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 Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 12:20 pm
*NOTE: These were written when I was with my ex bf... If you cant tell, it was not a good relationship.
________________________________
Shredded
The one I love
Will never understand
The pain my life has caused.
Bloody tears dry my heart
As silent words become unknown.
Out of all, he should know
I need him most
To coap with the pain,
Depression, neglect.
As night passes,
The sorrow of a dark life
(One filled with abuse)
Bleeds my insides
Screaming for someone,
Anyone,
To care.
He claims to love and yet,
Says not to move
A little while longer:
A few more bloody tears
Wont hurt.
What does he know?
A thousand helpless pleas unheard.
The innocence of a child
Stripped away, so young.
Sooner than latter
Nothing will be left within
My shredded, lifeless heart.
________________________________
Red Lies
I watched it happen in a red fog.
That fog was full of lies.
Why did you lie?
You never showed
In that dark, lonely, scary place.
DO you know what happened?
I'll tell you what happened.
I was scared, the lights around me dimmed
As people began to leave.
You never showed.
Minutes then hours passed,
You still weren't there.
I called you,
No answer.
I was alone in an old alley,
Surrounded by a crime infested town.
The moon shown on as the
Clock stroked midnight.
The red on my shirt reflected
In a puddle, laying at my feet.
Thats all I saw before black.
Then that smell!
It was so sour,
I could taste it.
I could feel how dirty his
Fingers and nails were as
They touched my skin.
His body became heavy as I realized
Two of them were on me.
You told me you would be there.
You lied!
I cried as the filth of
Their hands infested my body.
After the blackness, I saw red.
The warmth of death covered my body,
Then that cold stiffness.
Now I linger here,
My body is beaten,
Bloodied, and tainted.
A fog of red lies engulfs my being
So it is never to be found.
I watch you now as I,
A ghost,
Linger on to haunt you.
For you are the cause
Of all these
Red lies.
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Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 5:20 pm
Personally, Red Lies appealed to me more. It seemed to be more vehement than the Shredded. The first one I believe turned into a classic cliche of teenage angst. Most broken relationships in poetry with such material that you've brought forth on the paper. Perhaps, as a suggestion, make it more original unless your intent was this. Red Lies was potent, emotional, and nicely written. Your style seemed to be more exposed within that poem. I apologize if I sound harsh, but I'm going to be honest with you. Hopefully, this will help you with revisions or future writings. If you need any more help I'll gladly provide it.
~Vesryn~
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Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 12:02 am
Actually, I love your type of criticism and I thank you for it.
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Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 5:45 am
LunarHybrid Actually, I love your type of criticism and I thank you for it.
~Vesryn~
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