|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Fri Nov 16, 2007 6:19 am
This is a song that I came up with this summer, and I wanted to write it down.
This is the chorus of the end of worlds,
The choir of little girls,
Singing of the end of days,
Preaching against human ways.
They're yelling out at the top of their lungs,
Like they're about to be hung,
But yet our dependence on gasoline,
Drowns out their little screams.
Our leaders, they can hear them,
But they choose to ignore,
They make up the truth,
And they choose who it's for,
So we continue in ignorance,
Living on in fake innocence,
But if we just listened harder,
We'd find out we won't be martyred.
Just because the thought of change,
Puts us out of human range,
We continue on the path of destruction,
Not thinking that we could do somethin'
To stop the horrid events from occurring,
To stop them from lying and reassuring,
To make them little prophets sleep peaceful,
To make ourselves a little less evil.
The chorus is a warning,
To our fragile little minds,
To stop this global warming,
And save our own behinds.
Comments and critiques please.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 5:51 am
......although the meaning behind the poem can be understood and well accepted, the rhyme scheme seems to be a bit sketchy...... certain words have different stress compared to the words you use to rhyme with......
...but this in turn is dependent on the word structure you chose which (in my mind as I read) dictates the speed of the wording, which changes the stress of the poem......
I understand that for this poem if you change any of the wording, there may be the possibility that you could alter the meaning of the poem, or have to change the entire poem in order to gain the same meaning.......so overall...
OverlordMMM's rating: 7/10......
....hope this helps...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 2:16 pm
Yes, it does, thank you. I'm glad it got such a high score sweatdrop .
But, yeah, It really has to be heard I guess... i've got this wonderful rhythm in my head that goes perfectly with it, but I don't think that can really be heard over text, now can it? XP
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 5:15 pm
....high score?....since when is 7 a high score?....isn't it usually considered average?........If I give a score a 5 or below usually it needs a lot of work....and if its below 4, then its has very little value.....
I judge on feelings and how well they are conveyed as well as how it is written......so if a poem has very little passion behind it, that poem better have perfection in its presentation for me to give it above a 7.5......
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 5:53 pm
Since I can't really judge the rythem of the peice, I'll just assume you know how to work in that, the tempo, and whatnot.
As for the message, I LOVE it! There's nothing better than music that actually has a message behind it... and this is a message that people need to pay more attention to!
Unfortunately the grassroots movement against global warming is not catching on quickly enough...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 9:49 pm
Well, thanks alot, and I completely agree, (which Is why I wrote the song... to get out my frustration at the government for shunning the environment).
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
