|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 6:28 pm
Vampires in a Bar
It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.
At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.
"Thanks," he says, and leaves.
An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.
An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."
"I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"
"Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."
"Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"
Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid.
"Tea time."
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 7:26 pm
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 7:02 pm
There are 3 pigs at a reastrunt and the 1st pig orders speggetti, the 2nd pig orders a sandwich and the last pig orders a glass of water. Later the pigs ordered again, the 1st pig orders soup, the 2nd pig orders chicken and the 3rd pig orders a glass of water(again). Then they placed another order and the 1st pig orders a burger, the 2nd orders lobster and the 3rd orders water again so the waiter asks the 3rd little pig, "Sir, all night you've wanted water only all night, why?"
And the third little pig says, " Well, someones's gotta go Wee Wee Wee all the way home."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 2:22 pm
ok a panda walks into a bar and orders a lot of food and when the panda gets the bill he yells at the waiter :" What the heck is this" and shoots him
And then the bar owner walks over to the panda and the says " HEY why did you just shoot my best waiter???" and the panda replies with "look up 'panda' in the dictionary"
so the owner does that and it says 'eats, shoots, and leaves
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008 2:42 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Radioactive Applesauce Vice Captain
|
Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 2:34 am
You guys have some really great jokes! blaugh
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 5:48 pm
A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning. He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the next Monday. "Downsizing."
He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be one of them."
He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does. Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.
"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything okay?" He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."
And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so I suggest you jack off.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
