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 Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 7:07 pm
Freewrite:
If you stay far away we wont hurt each other again.
If i keep my mind at bay then we can forget this burden.
my mind always goes back to places it shouldnt
i cant escape this dream.. a nightmare.
in a winter wonderland my thoughts stick out of the snow.
no camoflage here, i cant let go.
you were my escape, the reason i was the odd one out.
you and i were alike,one listened when the other would shout.
why did you do this tome?
why can't i ryme with out hating myself?
why cant i look at a plant the same?
some people said we were soo much alike.
dad, friend...why did you betray me?
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Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 10:53 pm
Very good, yet messy in some parts but it flowed well. You have potential.
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Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 7:59 am
That closing line hits hard.... Maybe It's because I'm not as close to my father as I'd like... any way Very nice poem over all but I have to agree with lunar, It does need cleaned up a bit.
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