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 Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 10:04 am
This is an interesting story I stumbled across, and wanted to know what people think. http://womansday.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=225136Quote: My career has always been my first love, but when I was 31 I agreed to marry a lovely man that I had been seeing for several years. Sam was really keen to have children straight away but I was focussed on my job and doing really well so I managed to convince him to wait a few years. He kept bringing up the topic and, although I was still not interested, I eventually agreed to start trying for a family. I started taking folic acid and calcium and stopped drinking alcohol. But secretly I kept taking the pill. I felt terrible but I knew that if I got pregnant now I would lose my job, I figured this was the best way to keep everyone happy. Besides, by this time I was still only 34 and figured that I still had plenty of time to have children later, when I had achieved what I wanted at work. Sam was so excited, he started buying little present for our 'baby' and spent time researching the best cots, car seats and carriers. I felt bad but I'd just been promoted again and was able to throw myself into work and forget about my lie. Each month when I got my period Sam was so sad, and I had to pretend to be too. He'd cook me special meals full of baby-making vitamins and burn oils that supposedly promoted fertility. After a year of "unsuccessful attempts" Sam suggested seeing a fertility specialist. I put it off as long as I could but eventually I had to agree to go along. I felt sick sitting in a waiting room surrounding by hopeful looking couples waiting nervously. I had to lie to the doctor and undergo a series of tests. When I couldn't take it anymore I broke down and cried to Sam that all the testing was too intrusive and made me feel like a failure. I was consumed by guilt. As always, Sam was so wonderful and supportive, I hated lying to him. By this time Sam has spent loads of money on all kinds of "natural treatments" and with the stress of it all, along with me working longer and longer hours at work, we began to fight. Sam resented me spending so much time at work and putting extra stress on my body. Gradually we stopped fighting and gave up on the idea of a baby of our own. Today I am 46 and have pretty much missed out on my chance to have children. It hurts me to watch the sad look on Sam's face when he plays with our friends' children. And it hurts me even more to watch the sympathetic look that my poor childless husband gives me; misinterpreting my guilt for the pain of being unable to give him what he wanted. No job is that important. If only I'd realised this 10 years ago. Keeping in mind that this is only her account and there's no way to get the husband's side or the company's side, what do you think?
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Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 10:07 am
Since I know plenty of strong women that have had both children and a career, I wonder why she felt that she couldn't do both. Did her company just not allow pregnant women or mothers to work there? Did she simply feel that she wouldn't have time to do both?
I don't understand why she lied to her husband. I wouldn't do that (but, then, both my husband and I want children in a few years).
They should adopt. *grin*
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Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 3:57 pm
She should have been honest. From what I took it was that she just didn't think she had time.
I know she's may a old to have kids but she could still have kids. There are poeple who have kids in there fourties. They could also adopt.
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Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 12:21 am
This kind of makes me think about when someone in the abortion debate thread said that allowing sterilization to be easier to get wouldn't work because not all women would want to get sterilized because they might want kids later in life.
I believe that things happen for a reason and that abortion takes the 'fate' aspect of life away from situations sometimes. Abortion disrupts the natural way of things in a manner that is... unwholesome, in a way.
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Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 12:43 am
I don't think she should of lied to her husband, part of being in a relationship is based on trust.
And being that obsessed with work can't be good for your health or relation and if she really wanted to, she could probably balance working and raising children.
Either way it was her choice not to have kids but shouldn't of told him that (that way she wouldn't have felt so guilty).
Not everyone wants kids but things like that should be brought up before hand to save both of them from problems in the future.
But yes adoption would be a good idea. She seems to want to have a child now, and her husband always wanted one and there are so many children that need a good home and family.
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Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 1:05 am
I'm pretty much echoing some sentiments here.
First, I want to know what the company was like that she felt she had to choose to this extent, if work was truly her only reason. It just highlights a disturbing trend in society to me, that women feel THAT pressured.
Second, If they didn't talk about kids before marriage, they should have. If she said, "I don't want kids, I want to focus on my career," and he wanted kids that badly, he shouldn't have married her. If she knew then that she didn't want kids but said, "Yes, I want kids," she shouldn't have said it. But there's no real way to know how this part went.
No matter what, I don't think she should have lied. It disturbs me that she felt the need to deceive him, and continues to deceive him. Why put him through the false hope? If he would leave her over it, was he really right for her? And if he supported her, there was no need to go through the ordeal.
All in all, it just sort of breaks my heart that people are put into the position where they feel pressured to risk their relationships and deceive the people they love most in order to achieve their dreams. There's a lot of social change that needs to happen.
I really agree with what others have said. If they want children now, adoption is a wonderful option. But...I should hope they'd work out some communication issues before bringing a child into the picture. Adopting for the sake of fulfilling the parenting urge is a bad idea if you're not ready to face the realities of raising a child.
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Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 6:24 am
lymelady I really agree with what others have said. If they want children now, adoption is a wonderful option. But...I should hope they'd work out some communication issues before bringing a child into the picture. Adopting for the sake of fulfilling the parenting urge is a bad idea if you're not ready to face the realities of raising a child. Wonderful point! I hope that this couple eventually learns to have a healthy relationship, and maybe adopts a child who needs a loving home.
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Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 3:14 am
She's such an idiot. You're supposed to figure out your goals and what you want from life BEFORE you marry someone, AND discuss it with them. I'm only 19 and even I know that!
Amend: she's an idiot AND a b***h, but I pretty much agree with what everyone else has said. I've always thought that companies should do MORE to help working mothers, not push them one way or the others.
And I don't think they should adopt - not because adoption isn't a wonderful thing, but because there is a lie between them. I mean, if I was the husband and I found out, I'd divorce her. She will always feel incredibly guilty and I don't think that's the right environment for a child.
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Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 2:52 pm
Doesn't she know that she could have both? Child and job? If the job won't let her have a child, is it really worth having the job?
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Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 1:36 pm
Dudegirl Doesn't she know that she could have both? Child and job? If the job won't let her have a child, is it really worth having the job? Seriously! I am looking to get into Medical Transcription, which is something that I will be able to do from home once we start spawning. Because I want to be able to help support my family, and to have time for my child(ren) too.
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Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 6:31 pm
WatersMoon110 Seriously! I am looking to get into Medical Transcription, which is something that I will be able to do from home once we start spawning. Because I want to be able to help support my family, and to have time for my child(ren) too. My aunt does that, and it seems like a pretty sweet job; you make quite a lot working from home.
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Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 6:33 pm
Fran Salaska She's such an idiot. You're supposed to figure out your goals and what you want from life BEFORE you marry someone, AND discuss it with them. I'm only 19 and even I know that! I mean, if she changed her mind, that's one thing, but she still should have been honest. That's a pretty big freaking lie. ...and didn't I see this on Desperate Housewives? xp
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Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 12:30 am
This really saddens me. =[
I feel really bad for her husband because he was lied to. But I also feel bad for the woman because she was telling herself that having children would ruin her career, and she didn't find out until it was too late that she truly wanted children.
I think feminists should focus on a pregnant woman's right to keep her career and for people to take her seriously if this is still the case! Instead, a lot of them are focusing on keeping the right to abort legal.
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Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 3:22 am
Undiscovered Artist I think feminists should focus on a pregnant woman's right to keep her career and for people to take her seriously if this is still the case! Instead, a lot of them are focusing on keeping the right to abort legal. I think it is possible to focus on more than one issue at once. Personally, I know of one person, who worked retail, that had issues with her boss when she got pregnant. Thankfully the father helped her support their daughter (and her mother, the grandmother, is helping babysit). But I also know of many women in all sorts of careers that have gotten pregnant and not lost their job. This woman doesn't really state if her job told her she couldn't get pregnant, or if she just felt like she couldn't be pregnant and do her job, or why exactly she felt that she couldn't have her career and be a mother. I don't think that pregnancy keeps one from doing almost any job (except heavy lifting during the later bit of pregnancy). I don't think that companies should ever discriminate against pregnant women or working mothers. And it really, really sucks that anyone does!
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Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 2:18 pm
WatersMoon110 Undiscovered Artist I think feminists should focus on a pregnant woman's right to keep her career and for people to take her seriously if this is still the case! Instead, a lot of them are focusing on keeping the right to abort legal. I think it is possible to focus on more than one issue at once. Personally, I know of one person, who worked retail, that had issues with her boss when she got pregnant. Thankfully the father helped her support their daughter (and her mother, the grandmother, is helping babysit). But I also know of many women in all sorts of careers that have gotten pregnant and not lost their job. This woman doesn't really state if her job told her she couldn't get pregnant, or if she just felt like she couldn't be pregnant and do her job, or why exactly she felt that she couldn't have her career and be a mother. I don't think that pregnancy keeps one from doing almost any job (except heavy lifting during the later bit of pregnancy). I don't think that companies should ever discriminate against pregnant women or working mothers. And it really, really sucks that anyone does! I 100% agree with you. 3nodding My statement was hypothetical. I hear a lot of women complaining about the rights of pregnant women, and I was wondering why they don't do something about that if it really is a problem (but I'm sure there are people who do something about it; I just haven't heard of any cases). In our modern world, I don't think it should be a problem. If it is, it's probably not very common.
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