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Short Trips: Scattered Memories

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XiTheta

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PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2008 11:20 am


This is posted on fanfiction.net here. There are two more chapters in a loose arc. I do suggest reading them if you enjoyed this...

Time’s Champion

Night was falling over the old stone bridge. The earlier rain still lingered on the worn blocks as the lights were lit in the toll house at one end and servants returned to their kitchens to prepare to serve dinner. All was quiet. A single carriage clattered unceremoniously across before disappearing into a courtyard.

The clouds had all but dissipated and the moon was shining when a couple emerged from a side street. The lady, a young, slim blonde, wore a very fashionably cut midnight blue dress and her hair was held high by a dozen pearl-ended pins, which matched the cluster around her neck. Her escort was a tall man, dressed casually in what closely resembled a brown suit, albeit devoid of tails and a hat. Instead he sported a long brown coat rarely seen in the city. A true bohemian in the heart of old Bohemia. They wandered out over the bridge and stopped between two of the many statues that stood along its length. They moved to look out over the quiet river flowing onwards.

~oOo~

“There you are, Rose. Europe…ish, and not too far away time wise either.” The gentleman seemed ever so slightly proud of himself. “As requested.”

“Okay then, Doctor,” the lady, Rose, replied. “Where… and when, are we?”

“Charles Bridge, Prague. About one century back from your present. 1907 to be precise.”

“And no visitors?” she questioned, turning her face up towards his.
The Doctor rested his forehead on hers.

“Well. Only us.” This last was so quiet that she could hardly hear it. “And if you follow me, I’ll show you something truly extraordinary.”

~oOo~

Taking her hand, they strolled over the remainder of the bridge, under the tall tollhouse and left both behind as they moved through the narrow streets.

Rose gazed at the towering buildings around them as they walked, noticing with interest that each door had a picture exquisitely carved on the stone above.
Curious, she asked the Doctor what they meant.

“Well, in this day and age only the wealthy can read and write, let alone count, so house numbers are pretty much useless. There is a long tradition of symbols in Europe”. They stopped outside a building marked with three violins. “That means that the first occupants were either three violinists or a violin maker. Or both. And look…” he pointed across the street “a lion rampant. That’s either a noble family, brave soldier, or some link to the crown.”

“Thanks I…” Rose stopped short as they rounded the corner into the square, and saw exactly what the Doctor had been so excited about.

~oOo~

A huge clock, at least three or four metres across. But not just any clock, with twelve numbers and two hands. This had twenty-four roman numerals and another twenty-four on a ring around the outside, all delicately clad in gold. It had another ring, gold leafed, about half the size and showing the zodiacal symbols. One hand was gold, with a pointing finger and a sun half-way down. The other was dark, only reaching level with the sun on the first. A half silvered sphere lay at the end of it, mirroring the moon above.

“It’s so beautiful!” Rose breathed, awestruck.

“It’s also so powerful” the Doctor said, not taking his eyes off the almost imperceptibly moving gold hand. “You know I was telling you the other day… about the Key to Time? That’s one of the segments…I thought you might like to see it. It’s also one of the few things that still remind me…”
He trailed off as his eyes started to well with tears.
“When I brought it here to hide it, I had hoped it would become something more inconspicuous, but it saw into my mind and became this. A scale replica of the Clock of Time, reconfigured for Earth.”

“I thought all clocks told the time…” Rose looked at him as they sat down in one of the covered walkways. “Oh, Doctor! Why are you crying?” She held his hand tightly. “What’s wrong?”

~oOo~

“The Clock of Time” he replied, haltingly, “was the clock that stood at the very centre of the Academy, back on Gallifrey, on the front of the temporality and sidereal science college. It was enormous, twice the size of this one. It had dials for every planet in the Kasterborous system and hands for both suns and each of the moons.
“On the original, where you see those words there” he pointed “Aurora ortus occasus crepusculum, it said ‘Whoso ever hears the chimes, rejoice, for the champion of time is chosen once again.’ in the old script.
“Graduation was held in the Great Quad, the garden that it faced onto. The degree students had finished and my friends and I had completed PhDs and were up next. I was the last one up for my certificate. But as I accepted it and received my regenerations from the council member in attendance the bells began to ring. I turned with the rest to see what happening and the world went out, pitch black. I woke up two weeks later in the infirmary with Aureliarientrelundar, Nurse Aurelia, watching me from a chair by the window.”

“Did you find out what happened?” Rose’s mind was reeling.
“According to Koschei – my room-mate – almost exactly the same thing as what happened to you, when you looked into the heart of the TARDIS.
“Golden light swirled out from the dials and into me. My eyes shone gold as yours did. Then it left and I collapsed. Koschei and my other friend - Drax - carried me to the infirmary.
“As soon as I recovered I returned to my dorm room and packed. Everyone else who was leaving that year had gone already, but I found Koschei in the canteen. He wanted to do an MA. He told me what happened while I ate and he accompanied me to the gates. That was seven hundred years ago. I was all right for a while, but by the time I was 500 I needed to get out. I couldn’t go out in the street sometimes because of the staring and whispering. I was on the verge of insanity when I borrowed the TARDIS and left. Four hundred years and eight regenerations later I met you.”

The Doctor, in floods of tears now, released Rose’s hand. She hugged him tightly and he buried his face in her hair.

“And you are the only person that knows.” He whispered through his tears. “Because it’s all gone. The Clock, the Academy, the City, everything…”

“Shh Doctor… Don’t cry. I’m here now.” Rose stood, gave him a handkerchief and took his hand again. “Let’s go back to the TARDIS before we freeze, Doctor.”

~oOo~

Indeed, it was colder now, and the wind had started to blow through the narrow streets. Together they walked quietly back to the TARDIS, in a lonely backstreet behind a coal hatch.

~oOo~

Once inside, Rose made her excuses and went to change, and the Doctor stood alone in the TARDIS control room. He quietly started crying again as they left Prague for places new. He thought about what he’d told her. It wasn’t the whole story. When the vortex had entered him back at the Academy, his world hadn’t just gone black. He had seen the planet’s future: overrun by Daleks and destroyed. His room-mate’s gradual transition from good to evil, and the true reason why he had to leave.

Two children, one dark, one fair-haired, playing in a TARDIS crèche, with a young, pretty human female watching them. One who had been touched by the vortex.

He had never answered when aliens asked why he loved Earth so much. The answer was private.

“I was waiting for her” he said to himself as he left the control room.

Moments later, a humming filled the room.

“I, know…”
PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2008 10:39 pm


Hmm...I do like this a lot, but do you mind if I critique?
a minor thing that would make a big difference would be to get rid of the "~oOo~"s between paragraphs. It breaks up the flow of the story and is confusing to me, because usually when I see a symbol like that it means a change in scene or perspective, but here it was used only to look purdy. It threw me for a loop, I can tell you!

anyways, on the the actual story.
I rather like the idea for this, and you execute it well, in the beginning. About halfway through the writing seems to loose a bit of steam. You stop going into in-depth detail and begin to tell, rather then show.
However, what bugs me most is not the writing, as, despite a slight drop, it stays mostly consistent all the way through. No, the thing that sticks out to me the most is the Doctor. He seems out of character just enough to be awkward. It first began with this line.
Quote:
...It’s also one of the few things that still remind me…”
He trailed off as his eyes started to well with tears.

He begins to get very emotional, which doesn't correspond with how he was acting only a moment ago. Even when the Doctor is telling Rose about Gallifrey in season two, he does not cry. He is sad that it is all gone, but the memories themselves are not sad. They are good memories, and what he is feeling does not earn the reaction of crying. A good word for the tone, I believe, is 'melancholy'

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind that he cries, but that there's no real build up to it expressed in the story. The crying at the end when he gets back to the Tardis fits, because the experience of remembering Gallifrey so vividly has been emotionally taxing, and now he needs to let it out. Otherwise, the Doctor does not cry easily, and it's not really something that should be used lightly with his character. It will have more effect if there's less of it, trust me.

The other thing that you could work on is the Doctors speech. You have a good idea on how it works, but there were a few places where it was a little off. Look for words that are contracted that he doesn't usually contract, and vice-versa. Also, look for words (like 'also' [heh.]) that he doesn't use on a regular bases. That's just a little thing though, and something that will improve with time.

Another thing, (Yes, another. I am just trying to help, Honest!) is the flow of the conversation. Most of it goes quite naturally, save a few words which could use rearranging (see the above paragraph) but there is one point which is Very out of character for the Doctor, and odd for the conversation.

Quote:
"...It’s also one of the few things that still remind me…”


There's that 'also' that I mentioned earlier. It doesn't fit the situation, and I think it's the main reasons this sentence sticks out.
The other reason it doesn't quite work is that it interrupts the flow of the conversation. It could work, but it needs a moment between "I thought you might like to see it" and the next bit. Conveying the 'beat' (as we call it in Theatre) would probably fix the flow problem. Something like "He paused for a moment before continuing, in a softer voice..." (That's a bad line, but feel free to use some form of it...)


Anyways, I like this alot. Please don't take any of this as an insult, I really just want to help you become a better writer. I know I point out a lot of things, but I don't mean any disrespect at all. Please continue writing! I'd love to see more of your work!

fourtysecondscarf

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The Land of Fiction [Fanfics]

 
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