Welcome to Gaia! ::

OH! AND I WON'T BE ONLINE FOR A WHILE! I'M GOING AWAY FOR CHRISTMAS!






Today I was sitting eating my lunch with these two girls Haley and Cassandra,
I don't know them very well but I couldn't find anyone else to sit with,
because Hailey and Michelle went out for lunch together,
without me,
again.
And I we were sitting in Ms. Duff's room.
Then Nina, AJ, and Rebecca walked in.
They have been best friends since grade 4.
And then Melynda came in looking for them and sat down with them,
and then Brittany came in and sat down with them.
And then they all exhanged presents,
and Rebecca got this CD and she put it into the CD player.
And I looked over,
and they all looked so...
happy.
Just to be there,
with each other,
like nothing else mattered,
except that they were all there,
together,
and they didn't care how they looked,
or how they acted,
that they could just be themselves,
together,
and be happy.
And... I've never felt that way with anyone.
Whenever I'm with my friends I have to look and act a certain way to fit in,
and when I'm with my family I have to act the complete opposite way.
And sometimes I have to act a certain way with certain friends,
and a different way with others.
And I just feel so,
confused.
I'm not myself,
but...
I'm just not anything else.
And I just feel like right now I could disappear,
and no one would notice.
Because I'm the side friend.
The friend you use when your best friend isn't there.
The girl that is sort of your friend,
but you could never love.
The girl that you see sometimes,
but you really don't care if you talk to her or not.
The girl that's alone,
in a world full of people.

Maybe it's just Christmas.
Because I miss my grandpa,
and my grandma is being her usual bitchy self,
telling me everything that is wrong with me,
and I just feel like I can't talk to my mom anymore.

My mom is ALWAYS harassing me about my hair.
She ALWAYS tells me when she doesn't like,
and lately I've been really self conscious about it.
And then she yells at me for taking forever to do my hair.
And finally when I get her to like, my sister tells me it looks bad.
And it's just so UUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Not to mention my weight.
Generally I'm okay with my weight.
But in order for you to understand so stuff, I need to explain my sister.
My sister is the person my parents expect me to be better then.
I have to get better grades than she did at my age to be happy,
I have to have friends just like she did at my age or else they don't like her.
I am always trying to live up to her standards.
And when my sister was my age, it was the ongoing joke that she was the twig of them family.
She could eat, and eat, and eat, and never gain an ounce. She was soooo skinny.
My mom ALWAYS called her a twig.
And then the other day I was talking to my mom after I had eaten and I said that I had eaten so much I felt fat.
And my mom said "Sam, your not that fat."
Not. That. Fat.
Not. That. Fat.
Not "Oh Sam, you're skinny"
No.
You're not that fat.
Again, I am held up to my sister.
Just because I'm not the exact weight she was,
I'm seen as "Not that fat" in my mother's eyes.
My mom will never love me as much as my sister.
Ever.

[/wallotext]

What you said about how you feel when you're with your friends, well, I used to feel the exact same way. And, I'm not going to say I'm "different" now or anything like that. But in 8th grade, I met this girl who changed how I felt. With her, I felt like I could be myself. And as our relationship deepened I became less shy (but I still am shy sweatdrop ) and I started acting more like myself. Sure, some people thought I was weird, but a lot of people accepted me for who I am. In fact... it made people notice me more. Because I wasn't just a "drone" or something. I wasn't "just there" anymore. I'm not sure if there's really anything to do when you're in that situation.. but I believe that one day someone will come who will complete you and open your eyes to the real you. (Or something)

I'm in 10th grade now, and I recently moved to Japan. I was scared because I felt I might return to how I used to feel before I met my best friend in 8th grade. I thought "Oh no, now I have to start all over again... I don't have her with me and I'm going to be alone again." But the difference she made in me is permanent. I'm more comfortable around people now, and when that happens... you begin to meet people who you can relate to in a lot of things you never knew anyone could share with you. That's when you get those good feelings you saw in those three friends that day at lunch.

I don't know if this will help you... I guess I kinda took what you said and rambled on from that. sweatdrop

But now for the other part. I wouldn't say that your mother loves your sister more than she loves you... but it seems that she doesn't think of you as... well, you. She doesn't recognize you for who you are. Maybe you should show her... just talk to her. Tell her exactly how you feel.
I don't know if that will necessarily fix things, but it's always good to let her know...

When you can tell your mother anything, then... well, it's a wonderful feeling. I've reached that part of a relationship with my mom. Um.... I hope what I said makes any sense to you. >_<

You had at me at Hello.