up. "I've used a wooden sword in training, but never real!?" Thor laughed. "Then you're ok. Just use it like you use the wooden sword." He ran at Anubis again. Tai lifted the sword and ran toward the dead.
The letters started to glow bright yellow. Tai slashed several, until one ambushed him. Tai fell over and the sword flew about five feet from where he was. Just then, a zombie stepped on it and a beam of light shot up, cutting the zombie in half. A zombie then kicked it and got cut in half, and the beam of light shined where Tai was buried in zombies. All of the zombies were cut into pieces and blood was everywhere. "Gross!" Tai yelled as he got up and ran towards his sword to pick it up. Right when he grabbed the sword, a wrapped up foot stood on the sword. Tai looked over, seeing Zues and Thor lying there, dead, along with Cerberus, and looked up. Tai was so scared once he saw who it was. Anubis.

Chapter four; The battle of the dead!

Tai punched Anubis' foot swiftly and grabbed his sword. Anubis raised his staff and slammed it into the ground. "How dare you!" All of a sudden, a hand rose and grabbed Tai's feet. "Gah!" Tai yelped, as he tripped. "Now, for your demise." He smiled and pointed at Tai, chanting weird words from a different language. "앞으로 와 나의 죽는... 재위할것을 돕십시요 나가... 죽이십시요 이 아이를... 그리고 그의 일을 훔치십시요" Anubis chanted as he lowered his staff less and less. Tai looked confused. "I know that language... I know what he's chanting!" Tai struggled to get up and then cut the hand that were grabbing Tai's ankles off. Tai jumped forward, away from Anubis. "I know what you said! You said Come forth my dead...
Help me reign...
Kill this kid...
And steal his day!" He ran toward Anubis. "I won't let you reign! In God's name!" Tai swung his sword and a thump was heard. Tai smiled until he felt a quick pain in his chest. He looked down, and Anubis' staff was jabbed inside Tai's chest. "Ugh..." Tai swung his sword again, then Anubis grabbed it and threw it along with Tai. He flew about twenty feet back. Tai started to get up, when he was tackled by several zombies. "You're not worth it, kid." All Tai could see was black, and before he realized it, he was knocked out.

Chapter Five; God! I'm coming for you!!!

"Kid! Kid? You ok?" A voice was heard. Tai opened his eyes slowly when he saw a girl, about a year older than himself. "Who're you?" Tai said when he got up and brushed himself off. "I'm... Angela. You're guardian angel. I came down when I saw you were knocked out... Can I help you?" She smiled. Tai started walking as she flew by him. "Sure... We need to save god. Anubis was on his way to... Get rid of him." Angela stopped. "God? Then we must get there quick!" She grabbed Tai and flew high into the air, at a speed beyond any ordinary human's.
They arrived later at God's temple. "We're here," They both said. Tai looked up "How long was I out anyways?" Angela broke a sweat. "An hour... Or three..." Tai sighed. "He's probably gone by now... Oh well, let's hurry!" Tai ran in while Angela flew through the temple. "Help... Me... Please..." Angela look frightened as she flew over to the voice. An arm was sticking out of the pile of rocks and was moving, beckoning for them to come over. Angela looked up as Tai ran over and moved the rocks over. There was a hole in the roof and had mummy type wrap all over it. "Anubis has been here." Angela said. Tai got the character out of the rocks and saw who it was. Tai and Angela both looked at eachother then back at the figure. They both yelped and backed up a bit... "Who is that!?" Angela yelped.

Chapter six; The Figure of Hate.

Anubis. It was Anubis. He started to rise slowly, holding his arm. He was facing the way Tai and Angela were facing. Toward the east. "Tsk. God, god. God. You put up a pretty good fight..." He kicked the pile of rocks sitting there, and turned around. "You're back?" He smirked. Tai took a deep breath and sighed. Angela pulled out a bow of light. "Tai, I'll help!" Tai turned around. He nodded, then questioned; "Where'd you get that?" Angela pulled an arrow out of light from thin air and put it in the bow. "Hurry!" She yelped as she shot it, hoping to hit the enemy. Anubis laughed. "I pity you, Tai. You need an ally to help you!?" Tai ran toward Anubis with his sword out. "You've done it now!"
The fight was on. Anubis moved toward the right, dodging the arrow, but was stricken by Tais' blow. Angela shot another arrow, one-by-one, and every second a new one shot at Anubis. "I'll keep him busy! Find God!" She grabbed three and shot them. Two hit, one failed, and now both of Anubis' arms were injured. He held both arms up and slammed them into the ground. Anubis started to chant the same words as before, "앞으로 와 나의 죽는... 재위할것을 돕십시요 나가... 죽이십시요 이 아이를... 그리고 그의 일을 훔치십시요!" Tai bashed a rock with his sword and found God, lying there. "G... God!?" He picked the rock off and put down his sword. Tai picked up God as he started to turn to light. "What the...!?" God soon disappeared. "He's dead... HE'S DEAD!?" Tai picked up his sword and ran toward Anubis when a wall of skulls arose from Anubis' chant. Only Anubis and Angela were in it.

Chapter seven; The end... Of who?

After about ten minutes, the skull wall fell, and the skulls turned to dust. Tai looked around for Angela, and then ran toward her once he saw her. At first glance, Angela looked ok... but she wasn't. Her wings were torn up, her clothes cut up, and her halo was gone. "Angela?" Tai started to cry. Two people... He thought. Two people!? Tai ran toward Anubis, once again, then striked him in the back. The figure he striked wasn't Anubis, it was a zombie. All that time they were fighting a zombie summoned by Anubis. Or were they?
Tai looked around and held his sword high above his head. "Where are you coward!?" Anubis striked Tai in his back and then striked again, but in his chest. "I've had enough of this!" Tai threw up his sword, while bringing Anubis with him. "Ultra-Strike!" Tai yelled as he kept slashing and kicking Anubis in the air. Tai swung his sword down, causing Anubis to go down with it. Once Tai went down to grab his sword, he stamped on Anubis. Anubis didn't seem to have been breathing... Was he dead? Tai took a deep breath and held his sword high above Anubis' chest. Tai closed his eyes and stabbed Anubis. Blood was oozing out of his chest, and a little was also coming out of his mouth. Tai has done it. Tai killed the murderer of Thor, Angela, Zues, and even God.

Chapter 8; The End? It can't be!

Three years have passed since the demise of Anubis and God, Angela and Thor, and even Zues. Tai was pronounced the new God of Heaven a week after that dreadful day, and Tai was exhausted of all the work of being God. There was so much to do, so many people to save, but it was worth it. Tai was happy.
Every day he thought of his past, when he first came to Heaven. He looked around and glanced at all of the new faces around Heaven. His real dad, his real mother, and even one of his friends who has died of a car crash weeks before Tai was sent back to Heaven. "I can't believe it... Three years has passed and it feels like only a couple of monthes..." He looked around, and at least he was surrounded by the people he loved.


...:::The End:::...

[Heaven's Hell: Hades' turn.]
Chapter one; Tanku Razorak's turn.

"Ah!" The townspeople were running for their lives. The terror was beginning. Tai got up and looked down through the clouds. Another beast was destroying a town... on Earth!? Tai looked around. He grabbed his staff and pulled his son with him as they jumped through the clouds. They hastily ran through the forest behind the town, and they finally arrived... to late. "Son, check to the right. I'll check to the left." Tai's son, Kai, nodded and ran. With his fathers old sword God granted him three years back, he had a lot more power than he would imagine. Kai stopped and looked at the beast. It was the evil, the mighty, the demonic, Tanku Razorak! "Help me!" A person cried, when Kai saw the demon had him in his clutches. "I'm here to help!" Kai yelled. Tai heard Kai's yell and ran as fast as he could there.
"Kai! Where are-" He was interupted. By the demon. Tanku then screamed, "Where's my father!?" He didn't know, but Hades' was dead. Or was he? Tai walked up to the demon when he saw he had an innocent person and Kai in his hands. Kai was hitting the demon's arm with his sword, but it had no effect. "Flare!" Tai yelled as he pointed his staff to the demon. A fireball appeared at the end of the staff, and grew larger each second. All of a sudden, the flame was as big as Tai himself. He waved the staff to the left, then swung it to the right swiftly. The flame jumped off the staff and hit the demon. His clutch let go, causing Kai and the other person fall. Once he hit the ground, the man ran and Kai hurried over to Tai. "He's to big, dad. What can we do?" Tai pointed at his wings on his back. "Attack those first, so he can't escape..." Kai started running toward the demon's back and he jumped, and held his sword high. All of a sudden, a blue flame hit Kai. "Who's there!?" Kai fell, and was knocked out of the strangth of the flame. Tai looked from where the flame came from. It was the demon. Tanku started to turn a pinkish hue, then started to grow small.

Chapter two; Tanku is... Human!?

The small figure was indeed human. "What the...?" Tai ran over with Kai to the human. "H-h-help me..." The human muttered as Kai poked him. "Stop, Kai!" He said as Tai took the mortal's hand and pulled him up. "What happened?" Kai said quietly. "Well, before I turned into a demon... this man casted a spell on me... and he said his name was Hades. Isn't that the ruler of Hell or something? Anyway, he said I will always turn into a demon at midnight... unless I get killed. Please, kill me!" Tai looked around. No one was in sight. "Well, I can try to counter the spell to myself... I'll do anything to save someone in need." Tai pointed the staff at his heart, and chanted two magic words. "Creature exchange."
The demon's spirit was being pulled out of the man. The spirit flew around in the air until Tai grabbed it. "Dad!" It was in him. There's no turning back...
The next day, Tai sat down at a local cafe in the village. "Kai, what time is it?" Kai looked at a clock. "10 p.m." Tai had a worried look on his face. "Two hours left..." He took a sip of his coffee. "Here, see this?" Kai picked the book up. It was a small pocket-sized book. "Ya, what about it?" Tai smiled. "At 11:59, say this." Tai pointed to a word on the page. "Sca-" Don't say it now. The spell can only work once a day, and it lasts only a minute. Cast it too early, and It'll not work. Cast it too late, and the demon will probably kill you." kai took a deep breath. "Ok. And why was the demon saying 'dad' all the time?" Tai thought about it for a second and remembered. "Oh ya! How could I forget? Tanku Razorak is the demon, and Hades' is his father. I guess he was searching for his father." Kai smiled. "Oh... ok." Tai looked at the coffee and took another sip. "What time is it now?" Kai looked at the clock. "It's 11:30." Tai looked down. Only twenty-nine minutes until the spell and death of Tanku.

Chapter three; The spell... What was it again?

It was 11:59. "Dad! It's time! What page was the spell on!?" Tai looked agitated. "How can you lose the page!?" Kai flipped through the book when he found the page. "Ok, here it go-" Kai looked up. Tai was gone, and there was a giant hole in the wall. "Uh oh..."
Kai ran outside and looked around. There were destroyed buildings and plants everywhere. There was even a man who lay there, his leg bleeding. "Sir... have you seen a giant demon?" Kai asked, thinking about how stupid that question was to ask. "Yes... he went to the east... please help me young man..." Kai looked to the east. "Can I come back later?" The man smiled. "You're the hero?" The man laughed. "You look young!" Kai started wlking east. "Wait, hero?" He smiled. The man nodded. "The prophecy fortells a hero that will vanquish a demon... please take your time to destroy him!" Kai smiled, and pulled out some bandages.
"Sorry, sir, I'm not the hero. My father is." The man looked at Kai getting on his knees to bandage his wounds. "Really? Aren't you Tai?" Kai smiled. "No, sir, I'm Kai. His son. That demon you saw was Tai. Someone turned him to a demon... Hades turned him to a demon..." The man stood on his feet, wincing at the pain. "Thank you young man... and go save him!" Kai smirked. He was glad for someone to actually notice him. "You're welcome, and I will! Sorry about the alcohol, but it'll help heal faster. Bye!" Kai started running east when he saw the demon, holding a family of three.

I didn't make the size 9, just incase it'll be hard to see. Please comments, and tell your thoughts! If you want to read more, then go to my journal. That's the versionn where I edit it every day/week/etc.
PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 5:39 pm


Im sorry, but I really, didnt like it.

Where do I start...
First of all, I dont like the fact of Anubis evil. Anubis has alwys been a righteous god(execpt in yugioh the movie. and that was wrong) Check my name please. I really hated that

Killing of god???????? That really is a bad move. You see, although The holy trinity is said to pass on to thai, you cant really know the intensity of the battle. God's power is perfect purity. Anubis finished him offf? Sorry, even in fiction that is wrong. And then Tai killing him with an ataack that really isint very powerful? At least to me, not very good.

You see, this has a good concept but it really dosent deliver something really interesting. And if you dare to kill god(which is a risk so big, I applaude, yet i dont approve) Please, do it in a more interesting way., Add a couple of explosions, and the rip of existance, and it may be good.

Two, USe another god besides Anubis!!!!!!!! Im sorry, I got personal over that fact. How about trying a different god. Pleases, Anubis is to sweet and i like him to much to see that you made him evil go for hades. And make the ruler of hell like Baphomet, or the Beast, Or Baal, or Satan.

Writing, a tad to simple. Could you try like more eloquent diolougue? Its like the characters are robotic. Well, the ending chapters are the best part of the work. More interesting than the other half.

Look, Im giving my own opinion and I really dont want you to hate me for dissing your work but I need to say this. I hate being a negative critic. sweatdrop

Azal_Son of Anubis


dragontamer363
Crew

PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 3:18 pm


Azal_Son of Anubis
Im sorry, but I really, didnt like it.

Where do I start...
First of all, I dont like the fact of Anubis evil. Anubis has alwys been a righteous god(execpt in yugioh the movie. and that was wrong) Check my name please. I really hated that

Killing of god???????? That really is a bad move. You see, although The holy trinity is said to pass on to thai, you cant really know the intensity of the battle. God's power is perfect purity. Anubis finished him offf? Sorry, even in fiction that is wrong. And then Tai killing him with an ataack that really isint very powerful? At least to me, not very good.

You see, this has a good concept but it really dosent deliver something really interesting. And if you dare to kill god(which is a risk so big, I applaude, yet i dont approve) Please, do it in a more interesting way., Add a couple of explosions, and the rip of existance, and it may be good.

Two, USe another god besides Anubis!!!!!!!! Im sorry, I got personal over that fact. How about trying a different god. Pleases, Anubis is to sweet and i like him to much to see that you made him evil go for hades. And make the ruler of hell like Baphomet, or the Beast, Or Baal, or Satan.

Writing, a tad to simple. Could you try like more eloquent diolougue? Its like the characters are robotic. Well, the ending chapters are the best part of the work. More interesting than the other half.

Look, Im giving my own opinion and I really dont want you to hate me for dissing your work but I need to say this. I hate being a negative critic. sweatdrop



Hm the Anubis thing's personal opinion though - I for one like it. And the God detah thingw roks in many ways; for teh ancient Greeks gods could die and were forever being replaced and kileld off by other gods. I think mortal gods is a good angle.

plus God (as in jahovah/yaweh etc) doens't have to be immortal.


I really like the ideas and it's a cool story, but i have to agree with Azal here in that the writing is simplistic. I think if you padde dit out, sticking to the "show not tell" mantra it would really improve into awesomeness.

At the moment it's a little like a machine gun - sending out many bullets of action in quick, short sucession. The reuslt is that there isn't much room for character development amongst al the action, and the reader can be a little carried away and confused.
I think the key with action is that you have period of inaction - little rest-bites where characters can talk and recover, and the reader gets a sense of how they feel, you see? By slowing it down it makes it more understandable and engaging for the readers. It doens't need to become a snail-pace, but ocn eyou've gota first draft down it often pays to take time and try and craft these things in it.

Like when I was wirting the story I'm writing now. I did the basic story when I was 12 - and in many ways it was similar to this : lots of action and lots of cool ideas but (in my story at least) there wasn't much subtance.
When i walked away from it a bit and came back to it I started form scratch and took time to build the characters up more and describe things more. I ended up wirting twice as much as I did before - but I think it improved.

I'd say as a rule - when so much stuff si going on- you want to try for at least 1000 words a chapter smile


Also, while I know (esp when dinga bout dieties) you have to give teh reader a lot of information, it can be tempting to just list it. But a writing tip I've picked up form a zillion sources says 'show not tell' -- if possible give the information over a longer period. but fo course, if you take more itme between action you can easily do this without the reader getting swamped ^_~


ack I know I wrote for ages, and I dont' wnat to sound critical- because I did like it smile

Just thought i'd give you my two cents on how to improve it fi you wanted to sweatdrop
PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 6:28 pm


Ok, so the main thing is it's too fast-paced, right? Well, I'll start to change that. I already have made a chapter of them just talking about everything that's going on, and I am going to make sure my next story I make will be sort of, slow, yet fast paced like you said. I'll make sure to make the characters seem realistic, not just like robots. I'll describe their appearences, where they're at, how they fight/walk/run, etc. Thank you, and I'm glad you were actually being critics, unlike someone else that read it. He only read the first two chapters, though.

By the way, I'm thirteen. Fourteen in July 3nodding

Death Shikaku


Azal_Son of Anubis

PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 9:29 pm


I want you two hear me out. I know that some gods can be killed off. Hey Osiris is dead thanks to Set. But I want to say that you need to focus on the basis of " god'" Think as to all the deitys creayed in all myths. They all have a supreame god. And we all know that nothing was equal to the supreame gods. And I, as catholic, The true power and divinity knows no bounds. so IF you are gonna kill god please remember that in the rank Anubis is in Anubis would end up inside out.

Also, giving a creative twist to a famous deity isin't the same as completely changingtheir concept. Please stay true to the history of Anubis. He is a GOOD JACKAL HEADED DEITY. Loki could act good at times and Set was good at first, but dont make Anubis evil. PLEASE
PostPosted: Thu May 22, 2008 4:08 am


Azal_Son of Anubis
I want you two hear me out. I know that some gods can be killed off. Hey Osiris is dead thanks to Set. But I want to say that you need to focus on the basis of " god'" Think as to all the deitys creayed in all myths. They all have a supreame god. And we all know that nothing was equal to the supreame gods. And I, as catholic, The true power and divinity knows no bounds. so IF you are gonna kill god please remember that in the rank Anubis is in Anubis would end up inside out.

Also, giving a creative twist to a famous deity isin't the same as completely changingtheir concept. Please stay true to the history of Anubis. He is a GOOD JACKAL HEADED DEITY. Loki could act good at times and Set was good at first, but dont make Anubis evil. PLEASE

Well, sorry, but I'm keeping it. Like Dragontamer said, it's my opinion. I'm entitled to it. Sorrry, but that's the way it's going to go.

Death Shikaku


dragontamer363
Crew

PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2008 5:05 am


Death Shikaku
Ok, so the main thing is it's too fast-paced, right? Well, I'll start to change that. I already have made a chapter of them just talking about everything that's going on, and I am going to make sure my next story I make will be sort of, slow, yet fast paced like you said. I'll make sure to make the characters seem realistic, not just like robots. I'll describe their appearences, where they're at, how they fight/walk/run, etc. Thank you, and I'm glad you were actually being critics, unlike someone else that read it. He only read the first two chapters, though.

By the way, I'm thirteen. Fourteen in July 3nodding


You're welcome (and you wirte better tha n i did at your age-haha XD)

[eee that makes me feel oooold -haha i think I may have a nervous breakdown when I eventually turn 20 0o]
PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2008 7:17 am


dragontamer363
Death Shikaku
Ok, so the main thing is it's too fast-paced, right? Well, I'll start to change that. I already have made a chapter of them just talking about everything that's going on, and I am going to make sure my next story I make will be sort of, slow, yet fast paced like you said. I'll make sure to make the characters seem realistic, not just like robots. I'll describe their appearences, where they're at, how they fight/walk/run, etc. Thank you, and I'm glad you were actually being critics, unlike someone else that read it. He only read the first two chapters, though.

By the way, I'm thirteen. Fourteen in July 3nodding


You're welcome (and you wirte better tha n i did at your age-haha XD)

[eee that makes me feel oooold -haha i think I may have a nervous breakdown when I eventually turn 20 0o]

Aww, come on! 20 isn't old! Don't let yourself down DX

Death Shikaku


dragontamer363
Crew

PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2008 11:46 am


tee hee. I have til February ^^
maybe if I call mysef twen-teen it'll be better lol
Reply
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