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 Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 3:30 pm
I'm about to end my second semester at BYU-Idaho, aka "BYU-I Do". Being here, a person can't help but notice all the marriages and engagements that take place, as well as marriage being mentioned at nearly every devotional, and half of the classes you sit through.
Yesterday I was walking to one of my classes, and I hear this guy talking behind me. Now, this guy just happened to be serving his mission in my hometown when I left to come to Rexburg in September. He came here for this semester I believe mere weeks after being released. I hear him say in a casual tone to his friend, "Yeah, sure, I'd marry her."
That really bothered me. It seems like people just meet and get married, end of story. Do people really take marriage lightly? Do people marry just about anyone because they click and they figure it'll work for eternity? How about all these 18-year olds who get engaged? My sister knew her husband for 20 days when they got engaged. They just seem to belong together, but I cringe at the thought of that ever happening to me. It all seems so unromantic and unappealing to me.
I'm going home for the summer in a week. I'm about to turn 19, and I'm not looking right now. Is it wrong that I don't want one of those "Mormon marriages"? I doubt I'll get married in college, although I'm planning to stay at a BYU school for all of my undergrad years. What do I do? Is it possible that I'm bitter about the lack of dates/romantic encounters I've had in my life?
I'm not sure if I really made any sense, but can anybody help?
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Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 4:09 pm
As a student at BYU Provo, I know how you feel. Everybody seems to be getting married and engaged. I think the reason that people are so eager to get married is partially due to our mormon culture. Missionaries are encouraged to get married quickly and women feel pressured to get married because if they don't get married in college, they'll lose their chance forever.
For mormons, getting married is just what we DO. And we do it WELL. Our theology makes it impossible to receive eternal life without marriage. There's a lot of pressure coming from parents, leaders, teachers, and peers to tie the knot, and I'm not exactly sure whether or not that's the best way to go about it.
People need to learn to ignore the pressure and go at their own pace. Listen to what others have to say, but do what feels right for you in the end.
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Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 4:11 pm
I've got three different scenarios going on with women that I know. And only one of them is remotely close to what you describe. So no it's not wrong to not want what you call a "Mormon marriage." I think it's smart of you to wait. Some people just think differently than others.
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Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 4:17 pm
Better to go your own pace and be happy in the Eternities than to rush things without thinking and end up messing things up. biggrin
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Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 9:08 pm
I never feel any pressure to get married quickly. It seems that in both my mom's and dad's families the average age that men get married is 24, and it's just kinda expected that we take our time.
For Mormons there always been a lot of pressure to date, but don't mistake that for pressure to marry...marriage is not something you want to rush into.
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Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 6:15 pm
Maybe their comments were sort of a Mormon version of the "Yeah, I'd have sex with her" that you'd find anywhere else.
Since we practice chastity, I'd assume saying you would sleep with a woman while not married would be unacceptable, so what can you say?
"Yeah, I'd marry her."
Implying:
"Yeah, I'd have sex with her."
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Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 9:45 am
I think it really doesn't help that a lot of people see BYU as the "hapy hunting grounds." I've known people who send their kids off to BYU for the sole purpose of getting married. I'm probably considered an anamoly there. My roommates go on dates every weekend, and I've only been on a few dates since school started. Still, not everyone gets married at the same pace. I know my folks were engaged after dating for a very short time, but they were both 23. Still, if you meet the person you're destined to be with forever, why wait? I know I definitely don't want to get married soon, 3 or 4 years when I'm in the mid twenties would be better methinks.
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Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 10:32 am
Bottom line: get married when you're ready. Some people are ready sooner than others; some are ready later than others. Unfortunately, not everyone gets married for the right reason. All you can do is be careful and considerate of yourself and pray.
I was definitely pressured into dating and even though I was college-aged at the time, I really wish I had waited until I felt ready and interested. My decisions hurt someone because I just wasn't ready for a relationship. sad
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Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 6:17 pm
I'm not sure that I would consider a "Mormon Marriage" just rushing into marriage, if I'm understanding correctly that part, but I do understand most of what you mean.
Just recently, a friend I went to school with last year just got married. The most I can say about that, is she waited longer than some people I know.
I remember telling her at her bridal that I don't want to get married so soon out of school, that I want to go on a mission first, and her comment was to the point of, "Well, if you find the one you want to marry before then, are you sure you can wait that long?"
What some of the others have said, if it's the right time, I'm sure you'll know.
But if you really don't want to get married so soon, have you considered going on a mission? Setting that as a goal may help giving time before you marry.
And that's my thought on this, sorry if it's not all too helpful.
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Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 11:56 am
I have five sisters, all older. Only one of them's married. She was in community college and was actively looking. She got what she wanted and is happy. The others all have their degrees, don't care either way but wouldn't mind some romance, adn all of them still feel acomplished if not happy. Rushing things is only for certain people. If you want to get married there, look and ye shall find. Don't look and it's highly unlikely to hit you. And if someone you don't really know says that again, turn to them and ask why. If they don't have a good answer, then tell them to grow up. Marriages go sour quickly if neither person knows why they got married.
Just be glad you aren't up there for your MRS. ANd slug anyone that says you are.
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Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 9:44 pm
my sis is having the same problem. The kids in my H.S. are doing the same w/ sex. the sad part is one of those people is a member of the church.
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Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 7:35 am
I'm not going to say it's a good thing, rushing into marriage.. My parents (from what I understand) did.. and it didn't end well.. But sometimes I feel that I did, though I know I didn't (I dated my husband for 7 months..)
Everyone goes at their own pace. But it's just when people come to realize WHAT they committed to, is where it goes wrong. Things aren't always perfect.. ("Well, I didn't know THIS was going to happen. I'm not willing to stick with it now that I know..")
Advice for the current daters: TALK. Talk everything out. If you see yourself in a relationship with this special someone, start talking about what you want for your future. Talk about finances. Talk about family. Make sure you know all you can about who you're looking to spend an eternity with.
I know for a fact that this works, because it's kept me sane for a year. 3nodding
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Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 9:01 am
I am no veteran when it comes to marraige, and certainly not the rushing into marriage. However, I can tell you, that even though I dated Angel for 2 years before my mission, and 2 months when I came home, then was engaged to her for nearly 10 months - We are still constantly learning about each other.
I think that those who rush into marriage, for the sake of marriage, and not for love (as opposed to infatuation) are in for a rough ride. I would not encourage rushing, as you hardly know the person you are going to spend eternity with. I think that many of the divorces that occur in the church can be traced back to a short term relationship prior to the marraige. The others can be traced to abusive individuals who slowly got worse through their marraige.
President Hinckley said that any man and woman living the gospel can be happy together. (paraphrasing, if anyone has the direct quote, please post it. I have to get to my next class)
Do not rush yourself, but if you meet someone who will make you happy for eternity, do not eliminate the possibility. My brother is getting married in a month, he met his fiancee at my wedding reception. It is one of the few times in my life that I have 100% approved of a short engagement. Partially because I know that my brother is loyal to the grave, and that he will work through every problem, so long as his wife is willing. But also because I knew his fiancee beforehand, and I already trust her.
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Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 11:29 pm
I'm not feeling (very) pressured to get married before I'm 21, I mean, besides the occasional "Oh, you'll never last that long!" from some random person from my stake. But now that I'm old enough that some of my peers are getting married, it bothers me how young and sudden it can all be.
Which is weird, because of my sister's story. Her boyfriend of several months, who we all thought might propose at some time, ended their relationship. Then, out of the blue, my mom gets an email saying she would probably be getting married in December. She knew the guy for 20 days. They got married 4 or 5 months later. But seeing the two of them together you'd never imagine them apart. They are so perfect for each other.
I just turned 19, and already it's looking like I'll be the old maid of my YSA group. 3 marriages/engagements from girls I went to girls' camp with. It's so weird to me to see the newly-engaged Erica hold hands and snuggle with her guy. (I don't even know his name!) 19 is so young, and eternity is so long! I've never been one of those people to say, "I have this huge life to live before I could get married!", but people doing it at my age and so quickly shocks me, for some reason.
Maybe I'm just trying to get over the fact that I'm at the same age as people who are getting married. I don't know why I'm so bothered by all of this. I think part of me is afraid that when it happens to me it will be like, "Oh yeah, getting married is just another part of life. This guy will work for me as well as any other guy, I guess. Sounds good to me." and it won't be, I don't know, magical like I'd always hoped/expected it to be, up until recently. When it happens so young and so quickly, is it really everything it could be? I guess that's my big concern.
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Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 11:43 am
I understand where you are coming from...I guess sometimes people meet the right one quickly and they know it's right, and it is wonderful and magical and lasts forever...but sometimes people do rush into it too quickly for whatever reason. I think that if you take your time you'll be fine. smile If a guy does come into your life and pops the question, I would just pray about it, and if the Lord tells you it's right, I think it will be everything wonderful you expect it to be and more. 3nodding smile
It's pretty shocking to see people getting married so young, and so quickly, I agree...especially when they haven't been dating the person for very long.
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