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Hello,

This is my first time posting on the guild's forum but...my friend needs help and I don't know who to talk too.

Her husband is a very nice man...but... he makes every decision and if she tries to give her input on it and he doesn't agree, he sulks or gets upset. But if the role is reversed and lets say...oh she wants a bracelet or something. And he says no...if she sulks or gets upset its like the world ended and he gets mad at her.

If she wants some time to herself he makes her feel bad. So she feels guilty and ends up spending her time with him and all the while her frustration is building.

Another thing she has an issue with is money every single petty thing she has to go to him about and ask his permission. I.E. if she wants to go out with friends (often times he doesn't want to give her money, so she sits there without any food or drink unless one of us buys something for her. And she always makes up some lame excuse as to why she can't spend money at the moment.) Or, such as a few days ago, she really loved this glass that was 2 bucks but she couldn't get it because he deemed it "useless" And the thing that really gets me is that she's the one working, he isn't. And I can see talking to your spouse about a major purchase ( say...20 dollars and up) But a 2 dollar glass? A bracelet? A pair of earings she really likes? Does she really need to ask him about EVERYTHING, even though they are not in any sort of money troubles?

Another thing that seems to trouble her is her future with this man. They've talked about kids and the various sort but any sort of tradition from her side of the family, or any sort of child rearing decision that she wants to take part in (such as giving them a little goodie in their lunch pail) he wants no part of. Apparently now the kids can only eat healthy food all the time, no treats...at all ( except on holidays) She agrees with that too... but thinks a kid should have something nice every once in awhile.

She's afraid that she'll never be able to take control of her life, or make any sort of decisions. Especially since when he gives her a decision to make (such as what resturant to eat at) and she cant make up her mind, he gets annoyed at her!

She's tried to talk to him about these things before, but he doesn't think he's controlling. And he's such a smooth talker (she isn't) when he comes up with an argument, she can't argue back. I think, sure, he wins. But does that change how she feels?

Is he really being controlling, or is it my imagination? What should I tell my friend to do? She use to be so strong....but ever since she married him...well, you get the idea.

Thanks for your time and I would appreciate any other women's opinions. Thanks again.

Her husband is treating her like a child. Thats not healthy. My husband is the oldfashioned type but he's not that bad. I do all the housework, take care of the kids, the farm work I can handle, fill out the bills; the house and the kids are my job. We talked about this before we got married. He has the ability to check the checking account, see what we owe etc. But I balance things. If either one of us want a big ticket item (we both target shoot and read alot) then we discuss it. We have had those "But I go out and earn the money" talks when he is in a pissy mood. But he usually sees when I show him that one pay check that used to feed two people now has to stretch to feed four that he can't be selfish. We keep money in an envelope (usually about 60.00 ) to use for gas in the cars or running around money. This is another thing we talked about before we got married.

Does your friend go to church? Some churchess have good programs where they counsel young couples and let them talk wihtout sulking and fighting. They need to talk this out before it gets worse and he gets even more controlling.

My husband and I do not agree on child rearing practices. I don't mind a treat for the kids but they don't eat many true junk foods. He won't allow any treats but he's not home all the time either. We talked about it before we had kids but I thought he would lighten up. I was wrong. The kids and I are very close. I'm with them all day and I put them to bed at night. You learn how to balance things when you have kids in the mix. And yes he loves the kids.

Your friend is in for a life of unhappiness if she doesn't get some control. Can she write down some responsibilities she wants to keep and some she needs help with? Maybe both of them have an allowance. Under 20 bucks can used for what they want out of each payccheck - no questions asked. If you don't use it you can save it for somethinggn bigger. Just an idea.

I know she probably feels trapped sometimes. They need to sit down and work it out. Marriage is give and take and both people need to do that. I hope she gets her life straightened up. Be there for her. She needs someone to count on. Maybe she would be interested in signng up on here. This is my only contact with people other than when I go shopping and it helps me keep me rooted in reality. We live far out in the country and due to my sons health issues we don't have people over much. Just knowing there are people here to talk to me feel better. It might help her also.

is she working? it seems that the husband is trying to slow her spending down... maybe hes trying to hint to her about getting a job.

not all guys want a stay at home wife.whooo... i cant breathe (fake contractions) maybe he has his reasons for why hes acting this way. maybe she has a spending probelm.

Hello,

Thanks for the replies everyone.

She wants to go to marriage consoling and he doesn't (she hasent had much time to search for a consoler between work and well...sleeping lol) She says she has talked to him before about things...but either he doesn't understand or he's just flat out not listening. She doesn't even know if she wants to even try talking to him again about these issues. No, she doesn't go to church mostly because he hates religion and doesn't want her going to church.

Actually, he grew up with the women being the more uh.."dominant" and with her it was kind of even. She has to ask for permission if she can go out with friends because she either needs bus money or money for food.

I try to be there for her, but what can I do, you know?

If she's having to ask permission to see friends or go out, she needs to get out of the relationship. My ex started that way, it progressed to the point where he had me chained to a radiator when he left the house so that I couldn't do things he didn't want me to do. If it's just an economy thing, that's ok, but if he's treating her like property, tell her to run, not walk to the nearest divorce attorney.