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 Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 8:27 am
uh i was just supposed to go today to my friend's 18'th birthday
but i came home looked in the mirror
and said to myself you are ******** fat and ugly and you'll not go nowhere
now i'm here,depressed and alone
i hate that,i can go easily from extra-happiness to mega-sadness in short time and that isn't helpful in life
i still hate myself and can't look at myself
as many of you probably know i suffered on ed
i think i still do
okay,i do eat,i'm no longer starving myself
but sometimes i'm throwing food away from myself if you know what I mean
four years of that ruined my health i often feel ill and i'm anemic too
it like,influenced all my life
some stupid decisions
i took drugs to lose weight faster too
my heart hurts sometimes
i feel bad
i feel i need help
even if i quitted that,it still is in me
i'm afraid it will never leave me.
......sorry for such an pathetic post
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Posted: Sun Mar 09, 2008 8:35 am
Your not fat and your not ugly. You have posted so many pictures of yourself and you are beautifull! It shouldnt matter if you are fat or ugly anyways. My friends and family love me for who I am. I come from a family that after having thier first child, they balloon up. I dont care that most of my family is obese, I love them for the fun people that they are.
Look, sometimes we look at ourselves and we see something that we dont want to see. But you know what? That doesnt matter. We are who we are and we cant change that.
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Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 2:57 pm
I know how you feel. I'll be really happy and be able to accept it one moment then look again an hour later and really hate what I see. It sucks.
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Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 1:23 am
I'm going to address your post backwards, if that's okay! =o
Save the selfpity crap, things seem to be going bad enough without it. lol
By 'quitted that' do you mean by quitting the drugs? There are certain drugs that will never leave your system in a life time. I believe that's acid (for certain) and possibly shrooms. As for the rest, pretty much my whole family is made up of druggies. A couple of weeks off pretty much anything else and they're good to go. It'll clear out of your system.
I think we all do desperate things from time to time, in regaurds to our weight. You think I haven't done my share of trying to puke in a toilet? That actually never worked, because I was too disgusted to throw up, but I did used to starve myself, sometimes for more than one day at a time. And I'd be so proud of the weightloss, until I looked in the mirror and saw that my beautiful lips were all cracked and thin.
I know that this will sound stupid, but, you just sort of have to roll with it. You made a mistake, but it's a fixable one. Just stop. It's as simple as that. Go on hating your looks if you must, but you can stop the starvation/ food throwing (don't know if you've gone back to it, heh), and stop the drugs as well. I learned a while ago, that if I applied the energy that I used to hate on and torture myself to other things, that I could get a lot done. (Although, I just could never lose enough weight to be healthy, so here I am desperately getting a surgery lol).
Even if you have to make up the most mean and hateful tauntras (spelling?), say them in your head as you walk or something. You don't have to be fast to walk, it's the best exercise for the heart you can do, and it's easy, and can be done just about anywhere. Just bring mace. lol
I am sorry to hear that you're that upset with yourself, though. It takes a lot of time to build up love for oneself. I realized only just the other day that, even though I really did love myself on the outside, I was still keeping parts of my head and heart in chains. ...But I suppose that's another topic n_n
I hope things get better for you.
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