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Things you need to know to have this make since...
Nicks my boyfriend.
He lived with me for a little over 5 or so months.
My moms a b***h, that smokes weed, drinks and who knows what else.
People don't spend a lot on me.


Like Nick got kicked out again, his mom said he stole money from her. Nick says his aunt gave it to him, (his g-father just died, like pity money). And like thats how I got the PSP and everything.

Well, his mom like calls me, and I wasn't gonna answer but I spaced thinking it was him, and like she talks to my g-ma and mom, and everything and my mom tells her that Money went missing when he was here. And she had no right in my mind to say anything of the sort. So... I called her a c**t, and told her to smoke more crack cause I know she does itand so on and so forth. She asked me why I hated her, I told her I have for a while, you've just been to drunk to remember or something like that.

Well, after that, Nicks mom calls again, saying shes taking the PSP back and getting her money back, and by now I'm ready to burst into tears, but I keep it together, get everything together in a bag and tell my g-ma that when they come, give them the bag.

And I go upstairs and like cry and cry.

And all the while I don't know what to do, or believe or anything. Like my head tells me the evidence points against Nick like hard core, but I don't want to believe that. I don't want to believe he'd like to me like that. Its just so god damn hard, and I pretend its all right and all but its not, im dying here ive thought about pills I could take, and I know its stupid but I was upset, okay? Gimme a break. But even places I could go, things, anything I could do to just stop hurting. And I just don't know, theres so many things tieing me here, not to mension school. I just, I just want to go away, make my mind straight, figure out who I am again.

Cause I don't know who I am anymore, Like I'm Ayla Renee Williams, But I don't know WHO I am or how i should act, and im realizing a bunch of my EX friends were talking s**t behind my back And its just, UGH.

I just want to lock myself in my room and not do anything anymore. But then I think, and my thoughts get the better of me, and make me worry and scared and sad and angry.

Ohh.
<3
That means a lot to me.
Really it does and thank you so much.
I still don't know what happened.
And guess what?
My moms missing more money.
And Nick, hasn't been around at all really.
Only for like 20-30 minutes last night,
and we stayed in the living room.
Guess my so called mother was wrong.
I laugh at her.

Its all such bullshit.
They won't get off my back about s**t too.
They've been yelling and drinking so much.
I can't take it.
Nick came over and like was there for maybe 5 minutes and asked me,
"Has it been like this since you got home?"
I said yes and he just hugged me so tight.
Their always yelling, asking me stupid questions, not listening, bitching and moaning and UGH.

People say I'm strong, but honestly, sometimes I don't see it.
If I was strong, I'd actually be able to deal with this s**t.
I unno.
I wish I could take you away from your problems too thou.
Cause even if there not like me.
Their still problems, and there bad.

And... yeah.
<3

...
My mom flat out told me.
She thinks I'm stealing her money.
And pot.
To like, give it to Nick cause hes homeless.
...
I'm not.

Then she went on how I blow through my money,
and seriously, most of it goes towards food.
M: And shes like eat here!
V: I don't like eating at home.
V: You know I've had a eating problem since like 7th/8th grade.
M: I thought we decided you really didn't have one.
V: Well I do.
something something.
M: Your FAT!
....

V: That was really rude... I can't believe you'd say that...
-cries-

And thats how it went down today...
My weights a REALLY touchy subject for me,
cause I constantly think about it.
Like, ugh.
If you wanna know more just PM or something.



-sigh-