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 Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 4:23 pm
Okeedokie, here's my dilemma:
My sons are 4 and they have a friend they love that we (hubby and I) are not fond of. Yep, we consider it a milestone and it has been dutifully recorded!
He is malicious ("yes, I want Alex and Max to cry."; "when you come over to my house I'm going to hit you like this!" demonstration ensues on the back of the seat in front of him; "I've got your toy and I'm going to throw it away" promptly hides/loses toy; you get the idea) Yes, said child just turned 5 and family is going through minor trauma: losing favorite dog because neighbor lied to judge regarding the dog's actions and of course the parents must get rid of dog or be hauled off to jail. Yes, I see the psychological issues: child is angry terrified of losing dog and parents, cannot/does not know how to express, etc.
But the real dilemma is that the mother thinks this is perfectly normal behavior. The father is at his wits end with the mother's permissive ways. Yep, she allows the kid to beat on her, but the dad would never do that to her. blah, blah, blah, you get the idea
Now she is pissy with me because I gave her son a week long "time out"/separation from my sons. She claims he has a good heart (which, surprisingly, he does. a generous spirit, too.) why would we be so mean to him, he cried for 2 days (hmmm... cried or tantrum? because I've seen him throw a rip roaring tantrum over not wanting to share)
I explained to her that it took me a week to figure out where his anger was coming from, said all the above explanations, did my best to placate her, but she's having none of it.
Question: do I try to take my twins to her house to play with her son next week or let it go? I went through the "beating up mommy" stage 2 years ago and cut that crap out real quick. Do I try to help her since she has asked for my help in the past?
I love the boy and family despite his maliciousness and know all the reasons for it but I hate to see the boys (all three of them) so sad. Well..actually my boys have had a grand good time playing nicely... stare
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Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 12:44 pm
My first response to this sort of child interacting with my kids is "Oh he is hurt, how can I fix him, how can I make it better," but as my sister learned with my nephews' friend who had issues, you cant fix people and you risk hurting your own kids if you try. Every situation is different but remember that your kids can make other friends and unfortunately it sounds like the parents of the child acting out may need a wake up call to curb their son's negative behavior.
In my sister's similar situation her sons' first friend who lived down the street would take the boys toys, and overall torture them as much as possible. He was going through alot so my sister let him get away with more. One day after a visit my sister asked her older son why he let his friend treat him that way. My nephew said "because he's my best friend that's how friends are supposed to be." My sister then realized that this bad experience tho it was not immediately hurting her sons was providing a bad example of friendship that might affect her son later on. She restricted visits and told the child's parents her concerns, the boys are no longer friends, but now my nephews have other friends and my older nephew (by 1 year) says, when asked, that he doesn't think his first friend was a very good friend or he wouldn't have done those mean things.
I hope this helps. Maybe the friendship can be saved and the little boy will get better, but if not your kids will definitely get more friends in the future.
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Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 2:20 pm
thank you! you know, I talked to my sister whose kids are now grown and she told me the same thing: "you can't fix someone else's kids; it's not your responsibility and she already resents your interference. don't walk; run away from these people, this is a safety issue for your children."
Honestly, whatever these people choose to do in their bedroom/house is their personal thing, but hitting is not considered an acceptable show of affection in our society. save that for when they are older; i'm sure someone out there is into the s&m for him to relate to!
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Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 9:20 pm
I'll have to drag my Mom back in here, she's got loads of story about trying to help friends who end up hurting her children... sweatdrop
It's true you can't parent somone else's child/ren. It's not your responsibility and where this boy's mother resents your comments it sounds like a bad situation all together.
Speaking of the Mommy hitting though, how did/do you deal with that? Kay was never really a hitter. Once she understood it hurt she didn't do it. Owie was enough for her, she's very sensitive to other's feelings.
With El though I'm at my wit's end as to how to get it though to her that hitting hurts and is not acceptable. I've done time outs I've tried talking to her (I know she understands more than she can say). Once I even went so far as to hit her back trying to get her to understand that it "owies" at this she just laughed and hit me again—okay that was quite obviously a bad idea! sweatdrop
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Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 10:05 am
I had that exact problem with alex a couple of years ago! I explained that this is not a cartoon (we had long since said "ouch! that hurts!" while tom & jerry cartoons) so he understood. But then he would laugh and I would explain that is not acceptable and warned him I would leave. He gave me the smile of "what are you gonna do about it?" as he hit me again. I got up without another word and walked away. he chased after me and I put him in a time out without speaking and walked out of the house. he got the message all right!: No one will want to hang out with him if he hits them. hitting hurts in more ways than one. Kids will test their limits with you until they move out of the house at 18! sometimes even longer... sad
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Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 4:16 pm
Well things are starting to go better, instead of going with the "no" or "owie" approach we've been teaching her "soft." When she hits I touch her face softly and say "soft" I then hold her hand and help her touch my face "soft." We're doing the same thing when she hits sister. We're trying to teach her to be soft with people.
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Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 3:22 am
That's great news Jen!
Oh! and we started to get them to apologize before they could speak. If 1 twin made the other cry, we took the offending twin's hand and taught them to caress the other and say "I'm sorry". So after he hit me, he had to apologize to me.
Our boys have been apologizing to everyone including the dog and cat! We taught them to take responsibility for their actions. If they broke something, they needed to fix it, be it a toy (with help from mom and dad) or a heart.
We've also had no issues with apologizing to them. If I bumped into them or knocked them over, I would immediately apologize.
And isn't there enough violence in the world? Do we really need our kids to hit each other then their friends, then their spouses?
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Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 5:27 pm
Thanks. <3
It makes things much more pleasant around here.
So true. Mom and dad definetly should not be "above the law."
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Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 5:37 pm
I think we would all like to make the world a better/safer place for everyone we meet and know. Once you become a parent, though, you have to remember who you are most responsible for and go from there. Think about if the situation is negatively impacting your own child/children and if so - take care of them. If it is not and they are strong enough and not endangered by the situation, then you can take a little time to help teach some comapssion and how to help. Having children is all about teaching and leading. But if you can't help in a particular situation then you should explain why to your child/ren so they can think for themselves later on in life. Charity begins at home and the more homes that have the same rules yours does, the easier it will be to enforce them in your own home.
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