((This is just a little novelization of the daydream that started the one character I've probably put the most thought into ever(gotta love scifi). It's going to be a bit ridiculous at times since, hey, visual, aural, and tactile manifestations of impulses from the subconscious, but I'll try to keep it as reasonable as I can. Enjoy~!))


Ye gods, what a day.

I turn and pull out the key from the ignition, giving the relieved sigh of my Prius half a mind as I climb out. Ah, the Carousel Center, my second home! ...when I have money, of course. The wide, expansive form of the shopping complex spans out across my field of vision, dotted with lights and store insignias that glow in the fading sunlight. Always as inviting as ever, even through the masses of people filing in and out through the nearest double doors.

It's a bit odd to see the place so crowded, though I don't usually come here on Saturday and it's that time of the year -- you know, the time where all the stores have outrageous price cuts to get everyone to cut each other's throats to take advantage of them first -- but thankfully it isn't hard to move around. Smells a bit(like capitalism), but still as pleasant as ever.

...

Except for the elevators. Crowds mean people crowded in elevators, and look at that, all four of them are ready to burst with masses more waiting for their turn to ride.

Sigh. My annoyed gaze drifts off to the nearby escalator. Immediately, predictably, my heart skips a few beats and my brain screams "nay!" as I take paces towards the sinuous device. That sinister humming, the way it mercilessly goes through its motions, that staggering height to cross on the damned abomination of technology...

... Nope, elevators still stuffed.

Damn it. Okay, just hop on, cling to the rail for dear life -- oh god the rail moves too -- that's it, it's all right, ignore the weird looks oh god the top JUMP

...whew. Crisis averted. (NOTE: This part is sadly true. I have this irrational fear of escalators, it sucks and it's embarrassing. crying ) Alrighty, second floor: overpriced restaurants, overpriced arcades, and... ah, why not, Spencer's Gifts ahoy! It's not a long walk, just a straight run past Hot Topic, FYE , and a few other places I never go and thus don't care to remember.

Uh... huh. Weird, it's packed here too, but everyone's huddled near the back. Looking around, there's no indication of anything special, not even sale banners plastered on the windows like half the other places. Hmm. Curious, I sidle my way around the rightmost aisle, trying to pick up on whatever I can hear in the mass cacophony of conversation.

"Ah, c'mon, how smart can you be? You don't even have legs!"

"Yeah, that may be, but at least I'm more upstanding than you."

"Ooh, burn!" "Oh snap!" "Hahaha! Hoo! oh man... 'upstanding', this thing slays me!"

...right you are, then, have fun with your oh-so-wonderful insult machine. I slip into the far room as quickly as possible before I'm subjected to any more horrible puns. It's a fairly dark little side room, just wide enough to fit me in shoulder-to-shoulder, and just happens to have the coolest point-of-sale setup I've ever seen: It's a terminal with a touch screen linked to an online music store, but has the good grace to have full-length samples of albums and wonderful studio-grade headphones to listen through. Totally automated, too, always a nice touch.

With a relieved sigh, I slump into the generic steel folding chair, tap an arbitrary place on the screen, and slip on the headphones. The sweet sounds of Tenacious D flow gracefully from the speakers held lovingly around my ears, stealing away my senses and immersing me in the full glory of satirical song...

And we played the first thing that came to our heads,
Just so happened to be
The best song in the world,
It was the best song in the world~

Look into my eyes and it's easy to see
One and one make two,
Two and one make three,
It was destiny!

Once every hundred thousand years or so...

...

History of Wonderboy and Young Nastyman,
(Riggah-goo-goo, riggah-goo-goog)
A secret to be told, a gold chest to be bold,
And blasting forth with three-part harmony, go!
Wonderboy, what is the secret of your power?
Wonderboy, won't you take me far away from that mucky-muck man?

When Wonderboy and Young Nastyman joined forces,
They formed a band the likes of which had never been seen!
And they called themselves Tenacious D,
That's right, me! And KG!
(That's me!)
We're - now - Tenaaa~aaacious Deee~hee!
Come fly with me, FLY!

...


And then seriously, you must stop,
Or penalties will be created and enforced.

Cause listen...
This is the problem...

Sometimes you follow your heart,
sometimes your heart cuts a fart.
That's the cosmic shame.

That's the cosmic shame.

And I know what you are saying now,
what makes you guys so ******** good?

I don't ********' know,
and I don't like it!

I stay up going ******** can't everybody ********' have it?

Cause this is the thi--


My eyes snap open, my hands automatically pry off the headphones. I sit up from my nice new vantage on the tiled floor and wonder just how long I've been asleep. The room is much darker now, lit only by the pale white pallor of the LCD monitor behind me -- oh wait, nevermind, that went out too. I heave myself to my feet with a sigh, straighten my effects, and hop on out of that tiny alley.

...

Wow, yeah, I must've passed right out. It's so dark, so quiet, so... empty, it's pretty unnerving. Really unnerving, god I hope I'm not locked in! I make a break for the entrance, moving as fast as I can through the tiny maze of thin passages. There's the door, right there! I dart through it--

CRASH!

...Through it--

BANG!

...THROUGH it--

give it up, the gate's down you twit

...no. No way. Unbelieving, I bring my hands before me, watching my fingers furl around cold steel bars. I... I am locked in. I pull up with all my might, but the shutter's down and locked, rooted firmly to the floor.

"No, no no no, open, it has to be open!" I pull a few more times, heart racing, mind reeling with the gravity of the situation. "Open! OPEN, DAMN IT!" No way, I can't be locked in, no way, this has to be some demented nightmare! I feel myself pounding on the shutter, tearing my larynx to shreds with desperate screams. "HELP ME!"

oh god, i'm stuck here, i'm stuck here, the police are going to find me, i'm gonna be arrested oh god someone help me

someone... anyone...

"Hey!"

I give the bars a few more pathetic pounds, wailing with everything I have, everything I'm sure to lose.

"Hey you~!"

...huh? The call barely makes it past the sound of my own cries. "Wh-who's there?!"

"Over here, in the back!" A waving hand peeks out from around the furthest shelf. Stumbling, shaking, I manage to stand and shuffle my way toward the far wall. Waiting there, waving curtly, happens to be a dashing young, blonde(and shirtless) man, can't be much older than twenty, looking up at me in something between concern and--wait wait wait, hold on here. I swing back around the shelf, wipe my glasses clean, and take another look.

The only change is that he's passing me a sideways glance with a cocked brow. "You alright? You were being a little loud with the whole 'screaming for dear life' thing." He grins slyly, something that doesn't last long as I drop to my knees in sheer disbelief. It's at this point that I notice that, darkness be damned, this guy doesn't seem to exist below the waist -- though the half that does exist definitely deserves to -- and has kind of an odd tinniness to his voice as he continues, "Really, are you okay? You don't look too great."

Just the shift from 'perky smart-alec' to 'worried citizen' is enough to tug at my heart-strings, never mind the fact that he really does look worried about my well-being. I slump helplessly against the shelf and settle myself across from him. "Well, I... I just passed out earlier and I lost track of time and I'm here and I'm locked in god I'm gonna be arrested for trespassing my life is over..."

A light pat on the shoulder brings me out of my renewed fit of sobbing. "C'mon, it can't be that bad, right?" I notice a faint... whirring, I guess you could call it, some odd little sound that happens to reach my ears as he brings his arm back to his side. "Who's going to arrest you over being accidentally locked in a novelty store overnight?"

"It's not just that, this is trespassing, and they're probably going to think I've been shoplifting, too!" I sniffle a bit too loudly and wipe away some lingering tears. "That's like, three years at least!"

"But it's an accident, right? Couldn't you just explain that to them?"

If only it were that easy. I shake my head and try to peer back toward the door, but feel somehow compelled to keep my attention in front of me. "After being in here all night? Only a total idiot would believe that."

That sly grin again. "Takes one to know one!"

oh great there goes the waterworks again "Excuse me?"

I guess it took him a moment to realize what he just did, telling by the way he almost melts into the back wall, waving in frenetic dismissal. "I didn't mean it, really! I'm sorry!" He glances at the floor for a moment, then looks at me again with definite regret. "I've just been doing this act for so long without any deviation that I guess I've taken it too literally."

Another sniffle and I soak my other sleeve. "Act?" ...hey, wait a second! "So you mean, that horrible pun I heard earlier, that... that was you?"

"Hm? Which one, I never commit them to memory."

"The one about being upstanding, something like that?"

He crosses his arms and stays silent a second, standing maybe a bit too still. "Oh! Yeah, that one was pretty bad. You heard that?"

Despite myself, I manage a smile. "Me and everyone else in the room. I'm willing to bet some people outside caught it too."

"Hey now," he starts with what I swear is a pout, "It wasn't that bad!"

Much to my surprise, I actually giggle a bit. "You sure about that? It was so corny, I was gagging!"

"Now that's just not fair." Again, though maybe a bit irrationally, I lapse into a full-on paroxysm of laughter. It's another minute or so before I recover, clutching my stomach, and manage to regain eye contact with him. Even through a light haze of tears(of joy this time, who'd have thought?) I can make out the relief on his face. Was he really that concerned? "Since you're obviously feeling better, mind telling me your name? It's a bit awkward going back and forth like this without at least knowing."

"Mary," I reply, offering the hand I'm not using to clean my glasses for the umpteenth time. He takes it and we shake in greeting, though I find his end of the gesture a little cold and clammy -- honestly, it wasn't even that weird, my hands got cold all the time, though his just happened to be colder than mine at the time.

"You can call me Jace," he starts, breaking the handshake, "The whole thing's long and clunky, kind of a mouthful to be saying in normal conversation."

'Whole thing?' That's a weird thing to mention. "It's longer than that?" Kind of intrusive, I know, but I just can't help it, it is a weird thing to say.

"Well, yeah, but it breaks the mood if I say the whole thing. Doesn't help with the whole 'suspension of disbelief' thing." There's a moment of silence. I look at him questioningly, which cues him to peer off to the side for a moment before almost wincing and glancing back at me. "But that doesn't matter when I go and break the wall myself, does it?"

I can't help but smile. "Not really. So I guess you can tell me everything now that the moment's gone, right?" He resigns a nod and that little whirr from earlier becomes a lot more obvious. As if trying to look professional, he straightens his posture and rests his hands, clasped, just in front of his waist.

"The name 'Jace' is a phonetic of the acronym that's shorthand for my full title." Title? Man, this one's gonna be a doozy. "In the most technical terms, 'I' am the current revision of the Jointed Artificial Intelligence System acting on a specially-developed platform to make interacting with others easier. Like I said before, the whole 'bad pun machine' thing was an act, just a front that would draw attention, and if it's my place to say, it was actually working pretty well! But it was still a tacky idea in the end, I suppose."



...

...wh--...

"Mary?" ...what... but... how... "Hello~? Anyone in there?"

...what year is this again? "I'm not sure I could say it any simpler, I haven't come up with a way to explain it any differently, but you get the idea, right?"

"...I..." Way to stumble over your words there, say something! Something intelligible! "So... you're a robot?" Oh, great move there.

"Basically." I shake my head for what seems like forever, totally and utterly failing to comprehend what just happened. This guy, this totally normal, casual man (albeit shirtless) that shook me out of my hopeless reverie and got me to actually talk in a situation like this just happens to be my deepest, most secret fantasy come true? "You okay? You've been shaking your head for the past five minutes."

"Oh, yeah, yes, I'm fine. It's just... a lot to take in."

It was his turn to look surprised, or some facsimile of it. "Really? I didn't even say that much, did I?"

"No, it's a personal thing." All the times I'd ever wondered what it would be like to have computers that could understand and express emotion, feel love, and even look like humans... I never, ever expected anything to come this close. Granted, he wasn't perfect -- he doesn't even have legs, for crying out loud -- but the way he emoted, the way he spoke, all those little things I noticed but took for granted slap me in the face all at once in an epiphany of massive... no, epic proportions. "You're... you're really... I mean, you're sure you're not a guy working for a hidden camera show or something? You're the real thing?"

Jace quirks a brow, seeming thoughtful. "I'm not sure what you mean by 'the real thing', but I can safely say that I stand by my earlier statement. There wouldn't be a reason to lie about that."

I swallow around the growing knot in my throat, shifting around against the shelf under an uncertain weight. Of course he wouldn't lie, computers don't lie, but... this is different, isn't it? Earlier, he was coming up with timely, contextual insults on the fly with no trouble at all, and who's to say he isn't just a really convincing actor hired specifically to make me think he's an advanced android driven by an equally advanced AI? Wait, no, that's stupid, no one would do that to someone like me, me of all people. I'm not important enough for that and no one I know would have the money, the heart, or even the knowledge to set this up.

This... this is it, then. This is the real thing, and it's staring me in the--...well, okay, he isn't staring me in the face right now. In fact, he looks a little... regretful? "See, this is the sort of thing I was set up out here to fix. Things get so awkward when it comes time to pull out the self-introduction routine, and whatever conversation I might have been having comes to a standstill, just like this." He shakes his head a bit, bringing that faint orchestra of coordinated mechanisms my way again. "I can't figure out what causes it. Is it me? Is it the people I talk to? I don't understand it."

Finally able to squeeze out a few words around the massive flurry of activity my mind's engaged in, I carefully scoot forward close enough to put my hand on his shoulder. "It's not you, really."

"But this has happened before, how can you be so sure?" It might just be me, but there's a glimmer of hope in those glassy green eyes of his, lit perfectly by the faint moonlight filtering in from the hall's skylight.

"I can't be. I'm not even sure what I'm talking about." I fail to repress a confused grin and let my hand slip lazily off Jace's shoulder, but not off him completely. Noting this, he places his hand on my own, looking at it in some amount of interest. "But I know that I've seen a lot of other attempts at this sort of thing and none of them even come close to you. If it's anything, it's just that you're a little ahead of your time."

Apparently my statement was evocative enough to get him really churning bits, something made obvious in the way he stilled almost eerily coupled with another hushed cacophony of little mechanical workings, this time more akin to a hard drive working, but still fundamentally different somehow. "Ahead of my time, huh?" His eyes meet mine and a shiver runs through me at the mere thought of hearing what came next. "That's a new one. It's even a bit likely, when I think about it."

((holy s**t okay, more coming when it's not 2:45 AM @.x Which is impressive considering I started picking at this around 9 PM. I'll edit in any additions after this, so if you want to post a comment or critique, or even just mock my irrational fear of escalators, feel free!))