Dear Maprialcs, from the Martyr-yris Pro Judicium
As most of you have displayed by your posts and reactions to my decision of banning one of my best friends from what people've called "MY" guild, for my own reasons. It is apparent that you all believe I have committed a crime against the MPRILC by doing so.
Justice (in my mind) is served when the person committing the crime's ability to continue is taken away. So I shall do justice unto myself.
You all claim to be all-for this Maprialc, you seem to like the website, the graphics, the banners, the talking, the entire idea in which I have created. You all seem to want me to stay, yet... You contradict yourself by belittling me, standing against me, and viewing me as a tyrant, because I banned one person. ONE PERSON.
I am unable to reveal all the reasons I banned her, but I was willing to talk with her and let her back in, as long as I had captainship.
I wanted to leave the thing which I no-longer hold interest in. For every person who has asked "Why are you quitting?" I've asked them "What do you do with something you have no use for? Something you hold no interest in? Do you hold it close, or set it aside to use later?" I've gotten some different answers to that question, but my answer is, of course, to set it aside.
I've wanted to stop being the Captain since Josh was promoted to Vice Captain. I view myself as incompetent, as ignorant, as everything a leader should ne'er be. I wake up in the morning, and I look in the mirror, and I say "You worthless piece of s**t, how dare you wake up? What makes you think you're worth the oxygen you steal from the atmosphere? You fail to benefit anything at any time, what the hell is wrong with you? You should kill yourself, oh yeah, you can't. You're too pathetic to even die, too obligated to end it. You worthless a*****e, I hate you. You should smile when you die, for every person you've ever met, or were going to meet, whose life will be so much better without YOU."
I'm a lot like my father, and it's by choice. I don't want to be a hero. "I can't stand the thought of losing, and I dread the attention winning brings", is what defines me.
I started learning psi for power, when I learned there was no power, I continued researching in pursuit of knowledge. When I came to the conclusion that I could not use any of the knowledge, I simply wanted answers. When I repeatedly searched, day after day and came back empty handed, I realized my pursuit was futile. That's when I quit intended practice of psi. That was a long time ago.
I had planned on writing a book... It was going to contain every bit of psionic info I had, every detail on magick rituals, every "secret" to otherkin, every detail of angels I know. As you've all displayed, that book would be useless. I am wrong.
I tried to teach, but with empty hands, I failed to give anything of any use.
By the tone in your posts, by the actions, by the things I see, you don't miss me, you won't miss me. You may miss the person I was, but you'll never miss who I am. You all act as though my words taint your brain, like the taint of Tox'xel the demon-lord of poison.
Always sorry, always sorry am I. Always sorry, but "I won't apologize for acting out of line". Nervous Breakdown is so six months ago, I'm well beyond that, and ill-suited to be a captain.
I gave psi a chance, then I was introduced to the fact of how useless I was. Then my sister moved into my house, every day was a struggle to NOT kill her. I seriously had daggers in my sleeves, ready, at every moment. But I didn't... Because KIZZY told me not to. So I kept giving psi a chance, meditation. Meditating to figure out what I am.
I had visions, angelic visions, but they were meaningless to me. I was numb to them. They didn't matter and never will. When I realized how worthless those visions were, and how useless any "Spiritual Enlightenment" might be, I felt like I've wasted time.
When my mother found a bunch of heroin my sister stored in the bathroom and made me take the license plates off of my car and sign it over to my sister, Courtney, I felt betrayed, but I didn't show it. I went out there with a multi-tool. About six or eight times, Courtney turned her back. About six or seven times I contemplated killing her.
I had told my best of friends my plans. They all disagreed. So I didn't kill her. In that moment, I vowed that I hated all of humanity. Rolling, another, natural 4, on my "Think of Reason to Pursue Enlightenment" check, I quit, again. Double quit. That's not a double negative.
And, spending a few months thinking I was an angel, and thinking I /might/ be important was nice. I got to be a part of the secret underground guild Angelic Atelier/Sanctum Angelus (I helped name it). I talked with people, got to know them. Randa had become one of my trusted friends.
When she revealed I was part of that guild, and began revealing secret information, I planned on banning her, talking with her on AIM, then letting her back in... Obviously, that plan went to s**t and everyone revolted on me.
Seeing that since everyone is betraying me, I decided to finally admit that I completely loathe Blk, and I dislike him, and I highly disagree with many, many things he does/believes in, same with Blind. I think Blind Guardian is a cynist a*****e.
I wanted to stop practicing psi and begin sloping down into inactivity because I've lost any passion I've had in anything involving anything "spiritual". I don't even love life. I don't like life. I'm indifferent to it. I'm just living so when I die, I hopefully won't be kicking myself saying "dammit, I was wrong to kill myself". I'm alive simply because everyone around me wants me to be alive... For reasons I fail to recognize. I personally find it a tad selfish to force me to live unhappily for everyone's pleasure... but... The need of the many outweigh the need of the me.
I've always lacked compassion, common sense, normal-empathy, and a conscience. I've mostly been a sadistic b*****d, but I don't let that show very often. I've always had anger issues, but I manage to balance out my emotions with my reasoning.
You say that I'm thinking with my heart, not my head. I'm thinking with my thoughts, and those told me that there was absolutely nothing wrong with what I was doing.
You've made it obvious that you all don't want me to be a captain, because I tried keeping a personal issue from swelling, and dealing with my friend personally. Now you know more than she could have ever told you. I don't have any lessons learned.
Josh has been nominated, against his free will, to be captain. Josh will be captain then. It's what everyone wants...
I don't see anyone cheering me on though, no one is saying "Hey Lobo, good job on seeing you're wrong and letting Josh take over." No one is seeing that I acknowledge that everyone thinks I made a mistake. Psychelapis never did... And I really wish I'd stop being compared to her. I never called Blk anything other than who he is. All I said is that I hate him, just hate. No hatred with a passion, just loathing.
That about sums up all my stuff on why I'm leaving, why I dislike cynist assholes, and stuff.
This is how I think, this is who I am.
I seem to have rolled a natural "4" on my "leave with dignity" check. Oh well. Enjoy Josh as captain.
As most of you have displayed by your posts and reactions to my decision of banning one of my best friends from what people've called "MY" guild, for my own reasons. It is apparent that you all believe I have committed a crime against the MPRILC by doing so.
Justice (in my mind) is served when the person committing the crime's ability to continue is taken away. So I shall do justice unto myself.
You all claim to be all-for this Maprialc, you seem to like the website, the graphics, the banners, the talking, the entire idea in which I have created. You all seem to want me to stay, yet... You contradict yourself by belittling me, standing against me, and viewing me as a tyrant, because I banned one person. ONE PERSON.
I am unable to reveal all the reasons I banned her, but I was willing to talk with her and let her back in, as long as I had captainship.
I wanted to leave the thing which I no-longer hold interest in. For every person who has asked "Why are you quitting?" I've asked them "What do you do with something you have no use for? Something you hold no interest in? Do you hold it close, or set it aside to use later?" I've gotten some different answers to that question, but my answer is, of course, to set it aside.
I've wanted to stop being the Captain since Josh was promoted to Vice Captain. I view myself as incompetent, as ignorant, as everything a leader should ne'er be. I wake up in the morning, and I look in the mirror, and I say "You worthless piece of s**t, how dare you wake up? What makes you think you're worth the oxygen you steal from the atmosphere? You fail to benefit anything at any time, what the hell is wrong with you? You should kill yourself, oh yeah, you can't. You're too pathetic to even die, too obligated to end it. You worthless a*****e, I hate you. You should smile when you die, for every person you've ever met, or were going to meet, whose life will be so much better without YOU."
I'm a lot like my father, and it's by choice. I don't want to be a hero. "I can't stand the thought of losing, and I dread the attention winning brings", is what defines me.
I started learning psi for power, when I learned there was no power, I continued researching in pursuit of knowledge. When I came to the conclusion that I could not use any of the knowledge, I simply wanted answers. When I repeatedly searched, day after day and came back empty handed, I realized my pursuit was futile. That's when I quit intended practice of psi. That was a long time ago.
I had planned on writing a book... It was going to contain every bit of psionic info I had, every detail on magick rituals, every "secret" to otherkin, every detail of angels I know. As you've all displayed, that book would be useless. I am wrong.
I tried to teach, but with empty hands, I failed to give anything of any use.
By the tone in your posts, by the actions, by the things I see, you don't miss me, you won't miss me. You may miss the person I was, but you'll never miss who I am. You all act as though my words taint your brain, like the taint of Tox'xel the demon-lord of poison.
Always sorry, always sorry am I. Always sorry, but "I won't apologize for acting out of line". Nervous Breakdown is so six months ago, I'm well beyond that, and ill-suited to be a captain.
I gave psi a chance, then I was introduced to the fact of how useless I was. Then my sister moved into my house, every day was a struggle to NOT kill her. I seriously had daggers in my sleeves, ready, at every moment. But I didn't... Because KIZZY told me not to. So I kept giving psi a chance, meditation. Meditating to figure out what I am.
I had visions, angelic visions, but they were meaningless to me. I was numb to them. They didn't matter and never will. When I realized how worthless those visions were, and how useless any "Spiritual Enlightenment" might be, I felt like I've wasted time.
When my mother found a bunch of heroin my sister stored in the bathroom and made me take the license plates off of my car and sign it over to my sister, Courtney, I felt betrayed, but I didn't show it. I went out there with a multi-tool. About six or eight times, Courtney turned her back. About six or seven times I contemplated killing her.
I had told my best of friends my plans. They all disagreed. So I didn't kill her. In that moment, I vowed that I hated all of humanity. Rolling, another, natural 4, on my "Think of Reason to Pursue Enlightenment" check, I quit, again. Double quit. That's not a double negative.
And, spending a few months thinking I was an angel, and thinking I /might/ be important was nice. I got to be a part of the secret underground guild Angelic Atelier/Sanctum Angelus (I helped name it). I talked with people, got to know them. Randa had become one of my trusted friends.
When she revealed I was part of that guild, and began revealing secret information, I planned on banning her, talking with her on AIM, then letting her back in... Obviously, that plan went to s**t and everyone revolted on me.
Seeing that since everyone is betraying me, I decided to finally admit that I completely loathe Blk, and I dislike him, and I highly disagree with many, many things he does/believes in, same with Blind. I think Blind Guardian is a cynist a*****e.
I wanted to stop practicing psi and begin sloping down into inactivity because I've lost any passion I've had in anything involving anything "spiritual". I don't even love life. I don't like life. I'm indifferent to it. I'm just living so when I die, I hopefully won't be kicking myself saying "dammit, I was wrong to kill myself". I'm alive simply because everyone around me wants me to be alive... For reasons I fail to recognize. I personally find it a tad selfish to force me to live unhappily for everyone's pleasure... but... The need of the many outweigh the need of the me.
I've always lacked compassion, common sense, normal-empathy, and a conscience. I've mostly been a sadistic b*****d, but I don't let that show very often. I've always had anger issues, but I manage to balance out my emotions with my reasoning.
You say that I'm thinking with my heart, not my head. I'm thinking with my thoughts, and those told me that there was absolutely nothing wrong with what I was doing.
You've made it obvious that you all don't want me to be a captain, because I tried keeping a personal issue from swelling, and dealing with my friend personally. Now you know more than she could have ever told you. I don't have any lessons learned.
Josh has been nominated, against his free will, to be captain. Josh will be captain then. It's what everyone wants...
I don't see anyone cheering me on though, no one is saying "Hey Lobo, good job on seeing you're wrong and letting Josh take over." No one is seeing that I acknowledge that everyone thinks I made a mistake. Psychelapis never did... And I really wish I'd stop being compared to her. I never called Blk anything other than who he is. All I said is that I hate him, just hate. No hatred with a passion, just loathing.
That about sums up all my stuff on why I'm leaving, why I dislike cynist assholes, and stuff.
This is how I think, this is who I am.
I seem to have rolled a natural "4" on my "leave with dignity" check. Oh well. Enjoy Josh as captain.
