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 Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 12:17 am
AIM RP Log
"Stupid," he growled in a low voice, talking only to himself, "Jerk, idiot.. that's not what you're supposed to do."
Kijibwa was on his way back home, and was mentally berating himself for what he had done before he'd left. And rightfully so. They'd both been upset, he'd had no reason to snap at Siku. He loved her, this wasn't her fault, and he'd come to the conclusion that he wasn't going to blame himself either. Janja had always been the little ring leader of their bunch, and Kiji had enough confidence in her to imagine she had a good reason, had thought this through.. why else would she abandon them and take Jedi with her? It wasn't like Jedi not to talk to him, but it wouldn't be like Janja to do something completely foolish either..
However, it was exactly like him. And he was on his way back with every intention of admitting it and apologizing profusely, he'd lost two of his girls, he wasn't going to lose the other two.
If only she'd stopped her. If only shed' stopped them. If only she hadn't been so foolish. Hundreds upon thousands of If Only's ran through Siku's mind as she raced back towards the den. Tears nearly blurring her to blindness, it took all of Siku's focus not to stumble in mid-run. Not that it'd really matter, anyway; should such an event happen, she was likely to lie down in the very spot and sob uncontrollably, for a good amount of time. There were so many things that could've been differently, so many things she should've said.. shouldn't have said.. gods, to do it all over again. And Kiji.. poor Kiji.... after everything, the emotional struggle she'd put him under was heatbreaking. She was amazed the older lion hadn't left her yet.
Not that she wanted him to, of course. Gods no, Kiji was the one aspect of her life that was always the same. Loyal, faithful, loving.... a soft, almost weary smile spread across her face as she realized how wonderfully blessed she was to have him. Gods love the lion, Kiji was the only thing that kept her hanging on any more. But, no.. she had news to deliver. Unfortunately, terrible news. Pouring her heart into her sprint, Siku continued quickly for some time, until she arrived upon Kiji heading out. Maybe.. he'd come looking for her?
"Kiji," she breathed, her smile fading with the realization her news would break his heart. Skidding to a stop, Siku remained in place for a moment, watching her mate trudge onward heavily. She approached, quietly, when she felt the tears build in her eyes once more, a heavy sob caught in her throat. "K..KIJI!!" She at last managed, crying desperately for him to hear. She needed him. Gods, she needed Kiji's love again..
Kiji's head hung low as he continued to mutter darkly at himself for being so stupid as to snap like he had, he'd never really had an arguement with anyone- not like this. It was different when you argued with someone you lived with, someone you loved.. it had never happened before, and hopefully now he could make up for it. He couldn't imagine how she'd ever forgive him, but he had to try or he really wouldn't be able to stand it. He didn't have any plans that continued from Siku rejecting him, and he didn't even want to think about it! The poor lion was just starting to think he wouldn't find Siku when suddenly he thought her heard her voice- the stammer just enough to catch his attention before she managed to call out. For a moment, it was as if nothing was wrong, as if he wasn't feeling horribly guilty and there wasn't a touch of desperation in Siku's voice. She was here, for a moment that was all that mattered- and with a sudden smile, he lifted up his head and looked towards her.
Then, as quick as he had felt happy, he felt very heavy and sad. He had no idea what had happened, and immediately piled all blame upon himself for the horrible sad look on his mate's face. After a moment's hesitation where he only seemed capable of staring, he jumped forward and scrambled to her side. He couldn't even manage a stammering apology, instead on clung to her and buried his face in her neck. He was an idiot, and he needed her.
There was sadness. Gods, he hadn't deserved it! He didn't need her misery, too! For a moment- gods, just to have that one moment last forever..- he was happy, alive.. the Kiji she knew and loved. Somewhere, in her heart and mind, she was registering the memory; preserving it, to cherish whenever things took a turn for the worse once more. At that point in time, more than any, she wanted to turn back time; go stop her girls, make sure that none of this happened, and that Kiji kept on smiling; for her, him, and the girls. She decided that THAT, more than anything, would keep her going. That she needed Kiji to smile for her again. It'd be hard, but..... somewhere, in the back of her mind, she knew it'd happen again. They could be a family again, just like they always had been. They loved each other dearly, (gods strike her dead if they didn't), and.. lovers got through this. FAMILY got through this. Clearing her throat, Siku's strangled voice nearly came to her once more, though talking was beginning to feel as if she were being clawed in the neck. She moved to speak once more, to throw an apology to the wind and pray he heard it, when suddenly he was there, embracing her as he had so often when she was young.
Tears once more returned to her eyes. Leaning greatly into Kiji, Siku heartily sobbed, chest racking itself in a pathetic attempt to escape her weary body. She just wanted to fall away, for Kiji not to have to suffer through this... why did all this misery keep coming to him? It wasn't fair. She'd brought it to him, and it just wasn't fair. Drawing a deep breath, in an attempt to calm herself, she managed to quietly warble out, "She.. she's gone, Kiji. I.. I tried to stop her, I did.. but.. she took off.. and she's gone. Gods, I'm sorry, I know you must hate me, but I tried..." and as Siku stared to the ground in misery, the blue fur caught in her claws was reminder enough of that; she HAD tried. And she'd failed. Just as she did, it seemed as of late, at everything else.
Kiji took a second to appreciate that Siku did not push him away, she did not resent or hate himm- she leaned back against him. He would still apologize like mad, but to him this said it a lot more than he could possibly- he'd never been very good with words, after all. He didn't know, didn't realize why Siku was so upset and until she spoke he was ignorant to the fact that his simply being there was not helping. There was something else, and as soon as Siku said "she's gone" he knew exactly who she meant. There was only one other she, only one other who could leave them like this. He froze, unable to move for a moment. All of their girls, their precious daughters.. they'd all abandoned them, left them.. and now not one, not a single one had come to them about it and it was unclear if Ekevu would have gone to Siku or if she would have happened by before she went..
It made his head hurt, made his stomach turn. What had they done wrong?
Finally he leaned out, frowning at Siku- not really at her, but at her news, at her words. Of course he didn't hate her, putting that on top of Kev's leaving left him speechless, stunned. His mouth opened to speak, and at first nothing came out. He had to know what happened, and those questions were on the tip of his tongue, but it was more important to make sure Siku knew he didn't really blame her, that he didn't hate her. This all hurt her as well, she was suffering more than any of them.. all because of how stupid he'd been. His dark blue eyes watery, he finally shook his head vigorously. "N-no, I don't hate you, I could never hate you," he said finally in a rather hoarse voice, "I love you."
If asked about it later, it might get a chuckle out of Siku; somehow, they'd both gotten the idea in their heads they were wrong. Her entirely, or Kiji entirely, each from their respective perspective. In a way, it was almost funny. At the moment? No. But, sometime later, it might be. For now, all she wanted was Kiji to accept her; to love her, forgive her, for him to make everything right. Breathing into him, just taking in his scent and everything about him she could, Siku cried. Time and time again, she tried to formulate more words.. a story, and explanation, anything to tell him what'd happened, but nothing came to her. So, for the time being, she just cried. And somehow, just crying with Kiji there felt GOOD. Almost, it seemed, as if just her tears were making everything better. Certainly would have been nice if they would, but for now, just getting the sadness out was enough.
As Kiji pulled away, Siku managed to dry her eyes a bit, a choked cry still caught in her throat. She watched, quitely, as Kiji said nothing at first, then managed to tell her that he loved her. After all this.. he still did. It hurt, and yet, it was still soothing to hear, bringing the tears to her eyes once more. Siku looked to him for a moment, then swiftly to the ground, forcing out the story of what'd happened. "S..she came to me, telling me she was leaving.. so, naturally, I said no. Why would I say yes to losing a child? A..and she didn't take it well. We started yelling.. arguing.. t..then she turned, and ran, and.. I.. I acted on impulse. I tried.. gods Kiji, I TRIED to stop her, a..and something just took over.." bending down a moment, she forced her claws out to the ground, and tore some of the blue fur out with her teeth. Pulling her head back up, she continued weakly. "I.. I didn't mean.. t..to use my claws, I was just so.. panicked, and.. I NEEDED her to stay, and.. it was impulse.." keeping the fur in her teeth, Siku gaze's remained away- ANYWHERE- except on Kiji. "I.. I'm sorry, I tried, I just..." swallowing heavily, she finally looked up to him once more. "I.. I needed to try, for you.. and I failed again. Like I always do."
As Kiji looked on at his mate, who clearly was struggling with whatever had happened between her and Ekevu, he just wanted to lean in again and not worry, not think, not do anything. There wasn't going to be an easy way to comfort her, to get them both through this, and they couldn't just ignore it. He listened to the story, his face as sad as it had been since Janja had left without warning, his expression not changing as she started. He was surprised, almost pleased even, that Kev had decided to tell her mother she was leaving- but then it sunk in what it really meant. At least she'd come, but not with any intention to respect the wishes of her parents. The idea of Kev arguging, starting a shouting match.. it frustrated him, for he was certain Siku could never outright start something like that. Kev was much feistier than her mother in that respect.. Kiji felt very strongly that Kev should have stayed, that Siku was right. They needed her, at least for a while longer..
He started when suddenly Siku leaned down and pulled the blue fur from her claws and explained a bit more of what happened, his eyes widening and moving back and fourth from Siku to the fur.
"Y-you really tried to stop her," he mumbled carefully, surprised but at the same time not so surprised. He tried to place himself in the same situation, feeling how he did, facing the one daughter who dared to face them with this, refused to be there when they needed them to keep feeling like a family.. no, he was never good with words, worse than Siku and Kev could have been even in this situation. If he'd been there, perhaps it would have ended differently, but not better.. but how comforting would it be to say that?
"You tried," he mumbled again, leaning into her again, resting his forehead against her's, "I- you don't always fail. I.. don't blame you, I'd have done the same.."
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Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 9:27 pm
"I.. I know it was wrong to act violently," she mumbled, still upset with her actions in the fight with Kev, "but.. but last time, you were so upset that I didn't try... I had to. I had to make it up to you, to try and make things right.." letting the fur escape her mouth, Siku watched as it was caught by the breeze and drifted away, lost to the savanah like her daughters had been. At this, she sighed heavily; hadn't her life changed drastically. Closing her eyes, Siku slowly worked at calming herself down. "Maybe.. traveling with a family.. was bad for me to push on you, Kiji. I..." swallowing heavily, she looked back to her mate. "I.. I know I've messed up with a family once, but.. in the future... M..maybe if you feel up to it.." it was an odd idea, considering the circumstances, but one Siku had entertained on a wild whim ever since the girls had begun growing up. After all, her mother had decided to have more cubs. Trying to smile, even a very small one, Siku looked to him hopefully.
"I..I could try again. For us. W..we could stay here, for a while, or.. or wherever you decide, and.. give a family another shot. I..it's up to you, really, but.. I.. I'd love to be a parent.. again.."
It was sudden, and probably unreasonable, but something Siku had to at least try. Remaining silent a moment, she decided Kiji deserved more of an explanation. "W..well, I mean.. other lions.. have more than one litter, a..and I think.. we could try again.. if you were up to it, anyway. I.. I mean, we might have a son, i..if you were hoping for one, a..and things could turn out differently for us. I..if we stayed here, I'd.. have m..MY mother's help, too.. A..and it just.. seemed.. like a good idea.." tapering off, she nervously awaited Kiji's opinion on the issue. It was a long shot, definitely, but certainly one worth trying. And maybe.. he really would give her a second chance? "I... I know I make mistakes," she stammered in addition, closing her eyes and relishing the contact with Kiji. "B..but.. maybe.. I could do things right this time."
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Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 9:51 pm
Kiji bit his lip when he realized just how deep Siku's guilt went. She wasn't just worried about losing their last daughter, she was worried about disappointing him. The original self-loathing commentary he'd started off this little venture home with immediately returned to his mind, he knew he was an idiot for what he'd said, what he'd let happen. It was clear to him that letting himself entertain the idea of blaming Siku, and actually acting upon it, was the fault for the situation here. Which made it all the worse, and Siku continued to speak, keeping the main theme that this was all somehow her fault, that she was what messed up with their family..
He was quickly distracted though when suddenly her conversation topic changed to something.. surprising, to say the least. While still rather down looking, there was obvious confusion in his expression. Have more cubs? Try again? It was.. almost impossible seeming an idea at that moment. And when she finished, Kiji only could sit and stare, speechless.
The lion tried to piece together a reply, before deciding he wouldn't even think about it until something was cleared up. Siku couldn't go on thinking she was to blame, they couldn't try again with her thinking that way, no matter how optimistic she was that she could fix whatever mistakes she imagined she had. Finally, he shook his head slowly. "Y-you aren't to blame, it's not your fault," he said finally, changing the subject back to the previous topic and the underlying issue, "I didn't mean whatever I said before, it's not your fault that J-jedi and Janja left. If it was going to happen, it was going to happen.."
Kiji was not the brightest of lions, but he had some logic- no matter how stutter-y it was.
"We.. they wou-" he tried, but couldn't get out what he was thinking, what he wanted to know. The one thing he couldn't figure out, where something had gone wrong, why the girls would leave without saying anything, why Ekevu would selfishly choose to leave now when they needed her.
"Did she say why, when- when she asked to leave?" Kiji mumbled finally, glancing at Siku's paws. Though he had not quite given an answer on the idea of more cubs, it was still on his mind, it was part of the drive behind the questioning. They needed to talk this through if they were going to move on, whether or not that meant trying again.
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 7:44 pm
Disappointment, failure, abandonment.. the list of things Siku felt guilt over went on and on. Sometimes, she would fall asleep replaying in her mind all of the mistakes she'd made in the past. And they were all her fault. Breathing deeply, Siku tried to shake the thought from her mind, but to no avail. This, too, had been a mistake. She shouldn't have spoken up about what SHE wanted, what HER idea was. After all the mistakes, the problems, she'd still brought it up.. how stupid was she? Flattening her ears once more, Siku drew her breath and looked to the ground in shame. How terrible of a lioness had she become, since their girls left?
Swallowing heavily, Siku shook her head. "I.. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought that up, after everything I've done." She spoke heavily into the uncomfortable silence, feeling as though she were meant to crawl into a hole and die. She really WAS that disgusting, then. Clawing into the dirt, she continued weakly. "I..it was stupid, on my part, and I shouldn't have even bothered you with the id-"
She had spoken this so quietly that Siku was caught off-guard at Kiji's interruption. Listening intently, her eyes first widened, followed by her staring intently at Kiji.. and crying. Genuinely caught off guard, her body was racked by sobs, nearly causing her to collapse to the ground. Leaning weakly against Kiji, she buried her face within his mane, trying to formulate a thought. A word. Something, ANYTHING she could say in response. It affected her more than it likely should've, but just.. hearing Kiji say that.. something in her was reacting. After crying a bit more, she finally calmed down, remaining in his mane a bit longer to dry the tears. Looking up, she managed a very weak smile.
"I.. just.. to hear you say that, K.. Kiji.. thank you." She mumbled quietly, still caught between crying and unmatched joy. She still believed it to be her fault, yes, but just Kiji's word that it wasn't.. it almost made it true. ANYTHING Kiji could tell her was true, in her world. The sky was green, the grass was blue.... if he told her it in genuine sincerity, she would believe him. And that thought alone made all the difference to her. But, maybe.. it wasn't entirely her fault? She'd made mistakes, but.. maybe fate HAD been working against them. And the girls' opinions, too.. their thoughts, ideas, actions.. she really couldn't have controlled all of them, could she? No. It was.. silly. It might've mostly been her fault, but she hadn't caused ALL of it.
"S..she.. figured it was fair, since Janja and Jedi had taken off.. that she was at least telling us, and going on her own way." Siku said flatly when Kiji asked, closing her eyes at the bitter memory. "I.. I'd told her we needed her, we weren't ready for her to leave.. and it angered her. Gods, Kiji, I'm so sorry, I.. I didn't know what else to do.."
Siku remained in thoughtful silence for some time, until looking up to Kiji once more. "But.. does your apology.. m..mean.." Siku turned to Kiji, looking him straight in the eyes. "Y..you might.. be willing to try again? O..or maybe consider it?"
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 9:05 pm
Kiji leaned in, resting his head on Siku again though his eyes remained on the ground, at her paws. He was hurt, trying to imagine all his little girls out there on their own. Not one saying goodbye to him, not one leaving on good terms.. Ekevu abandoning them when they still needed her, being selfish enough to go when they needed some kind of reassurance they were not horrible parents. Nothing in his mind could make up for that, it was inconsiderate, it was too much- Siku had proven that by how she'd reacted, and Kiji had admitted to likely reacting the same.
He closed his eyes, now just trying to calm down. He didn't want to think about how any of this had happened, didn't want to be so upset, didn't want to imagine that all of their girls couldn't trust them enough to talk to them properly before going..
"Y-you really want to try again?" he asked, finally opening his eyes and sitting back up, "W-we can't if we're going to keep blaming each other or ourselves for this.. we can't do it if we'll just keep comparing them.."
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 9:58 pm
"I.. I do. I... I'm not sure... what exactly.." she stammered lightly, intent on getting her thoughts out this time, "..went wrong, b..but... I want to try again. It may be hard, but.. we can figure it out. I want to try again, i.. if you do. And.. I'll move on, if you do." Siku smiled lightly, extremely hopeful that Kiji would agree. "W..we can do it, together, if we really work at it. I.. I believe in us, and more than that, I believe in you.."
They could be optimistic. There were mistakes made, and things said, and actions taken.. things she'd all take back, if possibly, but really.. they shaped her into who she was. And that was all she had, aside from Kiji, at the end of the day. And.. maybe that was what mattered?
"We're.. more experienced now. We know more.. what to do, what not to do.. I think we could work through it, if you want to."
Looking around, she paused momentarily.
"B..but, could we maybe.. discuss this in the den? I feel.. odd... being out here..." Siku added quietly, looking to the ground once more. It was too close to where she had fought Ekevu.
And lost her daughter.
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 10:24 pm
Kiji looked directly into Siku's eyes as she spoke, intent on keeping eye contact to show just sincere he was in what he said, in how he felt about this. He didn't want her to take any more blame, and the fact he could look her in the eye.. hopefully that showed he didn't blame her. It was hard, but only because it meant she might look back and he still felt horrible about having made her so upset.
Discussion sounded good, as did heading back to the den- so he nodded.
"Ok," he said, moving closer and nuzzling her lovingly, "Let's go."
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Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 10:30 pm
Returning the nuzzle equally as loving, Siku rose from her position and stretched lightly, managing a very weak smile at Kiji. She then turned and headed off in the direction of the den, moving at a slow pace to walk beside him.
"You know?" She called back lightly, pausing with a turn back to her mate. Light that hadn't been there for some time danced in her eyes, and she smiled.
"I haven't rested well in a long time, and.. I think I'm going to tonight."
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