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dragontamer363
Crew

PostPosted: Thu Oct 25, 2007 12:01 pm


I'm trying to write a sci-fi/fantasy novel and every now and again I come up with disjointed chunks of writing i slot in later, but i'd like critique on (in that I wonder if it inetrests you, if it flows etc)...anaaanyway- would you lot mind reaidng this little chunk of writing and tell me what you think? I was really trying to be imaginative in this description/scene and I'd love to see what you think wink

Ok- context:

Death (as in the grim reaper) and Tyran (one of my lead characters) have entered Death's subconcious in order to search his internal books of souls for the 'amulet holders'. Death is unable to store all the countless reams of information conciousnessly (as in memeory) so has to enter his divine subconcious to find them, you see smile
Anyways, since it's inside Death's mind, there aren't any limits.


Enjoy! biggrin


(c) to me, obviously - as if I need to say it lol

Quote:



It seemed that it was all made from liquid; fluid and pulsating. A great sheet of water stretched out in front of them, as calm and clear as air. Around them, Tyran got the impression that they were in some great cavern, although there were no walls. Instead, the cavernous feel came from the unique quality of light – as if the whole vast space was only lit by a dim inner glow, absent of any penetrating daylight. All seemed empty but for the expanse of water; nevertheless, Tyran could sense movement all around him and out of sight.
Death took a step forwards onto the water and it rippled as if no more than a left had touched it, leaving the surface unbroken. Noting Tyran’s hesitance, Death nodded towards it.
“Come on. You won’t sink yet.”
“Yet?” Tyran frowned and followed, glad that his weight was equally supported by the water.
As they walked, it seemed that their surroundings shifted and changed around them, as if in a few steps they had traversed miles. Tyran grew aware of an eerie trickling sound. Far above his head, a single water droplet dropped down through the air, landing with a pure ‘drip’ on the water. As the ripples spread, Tyran could see far below them into the depths of the ocean. Shining below were fractured lights of purples yellows, greens and blues.
“What’s down there?” he asked. When he directed his eyes back up to the rest of the cavern, the scenery had changed again.
The two were still stood on their still ocean, but this time they were not alone. Far above their heads – stretching for what seemed thousands of miles into the endless dark sky – were floating mountains of crystal. They were rocky, but held rough cut gemstones of purple, yellow, green and blue nestled within them. Tyran realised that the lights deep beneath him must be more of these disembodied stalactites. All of the amazing structures were very slowly orbiting, but around what Tyran had no idea.
“This is it.” Death gave a small smile.
“This is what?”
“The library.”
Dumbfounded, Tyran continued to stare up at the glowing masses of rock. He tried to figure out how many of these structure there were – but it all seemed endless.
“If this really is a library then where are all the books?” Tyran eventually asked.
“Inside the rocks – in the cracks and such. They are there, believe me.”
“But...you can’t find the amulet holders in all of this – it’s infinite!”
“Not quite infinite. One book per life. Be patient.” Death stretched and closed his eyes. “Now...”
For a while nothing happened, but then the oceans began to sire and bubble beneath them. Tyran resisted the urge to cling to Death for fear of sinking and stood firm. A little way from him, the shifting water began to rise up in a thin pillar, growing up vertically into the sky. Following it, thousands of other similar shafts edged up also. They climbed up and up and Tyran saw that each seemed destined for one of the crystal structures. Once they touched the base they split off into vein like branches, covering the structures and crawling with a disturbing sentience over their surfaces. Tyran was surrounded by a forest of water, and the eerie dripping had turned into a hiss.
“Death?” he turned to him when he didn’t respond. The demi-god remained in deep concentration – his eyes closed and his teeth gritted.
The glow of everything above and below him increased and grew brighter, until the ocean under his feet was boiling and the hiss of the sentient water was at fever pitch.
“Death!” Tyran cried out.
“There.”
Suddenly all the pillars of water crumbled back to droplets and came raining down on the two. The glowing dulled, and all was quiet again. Death smiled in triumph, his body beginning to slowly decompose in response to the energy he had spent.
“ I have found their books.”
PostPosted: Thu Oct 25, 2007 4:39 pm


You write very well! I'd love to read a book of yours if you decide to try getting published~ >w<

I really love how much you described everything. Very vivid~ Though it did seem a smidge awkward right after Tyran said, "What's down there?" I can't quite place my finger on it (and it may be just me), but it just seems like there's part of a sentence missing between that and the rest of the paragraph, or something... I don't know. Maybe it could be smoothed out a smidge? sweatdrop

Moonlit Star


dragontamer363
Crew

PostPosted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 3:16 am


Moonlit Star
You write very well! I'd love to read a book of yours if you decide to try getting published~ >w<

I really love how much you described everything. Very vivid~ Though it did seem a smidge awkward right after Tyran said, "What's down there?" I can't quite place my finger on it (and it may be just me), but it just seems like there's part of a sentence missing between that and the rest of the paragraph, or something... I don't know. Maybe it could be smoothed out a smidge? sweatdrop


Cool, I kinda see what you mean there - maybe I should slot in a little more description or soemthing - I'll fiddle around with it and see.
Glad you liked it smile
PostPosted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 9:21 am


you know i cant be bothered to read it sis ^_^ lol

i feal bad now coz i put no in the poll as a joke, but im the only one lol, now i feal realy bad, if i couold take it back i would , but i cant ^_^

saiyai

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dragontamer363
Crew

PostPosted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 1:33 pm


saiyai
you know i cant be bothered to read it sis ^_^ lol

i feal bad now coz i put no in the poll as a joke, but im the only one lol, now i feal realy bad, if i couold take it back i would , but i cant ^_^


*whacks you with stick* Dude stop skrewing with the polls! > sad
lol

*whacks with stick again* and it's a short bit of writing too- where's the support? evil razz lol

Honestly xd
PostPosted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 8:13 am


smile From the limited lead in you gave, the storyline seems to be a good one. There are some spelling errors, but not a lot. The writing is very descriptive and vivid, I liked it. I would try for some more dialogue between you characters, Tyran and Death. Death seems a little secondary to the scene you've set up. It is his subconscious, after all. Good job. Keep up the good work.

Quirky1

High-functioning Fairy


Azal_Son of Anubis

PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 5:52 pm


Pretty sweet. I like it. The fact that your in the HEAD of Death himself amazes me. That is one imagination you have. I would like to know more about this. Is Death evil? why do you need the amulet?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 4:40 pm


Azal_Son of Anubis
Pretty sweet. I like it. The fact that your in the HEAD of Death himself amazes me. That is one imagination you have. I would like to know more about this. Is Death evil? why do you need the amulet?


Thanks biggrin
When i try to wirte angels, I write them fairly 'human' in many ways - with more 'normal' peronslaities etc. I figure dthat, like any being, the amount fow aht they can keep in their memroy is limited, but- by their very nature- what an angel/demon/god knows is almost limitless (even transcending time). So all this infinate information is stored deep in their subconsious, and they can access it by entering their own mind and epxloring it for teh answers.information they need.
Genrally spekaing (when in normal day-to-day life) a lot of an angel./demon/god's way fo thinking is guided by intuition and feeling.


Death here isn't evil: far from it in fact smile If you look on my 'angel encyclopedia'
(as I knw you have, cos you left me such a lovely comment - thankyou by the way)
you can find him and his bio. Death is Adam.
At this point in the story, Tyran (who's viepoint its wirtten form at the moment) knows very little about Death. They first 'met' because Tyran's boss summoned him to give him a prophecy. then they met when Tyran was in hospital and Death saved someone from dying. Now Death has persuaded Tyran to look for the AmuletHolders (therefore uses his subconsious to find them). Tyran still thinks of Death as a demon, and doesn't trust him. After all, the guy's pretty scary looking most of the time -lol
BUta s teh story goe son we learn more about Death, learn that his rela name is 'Adam' and see he's actually a good guy ^_~


As for the 'Amulets'.....that's a really long story-lol
Baiscally it pans out like this:

*In the war on heaven Adam opened the gates of heaven and let teh dormant eveil out. This infected the galaxy and Satan was 'created' as demiGod of evil. From that point on, God and satan were always fighting a silent war over whetehr the galaxy will be tipped towards good or evil.
*Fate (a mysterious diety that is rumorued to have created God Himself) created 5 amulets. These, when gathered together by the right people, have the power to redress teh balance in the universe so that only Good will have control...or only Evil.
*however, the amulets can only be activated by some specific people. on the side of good tehre are a group of 5 who must owrk togetehr. One the side of evil, there is only 1 - Tyran's old boss.
--> Tyran met Death when his boss summoned teh demigod in order to learn about teh amulets. Death also indicated that tyran was one of these group of 5 'amulet holders'.
--> So Tyran and Death need ot find the other amulet holders. Since neither know wher ethey are, Death enetr shis subconcious to find their Life Books and find out who they are.

dragontamer363
Crew


AdrianaKitten

PostPosted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 5:21 am


Wowz. Lovely descriptions. I think you are a very talented writer. Keep going! >_<
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~~*Writers Sanctuary*~~

 
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