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 Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 4:24 pm
For those of you who do not know of her: Quote: Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated column in the world -- known for its uncommon common sense and youthful perspective. I have noticed during the few times I have ever read the "Dear Abby" column, that said advice-giver seems to have think that any relationship without sex is disfunctional. Take for example, today's column. Quote: DEAR ABBY: "Jeff" and I have been married nine years. Before that, we lived together for four years. We have 13 years invested in this relationship. He is 42; I am 38. Jeff is a good person. He doesn't lie, cheat, drink, abuse me or gamble. So what's my problem? The sex was great in the beginning of our marriage, but in the last six or seven years there has been nothing. Zilch! Jeff has no sex drive at all. Jeff says, "Sex isn't everything." When I suggested seeing a doctor, he flatly refused. When I suggested counseling, all he said was, "No way!" Abby, I have begged, pleaded, cried, yelled, screamed and slept on the couch. All to no avail. Am I oversexed? His refusal to get help is really getting me down. Have you any ideas? -- FRUSTRATED IN PHOENIX
DEAR FRUSTRATED: You are not oversexed. Your husband has a problem. However, unless he is willing to admit it and agree to do something about it, there is nothing that you, I or anyone else can do about it. Therefore, I suggest counseling -- for YOU. It will help you objectively to evaluate whether or not you can accept living in a sexless marriage. I would like to know your takes on this, should the Dear Abby columnist have attempted to look at the situation from the man's perspective, or perhaps have instead suggested the the woman insist upon couple's counciling, or was she right in telling the woman to get "help" by herself?
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Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 7:57 pm
Well... I disagree with the idea that the husband has a problem that needs to be forcibly corrected.
I also disagree with a lot of her wording. However, getting through the junk and the negative attitude, she does make two very strong points that I think may will overlook.
1. Only the husband can decide to do something about his lack of sex drive. No one can make him if he doesn't want to.
2. If being in a sexless marriage is a problem for the wife, she needs to look at herself as well. If he's fine, and she's not, then it's her that needs to consider a change for herself... not a change for her husband.
So, in all, I have mixed reactions about the article. I don't like the attitude behind it, but some helpful and rational advice is hidden in there.
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Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 10:01 pm
Ummy So, in all, I have mixed reactions about the article. I don't like the attitude behind it, but some helpful and rational advice is hidden in there. Yeah, I felt the same way when I read it. The writer has a point, but I don't like how she put it, and the wife should try to understand her husband, but not at her own expense.
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Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 10:21 pm
I can't believe that I overlooked the two points that Ummy pointed out.
The main thing that stuck out, for me, was the equation "No sex equals problem." I know that this is not necessarily true, but that assumption bothered me.
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Posted: Sun Aug 28, 2005 8:19 am
I think Dear Abby needs to piss off mad . There's no problem. Society has become so sex driven that if someone doesn't want sex, they're weird and need counseling. It's disgusting.
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Posted: Sun Aug 28, 2005 10:59 pm
I read an Annie's MailBox (because Dear Ann, Abby's sister, died) about the same principle. I don't remember the details, just that, while reading it, it seemed more as though the man was asexual than anything else. I felt compelled to write to Annie's Mailbox or discuss it here, but I didn't feel like typing out the whole letter and answer down here. Because I'm lazy.
Really, we shouldn't be angry. We should just use this as motivation to increase asexual awareness, so that, in the future, people will see others that aren't interested in sex as having a virial disease, having an affair, or of another sexuality (it seems to be a fact that, if a man isn't interested in women, that he's gay, for example).
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TheBrideInBlack Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2005 7:40 pm
The poor man. I agree with Inkou. There's nothing we can really do about this issue, unless we keep on making Asexuality more and more visible in the world. A lot of asexuals don't know what they are getting into, when they get married. Partners who are sexual, expect sex from their partner, because they can't get it anywhere else obviously. Without sex, partners who are sexual will look for other outlets. This can ruin marriages. This is a reason why I never really liked marriage in the first place...
Asexuals, once they know who they are, will be able to interpret their feelings and make better decisions. Right now, a lot of them just don't know that marriage to a sexual could spell their doom in the future. However, it's not always bad. Some partners are understanding enough. That should also be supported, I think. The other side of the relationship. We should have more sexuals in this guild, I suppose, so that asexuals and sexuals can understand each other better. Because the barrier is the problem - the biggest of them all.
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Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2005 1:58 pm
The Chronicler I think Dear Abby needs to piss off mad . There's no problem. Society has become so sex driven that if someone doesn't want sex, they're weird and need counseling. It's disgusting. I can agree with you. People who say "You don't have sex, your a freak and need counsiling" Can just die. If people think not having sex is a big problem, then I think that they are just Well in my oppinion, man or girl, whores. Its just dumb ans senseless to the point of retardation.
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Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 4:36 pm
I remember a conversation in AVEN regarding our sex-filled society.
Have you noticed that before, back when the computer didn't exist, sex was such a taboo subject? People didn't speak (openly) about what colored condoms they used (if they even existed) or about any other intimate details of their sex life. But fast forward to today, and you have sex everywhere. Why is that?
Religion and technology have been some of the proposed causes for the disparity. Theocracy ruled then, and moral laws forbade such conspicuous topics. People now enjoy the freedom to speak whatever is on their minds.
You guys should join AVEN if you haven't already. It's a literate board, more so than any other forum or message board I have visited. (That raises the implication that asexuals are smarter than sexuals because they don't engage in as much rudimentary sex or something...but that's something else. I digress.)
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Posted: Sat Nov 26, 2005 5:23 pm
*Abby* needs to either
1) ******** off
or
2) learn to look at things from both people's point of view before giving advice.
I never liked that column, everything she says is one-sided made only to please the person writing for advice. It's just so stupid.
Yes AVEN is a great place to go, I havent been there in awhile, but It's great there.
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