[A]nd I Just Can't Preten[d]
Hi. I've post in other parts of this guild before, but this time it's not about guys or friends. I figured out how to become resistant to those angsty parts of life.
This is about my depression, the one I was doing so well to get rid of.
For as long as I can remember I've been battling depression, well more along the lines of hiding it. Up until about 3 years ago when it pretty much just exploded.
I went to therapy. I've had two therapists, and I went cold turkey on both.
They don't help me, and I end up feeling worse about myself for going to them in the first place, taking up time in money that could be put to better use.
A few months ago. maybe like 6, I decided I finally wanted to move in with my Father. [ parents are divorced and with new spouses and such. I'm completely fine with this.]
Home life at my Mothers place had become too much for me to handle, my sister too abusive. My mother too ignorant.
Since then I've been yelled at for 'breaking up the family' and 'manipulating' everyone. All I wanted was to be happy.
About a week ago, I finally came up with an approach to life that I figured would help my depression go away, and it really worked.
Until the fights started again.
Just tonight, my sister was yelling at me to get off the computer at the time SHE wanted because she had made promises on the assumption that she would get on at that time, without consulting anyone else.
She had already been rude to me in the morning, and had not gotten off when I asked her to with an hours warning, and then walked away.
I had also gotten off the moment she got home in the afternoon to let her on, even though I had only been on for a matter of minutes myself.
So after refusing to back down...
She threw an entire thing of Romanian Lettuce at me.
I got up and left the room shortly after. After being told that I should set the examples [ The ones I was tired of setting, especially being the young sister. I thought the older one was supposed to show the younger how things are done properly.]
I was so upset that I called my ex crying. I was tired of being the one that was expected to do everything right. The way everyone wanted things to be.
He of course tells me to turn a cold shoulder and tell them I'm just going to my Father's house and that's that.
So I try to have an conversation with my Mother about how I needed to leave for the night, which she turns down. After much arguing, she basically said to me that I needed to suck it up because that's the way siblings are, though it may not be right.
My thoughts to that are the fact that she had the same problems as a kid, shouldn't she have more sympathy?
If she knows I'm going through so much torment, why is she letting me?
( her response was that I wasn't going to be able to escape from jobs that I wasn't happy with.)
But Jobs and Family Life are different, a job you have to deal with when you need the money, something I know,
.
Family life is something that should be happy for you, a thing that you shouldn't resent.
But I resent it.
I look forward to work because it's the happiest thing in my life right now.
I hate going home because I'm not trusted, i don't have privacy, and yet I'm still expected to be godly or something.
I'm the kid who doesn't steal. The kid who doesn't do drugs. The kid who doesn't drink. The kid who doesn't smoke. The kid who doesn't have sex.
I'm the kid that backs down from her own happiness because she wants others to be happy.
The kid who only ran away because her mother didn't care that her best friend was dying, the best friend that was keeping her alive.
I'm expected to earn trust, when I've been given none in the first place to prove that I can be trusted.
I'm expected to take the beatings I would get from my sister [Until I threatened the police] with just a simple "I'll talk to her" as a solution.
I'm not perfect. and I can't take all of it.
I can't be falling for a guy so out of my reach and keep myself happy with that, and then be still happy at home when all of this happens.
My mothers solution "If you need help I'll get you another appointment. I'll give you what you need to get better."
What I need is the distance from them.
She barely knows anything about me.
She could tell you a few things maybe... If she looked at my facebook before hand.
Maybe you think 'Well then she invades your privacy to know more about you.'
Yeah. she said that to me once.
I try to get away from her because I'm FORCED to spend time with them
I get in trouble if I don't.
What I really need is space.
Every time I tell her something I'm suddenly the one in the wrong or, all of her friends know about things going on in my life.
And it drags me back down into depression.
I'm chained and trying to fly.
My father is my only release, with him, he knows I'm good, that I'm not stupid enough to do bad things. He gives me a long leash, with a good amount of elasticity to it. He knows that when I want to be around him, I'll be around him.
He will often not step foot into my room unless I'm in there.
And this is obviously leading into a custody battle, which is really going to drag me down. And my only escape is my work. And the weekends I spend at my fathers house.
But that custody battle is going to be one heck of a depressive ride for me, because I'm going to get guilt tripped, and blamed for everything, just because I've decided to be selfish for once and save myself from suicide.
Or from self harm/ giving up on life.
I really don't know if I can handle it all. I know I'll have to if i want to get any peace... But my conscience keeps saying that I'm in the wrong because other people aren't going to be happy.
I also don't know how to deal with the depression I know is coming.
I just started to 'heal' from the years of depression, I started to realize a few things that made me think differently, and made me happy with life.
But... Having that head of lettuce chucked at me kind of turned things around.
I hope maybe someone will be able to understand all of this junk and make something of it...
EDIT;;
So I was at work today... My mother and I have the same workplace.
I wasn't actual working, I just went down into the meeting place they have at lunch everyday to see if I had any work coming up,
and she starts to rant about me not wanting to walk my little sister to school in the morning, basically making me look like a complete fool.
Which I didn't appreciate because though I maybe her kid, I don't think it's fair of her to make a fool out of me at WORK.
And then in the afternoon I dropped by again, but they were outside ( child care type of thing.)
And I walked up and started talking to her and such and she accuses me of only coming by because I want to hangout and talk to our co-worker, we'll call him... Jim. And so, though I find it a fun aspect of dropping by, it's not the main reason I do, I do because the moment I walk into the house, I feel depressed, and always end up going to sleep to avoid it.
But now that she's made this accusation to me, I know she'll start saying it around the others, which would complete stepping out of her bounds, because she could mess up my ability to talk to the others. To have 'Jim'
as the friend I can relax with at work.
I'm being dragged and pulled back into my depression, and it's all because this woman is a control freak. And even people outside my family have noticed this.
This is about my depression, the one I was doing so well to get rid of.
For as long as I can remember I've been battling depression, well more along the lines of hiding it. Up until about 3 years ago when it pretty much just exploded.
I went to therapy. I've had two therapists, and I went cold turkey on both.
They don't help me, and I end up feeling worse about myself for going to them in the first place, taking up time in money that could be put to better use.
A few months ago. maybe like 6, I decided I finally wanted to move in with my Father. [ parents are divorced and with new spouses and such. I'm completely fine with this.]
Home life at my Mothers place had become too much for me to handle, my sister too abusive. My mother too ignorant.
Since then I've been yelled at for 'breaking up the family' and 'manipulating' everyone. All I wanted was to be happy.
About a week ago, I finally came up with an approach to life that I figured would help my depression go away, and it really worked.
Until the fights started again.
Just tonight, my sister was yelling at me to get off the computer at the time SHE wanted because she had made promises on the assumption that she would get on at that time, without consulting anyone else.
She had already been rude to me in the morning, and had not gotten off when I asked her to with an hours warning, and then walked away.
I had also gotten off the moment she got home in the afternoon to let her on, even though I had only been on for a matter of minutes myself.
So after refusing to back down...
She threw an entire thing of Romanian Lettuce at me.
I got up and left the room shortly after. After being told that I should set the examples [ The ones I was tired of setting, especially being the young sister. I thought the older one was supposed to show the younger how things are done properly.]
I was so upset that I called my ex crying. I was tired of being the one that was expected to do everything right. The way everyone wanted things to be.
He of course tells me to turn a cold shoulder and tell them I'm just going to my Father's house and that's that.
So I try to have an conversation with my Mother about how I needed to leave for the night, which she turns down. After much arguing, she basically said to me that I needed to suck it up because that's the way siblings are, though it may not be right.
My thoughts to that are the fact that she had the same problems as a kid, shouldn't she have more sympathy?
If she knows I'm going through so much torment, why is she letting me?
( her response was that I wasn't going to be able to escape from jobs that I wasn't happy with.)
But Jobs and Family Life are different, a job you have to deal with when you need the money, something I know,
.
Family life is something that should be happy for you, a thing that you shouldn't resent.
But I resent it.
I look forward to work because it's the happiest thing in my life right now.
I hate going home because I'm not trusted, i don't have privacy, and yet I'm still expected to be godly or something.
I'm the kid who doesn't steal. The kid who doesn't do drugs. The kid who doesn't drink. The kid who doesn't smoke. The kid who doesn't have sex.
I'm the kid that backs down from her own happiness because she wants others to be happy.
The kid who only ran away because her mother didn't care that her best friend was dying, the best friend that was keeping her alive.
I'm expected to earn trust, when I've been given none in the first place to prove that I can be trusted.
I'm expected to take the beatings I would get from my sister [Until I threatened the police] with just a simple "I'll talk to her" as a solution.
I'm not perfect. and I can't take all of it.
I can't be falling for a guy so out of my reach and keep myself happy with that, and then be still happy at home when all of this happens.
My mothers solution "If you need help I'll get you another appointment. I'll give you what you need to get better."
What I need is the distance from them.
She barely knows anything about me.
She could tell you a few things maybe... If she looked at my facebook before hand.
Maybe you think 'Well then she invades your privacy to know more about you.'
Yeah. she said that to me once.
I try to get away from her because I'm FORCED to spend time with them
I get in trouble if I don't.
What I really need is space.
Every time I tell her something I'm suddenly the one in the wrong or, all of her friends know about things going on in my life.
And it drags me back down into depression.
I'm chained and trying to fly.
My father is my only release, with him, he knows I'm good, that I'm not stupid enough to do bad things. He gives me a long leash, with a good amount of elasticity to it. He knows that when I want to be around him, I'll be around him.
He will often not step foot into my room unless I'm in there.
And this is obviously leading into a custody battle, which is really going to drag me down. And my only escape is my work. And the weekends I spend at my fathers house.
But that custody battle is going to be one heck of a depressive ride for me, because I'm going to get guilt tripped, and blamed for everything, just because I've decided to be selfish for once and save myself from suicide.
Or from self harm/ giving up on life.
I really don't know if I can handle it all. I know I'll have to if i want to get any peace... But my conscience keeps saying that I'm in the wrong because other people aren't going to be happy.
I also don't know how to deal with the depression I know is coming.
I just started to 'heal' from the years of depression, I started to realize a few things that made me think differently, and made me happy with life.
But... Having that head of lettuce chucked at me kind of turned things around.
I hope maybe someone will be able to understand all of this junk and make something of it...
EDIT;;
So I was at work today... My mother and I have the same workplace.
I wasn't actual working, I just went down into the meeting place they have at lunch everyday to see if I had any work coming up,
and she starts to rant about me not wanting to walk my little sister to school in the morning, basically making me look like a complete fool.
Which I didn't appreciate because though I maybe her kid, I don't think it's fair of her to make a fool out of me at WORK.
And then in the afternoon I dropped by again, but they were outside ( child care type of thing.)
And I walked up and started talking to her and such and she accuses me of only coming by because I want to hangout and talk to our co-worker, we'll call him... Jim. And so, though I find it a fun aspect of dropping by, it's not the main reason I do, I do because the moment I walk into the house, I feel depressed, and always end up going to sleep to avoid it.
But now that she's made this accusation to me, I know she'll start saying it around the others, which would complete stepping out of her bounds, because she could mess up my ability to talk to the others. To have 'Jim'
as the friend I can relax with at work.
I'm being dragged and pulled back into my depression, and it's all because this woman is a control freak. And even people outside my family have noticed this.
[D]on't Call Me Your Frien[d]
