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My submission is over three posts. Here's part 1:

Muse – Adventure: Cydonia

Part 1:

The scene is Cydonia, the small, independent nation of Mars. Cydonia is a dusty, dry place, but things were far better off in Cydonia than they were in the neighbouring Mars. Cydonia, for the past year, had been fortunate enough to have the benevolent leadership of Matthew Bellamy, Christopher Wolstenholme and Dominique Howard. It had been this way ever since these three had taken over the leadership from the previous leaders, Radiohead, led by evil mastermind Thom Yorke. Cydonia was flourishing, with a happy population, kind leaders, and they had everything they needed. It was perfect in Cydonia. Until one day…

“Matt,” Dom whined, “have you noticed how dark it is outside?”
“Dom. It’s probably night time.” Matt mumbled sarcastically.
“It is not!” Dom wailed. “You’re so out of it, it’s midday! And look, it’s like a dark shadow has passed over Cydonia.”
“How poetic…” Matt scoffed. Sticking his head out the window, he gasped in surprise.
“For once in your life, Dom, you’re right!” Matt exclaimed in surprise. Dom rolled her eyes. Matt began to get quite worked up.
“I bet it’s that evil earth government. We escaped their clutches, and now they’re coming to get us.” He started to race around the room flailing. “They’re after us! They’re after us!”
“Um…Matt. Remember. The earth imploded about a year ago. The evil government blew up in the sun. They’re not after us.”
“ZOMBIES!” Matt squealed, running around flailing some more.
“Mars looks fine,” Chris mumbled, his voice barely audible over Matt’s squealing.
“Shut up, Matt! Chris, what did you say?” Dom cried. Chris cleared his throat.
“I said, Mars looks fine.”
“That’s it!” Matt exclaimed. “It’s Mars! Whatever it is out there, they’re after us! You’re right, Chris, Mars is at war with us!”
“I didn’t say that…” Chris started, but nobody heard him. Matt was rushing around frantically, running in to walls and what not.
"Now you've done it, Chris," Dom muttered, rolling her eyes. Chris gazed innocently at his shoes.
"Matt, calm down and think of a plan!" Dom exclaimed. Matt ran in to the next room. "What the hell are you doing?"
"I have jetpacks!" Matt yelled. "Something evil is out there, and it is our job to try and stop it. We're going to need everything that could possibly help us in whatever way. Including jetpacks."
"Matt, wait, we're coming with you," Dom said. Chris looked at Dom with a slightly annoyed expression but remained silent.
"Okay, go get some stuff then," Matt replied indifferently.
"Matt, you idiot!" Dom exclaimed. "You're supposed to say 'don't do it, I don't want to put you in danger' and we then say 'oh, no, we have to go with you' and so on and so forth."
"...okay, but I already said you were going with me. Besides, I need the help."
"Matt's right," Chris muttered. "I'm off to get some coffee." Dom scowled at Chris.
"Oh, face it, Dom. You're going and you want to." Dom couldn't argue with that.

Leaving some enthusiastic young people who looked and seemed semi-responsible in charge of Cydonia, Matt, Dom and Chris left on their epic adventure to the heartland of evil – Mars (no, not America). Into the deserts they wandered, without a clue where they were going (however they did have jetpacks…so that was something). They wandered and wandered, as Dom whined, Chris ran out of coffee, and Matt’s confidence slowly began to disappear.
“Face it, we’re lost,” Dom stated.
“We’re not lost; I know exactly where we are!” Matt exclaimed.
“So where are we?” Dom retorted.
But before Matt could answer, Chris spotted a dark, gloomy figure in the distance.
“Look,” he said simply, pointing at the figure.
“Oh my God, what is it?” Matt cried.
“Well, obviously we don’t know what it is…” Dom muttered, but she was as frightened as Matt.
The figure began to come closer and closer to our three protagonists. It moved in a stooped, shuffling motion. It came closer, and closer, and Matt and Dom grabbed each other and screamed while Chris stood there, frozen, and the figure emerged from the dust blowing in the air…

Part Three:

Alas, Matt, Dom, Chris and Thom were captured by the Zetas. Oh, no. The zetas sent to catch them - soldier zetas - gleefully brought them to their headquarters and locked them in a small cell.

"So, it is you, Matthew Bellamy, and your little followers and..." the zeta looked at Thom and raised his eyebrows. "Thom Yorke? Whatever would possess you to work with these fools?" Thom said nothing. “I see. Well, you were foolish in coming here. Foolish indeed…” the zeta walked away, chuckling to himself.
“What are we going to do, Matt?” Dom wailed. Thom held his hands to his ears.
“I’ll get us out!” Matt exclaimed, kicking at the walls of the cell. His kicking had no effect – the walls remained as they were.
Chris huddled in the corner. “My coffee is cold…” he muttered, rocking backwards and forwards.
“Oh, quit it.” Thom moaned. “You’ve only been here for 20 minutes. Wait until you’ve been here for days, and then you’ll know trauma.”
“Thom, I wish you’d stop having that superior attitude. It’s all your fault we’re in here!” Matt cried. Thom snorted.
“My fault? MY fault? Am I the one who wanted to go on an epic journey to save your precious Cydonia from some unknown and bizarre danger that makes no sense and has a terrible plotline with it? I don’t think so.”
“Oh!” cried Matt. “Cydonia! Oh, my country, Cydonia! I will save you, Cydonia, I will! CYDONIA!” he wailed.
“SHUT UP!” screamed Thom.
“CYDONIAAAAAAA!” Matt screeched – a painful screech that caused Dom, Chris and Thom to duck and cover their heads.
“Oh God!” Dom wailed. “Make it stop, make it stop!”
“Why does he do this?” Thom asked.
“Because he has what we call TNT syndrome. Anything that happens to him, explodes and goes way out of proportion, damaging all in its path,” Dom explained quickly. “Calm down, please, Matt!” she said helplessly.
“It’s no use…” Chris muttered. But nobody heard him over Matt’s cries.
The door burst open, making a horrid clang against the metal walls.
“Silence, human!” cried the zeta at the door, zapping Matt with his taser. Matt fell silent. “Does he always make this much noise?” the zeta asked Dom. Dom nodded her agreement, stunned.
“Is he okay?” she asked, timidly.
“He’ll be fine…in that respect. But you won’t be! Number One wishes to see you, all of you, now.” He gestured towards the door with one hand, and held up the taser threateningly with the other. Thom trembled, and shuffled out the door, with Matt, Chris and Dom following.

They marched through corridors, up stairs, through halls…for what, to Matt, seemed like an eternity, until they finally reached a door, painted jet black. The zeta knocked on the door three times.
“Time for the reckoner…” Thom muttered monotonously, paralysed by fear.
“How do you know all this, Thom?” Dom asked.
“…ever wondered how I got this eye?” he whispered, pointing to his bad eye. Dom suppressed a gasp. Thom chucked evilly, despite the horrible situation they were in.
“Number One will see you now. Good luck…you’ll definitely need it!” the zeta chuckled, opening the black door. All trembling, the three of them made their way inside, not knowing if they would ever come back out.

“Ah, Mr. Bellamy,” a deep, feminine voice purred. “And Miss Howard, Mr. Wolstenholme and…Mr. Yorke. How nice to see you. You’re looking well, Thom.”
Thom muttered something inaudible.
“I see you remember me from last time. Well, Mr. Bellamy. What brings you here?” Matt, Dom and Chris looked around frantically. Try as they might, they could not find the speaker anywhere.
“I don’t know who you are, zeta,” Matt began, but as an aside to himself, he added excitedly, “oh my God, I’m talking to a real live zeta! I’m so telling all my friends about this when I get home…oh yes, home. Ahem,” and then continuing in a more formal tone, “I don’t know who you are, or what you’re even doing, really, but I know you’re up to something evil, and I’m going to stop it!” Thom snorted. The zeta laughed, an evil, condescending laugh.
“You don’t know what we’re doing? Oh, Matthew. It’s so simple. Cydonia isn’t going to exist any more. We’re going to suck it into a supermassive black hole, and you’re going to watch it be obliterated!” Matt dropped to his knees.
“GOD DAMN YOU, ZETAS! YOU CAN NOT DESTROY CYDONIA!” he yelled. “CYDONIA IS MY HOME! CYDONIA IS AWESOME! YOU CAN’T BLOODY WELL GO AND SUCK IT IN TO A SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HOLE, YOU ARSEHOLES! I THOUGHT ZETAS WERE COOL, BUT YOU’RE NOT! ******** YOU!”
Chris, Dom and Thom were all blown away by Matt’s rant, but the zeta was not impressed.
“I’m not impressed,” said the zeta. “Your heroics are overblown. I see we shall have to get rid of you first. You’ve walked straight in to my trap. Now you’re here, I can get you out of the way and then destroy your beloved Cydonia. Turn on the lights.”
The lights were turned on, and the room was revealed in full. They were standing on a platform, that was fenced off from a large hole in the floor.
“Step forward,” the voice commanded. The four of them did so. Over the other side of the hole, they could see a female zeta standing on another platform. She gave a small smile. “Look down.”
Matt looked first. His eyes widened, his mouth made a large ‘o’ shape, and he began to scream.
“SPIDERS! SPIDERS! SPIDERS!” <********,” muttered Dom. “Matt ******** hates spiders.”
“I realised.” Thom replied calmly. Chris trembled.
“I need coffee,” he said quietly. Matt pulled out a guitar.
“Wait, where did he get the guitar from?” Thom asked, confused.
“No idea. I think the narrator gave it to him,” Dom said indifferently.
“BACK, YE HORRIBLE BEASTS! BACK, I SAY!” Matt called, strumming randomly on his guitar. It didn’t work, the spiders seemed to be moshing.
“Moshing spiders? Oh, dear God…” Thom said, rolling his eyes. The spiders were climbing up the platform, headbanging. Despite the fact that they didn’t really have heads, as such.
“Quick Dom, give me your drumsticks!” Matt called. Dom pulled a whole heap of drumsticks out of her jacket. Thom raised his eyebrows.
“FEAR MY NINJA POWERS, SPIDERS!” Matt cried, throwing the drumsticks at the spiders. However, the spiders were very good at ducking.
“Oh Jesus, what do I do now? God, help me! Wait…I’m an atheist. ********.” The spiders were coming up to Matt’s shoes.
“Wait, I’m missing something here…they’re trying to eliminate us so they’ve just, you know, kind of randomly brought in a whole bunch of spiders who are expert ninjas and rock out to Matt’s guitar playing. Er, wtf?” Thom asked.
“Silence. I don’t know what’s going on either. Just roll with it,” the narrator responded.
“Oh, real classy…” Thom muttered. The spiders were crawling up Matt’s frozen legs. His arms were flailing wildly, he was screaming his lungs out, but he couldn’t move his legs.
“Help, help, help! If there really is a narrator, narrate the spiders out now!” The spiders remained.
But in the distance, they could hear a guitar. Stabbing. Thom began to sing.
“I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo…” The spiders, shocked, fell backwards, away from Matt’s legs. Jonny Greenwood dropped down from the roof, armed with his guitar. The other Radioheads followed, stepping on some spiders as they went. The spiders quickly turned away from Matt, and looked towards the Radioheads.
“Oh, crap…” Thom mumbled. “Go!” he cried. “Push that red button conveniently located over there and hope something happens!” Matt did so immediately.
“No! My supermassive black hole!” cried the zeta. “You’re going to pay!”
“No, you are!” Matt screeched, and began to play the guitar, making the zeta’s ears bleed. He also stabbed at the zeta with his guitar, so that may or may not have been a reason for the bleeding in the first place. Chris pulled out a bomb.
“WTF?” Dom said, stunned. “Where on Mars did you get a bomb?” Chris shrugged.
“Radioheads. Out. Now.”
Everything happened very quickly then. Matt, Dom, Chris, Thom, Jonny, Colin, Ed and Phil were running, running as fast as possible, punching and kicking as many zetas as possible on the way out. The bomb ticked closer and closer to zero. They ran and ran and ran, until they reached the exit and made it outside.
“Uh, Chris?” Dom began nervously. “Would now be a good time to mention you should’ve put the bomb inside?” Everybody facepalmed, except Chris who turned bright red and ran back inside, placed the bomb down gently and ran outside.
“RUN!” he called. As if in slow motion, the eight of them ran away from the building. Then came the explosion. The walls shattered, fiery debris flew everywhere.
“That’s what Matt’s TNT syndrome is like,” quipped Dom, once they were fairly safe. Thom laughed.
“Help, oh, help, it burns!” came the voice of Number One. She lay on the ground, with her legs on fire. Matt raised his eyebrows.
“If you didn’t try to kill me and destroy my home, I so would’ve gone out with you.”
“Matt!” Dom said indignantly.
“You are a horrible person, Matthew James Bellamy…” she choked, closing her eyes.
“Hey look, Thom!” Phil cried, pointing at the ruins of the zeta headquarters.
“Oooh, a rainbow,” Colin said, in awe.
“Hmm, in rainbows.” Jonny muttered, pulling out a pen and paper. “What do you think, Thom?”
“I think we should return to Cydonia.”
“Yes,” Matt agreed. “Let’s all go back to where we belong. Let’s go home.”

And so, in awkward nonsensical circumstances, Matthew, Dominique and Christopher saved the day, with a little help from their friends. And upon their arrival, there was cheering and celebration in the streets. The Radioheads were welcomed back, and Matt, Dom and Chris were put back in their rightful places as the rulers of Cydonia.
As for the narrator, she was doomed to perish in a horrible explosion, not unlike what happened to the zetas, for her terrible writing and narration. But first, she was punched in the face by Chris, kicked in the stomach by Jonny and shot by Thom.
Everyone else, except the narrator and the zetas, lived happily ever after, in rainbows, in starlight, and with no black holes, however supermassive, to swallow them.

THE END.

Hahahahahahahahaha.
Dom's a girl. blaugh
Funny stuffs. (no, not America)

Go to the fanfiction subforum, and click on the thread that says 'this forum looks lonely'. It'll explain everything.

Part 2 is nearly ready for posting. =D.

But I'm straight! *wails*.

Although I won't mention that I kind of have a love of the Belldom pairing...what, I mean, I don't read slash fiction... *cough*

Nooooooo. I only have 4 mins till the end of my ICT class. I'll read it all when I get home XD

Yay, someone got my subtle, and highly lame, pun! XD.