Welcome to Gaia! ::

hmm...okay, well i'm going to critique it, but first i will admit i sped-read it, so keep that in mind (lol i actually don't have a lot of time to do it justice, and i'm sorry about that).

This is what first stood out to me: "The Bible states that if you are killed without the knowledge that you are going to die, you go to Hell, even if you were Jesus Himself." I don't think that this is really accurate, or even necessary to add in because it doesn't seem to have much to do with the rest of the story.

I really liked the tone you used. I prefer not knowing exactly what's going on in a story, but just enough to keep me reading. I think you did a great job with balancing information with non-information. The characters are also easy for me to visualize, except maybe Mary. Her motive doesn't quite seem deep enough to me. I see what you were getting at, that she was jealous of Hardin, but I don't think you put enough depth into Mary and Gabe's relationship to make that jealousy feel very realistic. My suggestion is when you first introduce her into the story, don't tell us how good of friends they are, show us by the characters actions (explaining body language and facial expressions might give the audience just the right hint to see how strongly she feels about Gabe). Some of the sentences were a little awkward too, especially in the beginning. I suggest that you read it out loud to yourself so you can hear the awkwardness (or lack thereof). Better yet, have someone else read it out loud to you, because they will read it how you wrote it, not necessarily how you intended it to be.

But overall, bravo! I like the originality of the plot, and the surprise ending.