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The Reality Behind It All

Disclaimer: Don't own KH

Intro: Remember how you drooled over your favorite character? Well, wait until you see it in their perspective! From tragic stupidity to mere embarrassment, everyone is going to suffer just a little. HUMOR!

Sephiroth was a light sleeper. From his bedroom he could hear the telephone ringing off the hook. The best way to solve this would be to unplug the damn thing, but that would cause his cell phone to start ringing. With a grumble he got out of bed and went to his phone, picking it up tiredly.

“Hello?”

“Sephiroth! I just found a great movie deal for you.”

Sephiroth shuddered at the thought of going back into his crazy behavior of caffeine and sedatives. Ohh, it was such a horrible mix on him.

No, he was not falling for another one of those things. It took him weeks to fix that problem.

“I’m not participating in anymore movies, thanks.”

“Well what about a commercial?”

“No?”

“A video game!”

“…no.”

“Oh come on, don’t be such a party pooper. Everyone loves an evil villain.”

“Why do I have to be the villain?”

“Because when you first came here that’s what they portrayed you as, and no one is ever going to think you’re the nice guy.”

“Well, that’s good to know. Maybe I’ll just stay here in my house until I die.”

“But Sephiroth! Just imagine the glory you can get with the kids!”

“I don’t want anymore fans.”

“Come on, it’ll be good. Just think of it like this: Square Enix meets Disney.”

Sephiroth almost dropped the phone.

Disney?

Was this guy shitting him?

“What am I supposed to do, stab Winnie the Pooh? Come on, I’d make children CRY.”

“No no, you’re in a battle scene-“

Sephiroth spaced off and remembered all of his glorious battles in his own games he had to star in. Cloud was in them, too. And he remembered that Zack guy and some chick. Yeah. Those were the good days.

“When does this whole thing come into play?”

“In a month. Are you interested?”

“Sure.”

It couldn’t be that bad, right?

A month passed by and Sephiroth was finally leaving his house. Big deal, right?

Obviously.

A swarm of rabid girls were outside his electric fence trying to get in. A few zapping noises went off as he heard people getting fried. It almost always put a smile on his face. With a bored expression he got into his car and drove off past the swarm running over a few. It wasn’t like they’d sue him or anything.

As he stopped his car at the right location after asking directions at least five times because the town he lived in was too ******** up to actually exist on a real map, he noticed that there was indeed Disney characters mixed in with Final Fantasy. Should he have even agreed to this?

“Sephiroth! You’re here, I didn’t think you’d remember.”

Sephiroth’s eyes landed on a stout man with greasy hair and glasses. He had to be some type of cardiac patient, especially with how purple his face was. It was the first time he worked with this director, but it probably wouldn’t be the last. Especially since his normal director went off the deep end and did a flying kick off a mountain to prove he was Superman.

Yeah, he survived…not.

“Hmm.”

“Would you like to meet the stars? They’re quite the fans of Final Fantasy! And they’re owned by Square Enix, original characters for the game!”

“Oh goodie.”

He wasn’t the least bit enthused. Seriously, he had met everyone in the freaking industry, what was he supposed to do? Jump for joy each time a new person was invented? Yeah, right.

“This way, Sephiroth!”

He followed the man with a bored expression. This was not going to be worth his time, was it?

“Here they are. This is Sora, Riku, and Kairi. Of course, you three have heard of Sephiroth from Final Fantasy 7.”

They all said hi. Sephiroth felt dumb. Why was he agreeing to this again?

Kairi smiled at Sephiroth, “Hey, Seph, can you do that awesome theme music thing you always do? You know, whenever you show up it’s blasting and the chorus is screaming your name and such! I love that! Can you do it? Like right now?”

Sephiroth stared. What a moron. No one could possibly think that he was some battery operated person who just produced music from his body like a radio. And if they did…reality check…he was human, not some…flying crazed guy who thought a severed head was his Mother.

“No because that’s just part of the game…I don’t actually have a theme song that turns on every time I arrive…that’d be stupid.”

“Oh, come on I know you can do it! Just turn your angsty side on or something!”

“W-what? Angsty?”

Riku yawned, “When are we supposed to be starting this thing?”

Sora scoffed as he pulled out three cigarettes and smoked them at once, “How the ******** hell am I supposed to know?”

What the hell, wasn’t this kid like…12 or something and he was smoking? Was that even legal? Sephiroth just watched as the cigarette burned quickly as Sora inhaled as much as he could.

The director coughed a bit as the smoke twisted around him, “Um. Right. Well we can start now!”

The man rushed off and Sephiroth disembarked to see what else was going on. Winnie the Pooh came toddling by him with Piglet scurrying behind. Ugh. These Disney creatures almost made him sick. He really was going to end up making some cutesy scene, wasn’t he?

Cloud and Leon arrived in a car together and came out staring at the massive amounts of Disney characters sitting about talking. Their expressions were of mostly confusion and disgust. Obviously they had the same thought pattern as Sephiroth.

“Did we come to the right place?”

Slowly the two approached him seeing that he wasn’t some type of furry mammal.

Cloud nodded, “If Sephiroth’s here then we must be at the right place.”

Leon scoffed, “I think all of us are going to be screwed in this.”

Sephiroth shrugged, “My manager said I have a battle scene.”

Slowly Cloud began to reminisce about the battles he had been in the past, “Really? Is that it?”

“I hope so, I’m not going on some rant about how children should be happy or whatever this thing is about.”

“It’s called.. um…Kid…Kin…um…Hey Leon what’s this video game called again?”

“Kingdom Hearts?”

“Yeah!”

Sephiroth rolled his eyes, “That sounds ridiculous.”

“That’s what I thought.”

Tifa and Yuffie came bumbling up to them with Aerith dragging behind. They looked like average people just taking a walk about. No one would have actually thought they had been from the games. Well, unless they were stalkers or something, which Sephiroth could only imagine how many people went about trying to see those three naked.

“Hey, you guys made it! I thought we’d be the only ones to show,” Yuffie smiled.

Cloud shrugged, “Might as well. Who didn’t show up?”

Tifa thought it over, “Vincent said no to his manager, Cid is late, and most of the others refused.”

Sephiroth scoffed, “I should have said no.”

Aerith nodded, “This is dumb. So far I’ve been asked to replay my death scene at least ten times, and some girl asked me why I wasn’t wearing my pink dress as if it was the only thing I ever wear.”

Sephiroth blinked, “Was that person named Kairi?”

“Yes.”

“She’s an idiot.”

“I noticed.”

Leon looked at Sephiroth, “What’d she ask you?”

“If I’d start playing my theme music for her.”

Everyone laughed and quieted down as the area seemed to darken. It just meant that they’d be doing a few scenes. Which made them wonder when exactly they were supposed to step into action. It wasn’t like Sephiroth was ever sent a script or anything which is what they NORMALLY do for games and movies.

“Does anyone have a script or anything?”

Everyone shook their head, it seemed Sephiroth wasn’t the only one who was missing out on that.

“So…are we just making it up as we go?”

“I guess so.”

“What kind of video game is that?”

“A ******** up one.”

A man came over and growled at them all, “Get into your costumes! Cloud, your costume is labeled number 1 for this scene, and Sephiroth, don’t forget your wings, alright? Tifa, dark eyes, woman. And you, Aerith, you’ll be wearing your original dress for the first scene. Leon, yours is labeled with an F and Yuffie yours has an X on it. Get dressed and report to area 3. And where the hell is Cid??”

Everyone shrugged and the man grumbled before leaving off rounding up some Moogles.

As they entered the costume area Sephiroth sighed. It was his attire from FF7. Not that he expected it to change or anything. Cloud pulled out his costume and laughed as it was the one resembling Vincent’s clothes.

“It could be worse.”

“Well…yeah. But remember how big my hair is with this thing?”

Sephiroth snorted as he thought about it. This was going to be just like old times. Leon picked up his costume and went over to the guy’s area and started stripping. Sephiroth joined them along with several other guys. It wasn’t like they had anything to hide. After putting on layers of clothes and the whole chains and buckles and s**t, not to forget his shoulder pads that were made of metal, he began to put the wings on.

“This is so stupid.”

“You’re telling me, I can barely breathe in this thing.”

Sephiroth looked at Cloud as half of his face was lost in the fabric. He tried not to laugh as he finally got the wing to clip on straight and noticed he still had a set.

“Whaaat…”

Now he remembered when he had to do SIX wings. That was a pain. And doing the original with just one black wing. But two? Come on.

“Where are you supposed to go…”

Seph stared at the label. HIP WINGS was right on the tag.

“Hip?”

The costume director seemed to appear out of the barracks of clothes. A tape measure was hurled around his shoulder and he was wearing hand made clothes that God only knows what type of fabric it was made out of. Sephiroth could almost feel his soul dying inside as he saw this man. It was almost too much to bear. He quickly grabbed the wings from Sephiroth’s hand and attached them around his waist without even asking.

“Hair and makeup! Go go go!!”

Sephiroth was pushed out of the room into another area. He could see everyone in there getting beautified and fixing their hair up. Or at least for whoever had hair. A woman sat him down in a seat which made his hip wings jab him uncomfortably.

“Alright, Sephy baby, we’re dolling you up.”

Dolling? He was supposed to look evil, not…dolly.

The makeup lady attacked his face and hair with no mercy. Though it didn’t take long for her to be done. As he looked in the mirror he saw what he looked like for FF7. Evil guy gone slightly crazy over a head he called Mother. The woman gave a satisfactory smile and looked as if she wanted to give him a kiss just because he was perfect. Thankfully she kept her God awful cherry red lips away from face.

“Neeeeext!!”

He got up and walked out to find this Area 3 thing. As he went down the long area he could see each scene being played out. A few characters, which he assumed were the original ones, were acting out separately. He knew this was the easiest way to save time, but also the hardest in wrapping it all up together. Though, it wasn’t like he really cared that much.

A blonde girl wearing all white waved at him, “Hello, Sephiroth! I’m Namine, one of the original characters. I’m so happy I could meet you! I’m a big fan!”

“Yes…I get that a lot…”

“Oh wow! You’ve got a** wings? Can I touch them??”

a**…wings.

“No, they’ll break.”

“Hey, can you do that theme music thing for me?”

“…No, my batteries are low.”

“Aww, that sucks.”

He pushed past her and continued on his way. Area 3 had to be around there somewhere. It wasn’t long, though, that he found the right area. It was mostly empty besides Cid who was sitting there with a dirty shirt on, a scruffy look about him, and a beer in one hand.

“What’s that…thing around your waist?” Sephiroth asked not entirely sure he remembered seeing Cid that often in the FF7 game.

“Uhh…half a vest.”

“And how long have you been wearing it?”

Cid belched and scratched himself, “I don’t know, I woke up and was here. Kind of crazy, eh?”

Sephiroth decided not to ask about Cid anymore. The man was obviously not suitable for any type of conversation. Then again, the man never was. He was too drunk to even remember what his own name was. Of course, why would he have to remember? All of the fangirls could easily just scream it at him every single day that he was probably just used to responding to the name ‘Cid’. In fact, what if his name was truly Bob or something?

Ah, Sephiroth was thinking too much.

Finally the others showed up relieving Sephiroth from Cid’s odd behaviors of grumbling and talking to himself. Cloud waved hi to Cid and stared at Sephiroth amused, “Nice wings.”

“Yeah, I like your hair.”

Cloud shrugged, “She gave me hair extensions.”

Leon smoothed down Sephiroth’s hip feathers, “It looks like someone tried to maul your a**.”

Sephiroth looked and noticed a few feathers were indeed out of place, “Well…I did have some girl ask me if she could touch them.”

“Did you let her?”

“No.”

“Don’t tell me, did she also ask to hear your theme music?”

“Yeah.”

“What’d you say?”

“That my batteries were low.”

They laughed and saw a flash go off. Some reporter lady was standing right in front of their face. Where the hell did she come from?? It was almost as if she popped into existence just to bother the hell out of them!

Oh yes, that WAS why she was there.

Not to forget that she had an interesting man beside her with a pen and paper in his hand.

“Hello, I’m from the magazine called Cannon Ten, where getting the juiciest topic about slash couples is our top priority. Leon, correct?”

“…My real name is Squall.”

“Yes, I’ve heard about you. I just happened to see you touching Sephiroth’s bottom not long ago. Do you two sleep with each other often?”

Sephiroth coughed and tried not to laugh, “You’re not serious, are you?”

“What, is it more than often?”

“We’re just friends-“

“Oooh…friends. Write that down, Jed.”

Jed, who seemed to be the man with the paper, scribbled in his notepad.

“No..we’re from the same industry from Square Enix. You know, Final Fantasy?”

“Ah, he has a final fantasy about being with Leon.”

Jed wrote this down, too.

Cloud smiled, “Wow, I didn’t even know this magazine existed!”

But in reality it truly didn’t because if it did everyone would probably cry at the lies it brooded.

But that wasn’t the point.

The point was Sephiroth and Leon were now in a tight squeeze.

“I’m not with Sephiroth…”

The woman lowered her glasses, “So you’re just ******** buddies or something? You like to screw around a bit and get around the block?”

Sephiroth shook his head, “No, we’re not…into each other at all. We’ve never been together and never will.”

She gave him a critical look, “Put that they’re insecure about this making the news.”

Jed wrote that down quickly.

Cloud moved his scarf so he could breathe easier, “Wow! Does he get a free issue since he’s going to be in it?”

The woman smiled, “Not only is he in it, but he’ll be the front cover, darling. What’s your name? Claude?”

“Um…it’s Cloud.”

“Never heard of you.”

“I’m the main character in Final Fantasy 7.”

“You’re part of their fantasy wish? That’s interesting. So are you their butler or something? No, an adopted child.”

Cloud blinked, “No? I’m a friend.”

“Ah, put down milkman that is a late night stripper.”

Jed put this down.

“I’m not a stripper…”

“Hooker? Whore? Prostitute?”

“W-what? None of those! I’m not like that!”

“Put down that their milkman works in secret for them. And that they have great threesomes on Saturdays.”

All three of them were gapping at this point. This woman was so full of s**t. How did she even make a living off of such lies? And besides, Sephiroth wanted to know why she wasn’t dead. If she was doing this to HIM of all people it meant she had targeted several others that had a worse attitude than him.

“Who actually reads your magazine?”

The woman pointed in the general direction where Cid was at. The scruffy old man was laughing as he was smoking his cigarette slowly and flipping a few of the pages. He was rubbing his belly as he made a few grumbling comments about the couple on the cover. It looked like Vincent and someone else, but Sephiroth couldn’t really see.

Creepy.

Very creepy.

“Old drunken men with serious issues read your magazine?”

The woman laughed, “No, I wasn’t pointing at HIM. I was pointing at the large group of rabid fangirls behind him.”

Their eyes turned to see that somehow a whole lot of girls dressed up as their characters and also as slutty little skimpy outfitted preps were there. It was almost disgusting. Sephiroth felt like he was back in high school again, which even made him feel insecure about himself. Those girls could make a straight man go blind.

“WE WANT YOUR CHILDREN!!!”

Sephiroth stared at the other guys, “That’s a bit weird. They all read your magazine?”

“Yes, they love it when I write a love story involving you people. Slash is their passion.”

“So..you’re saying you write stories where Seph and I get down and dirty,” Leon asked to clear things up.

She nodded, “Don’t forget your milkman.”

Cloud nodded vigorously, “Yeah! You can’t forget me, guys! That’d be totally unfair.”

Sephiroth shook his head, “Cloud, you’re not helping this situation.”

“Sorry, I got caught up in the moment.”

“Don’t do it again.”

The rabid fangirls started to scream and wave at them as if that would somehow make Sephiroth want to go over there and get mauled by them.

Not going to happen.

Never GOING to happen.

Period.

“So…wait…could I go over there and ask a girl out…and she’d just…go all…’oh my gawd, please, sleep with me Leon!’?”

The woman nodded, “That’s what she’d say. Of course, you have to think about their perspective. She probably sees you as a man that wants to get into every man’s pants-“

“But I like girls-“

“In her mind all you do is get some a**, and get your a**-“

“But-“

“And so if you were literal she would only see it as sexual frustration towards your boyfriend, here.”

Leon seemed to sag a bit, “What?”

Sephiroth sighed, “Technically she’d faint from the offer, but she would never follow through with it because you’re gay.”

Leon glared, “But I’m NOT gay!!”

“I know, but I was just trying to simplify it for you.”

“Are you saying I’m dumb or something?”

“No, I was just clarifying what this woman was trying to say since she has a ‘way’ with words.”

She smiled and looked at Jed, “Put down that they find arguing in public an arousing thing.”

Jed wrote this quickly, again.

The sea of fangirls began to shriek excitedly and a large burst of them had gotten free from the enclosing stabbity fence of doom.

Sephiroth could just tell that whatever was going to happen could possibly be worse for him than the others. He wasn’t exactly sure why, but he just had a feeling that fangirls loved him the most.

What? He was an evil villain, everyone loved those!

And so he tried to brace himself for some deadly impact of girliness. Already his skin was crawling with violation. Was he really that scared of people touching him? Or was it the fact that he knew they’d rip his skin off and eat it before selling the remains on eBay?

But as Sephiroth stood there with everyone else, nothing seemed to happen. Almost as if those girls just disappeared out of existence.

Finally he realized that they were mauling Cid.

CID.

WHAT?

His ego raged with anger.

Did he really just think that? Man, he needed a life or something.

But really, why were these girls attacking Cid?

Slowly it clicked that they weren’t after CID but his magazine!

“Damn tootin’ girls! Gimme my mag! I paid fer the sucker!!”

“Let go old man before I go rabid on your a**!”

Cid paused at this, “Rabid in a sexy way?”

The girl rolled her eyes and crossed her arms before snapping her fingers, “No you nasty old man, I meant like THIS!”

She did some head snappy thing and her friends burst out into some sappy musical song that had to do with Cid’s ‘wife’ in the game.

The man just stood there moving his cigarette in his mouth with his teeth.

By the time they were done and Sephiroth had taken a 15 minute nap with his eyes open, he realized that they hadn’t fazed anyone. Whatever the hell they did it was a waste of time.

“What the hell are ye singin’ fer?”

The girls looked at each other before the head snappy one stepped forward, “We just did an emotional ballot about your WIFE, Cid. You’re supposed to start crying and reminiscing about the good times before the chorus starts, and by the second time it starts up you join in. Then you learn our dance moves instantly and start dancing with us. Suddenly the others should break into dance and start singing along with us. At the end you go into a solo of pure beauty declaring your undying love for your wife and the curtain falls as the lights turn out! Duh!”

Sephiroth couldn’t even imagine what retard had thought of that plan. Then again he was staring at a fangirl who…thought singing would faze an old fart.

How…idiotic.

Cid blinked, “I don’t have a wife.”

Everyone gasped.

“YES YOU DO!”

The roar from the fangirls almost shattered their ear drums. A little obsessive much?

Yes.

“I say we sneak out of here before this gets too much for our bearings.”

Leon snorted, “Oh come on…we’re men…what can they do to us? Hit us with some…jeweled hands or something? They’re frail creatures.”

Sephiroth nodded, “Yeah, you’re right. So when your pants go missing and someone rapes you with a stick or something you won’t come crying to me.”

Slowly Leon took this into consideration, “A stick?”

Cloud butted in with vigorous nodding, “Sometimes it’s a blunt nightclub.”

All three of them shuddered and quickly slipped away as the fangirls tried to straighten out Cid’s thought pattern. It wasn’t working, though the man was bound to give up just to end their screaming. A man with a hangover was a man with keen senses that made thinking seem impossible to do without inflicting self pain.

The director came up to their group and he wiped his glasses on his shirt. He was perspiring pervasively and his face seemed to be purpler than before. Sephiroth could see the veins sticking out of his head and the man’s eyes were bloodshot.

“Alright, we’re starting off with Cloud meeting Sora. I need all of you to get into character right now, show me who you really are.”

Cloud scratched his face as he tried to adjust the scarf, “So…um…what do you mean? Because right now I’m just me…”

“No no, think Final Fantasy meets-“

“Disney?”

“Kingdom HEARTS!”

“….That doesn’t tell me anything.”

“Alright, think of this as a new character from Final Fantasy and you’re meeting them for the first time.”

Cloud mulled this over in his head before nodding, “Alright.”

“Everyone on the set! Lights! Camera! Action!”

Sora came walking out on the arena and looked about clueless. Sephiroth could not see how that was the same kid he had just seem a while ago. There was no way!

“Cloud, commence entering!”

Cloud entered and Sora paused as they met, Cloud continued to walk by as if he hadn’t seen the kid.

“Hey! Wait!”

Sora turned around to talk to Cloud but he kept walking and soon was off screen.

“Aaaaand cut! Beautiful!”

Leon nudged Sephiroth, “You know what Cloud would really do?”

“Hmm?”

“ ‘Hey! My name is Cloud! Wanna be my best friend? I’m blonde!’”

Sephiroth bit his lip as they tried to keep silent. Ah, Cloud would definitely do something like that. It had taken the kid so much practice to pretend he was some anti-social angsting freak.

Then again, Sephiroth had to take quite the long time to become some demented freak that was obsessed over alien heads.

A lot of caffeine and sedatives at once seemed to help. Ah, but he need to not think of that, such thoughts could leave to him picking up the habit again…

“Alright, now we’re going to cut to Sora meeting Cloud for the second time with Hades.”

A man with grayish blue skin came in who was bald and had a long face, scary pointed teeth, and yellow drawn eyes. His outfit was Greek like the stage, and his attitude was worse than Sephiroth could imagine. A Disney character that wanted to plot evil with CLOUD.

Yeah.

Gonna happen.

“Where’s your hair?” Cloud asked staring at the shiny gray head of the Disney God. Of course he had spoken before he had really thought about it. Couldn’t the guy just light it back on fire?

“They animate it in. I’m human for Christ’s sake, I don’t walk around with my head on fire, I just work here.”

Cloud shut up after that, he obviously was wrong.

“Okay, boys. This scene is about Cloud wanting to meet Sephiroth for a final show down. Cloud, I want you to think revenge and angst all messed up into one! Hades, be deceiving, draw him into your plot to use him to kill Hercules. Sora, you know what you’re doing. Alright! Lights! Camera! Action!”

Cloud looked at Hades before glaring off into some distant space. Angst. Angst.

“Hey, kid, come on think about it. I’m hiring you for a good reason, and it’s to kill this Hercules guy. You do your job we can all be happy and go home to beautiful lives…or you know the dead. But that doesn’t matter! What matters is this guy just dies, alright?”

Cloud glared at Hades, “I’m not here to kill Hercules…I’ve come to see HIM.”

Angst!

“Yeah yeah yeah, you’ll get to what’s-his-face in good time. But to do that you have to kill Hercules, alright? Then we can redeem yourself from this whole ordeal, comprehende?”

Cloud didn’t say anything and walked off as usual.

“What a stiff.”

“Aaaaand cut! Alright, now we’re going to do some graphic battle scenes!”

Cloud sighed, “Who’s the stunt double?”

Everyone went silent in their spot.

The director gave a few blinking stares before raising an eyebrow, “Stunt double?”

“…Yeah, I don’t do everything by myself…”

It went silent again. This was almost priceless. Was this guy actually serious that there were no stunt doubles? How the hell was this supposed to look realistic?

The director wiped at his brow and shook his head, “You can do these moves without a stunt double, they’re really easy.”

And so they WEREN’T.

Their first battle, outrageous enough as it was, had been Cloud against a three-headed dog. Sephiroth even found that slightly insane. Sure he head heard about Hercules and the Disney movie and all, but in an arena?

Cloud paused for a few minutes to take a breather and wiped at his brow, “This is ridiculous! I’ve been doing the same thing for the past 10 minutes!”

“You need to put more ANGER and frustration in it!”

“I’m angering this attack as much as I can!”

“Try harder! Scream if you have to.”

“That just makes it sound like I’m constipated or something.”

Leon snorted and tried to hold in his laughter as Sephiroth shook his head. This was just…sad.

“God, I’m going to need some caffeine if this is all we’re doing,” Sephiroth mumbled. It was basically what he lived off of whenever he did movies or games. Always trying to pay attention. That’s probably why he always came off as disinterested in most people’s point of view. He just didn’t have the attention span for this crap.

“Try again, Cloud.”

“I need a break, my arms kill.”

“Fine, a five minute break for everyone!”

The group quickly dispersed and Cloud went over to them rubbing his arms, “Looks like you guys are doing a lot.”

Sephiroth smiled, “Yeah, we’re here to keep you going. It’s like personal cheerleaders.”

“Except we’re not going to shout out your name and do kicks.”

Cloud sat down on the ground, “I did that attack at least a hundred times. It’s the same each time. ‘Do it again, it’s not perfect!’ What the hell am I?”

“You’re Cloud Strife, boy wonder.”

Cloud groaned, “That isn’t even my last name! It’s Strauff!”

Leon shrugged, “Hey, don’t blame us because people can’t remember who you are.”

The blonde whimpered and a flashing light went off. Sephiroth could feel his soul being reaped from him as he stared over at who it was. It was the reporter from Cannon Ten. How annoying.

“Do you mind? We’re resting.”

“Ah, you all rest together?”

“We just happen to be in the same area, might as well group together…right?”

She turned to Jed and smiled, “Put that they often sleep with each other after a long, hard day’s work.”

All three of them groaned in agony, this woman just DIDN’T know when to stop, did she?

“Lady, don’t you have someone else to report up on?”

She blinked rapidly for at least a minute and made Sephiroth wonder if she was having some eye issues or something. No seriously, her eye battering just wouldn’t stop. Those long black eyelashes were twitching so rapidly he had a feeling she had a seizure while he had talked to her. Sephiroth didn’t know he had that affect on people.

Heh.

Keep that one in mind.

She finally stopped and stared directly into his eyes, “Excuse me, Sephiroth, but I’m making you famous.”

“I’m already famous.”

“I’m making you a part of everyday knowledge.”

“I wouldn’t call false tales knowledge.”

“This isn’t false knowledge!”

Sephiroth crossed his arms, “Alright, test me then.”

She pulled out a bag and jammed her hand into it without breaking eye contact with him. A few pens and loose pieces of paper flew out of it until she immerged with a thick notepad. Slowly she thumbed through it, eyes still on him, and stopped at one point.

“Where were you Friday of October 13 at 11:34 p.m.?”

Sephiroth had to think. He wasn’t thinking she’d do specific dates, and it wasn’t like he was programmed to know what he was doing at every second of his life. Hell, he had a terrible memory. Probably because he only lived off of drinks and free food.

“I was most likely asleep in my bed.”

She pointed at him, “AHA!”

“What?”

“If you DIDN’T sleep around you wouldn’t have said ‘my bed’ therefore clearly saying that you sleep in other’s beds at certain times! You also said ‘most likely’ leaving leeway for several other things to happen. Such as sex? Booze? Drugs? Hmm??”

What the hell was this woman thinking?

“No? If I hadn’t had said ‘my bed’ you would have asked me whose and I would have had to clarify that it was my own. So instead of listening to you b***h at me, I decided to help out by notifying you that I sleep in my own bed as opposed to your immoral thoughts of me sleeping around.”

She smiled, “Jed, write down that he only likes to have people sleep in his bed. It makes him comfortable that way, and keeps the press low.”

Jed wrote furiously.

Leon rubbed his temple, this woman was not worth the pain, “Can’t we just kill her?”

Cloud smiled, “Can I do my practice swings on her?”

Sephiroth hissed at them, “Keep your tempers, boys, she’s just trying to bait us into slipping up so she can write more lies about us.”

She tapped her lip and turned to Jed, “I think we’ve got enough, get a few more pictures and we’re leaving.”

Finally, Sephiroth thought she’d bug them throughout the whole shoot.

“Breaks up! Everyone get ready!”

Cloud held his hands out, “Help.”

Leon and Sephiroth grabbed his hand and pulled the blonde up. A camera flash made them glare. How the hell would that turn out DIRTY? It was just helping someone up for Christ’s sake!

“Cloud! Give me a true thrust with that sword, alright?”

Cloud cursed under his breath as he began to practice again, still failing at the concept. Finally Sephiroth had to say something, “Pretend you’re stabbing that Cannon Ten woman.”

It was then that Cloud had to have done the best anger thrust he had ever seen in his career. His moves were smooth but deadly, and his look was of pure anger. When he was done everyone clapped.

“Excellent, Cloud! Alright, now we’re going to switch it up and get Leon in here for a bit with you, and then we’ll add Sephiroth before we end for the day. CHOP CHOP! CHANGE THE SCENE!”

Sephiroth blinked and when he opened his eyes it was at some town. A few ducks were placed at shops and the streets were mostly dirty with bustling people. It was like a town…except the fact that it ended so abruptly if you weren’t paying attention you’d fall off the stairs and die.

Sephiroth smiled, he wouldn’t mind seeing that happen.

“Sora number two, you meet up with Cloud here and he’s going to talk about Sephiroth. Get him in his new costume!!!!!!”

A curtain appeared around Cloud and within minutes he was in a different outfit. He patted himself a bit and shrugged. It was better than before.

Sephiroth, though, was busy looking around to see what the hell the director meant by ‘Sora number two’.

It was then that he spotted him. An older brother or something of the first Sora came out smoking a cigar. He was taller and more mature looking, but overall Sephiroth could just FEEL the stupidity coming off of him.

It was sickening.

The kid threw the cigar on the ground and stomped on it proudly before cracking his body into several different ways that Sephiroth could only imagine had to be painful for the spinal cord. Sora 2 ruffed up his hair slightly and watched as a duck and a dog came up next to him.

WHAT THE HELL.

Sephiroth was wondering why it seemed the more they got into the video game the more on crack it was…

Leon pointed, “I can’t believe we’ve spent this long just doing parts of Cloud’s act.”

“Yeah. Well have fun.”

Leon stepped to a part of the stage tiredly.

“LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!”

Sora, Donald, and Goofy were walking towards Leon when Sora noticed Cloud. Curiously he came over to the blonde seeing him angsting up against the wall.

“Cloud?”

The blonde stayed silent.

“Hey, there’s a girl looking for you-“

“Have you seen him?”

“Who?”

“He’s got silver hair and a long sword-“

“Hmm…no.”

“If you do, tell me.”

“Alright.”

Sora slowly went off and scuttled towards the others. They began to rehearse lines before Sephiroth had fallen asleep with his eyes open again.

What, it was a talent he had inherited!

Anyway, he heard his name after a while which roused him from his light slumber.

“What?”

“We’re ready for you. It’s your battle scene with Sora.”

“Sora?”

“Yes, the older one. We’ll do the other fight later.”

“Um…alright.”

Sephiroth stood on a cliff, or at least what was supposed to be a cliff. It was just a rock with a fake drop behind it.

“Now Sephiroth, remember you’re a villain. I want you to be interested in the keyblade! It has ultimate powers that could let you take over the planet and destroy it-“

“With Mother on board, yes yes I know.”

“Right! Action!”

Sora stepped up to Sephiroth and he turned around, letting his cold stone eyes land upon the kid. He was dressed in black, and on his face was that dumbfounded expression coated with anger. It was almost laughable.

“What’s a foolish child like you doing here?”

He was more into pissing people off slowly before killing them. Well, not actually killing them, but you get the gist.

“Cloud’s looking for you.”

“Of course.”

It was at this point that Sephiroth felt a bit of him snap inside and he went on a crazed loon thing about stealing keyblades and crap. What the hell would he do with it? Pick his teeth with it? Really, the kid was small enough as it was. The blade would just be pointless for Sephiroth to use.

After rambling they broke into a fight, which Sephiroth hadn’t realized that Sora number 2 was probably born on a combat field where he dodged mines all day, ate grubs for meals, shot arrows at arctic wolves, and could possibly devour Chuck Norris with his ego.

The kid did some hidden tiger flying dragon thing and went into the air so high Sephiroth was sure he would be hit.

But of course he moved one step out of the way and struck the kid with his sword which caused a bloodstream to come from Sora 2’s face.

“Aaah!! He stabbed my eye out!!”

Sephiroth blinked, “Did I win?”

Everyone came onto the set to see what happened. Cloud gave the most aggravated looking face, “That look’s painful..”

When Leon seemed to wince Sephiroth knew it was bad, “Hey, who the hell sharpened these blades anyway?”

The director gave him a dumbfounded look, “But you always fight with sharpened blades, Sephiroth.”

“N-no I don’t! They’re props! Not real things!”

“These are real! Just as real as you are! Now I know you’ve got a huge ego and are somewhat a mental case, but hurting our Sora is going to damage the video game graphics. We’re going to have to edit in an eye and everything!”

Sephiroth blinked.

Mental case?

Ego?

“Wait a minute. Wait. You think I’m Sephiroth from FF7?”

“Isn’t that who you are?”

“It isn’t WHO I am, it was someone I acted as! I don’t go around playing theme music every time I appear! It’s not possible! I am a human!!!”

A few fangirls had now appeared and heard the shocking news.

“You mean you can’t throw fireballs?”

“You can’t play your theme music?”

“You can’t fly??”

“You don’t have a head as a Mother?????”

A few screams and angry words flew out of their mouths before the stopped and refused to believe that Sephiroth did not live as such a thing.

How immature.

Leon and Cloud grabbed onto Sephiroth, “Maybe…you should just…take a sick leave for a few days?”

It was probably a good thing they had a hold of him, too. Sephiroth was about to show some preppy little girl or two what a REAL fireball was like. And then he’d give them theme music alright. Some Barbie girl s**t that would make them cry after the 7th time they heard it!

As he was dragged out Sephiroth finally regained his temper and brushed his arms off, “This is so ******** stupid. These people don’t think we’re HUMAN.”

And right on cue Kairi came bouncing up to them, “Hey! Sephiroth!”

“WHAT??”

“Whoa…you’re angry. I was just wonder- OH MY GAWD! Are those…a** WINGS? Can I touch them?? Seriously can I? They look so real!! I didn’t know you had a** wings!!”

Sephiroth was sure he had just snapped. Or something within his body erupted in anger, because he knew after that point there was no longer going to be a girl named Kairi standing in front of him. No, it would be a pile of ripped flesh with pools of blood and sloppy organs everywhere.

And as he was ready to grab her by the neck and rip her skull out of its prospective place, several men that were five times his size had grabbed his arms and dragged him off.

“WHO are YOU??”

“I’m sorry Sephiroth, but you’re just not mentally stable at the moment-“

“Yeah, stable.”

“And we’re just putting you away for a bit. A few shots of sedatives will make you feel better!”

“Yeah, better.”

Sephiroth frowned as he was lunged into the back of the looney car. Oh man. Not again. NOT AGAIN!!!

Cloud and Leon heard screaming and shouting, a few curses and other derogatory comments not suitable for children, and finally it all went silent. Cloud’s eyes met Leon’s and they slowly broke away before the doors reopened. Sephiroth fell to the ground like he had no muscles, and the doors were closed.

“Holy s**t, Sephiroth, are you okay??”

They both had dived to help him up. The man was somewhat conscious.

“Gimme some caffeine, I’m getting cravings like the jimmy’s…”

A few more haggard looks were exchanged before Cloud spoke up, “Um…why don’t we take you home instead? You need to sleep.”

“But I’m Sephiroth! Sleep is for…HUMANS!”

Leon cleared his throat, “We’re humans.”

“Are we?”

“Yes.”

Sephiroth tried to think this over but quickly passed out before he could respond.

The blonde and brunette exchanged looks again before letting their eyes rest upon their friend.

“Do you think Cannon Ten is going to know about this?”

“Yes.”

“…Well…so much for dignity. Let’s get him out of here before some fangirl tries to molest him.”

With some precautions they made it to the car, and for now it seemed that Day One of the ******** over KH video game shooting had come to an end.

But next time?

Well…only the Gods knew what would happen next.
OoOoOoOoOoOoO

“…No, my batteries are low.”

“Aww, that sucks.”

XDDD That was cute. This is such a creative and cracky idea.

Haha, that was a very awesome chapter.


I loved Sephiroth and Cloud pretending to be each other.

And you included the Bob Ross thing too! I love it.


And imagining Cloud going nuts on a pop machine. Ahah, I think a little part of me just decided not to hate Cloud as much as I usually do.


“Axel, have I ever told you that you’re a genius?”

“Umm….no?”

“Good, because you’re a ******** moron.”

That part had me laughing so hard. That was just awesome.

On most days Sephiroth would gladly awake in the morning for a nice cup of coffee and a warm breakfast to calm his stomach. Today was not that type of day. It probably had to deal with the fact that when he awoke there was a rabid mob of cats breeding on him and other unnecessary things that made him want to make cat stew. Then after he got done using the bathroom and prepping himself to face the others for a very long and tedious morning he found the morning paper sprawled out on the kitchen table.

There was a picture of Sephiroth with the baby changing table in one hand laying some smack down on several people. Sadly he looked like he was on crack. Or at least Mountain Dew and sedatives.

He cringed at the thought of his addiction and sat down looking over at the headlines.

‘Sephiroth Goes Crazy!’

And the subtitle was worse than that.

‘Takes Table To People’s Heads!’

He grumbled to himself a few times before reading the article noticing that it was much better than that stupid Cannon Ten magazine he had read about him having ritzy affairs with people.

He flipped to the next page and tried not to smile as he saw Axel and Roxas having a nice make out fest. Of course they’d add that in there, especially in a pubic paper that everyone reads.

He sighed as he finished the article getting the gist that it said ‘they rioted and were all on drugs’ and that was basically it. Kind of like those crazy parties he used to go to. Man, the media loved him on those things.

He rubbed his stomach in agony wondering what he should eat since he hadn’t since…well whenever he started his new diet of Mountain Dew liters and sedative shots. Axel’s Grandma was already scooting about the place humming some old lady song and cleaning up the place somewhat. She looked over at him and smiled.

“You’re such a handsome young man! Would you like something to eat?”

“Yes, please.”

She went about in her old lady way grabbing things and started to make breakfast. Sephiroth sat there wondering how long he could last in this riot thing before he went insane and shaved his head like Britney.

Wait, he loved his hair too much, scratch that. He’d probably snort his father’s ashes instead.

Then again his father’s body was obliterated oh so long ago in some type of accident that meant ashes were never going to be found.

Blagh.

Cloud came in and sat down staring at Sephiroth with a dreamy look, “I had a dream….that you were on sedatives….”

“Cloud, that wasn’t a dream.”

“It wasn’t?”

“No, it happened last night at the mall, remember?”

Grandma came over and set breakfast in front of them, “Oh I read about that! Some crazy man named Sentinort or something started beating people with babies.”

Cloud frowned, “Wow…that’s harsh.”

Sephiroth decided it was best that he NOT explain that it was him, and it wasn’t babies…it was a changing table. Difference.

“Here you go, Claude.”

“It’s Cloud Strauff.”

“Of course, Claude.”

Cloud grumbled as he started to eat with Sephiroth. It wasn’t long for Leon to shuffle in looking rather hung over even though he hadn’t drunk anything last night. He plopped down and watched as Grandma put a plate of food in front of him. He started to eat numbly, not even sure if the food was filling him up or not.

“How old are you boys, 13? You’re all so adorable!”

They looked at each other. Was she serious?

“I’m actually in my 20’s,” Cloud said through a mouthful.

She cooed, “You’re 12? That’s wonderful. You’re all so strong for being so young!”

Sephiroth continued to eat and wondered if she had accidentally poisoned their food if she was this senile.

Axel finally came in and sat down, “Good morning, Grandma.”

She pinched his cheeks, “Awww, good morning, Markypoo. Or should I call you Axel today? I hear you’ve got to go on set tonight!”

The other guys smiled at the nick name and Axel glared at them before smiling, “Yeah, I have to go in tonight around 6.”

“I hope you have fun dear, and watch out for that crazy man in the papers. Sentinort or whatever his name is. He’s throwing babies at people, you know.”

Axel nodded, “Okay, Grandma.”

Sephiroth frowned, “I thought you were finished working there?”

“Hmm? Oh no, I have to go in to make sure all the scenes slide together correctly. Which is going to take another month or something. They always do that.”

Cloud looked at Sephiroth, “They never made us do that…”

“They probably hate us with a passion, that’s why.”

Leon snorted, “I think it’s because we’re so awesome we get things done correctly the first time around they don’t need us to come back.”

The three Square Enix members laughed evilly before going back to eating. Axel just stared and poked at his food not exactly sure what just happened right there. Whatever it was it was scary.

Sephiroth smiled at Axel, “How much you want to bet that stupid sleaze from Cannon Ten is going to be there?”

They all seemed to groan, but Sephiroth kept his smile on, “I think I should show her a thing or two-“

Axel’s cell phone rang and he answered it, “Hello?”

“You’re quite the famous little one, aren’t you?”

“Hey Saix…”

“How’s it feel being all over the public paper?”

Axel stared at the paper and opened it up before gapping as he saw that he was kissing Roxas, “Oh God.”

“Oh yes.”

“That’s horrible!!”

“That’s what you get for being an idiot.”

“Saix, you have to help me out, man!”

“Look, all you have to do is continue your riot. Except this time instead of making out with children you might want to pick something more normal. Like…random girls.”

“Yeah okay. Well I have to go in tonight for-“

“Yes, same here. I hear that Cannon Ten is going to be there.”

“Yeah! But I’m not sure what I should do…she’s got so much s**t on me now!”

Axel’s Grandma hit him with a wooden spoon, “Watch your language!”

Axel rubbed his head, “Sorry, Grandma.”

Saix stared at his phone not exactly sure if Axel had just called him grandma or not, “You’re good at winging it, I’m sure you’ll think of something equally as stupid as before.”

“Oh come on…you could at least help out.”

“What am I supposed to do? I’m not the one who’s having issues with the magazine.”

“They write utter smut about you and Xemnas and Marluxia!! How could you NOT find an issue with the magazine??”

“Possibly because I don’t really care?”

“You’re supposed to get enraged, Saix, come on…”

“No, probably because I’m not a vengeful angry person. I think you’re forgetting who I really am, Axel.”

“Yeah okay….”

He paused.

“Wait! That’s it! You could talk to Cannon Ten and show no interest! And when they ask you to get angry and upset you won’t! That’s perfect!”

“I guess it is, but I’m not approaching them at all. You’re the one who has to deal with it not me.”

“I’ll make them come after you.”

“You do that.”

Saix hung up and Axel put his phone away, “Alright….today we’re doing the same as yesterday-“

Sephiroth whined, “I’ve had enough of the pain…”

Cloud cooed and rubbed Sephiroth’s shoulders, “You poor thing…”

Leon stared, “Don’t ever do that ever again, Cloud.”

“Do what?”

“Just…stop breathing.”

Cloud blinked, “I don’t think I can.”

Axel coughed, “Anyway, as I was saying…”

Sephiroth growled, “I’m NOT doing anything! I want death and destruction!!!”

Grandma came up, “Cookies?”

Sephiroth took one, “Why thank you.”

He munched on it before finishing it off and nodded, “And lots of bloody gore.”

Axel blinked, this man HAD to be bipolar.

“Um…okay…well then everyone would think that you’re the game character-“

“Okay? What do you want me to do? Go around and pretend I’m you and then destroy the world so they can blame you instead of me?”

Cloud gasped, “That’s a brilliant idea!!”

Axel frowned, “But Sephiroth and I don’t even look alike….”

Leon nodded, “Yeah…you’re also a whole foot different in height.”

Sephiroth snorted, “Have you guys ever been to the Game Designer Club?”

They all shook their heads.

“They can take your GRANDMA and make her look like me, they’re THAT good.”

Cloud blinked, “So…they could make us our opposite selves?”

Sephiroth nodded, “Granted it only lasts a day, but it works.”

Leon thought it over, “So all four of us should do it and then go around and do batshit things that the other one wouldn’t do at all?”

Sephiroth nodded, “Exactly what I’m thinking.”

And so they took a nice little trip secretly to Game Designer Club. Sephiroth flashed his member card and they entered into a dark and dusky place with mechanics surrounding them all over. Several greasy scientists were working away near the back and a few were having a conversation near a dead fish tank with purified human intestines.

It was just that creepy.

Cloud swallowed as they passed a place where they were changing real deer into Bambi type things, “How the hell did you come across this place?”

“You know Hojo? He founded this place. Its part of his normal work when he isn’t doing creepy laughter for games no one wants to buy.”

They nodded all at once as if realizing how much of a creep Hojo really was.

When they finally reached their destined place it seemed brighter and happier than the others. A few game characters were standing about with missing body parts. Of course they were robots, but it could have fooled the untrained eye.

“Sephiroth, baby, glad to see you here!”

Some guy came over named Jack gave Sephiroth a hug and waved at the others, “What can I do for my favorite customer?”

“I need to switch bodies with someone for a while.”

“You know about the limitations, correct?”

“Yes, and my friends here need it, too.”

“So what are you four doing, some type of switcheroo for a date?”

Cloud nodded, “Yeah!”

Leon didn’t respond, he decided Cloud’s idiocy would make everything workout perfectly fine.

Jack brought them over to a machine, “So who are you switching with?”

Axel raised his hand. Being Sephiroth was going to be SO cool.

“Well alright, then! Just step into this machine, and Sephiroth you go into this one. Don’t worry about doing anything, just relax and enjoy the ride.”

They each went into their own dwelling and watched as the doors closed. The machine was turned on and Axel stood there quite excited not sure what this thing did.

An intercom came on and Axel snapped his attention to it.

“This’ll only hurt for…ooh… 5 minutes.”

A sudden blast of deadly energy that could contort any holy body into nothingness hit Axel with so much force it made him want to scream in pain.

And so he did.

Around 5 minutes of this excruciating torture he felt like he was having an out of body experience or something, either that or he was tripping up on some really handy drugs.

When he opened his eyes he was pretty sure nothing happened. It wasn’t until the door opened and he moved to leave that he had noticed what was different.

He was towering over the others, and he could see himself among the small group.

“This feels weird.”

Whoa, his voice wasn’t his own.

Sephiroth, who was now embodied as Axel, rubbed his head, “I think I need some aspirin…”

Jack laughed and gave Axel’s body a hug, “It’s alright, Sephiroth, that feeling will go away fairly soon! Why don’t you go have a Mountain Dew over there?”

Sephiroth looked and saw a whole concession stand with eager people holding up bottles and wearing funny suits that were all labeled Mountain Dew standing around waiting for him to acknowledge them. He shuddered slightly and shook his head, “I think I’ll pass.”

The happy Mountain Dew workers frowned and sighed, scuffing their feet and deciding that they’d need to get a new job sooner or later.

Cloud was easily intrigued in this new transformation. All he noticed was that…well…Sephiroth and Axel were talking differently. Axel’s body was spouting out a more sophisticated manner of words while Sephiroth’s was just blabbering what was on his mind.

How weird.

“Does it seriously hurt for 5 minutes? I have a low tolerance for pain.”

Jack laughed, “Ooooh, it would take all the fun out of it if it didn’t hurt!”

Cloud frowned, “Oh.”

Leon groaned, “Let’s just get this over with.”

They stepped in and soon experienced the invigorating sensation of having their minds ripped from their bodies and plopped into a different human being.

Cloud tumbled out walking like he was drunk as Leon glared at him, “You’re going to make me look like an idiot.”

Axel smiled, “That’s the point!”

Jack gave a confused look, “You must not want to go on these dates if you want to ruin each other’s reputation.”

Cloud nodded, “Yeah, it happens when you’re famous.”

Sephiroth scoffed, “You mean when your CHARACTER is famous and you’re just another rotting corpse in the sea of worthless beings.”

Axel blinked, “Coming from my body that sounded really hot.”

Sephiroth glared, “Don’t hit on me, it’d be like looking in a mirror and trying to make out with myself.”

Cloud giggled, “Whoa, that’d be funny to see!”

Leon shook his head, “No..it wouldn’t.”

They soon waved goodbye to Jack, the Mountain Dew concession stand workers, and the other misshapen and deformed creatures that were walking about in the area.

Axel drank some Mountain Dew and sighed, “I think we should attack another place that’s like the mall. Where is an area that a lot of girls go to?”

Leon blinked, “Why, do you want to get mauled again?”

Axel flexed his muscles, “Look at these, I could kill anyone if I wanted to-“

Sephiroth glared, “You should be glad I’m letting you borrow my body.”

Cloud jumped about happily zooming around and stopping near the car in such a cute manner that Leon groaned, “Please God don’t let this get to the public.”

Though it already had just because the creator of this thing is totally going to screw Leon over. Heh.

They had finally decided that a good place to go was the pool, because a lot of people went to the pool at this time of the year AND they would get to look at some hot toasty chicks.

Oh wait, that wasn’t the real reason.

The real reason was because they’d be utterly defenseless, and most people didn’t bring cameras to the pool.

Upon arrival Sephiroth glared at the bright and happy looks of everyone tumbling about and splashing each other like a bunch of teletubbies bathing. He loathed the creation of happiness and wanted to rein unholy hell upon anyone who thought they could go near him with such an attitude.

His eyes soon landed on Cloud as the guy was smiling over so happily. Though, since it was Leon’s body it just looked like he s**t himself and wasn’t sure whether to say anything or not.

How adorable.

“Alright, I’m going to attack the left wing over here near that lot of emo looking children. Leon, you attack the right side where those babes are, Axel you’re going to try the front and center, and Cloud-“

Sephiroth turned his head to say something to Cloud but the man was already gone. All three of them blinked and looked around wondering where the hell he had gone when they heard screaming and happy shouts of joy come from the pool area.

Cloud had taken poor Leon’s body to the diving board of ******** of doom and had jumped clean off the thing to his impending doom. Leon, who was sitting in Cloud’s body inside the car, literally had a heart attack as he watched Cloud dive into the water filled with rabid girls and other sickly creatures that could be called ‘men’ or otherwise known as ‘blubber’.

“MY BODY!!!”

Axel watched the huge explosion of water cover the lot of girls, several angry glares were being shot at Cloud, but then they all started to scream and squeal as they saw who it was.

“Dude, he’s having issues…” Axel commented with Sephiroth’s low voice.

Sephiroth and Leon both stared at each other before gapping, “HE CAN’T SWIM!”

Everyone dived out of the car at that moment and ran to help Cloud, who was now drowning Leon’s body.

Leon was glaring up at the sky cursing the gods, “If I’m stuck in this body forever I will surely SMITE everyone I see.”

With more splashing and screaming from girls, the group had grabbed onto Cloud and pulled him out of the water. Everyone was utterly soaked and out of breath.

“Cloud…why are you so stupid?”

Cloud gagged slightly trying to breathe, “I think…I’m going to pass out…”

Leon smacked his back as hard as he could forgetting all about being nice to his body, he just wanted Cloud to feel some serious torture. It had helped though and Cloud could suddenly breathe much better.

“Well that was invigorating!”

Leon glared, “You idiot, you could have drowned!”

Cloud snorted, “Whatever, I totally knew what I was doing.”

Axel blinked, “Committing suicide?”

A group of well drenched girls came over curiously, “Is he alright??”

Sephiroth stared at their glistening bodies, they were shivering slightly as they stared at Cloud, “He’s perfectly fine.”

Axel nodded, “Yeah, just being stupid and all!”

The girls turned from them and squealed slightly before pulling out autograph books, “Can we have your guys’ autographs??”

Oh s**t.

Cloud, still in his own world, nodded vigorously, “Of course!!”

Leon glared at his beautiful body being shaken by Cloud’s retarded actions. He’d never come out of his house after this ever again.

The books were passed around and they all just bull-shitted a signature, Sephiroth’s turned out elegant looking but was signed with Axel’s name, Axel’s was a rabid scribble of hell that didn’t even look like Sephiroth, Cloud’s had bubbles and happy smiley things all around it, though it was signed Leon, and Leon’s wasn’t even a signature, just block letters that said ‘CLOUD’.

The group giggled slightly as they walked away.

Sephiroth frowned, “Why did we just sign autographs if we’re rebelling against the mainstream?”

Axel smiled, “Because I’ve always wanted to sign my signature like that.”

Leon grunted, “What did you put? Sandwich? I couldn’t even read it.”

Axel glared, “Shut up.”

Cloud stood up and dusted his bottom off for no particular reason before he snapped his attention at the mobs that were forming, “I think this would be a good time to start an attack.”

Sephiroth stared, “For once I think I can agree with you, Cloud.”

And so they wound up trashing the place like insane idiots that had nothing better to do. Tables were overturned, hot dogs were stolen, the bathrooms were destroyed, and the pool had been de-chlorinated. How that was all possible no one could actually say, but it had happened.

Sephiroth stopped after awhile and rubbed his stomach, “You know…I’m kind of hungry.”

Cloud shoved the rest of his hotdog in his mouth and smiled making poor Leon’s body dorkier than it could ever succumb in a lifetime. Leon groaned and tried to hide Cloud and his horrible eating manners, “Let’s go, everyone is running around and spazzing.”

And so they left, utterly soaked and feeling better that this time they didn’t screw up.

Axel groaned as he rubbed his head, “I think I ran into too many things…”

Sephiroth glared, “You’re supposed to duck when you get near doorways…or bars…or anything that meets you at eye level.”

Axel snorted, “Where’s the fun in that?”

Leon tugged at his shirt, “Cloud…your clothes are freaking tight…can’t you wear normal shirts??”

Cloud licked his fingers and looked over at his body as it had an angsty face on, “That is a normal shirt…”

“Can we stop somewhere to change clothes?”

Sephiroth looked at Leon, “Are you sure you want to see that?”

Leon thought it over, “I think I already have, actually.”

Sephiroth smiled, “Is it really that big of a problem?”

Leon nodded, “If you were in this body you’d understand.”

Axel looked back at Leon curiously, “What’s wrong with Cloud’s body?”

Cloud nodded, “Yeah really!”

Leon glared at everyone, “You really want to know?”

Cloud hesitated before nodding, “Yea…”

Leon paused wondering whether he should really say it. Well, might as well, “I don’t think you’re packing enough.”

Axel, who was driving, burst into laughter that sounded so demeaning and maniacal that it could almost be believed that it was actually Sephiroth doing it.

Sephiroth stared, “Awwwkward…”

Cloud frowned slightly, “How the hell do you even know?”

Leon rubbed one of his eyes, “Well I can just…feel stuff. And when your clothes are suctioned to you things just…seem more noticeable.”

Sephiroth covered his face, “Oh God…”

Axel kept laughing, a crazy smile was spread across his face as he continued to drive.

Cloud just sat there and thought this over before looking over at Leon, “Really? I don’t feel anything. Like…anything at all.”

Axel bit his lip, “Are you saying Leon has nothing?”

Leon glared, “There is TOO things there!”

Sephiroth shook his head, “I’m not even going to bring myself into this conversation.”

Cloud shrugged, “Well I’m not going to feel your body up to check!!”

“Well I didn’t do that either!”

“Then how come I can’t feel anything?”

“I don’t know! Maybe you’re just dumb?”

“Or maybe because I don’t want to figure out how much you’re carrying?”

The conversation just seemed to plummet into a hole deeper and deeper into perverted agony that could make anyone want to just rip their ears off so they wouldn’t have to listen to it go on.

The car went silent after awhile and Axel parked, “Alright, we’re at our second stage of attack.”

Sephiroth rubbed at his eyes, “Second stage?”

Axel nodded, “Correct. What we’re going to do is destroy this magazine company, or at least destroy most of their copies.”

Cloud leaned his head out the window, “Is this that Cannon Ten place??”

Axel shook his head, “No, this is just a normal smut magazine.”

Sephiroth yawned and got out of the car, “Let’s make this snappy. I’m going to rampage up on the top floor, alright?”

They sectioned off where they would go, and briskly walked in.

After a half hour Sephiroth stared at his watch and finished a cup of coffee, going into the elevator and going back down. He had done absolutely nothing. He just took free coffee, read a magazine, and talked to a few people about how business was going. Hell, he even signed a few autographs.

The elevator stopped and the doors opened, Cloud stepped in and yawned, plopping Leon’s body down onto the floor, “That was fun. I think I just ruined Leon’s life.”

“What’d you do?”

“I think I raped a tree, but I can’t really remember. I accidentally sniffed some glue fumes in one of the chemically areas…”

Sephiroth stared down at him, no wonder he looked like he was tripping…

The door opened again and Leon came in with pure angst on his face, “Remind me again why we did this?”

Sephiroth blinked, “Because Axel thought of it?”

Cloud looked up at him somewhat dreamy, “What happened to you?”

Leon turned around, “Your pants ripped.”

Cloud stared at his body, the hole in the pants was really huge and he could see his underwear. He frowned slightly, “Jesus, Leon, can’t you be a tad bit nicer with my clothes??”

Leon faced Cloud, “Next time don’t wear such tight clothes…”

Sephiroth had tried not to pay attention, but couldn’t help smirking as he had saw the rip and listened to the two bicker.

Before he could make some lewd remark the elevator stopped and the lights went off, everything made that insane noise as if to say ‘well you’re ******** now!’

The elevator had come to a complete stop.

“Is this normal?” Cloud asked scared.

Leon just grunted and Sephiroth shrugged.

They sat there for five minutes and finally Sephiroth and Leon took a seat on the floor with Cloud. This was probably going to get ugly really quickly.

“I’m freezing my a** off,” Leon grumbled and tried to curl up to keep warm.

“Want me to hold you?” Cloud asked.

There was silence, even Sephiroth wasn’t sure if that had actually just happened or not.

“No,” Leon finally answered forcibly.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to have my poor body get frostbite.”

“It isn’t snowing in here, idiot. And even if it was I don’t want you touching me.”

“Wow, angst much?”

“Cloud…just die.”

“I suppose if you don’t want your body back I can commit suicide right now.”

Sephiroth listened as Cloud tried to find a knife, “Let’s not do that?”

They fell silent again, Sephiroth yearned to say the word ‘awkward’ again, just because whenever he was with these two they were always bitchy towards each other. Though the three of them had been friends he had never realized how much they fought until now. Who knew that it’d take an elevator to awaken the truth?

Cloud started to hum ‘Love In An Elevator’ by Aerosmith, which made Leon groan.

“Please don’t hum.”

“Why?”

“Because my voice was not made to do that.”

“I don’t know, your voice is kind of hot.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Maybe you should sing? I like my voice!”

“No.”

“Come on, Leon, I think you’d like my singing voice, too!”

Sephiroth sat there silent as usual and Leon groaned, “That was really hot, I think I was turned on by your beautiful singing voice.”

It went silent.

Leon finally spoke, “Sephiroth…don’t speak. Ever. I hate Axel’s voice.”

“I’m sorry?”

“There you go again. His voice makes me want to rip my ears off.”

Cloud butted in, “No! I like my ears!!”

Leon growled, “I hate this. Where is Axel? I want him to rip open this door right now and save us, considering he’s got your body…”

Sephiroth shrugged, “He probably hit his head on the door frame and passed out.”

It went silent again.

Cloud sighed, “You know…I’ve always wanted to make out with myself.”

Sephiroth scooted closer to his corner, “Okay now you’re creeping me out.”

Leon scoffed, “You’re not the one he wants to make out with.”

Cloud laughed, “No seriously, I mean…how else would you know if you’re a good kisser?”

“You ask people.”

“They could lie.”

“Then maybe you should just give it up?”

“But it’s kind of fun.”

“Really…”

“Yeah I actually made out with someone on my floor near the glue vats. It was kind of kinky.”

Haha, I feel so bad for them.


Body switching is aweosme, I love it.


Leon was amazing in that chapter. It was totally his moment to shine!


And the brainwashing is interesting.



I love how long each chapter is getting.

Xemnas nodded, “I could believe it. Anyway, you can come with us…maybe…point us in the direction not to go?”

Zexion rubbed his head and nodded, “Yeah…okay…”

They continued onward and Zexion pointed which directions he had gone. It did seem to look like a bunch of dead ends. Though, one stood out among them all.

“Maybe…we should go down that one?”

Zexion shuddered, “Are you serious?”

Xemnas nodded, “I don’t care what it looks like, as long as we get through and get help…”

And so they went through a hall filled with pink and rainbows, stuffed animals and chocolates. It was almost nauseating. Zexion shuddered a few times as they continued onward, their group firmly pressed together to make sure none of them fell into some type of booby trap.

They reached the end rather quickly. In fact it was only 20 or so feet.

“Well that was pointless,” Zexion mumbled wondering why he hadn’t gone through it before.

There in front of them was a mass of fangirls working away at computers deleting brain matter at the speed of light. Everyone fell silent as they watched their victim, Sephiroth, lay unconscious on a metal slab as these girls worked away figuring out what to keep and what to throw out.

Leon turned to Xemnas, “What…should we do?”

Xemnas continued to stare and then nodded, “Get Sephiroth unplugged and if any of them come at you be ready to fight.”

Zexion nodded, “Alright, I’ll get Sephiroth!”

They split up with Zexion sneaking toward the middle of the room. No one turned to look at him, they just continued onward. He looked about and then grabbed the wires on Sephiroth and yanked as hard as he could. Noises from all over started to go off, most were from High School Musical. The girls started to shriek and whipped around to see who was interfering with their diabolic, yet sugar-coated, plan!

“Zexion!!! Why aren’t you with Larxene? And what do you think you’re doing to Sephiroth??”

Zexion stiffened, normally not one to like the spotlight. Yes, a random beam of bright light shone down on him as the girls gave him a demonic glare. He started to sweat slightly trying to think of a good lie.

Ah, of course!

“I don’t LIKE Larxene. And…uh…”

His eyes went to Sephiroth, “I’m in LOVE with Sephiroth!! I can’t let you hurt him! He’ll never know who I am if you erase his memories!!”

Leon, Saix, and Xemnas scooted about to find some of the others letting Zexion handle this situation. He seemed a good enough actor as it was.

“You love Sephiroth??”

“Y-yes!! I can’t deny it!!”

The girls all looked at each other puzzled and one spoke up, “But he’s like…mean…and aggressive and you just want attention.”

Zexion wanted to yell at her that he wasn’t an attention whore but bit his tongue. This wasn’t the time to let his anger get in the way.

“B-but he’ll torture me…and…oooh I love being tortured by strong men!”

He gave a fleeting sigh of romantic gushiness and everyone cooed at him. It was almost as if he was a girl himself, which made him feel even more pathetic.

“Oh Zexion, we never knew how you felt about Sephiroth! If only you told us sooner!!”

Zexion glared, “Well I would have but I got lost in your damn hallways.”

“Well we don’t want anyone getting out!! That’d be bad!”

The girls nodded and one stepped forward to put the wires back on Sephiroth, “We’ll program into his mind that he loves you and remembers you, alright?”

Zexion looked around to see where the others were at. Hopefully they knew what they were doing.

“Y-yeah! Okay!”

And not so far off Xemnas, Saix, and Leon were near the mainframe of the building. It had random buttons everywhere and heart shaped stickers plastered on the spaces that weren’t covered in buttons. The machine gave a slight hiccup and giggled and the screen was in hues of pink instead of grayscale.

“One of these has to be the button to turn off all the electricity in this place. If we can hit that I’m sure we can get everyone out, though some people may not have their memories back…”

Saix blinked, “I supposed we could just…relearn everything we used to do.”

Leon scratched his head, “That’d take forever…”

Xemnas nodded, “Yes…it will…maybe if the girls can’t find us we can find a super computer to regain the memories and conduct our own experiment with fixing memories?”

Saix continued to stare at Xemnas, “Do…you even know how to do that?”

Xemnas shook his head, “No, but I can learn!”

Their thoughts went back to the thousands of buttons before them. They had to hurry before the girls found out that Zexion’s act was nothing but a pack of lies. But which button was it? None of them were labeled, just smiles and stickers littered it.

“Out of all of these buttons…which one looks like it would turn the whole building off?”

Saix poked one and Xemnas growled, but the lights all went off and they were in the dark.

“How’d you know??”

“It had a picture of some old dude on it. Wouldn’t that turn you off?”

Xemnas fell into complete silence. Who knew that Saix had such a foul mind?

“Let’s…just go.”

They went back down the hallway to hear screams and other types of yelps going on. Zexion was dragging Sephiroth from his spot on the table to one of the exits, or at least a hallway that would possibly lead to something to an exit, if such a thing existed in this place.

The others soon caught up with him to help, and they were off to figure out how to get the hell out of here.

That was when they bumped into Roxas who was crying like mad.

“I’m scared of the dark!!!”

“You poor thing,” Saix grumbled wondering why Sephiroth wouldn’t wake up with all this damn noise going on. He weighed a ton.

The boy attached himself to the first person in front of him, which was Zexion, and pouted, “Where are we going? Is Axel going to be there? I can’t see a thing!!”

Zexion didn’t EVER remember Roxas being this much of a wuss. Ugh, how annoying. “I’m sure he’ll be there. Now be quiet and keep moving.”

They continued onward in the dark bumping into walls and having to stop now and then to let Leon light the area so they could find a map. It wasn’t working out so well, they were mice stuck in a maze. At least they hadn’t run into any crazy women as of yet.

“Can we stop? Sephiroth is like a freaking log…”

Leon sighed and dropped his half, which was feet, “Yeah…I don’t think anyone is coming this way soon…”

Xemnas rubbed his back and sat down, “I wish we knew where the hell we were going.”

“I wish we weren’t in here.”

“I wish this place didn’t exist…”

They fell silent in a dreary moment of agony accepting their fates that possibly they’d just have to stay here forever when a noise in front of them caught their attention.

“Who’s there?” Xemnas hissed wondering whether it was possibly someone that wasn’t brain washed.

“Xaldin,” the voice grumbled and came into view.

The group sighed, though Leon was rather confused as to who it was this time.

“Are you…feeling okay?” Xemnas asked.

Xaldin snorted, “If you mean have I been brain washed in a torturous manner, no. I had to watch a few others go through it, though.”

The rest perked up, “Does that mean you know where they all are at?”

“It isn’t far from here, but it’s no use in trying to talk to them. They’re stuck in their own worlds now…especially Marluxia.”

Zexion stood up, “You mean…everyone has gone through it?”

Roxas cried, “What did they do to my Axel???”

Everyone slapped Roxas, “SHUT UP YOU WHINEY WHORE.”

Ahem.

Xaldin shook his head, “No, not everyone. Vexen, Demyx, and Axel weren’t in there with me. And I haven’t seen Cloud anywhere. Larxene’s disappeared from what I know, and a few of the brain washed have started to wander off to do their own thing.”

Xemnas rubbed his head, “Oh god…this makes things complicated.”

It was basically Zexion, Xaldin, and him that could do anything. Who knows what happened to Vexen, Demyx, and Axel… And Larxene would be of no help to them!

“We better devise a plan.”

Because their current one just was thrown out the window.

Saix stared out the window, “Damn, where the hell did that come from??”

Roxas watched their plan zoom about in the breeze, “I don’t know…it just appeared.”

Xemnas stared at the window and rubbed at his eyes. Had…he created a window just by his stupid thoughts? He hadn’t literally meant a window…but…wait. If they thought Sephiroth was heavy…that’s why he just..got heavier.

Everything didn’t make sense, and now it did!!

“Everyone…listen. If we think it, it happens. That’s why Sephiroth is hard to carry! We thought he was too heavy, so it maximized!”

Leon snorted, “I thought he just ate too much.”

“And the window! I thought about it just because it’s a dumb saying about…plans flying out the windows and such…and it happened! That means-“

Zexion butted in, “That we’re in Wonderland and those cards are going to screw us over!! Oh God!!”

Xaldin grabbed his collar and covered his mouth, “No, it means that if we think of a door, it should lead us to where we want. Got it?”

Zexion nodded.

A door soon appeared on the wall and they all looked at each other wondering who should open it.

Xaldin, being the closest, turned the knob and let it open up.

There was Axel, Demyx, and Vexen looking rather pathetic in their chains. Demyx was slumped over while Vexen tried to straighten his back before it snapped in two, and Axel was giving a pathetic moan of how he didn’t deserve this torture.

Roxas squealed, “Axel!!!”

He bolted through and latched himself onto the redhead, “I’ve been thinking about you this whole time!!! Are you alright??”

Axel stared at Roxas, “W-what?”

He couldn’t ever think of a moment when Roxas actually cared about his well being.

“Oh heavens, did they take your memory away?”

Xemnas came through, “Don’t be stupid, Roxas, they did nothing to them. He doesn’t know that you’ve been brain washed.”

Roxas glared, “I have not!!”

Xaldin glared at the brat, “Listen to him before I take care of you.”

He cracked his fingers in a menacing way and Roxas pouted, “F-fine. Whatever.”

Vexen sighed, “I’d hate to intrude on what you’re doing, but GET ME OUT OF THESE ******** SHACKLES!!”

Demyx nodded, “No kiddin’!”

Saix pulled out a key from who the hell knows where and unlocked them from their dreary prisoner shackles.

“Thank heavens…” Vexen grumbled and looked at them all, “So…Roxas is brain washed, who else?”

Leon and Saix raised their hands.

“Oh goodie…”

Axel sighed, “I can’t believe my grandma of all people is doing this to us!!”

“Maybe you should have killed her when you had the chance?”

“Yeah…you could have at least got some of her money.”

“And cats, from what I hear.”

Axel glared, “That’s terrible!! She’s the only person who would take me in!!”

Everyone gave him that ‘look’. Why would they care about him anyway? It was almost his fault that they were in this situation. They’d find a way to blame Axel, it just made things easier that way.

Leon broke the silence, “Alright…let’s find the others and get everyone to one place. Then we’ll see what we can do about the victims….Right now we need to make sure those fangirls don’t turn the power back on.”

They split up and one group went to find those wandering about while the other arrived within the brain washing corridors. The place was dark and cold. It had a slightly air of mint in it. Something like….peppermint…

Vexen snorted, “Sorry, I chew a lot of gum when I’m nervous.”

Xemnas sighed, “Okay…Vexen, you check that corner. Axel, go over there near the front, and Xaldin you can put Sephiroth down on that slab.”

They soon found Lexaeus under a pile of equipment, rather beaten up, but doing quite fine. He had been brain washed, too. His memory was only that of the Organization.

The other group, with Zexion, Saix, Leon, and Demyx, was going better than they had expected. It wasn’t too hard to find Xigbar and Luxord since they were busily singing drinking songs and eating candy that once imprisoned three people.

“Would you guys stop messing around? Just follow us.”

“Why should we?” Luxord growled and leaned against the wall.

“Because…the Superior told us to get you two!”

“He did?”

“Yes! It’s very important!”

Xigbar looked at Luxord curiously before shrugging, “It hasta be important if he wants us two.”

They groaned together and started to follow the group back when a loud noise came at them. Everyone fell onto their asses and cursed in a fury wondering what had just happened.

“Stop, you monsters, I’ll make you repay for killing everyone in Midgar!”

Leon stared as Cloud came at them with his giant sword of death. He didn’t know who the hell he was, but he knew that it would probably suck to fight against him. With a leap he pulled out his gunblade and struck Cloud’s sword with his.

“You’re not going to do anything, blondie.” He looked back at the others, “You guys go ahead, I’ll be there soon.”

Their group broke off leaving these two to battle.

Sephiroth had started to arouse from his slumber and rubbed at his head. There was this fuzzy memory sort of jammed in the back of his head, as if a cotton ball of love was trying to seed its way into his mind. He tried to shove it out, but he totally forgot exactly how to think, which was rather insane since he was doing it right now.

Whoa.

He groggily looked around and saw a bunch of people he didn’t know. Then again he couldn’t remember his own name.

How did one speak again?

Oh great, he was stuck thinking to himself, even though he didn’t remember how to think.

“Are you alright?” Axel asked as he waved his hand in front of his face.

“I have a rather odd sensation to make love to a boy dressed in dark clothing, but I can’t figure out exactly who that is and why I feel this way…”

He reached down to scratch his hip when something brushed his fingers. Wings.

“OH GOD!!”

Axel stared, “Cool, when did you get those?”

“I don’t know! I can’t remember anything!”

Axel reached out and touched them, “They’re really soft.”

Sephiroth felt Axel’s fingers brush the wings and he relaxed, “That feels good.”

“Does it?”

He brushed it a bit more.

Sephiroth smiled, “Ooh…”

Xemnas, who was standing in the corner looking rather disturbed at this whole thing, coughed slightly, “Um…could you two stop and help rewire this computer? We’ll never fix everyone if you keep touching each other.”

Sephiroth blinked, “Do I know you? Your voice makes me extremely furious.”

Xemnas opened his mouth and closed it. Well…for once he didn’t know what to say.

The door opened and Leon’s lot came in….without Leon. It seemed they had rounded up everyone.

Demyx sighed, “Leon ran into Cloud and they’re having an epic battle somewhere back there…”

Vexen appeared from around a corner holding a few wires and screws, “Well that’s good, at least someone is getting some exercise around here…”

As Zexion appeared in the doorway Sephiroth felt himself almost pant. Which was odd because he wasn’t a dog.

“I think we have everyone. There aren’t any fangirls anywhere…so I’m guessing they’re trying to turn the mainframe back on.”

Sephiroth walked over to Zexion and bent down on one knee, grabbing his hand, “I think I love you.”

Zexion stared, “Oh heavens. Xemnas…”

Xemnas was poking around at the back of a computer, “I know I’m trying to hurry. We’ll fix Sephiroth first…he’s a great asset to our group.”

Saix handed Xemnas a few tools as they progressed further into fixing one of the computers, “So…are our memories placed in these computers?”

“I’m guessing they’re saved on some back up on the main frame. Either that or they’re dwelling in the trash can on the desktop. It shouldn’t be too hard to retrieve them.”

The computer buzzed and turned on, lighting up the table that Sephiroth had once been on.

“Excellent! Now Sephiroth, sit over there! Zexion, put the wires on him. Axel, help me figure out which is true about Sephiroth, and Demyx stop playing with your belly button!”

Demyx frowned and sat on his hands. Roxas giggled, “Belly buttons look funny in the dark.”

…

Anyway.

Xemnas brought up the brain transfer documents and read through the agreements and the license obligations and whether he wanted the brain transfer website as his homepage. He clicked through it and watched it upload.

It blinked up in its gray format and went through a small tutorial on how to use it.

He clicked through it quickly and brought up Sephiroth’s brain matter and looked back. It seemed the guy looked rather pleased that he was going to be fixed.

“Alright…let’s see….pool the thoughts here…”

They were thrown into a type of circular area and there were two sections. Keep and Throw.

“Has a wild obsession about Zexion?”

Axel snorted, “Throw.”

“Sleeps only on his stomach.”

“Uhh…keep.”

“Loves small children!”

“Throw!”

“Likes to stare at his reflection?”

“….Throw?”

“Has a wild obsession with wanting to kill people in a desperate attempt to pay homage to his alien mother who he accidentally beheaded?”

“Throw.”

“Sleeps with men.”

“…….”

They both looked at each other and over at Sephiroth. Well.

“Well…we did say throw for the last few…so…keep?”

“We’re going to change his sexual orientation just because we haven’t put that many in the keep box??”

“…yes?”

“Axel, you’re sick.”

“I know.”

Xemnas dragged it over to the keep box and watched as another box popped up, “How many of these are there?”

Vexen came over, “Well considering it all makes up a person’s personality, it should be quite a large amount. Past the thousands.”

Xemnas gapped, “And how do the fangirls do it??”

Vexen shrugged, “Possibly each computer was divided up to use a different type of section of the mind? I don’t know…”

Demyx came over, “If you want it to go by faster you can always put a filter on it.”

Xemnas blinked, “You can filter his mind?”

Demyx nodded, “It’s called spam blocker.”

He typed in a few keywords and entered. About a million things went into the throw box. Only a few remained.

“Drinks Mountain Dew obsessively?”

Axel smiled, “Keep.”

“Forgets to sleep sometimes?”

“Keep.”

“Studies the art of karate?”

“Uh….keep?”

“Likes to lick the left side of a popsicle before the right side??”

“….Keep?”

“He’s going to be so ******** over once we’re done with him.”

“Yeah well it isn’t like he’ll know. Besides, we’ll have to do this to everyone else…I kind of think we’ll have to just go on a whim.”

Saix stared at them uncertain on how to take that. He didn’t want to be ******** over like poor Sephiroth. “Maybe I should make a list of things I like and don’t like…”

Xemnas snorted, “Oh please, I think I’d know the difference on what you like and don’t like. I mean, all I have to do is make sure it doesn’t sound like the Organization crap they put in here and you’ll be fine.”

Saix sighed and sat down. Might as well enjoy his life while it lasted.

“Can dance to the Can Can?”

“Keep.”

“Enjoys long walks on the beaches…”

“Throw.”

“Thinks about what to eat for dinner before going into the kitchen?”

“Throw.”

“Thinks cats are adorable.”

“Keep!”

It was then that the door busted open. Everyone whipped around to see Leon and Cloud standing there.

“Wait I thought you two were having an epic battle or something?” Demyx questioned somewhat confused.

Leon sighed, “Well…we were…but….”

He needn’t say more. Behind him were several fangirls with guns pointing at their heads. They swarmed in and grabbed onto everyone they could in the group.

“Grandmother is not going to like this. You’ve been very bad boys, and you’ll be punished severely!”

Xemnas right clicked on the ‘Keep’ box and clicked ‘Okay Remaining’ hoping that it’d give back Sephiroth’s needed evil demeanor. If Demyx’ spam blocker worked correctly…this man would return as the person he once was….

“Everyone, this way!!”

Xemnas slowly got up and looked over to Sephiroth as a few girls were awkwardly trying to grab up all of his limbs and body to drag him away.

A soft ping in the background told Xemnas the memory was uploaded.

As everyone was soon mashed into a small, dark, and dreary room it dawned on Xemnas that this could possibly be their only chance to become truly free….If they didn’t fight now…they’d be stuck in this dismal hell forever thinking they were someone else….

He couldn’t let that happen!

Axel’s Grandma shuffled to a small box and stepped on it, staring out over the group that was gathered.

“It’s good to see that you’ve all gathered here to hear what I have to say. Since you’ve been trying to plan an attack against us from the start we’ve decided that we’ll be separating you into new chambers. All brainwashing will be completed immediately and no one will be able to leave their rooms until otherwise stated.”

Sephiroth stared around and suddenly pulled out his Masume, “THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!! KILL THEM!!!”

He started to slice down fangirls by the dozens, screaming like a crazed man on crack. He was shaking with power, with a pure vigor that said insanity all over his devilish face. Sephiroth jumped from place to place attacking the girls as they flung in the air trying to kill him. It was like watching Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, except the voice over was much better.

Axel’s Grandma gasped, “Someone stop him! Saix, Leon, Cloud! Get him!!”

They didn’t budge.

“I said GET him! He’s destroying your friends!”

Cloud shook his head, “I don’t work for the likes of you!”

She stomped her foot, which busted the box and made her fall on the ground, “Someone stop that monster!!”

Marluxia slinked in, a sensual air about him, “The only monster here is you. Everyone, let’s show them who actually rules the roost around here.”

And then there was a giant freaking battle of ******** of doom. There were heads flying, screaming, pink gushing everywhere, and even some mooning going on. Uh, not THAT type of mooning…I meant…Saix was…doing his moon thing.

Ahem.

After a tediously long battle that seemed to never end, and there was even a break for coffee and donuts, everyone settled onto the ground to take a breather and smoke a few cigs.

“Are they dead yet?” Demyx asked getting rather tired of hitting people with his giant sitar.

“You know…you’re not supposed to actually…hit people with that thing. It’s rather expensive…”

“Shut up, I don’t even know how to play it!”

“Well that explains everything…”

Sephiroth was standing in the corner taking deep breaths into a paper bag while Cloud stood beside him.

“So…we’re not enemies?” Cloud asked watching the bag shrink and grow.

“No…it’s part of a game….we’re actually friends in the real world...” Sephiroth gave a deep sigh, “Your real name is Cloud Strauff, you know that right?”

Cloud shook his head.

“Ah…should have known. Look, why don’t you go get me a Mountain Dew and I’ll explain it in depth later?”

“But…won’t you kill everyone and I’ll be left by my lonesome to cope with the fact that I couldn’t save anyone for the life of me?”

“…..No?”

“….Okay.”

Cloud walked off to buy a Mt. Dew.

Sephiroth dropped the sack on the floor, “I’m going through some serious withdrawal….I need….some serious dosage of sedatives before I go blitz on this whole building.”

Axel scratched his nose, “Doesn’t Cloud normally go blitz?”

“I don’t CARE.”

Cloud came back and held out the pop, “Funny..I found this stuff in my pocket but I’m not sure as to why I have it there.”

Sephiroth almost drooled. Sedatives. He grabbed it from Cloud and used it.

And with the power of pure amazing he almost completely destroyed everyone in the building, not because he was out of control, because he liked to show off his power with confidence.

Axel’s Grandma lay on the ground slowly dying, “You won’t get away with this, boys….”

Axel cried a little, “But Grandma…can’t you give it up?”

“Never! The real boss….will show you what real torture is…”

She reached out to shake her fist and it slowly fell to the ground. Her body went limp. Axel cried and looked up at the camera, “NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”

Roxas grabbed onto Axel, “Oh My GAWD what did she do to you???”

Axel glared at Roxas, “You’re ruining my moment, idiot.”

“But Axel-“

“Shut up, I hate your guts.”

Roxas started to cry, and soon dashed off to go wipe his tears with sheets of love letters he had just recently written to Axel.

Zexion coughed slightly, “Um….so….about getting out of here.”

Vexen appeared with a pipe sticking out of his mouth, “It’s fairly simple. Since the fangirls in this area have been destroyed the building will soon collapse on itself, and we can easily escape since there won’t be any high tech borders keeping us in.”

They all thought about that before giving him a curious look.

“Collapse?”

And with a thunderous crash, the whole building went down like dominos.

It wasn’t until a half hour later that they all were recovered and sent to a hospital. The Cannon Ten woman was there interviewing Saix.

“So tell me, Saix, did you get to have hot lustful sex with your true love?”

Saix blinked, “How does a Nobody love?”

She blinked, “Well….um…you take the p***s and-“

“You don’t know, do you? Maybe you should rethink your job very carefully before you continue onward with this interview.”

She walked off rather dumbfounded and Xemnas looked at Saix, “You don’t actually believe that Nobody crap, do you?”

“No, but it’s nice to take advantage of that knowledge when you need it…”

Xemnas snorted and tried to move, though couldn’t since he had a neck brace on, “She said…that…there was a boss higher than her. Does that mean we’re going to have to go through more hell?”

Demyx, who was in the bed besides Xemnas gave a small whimper, he had broken a finger, “I hope not.”

Sephiroth burst in angrily, “Doesn’t ANYONE know how to remove wings from someone’s hips?!?!”

They all stared.

Axel sighed, “This…is going to be one hell of a long torture scheme, isn’t it?”

And secretly, far away in a world that wasn’t related to this beautiful fiction, a girl nodded. Hell yes there was more torture to come.

And it was going to be so blatantly painful that not even a sedated and over-Mountain Dew’d Sephiroth would be able to handle it.

“….Oh great.”

You said it!
OoOoOoOoOoOo
OoOoOoOoOoOo

XDD Well I couldn't go into vast detail on the FF thing because I've never palyed it. So I just applied it to Xemnas. XDDD

Yeah, that chapter was definitely filled with crack and awesome.

She was extremely large taking up the chair so much it looked like she was perching on air. Her hair was mousy brown and she had an extremely large mole on her upper lip. She was dressed in layers of purple and cascades of red hues. A small hat perched on her head with sunglasses to match and her lips were an exotic red color. The girl next to her look like she was anorexic and from some type of black hole filled with random rainbow colors. Her eyes were dark along with her hair, but the things she wore were exuberantly colored and layered. At the moment she had on a long sleeved rainbow shirt with black skulls all over it, high boots with a million buckles and random carebears on them, and some type of skirt thing that looked like it was cut into a million pieces. She was wearing fishnet tights to accommodate it all, and her lipstick was a bright blue.

“Ah, sit down my little dumpling, I’m surprised at how tall and disgustingly skinny you’ve grown! I could practically eat you alive like a delicious coffee flavored pocky stick dipped in orange tang yogurt and topped with sprinkles…” she giggled slightly, some of her rolls jiggling along with her.

“Um…wait what?” Axel had gotten lost in the whole conversation. He was kind of hungry.

“I haven’t seen you in ages.”

“Me? Wait, you know me? Huh??”

Loz laughed at how clueless Axel was, “Of course she knows you, are you that clueless?”

“Me?? Of course I’m clueless!!”

The woman switched over to her other side and smiled, “Dearie, I want you to look deeply into my eyes and to listen very carefully.”

Axel struggled a bit as he was shoved forward to look at her. She had a rather nice green hue to her dazzling eyes, though they were rather beady. In fact, that green was totally familiar.

“Do…I know you?” how could he forget someone who had such distinctive features about them?

“Axel, or shall I call you Markypoo? You know me. You’ve known me your whole life. Come on, think about it.”

He paused before pulling back, “Nooo…you…you can’t be-“

“Oh yes, I am.”

“You’re the IRS coming to get me!!”

“Um…no you’re not quite on the dot…”

“Oh. Uh. Are you the First Lady?”

“Nooo…”

“My mom?”

“YES!! That’s it! You’ve remembered me! Ah, come here and give mommy a hug, snookypoo!”

Axel crossed his arms over his chest, “Hey wait a minute, my parents aren’t alive anymore.”

She laughed heartily, “Oh hunny bunny, you’ve got it all wrong. That was just a scandal set up by the government to keep me a secret. You see, I’ve been working in this fangirl business for years. There’s an international corporation supporting this boost of fangirlism, and not to mention the many magazine and papers ads that often involve human scandals and love affairs that don’t really exist.”

Axel frowned, this wasn’t good.

“Child, I’ve been raising you to be the perfect boy for all girls to love and adore. Well, I had been but had to hand you over to your grandmother ever since your father and I divorced. It was the custody argument, and we both were unfit for taking care of you. But understand that we both love you dearly and are trying our best to make your future perfect. We heard about your rebellious little group you’ve gathered with and I got Lolzy love here to play his part in getting you here. Isn’t he such a good little boy?”

She pinched Loz’ cheeks happily before turning back to him.

“And we’re going to do to you what we did to him. It’ll straighten up your little attitude.”

Axel gulped, “Uh…what did you do to him?”

His mom snapped her fingers, “Go ahead, Lilian-Flower-Poodle-Fluff, show him how it works.”

The scary chick stood up and pulled out a pink phone with fluff and gooey happiness all over it, skulls covering up some of the flowers and on the end of her phone was a keychain of Axel.

Well, at least he was popular, eh?

She flipped it open and clicked a few buttons before holding it against Axel’s ear.

And then the whole world changed.

It was as if the thing had sucked his soul from his body and captured it into the tiny little memory chip of death that will probably end up getting flushed down a toilet on accident. It was the sound, though, that came from the phone that had reaped Axel of everything he knew. Once it was done he saw the world in a completely different light.

“I should re-dye my hair red again!! Ah!! And where’s my eyeliner?!?!”

His mother clapped happily, “Ohoho, these fools will never know what hit them. Now listen to me, Axel,” he turned to look at her, “your mission is to convert everyone to our little group, got it?”

“How shall I do that, mother?”

“Easy. Use this cell phone, when we call you it well set off the sound. And from there…well, everything will work itself out from then on.”

She handed him a cell phone and brushed her fingers through his hair, “Now go make mommy proud, hmm?”

“Yes malady!”

He turned and headed out, Loz following him. It wasn’t long for the group to get back together. Of course, when I say long I meant 5 hours later when everyone was leaving.

Sephiroth came out noticing he was missing a large amount of his clothes, someone had torn half of them off of him when he walked by. It was rather…alarming. Not to mention he was tired and cranky and wanted to lay down. His legs hurt and his abdomen hurt from running into so many elbows. Damn short people dancing crazy…

The others were pretty much in the same boat besides that Cloud had a black eye after having a drunken fist fight with some blonde chick that looked a lot like him. He was never going to do that again.

“Did anyone…um…meet my date?” Sephiroth mumbled under his breath while Loz carried Vincent away bridal style.

“Nope, I was too busy fighting someone,” Cloud muttered.

Leon shook his head while the brothers sighed together.

Axel scratched his noise, “Well I found someone who met up with Loz, but it wasn’t who we thought it would be. And believe me, they weren’t evil or masterminds behind some fangirl attack.”

Sephiroth groaned, “That’s ridiculous.”

Axel looked at him, “What?”

“That…we didn’t find anyone. They said to watch Loz…but that didn’t work.”

“Maybe they were spying on us to see if we’d actually show up?”

“Well they’re obviously going to get a rather bad review next time they want to try and talk to us.”

Sephiroth got in the car and sighed as it felt nice to sit for once. He ached. And he forgot he had hip wings. He noticed he was missing a few feathers, so what? He was molting. Like he could help it.

They drove to Sephiroth’s house to regain some ground. They had to figure out what exactly was going on here. Someone was controlling Vincent and Loz with their…emotions. And they knew their every move. And they couldn’t just…NOT show up, because how else would they meet?

Complicated.

Cloud poked at his ice cream while the others sat there stony-faced and distant.

“Come on, cheer up, at least we found out a few things today, right?”

“That our killer has us by the balls?”

“Well…I wouldn’t put it like that…but yeah.”

The group groaned in agony. The only one who looked rather ecstatic was Axel.

“I think Cloud is right, why look so upset about this? I think we should drink like crazy old people tonight and worry about it tomorrow!”

“Do we have to act old?”

“Nah, we can act our age if we want to.”

And so, after some passing moments, everyone was drinking and chugging booze as fast as possible. There was no point to their little celebration besides to hopefully die from being too intoxicated.

Several hours later from twirling lights, loud noises, odd screaming, and finding that toilets don’t move while you go to the bathroom….Sephiroth awoke in a really odd position in the corner of his bedroom. He stretched and groaned at the fact that it was bright outside.

“My retinas hate you…”

He turned his head and found Axel RIGHT THERE. Eugh. Stupid drunk trying to get down his pants.

“Axel, get off,” Sephiroth mumbled as he started to get up. Axel’s phone went off. He looked around and noticed no one else was moving to get it. Slowly he reached over and picked it up.

“Hello-“

He paused.

He didn’t hear a thing. Hmmph, talk about pathetic prank phone call.

“Mkay, then,” Sephiroth shut it angrily and threw it over near Cloud, watching it smash into the guy’s face. He laughed maniacally for a good ten seconds before getting up to make himself some coffee.

Of course the person on the other end was the thin gangly chick who seemed rather put off that Sephiroth was unaffected by the power of the noise. She wondered why it hadn’t worked…

Cloud rubbed his face and heard the cell phone ring. He picked it up himself and put it against his hear, “Hullo?”

He felt something really odd happen to him. Like…a penetration of his thoughts. Cloud was unable to control his own thoughts, it was as if everything jumbled right there.

“Ahh…uhh..”

He tried to think of a way to scream, but forgot how. The phone dropped from his hands and he shook slightly trying to get the odd feeling from his mind, but it wouldn’t go away!

“Uhh…”

He stood up only to fall backward and hit a few things off from their place. Sephiroth came back in, the others were slowly walking up.

“Something wrong, Cloud?”

Cloud’s eyes dilated for a few seconds before returning back to normal, “I’m fine, I just stood up too fast.”

Sephiroth frowned, “Then clean up the mess you just created.”

That’s right, Sephiroth gave no sympathy.

Axel opened his eyes as Sephiroth went out and found Cloud smiling at him. He smiled back knowing what had happened. Stupid Sephiroth, he obviously did not see what was going on. But that was for their benefit.

Once everyone was awake and at the breakfast table, Leon was the first to bring up the subject on what they should do, “I think it’d be best that we go back to the mall area where we sat last time. That’s where they first talked to us, we can probably be contacted there again.”

Kadaj and Yazoo nodded slowly, it seemed like a good idea.

Sephiroth frowned, “What if they have a trap planned out for us? That could be dangerous, we’d walk right into it.”

“We’ll have to risk that, now won’t we?”

“I say we stay put and let them find us-“

“They won’t come after us-“

“Of course they would, how else will they get their dazzling plan done if they don’t attack us?”

Leon frowned, “I say we find a better way around this than letting our enemy attack us.”

“Fine.”

Kadaj and Yazoo now frowned, were Leon and Sephiroth fighting over such a stupid thing?

Axel smiled, “Hey, I think if the mall idea doesn’t work THEN we wait here, eh?”

Cloud nodded, “Exactly, no point in chasing an enemy if they don’t want us to find them.”

Sephiroth glared at them, “You two are so naïve.”

Cloud shrugged, “Get used to it.”

Sephiroth glared again before looking at his coffee cup, he wasn’t in a good mood. Everyone could sense his anger and hatred flowing off of him in waves, as if knives were being thrown at everyone sitting there. The brothers mumbled a bit about the weather while everyone else finished eating.

They got up and went out the door to their destination, Cloud and Axel rather happy and exuberant about everything.

“It’s so bright out today!”

“And colorful, I really think today is probably the prettiest day I’ve ever seen.”

“Look at all the cute animals! Even the bunnies are out.”

Sephiroth seethed with hate. Stupid happiness, it should die in a terrible hell that engulfed hatred and lots of blood in it. He wanted the whole world to explode in an angry fury. Oooooh, how he would adore watching little bunnies being exploded like chunks of dynamite.

“Sephiroth? I think you’re…um….breaking the seatbelt…”

Sephiroth turned his head and noticed he had completely smashed the thing into tiny little bits that littered the car. Hell it wasn’t his, why should he care?

Leon frowned, “Is there a reason why you’re in such a bad mood, or is it because you didn’t get your ******** you.”

“You would.”

Sephiroth glared and saw Cloud smiling. His deadly eyes landed on the blonde, “Wipe that ridiculous smile off of your face.”

Cloud laughed, “Why? Does it….turn you on?”

Sephiroth smiled sarcastically, “Oh yeah, every time I see you.”

Axel beamed, “Wow! No wonder you’re always cynical, you’re trying to cover it up.”

Sephiroth moved back in his spot deciding there was no point in continuing this argument. He had already given up on them.

Once they had parked and began to head in they found some resistance from Sephiroth. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to go in, it was the fact that he had other plans and was trying to leave them behind.

“Hey, Sephiroth, come on. Stop being such a crybaby.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. Come on!”

Cloud pulled on Sephiroth’s arm while the brothers hung back slightly not sure if they wanted to see Sephiroth explode into anger and possibly slaughter random poodles that were being walked around today.

It was then that Axel and Cloud started to get the very erotic high that Vincent and Loz would often get around each other. Except this time it was directed at Sephiroth, because initially he had picked up the phone and was exposed to the sound. What wasn’t known that Sephiroth was insanely good at hearing the sound waves in different types of sections, therefore causing the sound to be nothing but silence, and the soft breath of the girl on the other side.

“Your pissy side is kind of hot, I think I’d sleep with you if I really wanted to,” Cloud mentioned out loud.

Sephiroth did NOT want to hear THAT.

And then Axel pitched in, “I think Cloud’s right. You are rather arousing when you’re in a bad mood.”

“I’m glad you’re enjoying it…” Sephiroth spat, of course he wasn’t sure how else to react besides this way.

“And your wings…” Cloud reached back and touched Sephiroth’s lovely attachments.

He stopped and shoved Cloud away from him, “Okay the joke’s over. Touch me again and I’ll personally break every bone in your body.”

Leon turned to them, he was in the front, “Could we not fight?”

Kadaj and Yazoo stopped, bringing up the back, “Yeah this is just splitting us up not keeping us together.”

Axel laughed, “Just because Sephiroth is a bit sensitive about his sexuality.”

Sephiroth had NO idea what that even MEANT. He was guessing it all…but dear god. He didn’t want to deal with this anymore.

“What?”

Cloud nodded, “Oh yeah, we know all about your little secret.”

Leon crossed his arms over his chest, “Are you guys done?”

Axel grabbed Sephiroth’s hand, “Maybe Sephiroth should demonstrate to them what we mean? We know you like it our way.”

“Your way?” Sephiroth pulled his hand back.

It was then that all of them gapped at what happened next. Axel and Cloud grabbed each other in a dead heat and made out so much it almost caused everyone to lose their breakfast.

Slowly it came to the others that these two were infected…with whatever Vincent and Loz had. Yes, now it was an infection because they had no idea what else to call it. Axel was following Loz around closely, after all.

“Okay…uh…could you guys not do that in public? Um…” Sephiroth was speechless. It wasn’t the fact that…it was Cloud, because he was expecting Cloud to break sooner or later and come out of the closet wearing rainbow underwear. It was the fact that Axel was clearly participating, and this wasn’t a joke.

Ugh. Ew ew.

They, of course, didn’t stop.

“Cloud, Axel….stop. Now. People are looking,” Leon hissed at them.

The brothers covered their eyes, “Yeah, do stop. We get the idea.”

Axel slowly pulled away, “Oh…but…its so invigorating.”

Sephiroth snarled, “No its NOT. Now keep it in your PANTS and let’s get a move on. The public does not want to see your hormones all over each other, okay?”

Of course, when Sephiroth said ‘the public’ he had totally ruled out all fangirls that could ever think that they were part of the human population.

They both kept smiling at each other and holding hands happily, “Yeah okay…Sephiroth…we’ll be good,” Cloud giggled and winked at Axel who smiled back.

The group threw up a little in their mouths before heading onward to the mall spot. They waited for several minutes in hope of hearing the voice. With terrible luck they heard nothing.

“Maybe they’re closed on Saturdays?”

“Shut up,” Sephiroth snapped at Kadaj as he looked around trying to see if anyone looked suspicious or familiar from yesterday.

No one.

Cloud and Axel still had their eyes locked onto each other, both blowing little kisses filled with mushy love that could make any human being barf kittens and puppies repeatedly.

Sephiroth tapped his foot somewhat and sighed, “I don’t think anyone is going to talk to us….”

Leon looked at the clock and shrugged, “Let’s wait another 10 minutes, it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

As the time slowly dragged by they had found nothing suspicious. Sephiroth moved to get up and leave in an obvious anger, he had known that nothing special would happen. It was then that Axel’s phone went off again. He paused in his actions and turned his head noticing Axel was not going to pick it up.

He glared and picked up the phone to look at the number. It didn’t say who it was from.

“It’s for you,” Sephiroth said and put it in front of Cloud’s face.

Cloud took it slowly and answered, “Hello?”

He paused and blinked happily, “Oh, no, it’s for Leon.”

He held it out for Leon to grab, but Sephiroth snatched it up, “I highly doubt that,” he closed it with one hand and glared at Cloud and Axel who still hadn’t broke their eye contact.

“Cloud, have you answered Axel’s phone before? Like…during this morning?”

“Oh yes…it was the wrong number.”

“What about you, Axel?”

“No…I was asleep I do believe.”

“Asleep?”

“Yup.”

“What about yesterday?”

“What of yesterday?”

“Did anyone call you?”

“Yeah…probably. I can’t remember.”

Sephiroth grabbed Axel by his collar and ripped him upward off of his seat, eyes connecting with Axel’s this time, “Listen carefully, Axel, because I’m not going to repeat myself and dance in circles until I get the right answer. Did someone call you yesterday?”

“Y-yes?”

“Who?”

“It…was the wrong number.”

“What did you hear?”

“Um…a noise.”

Cloud smiled, “Hey I heard a noise, too!”

Sephiroth threw Axel back into his seat, “Good.”

Leon frowned, “That’s good?”

“No, but it’s better than these two idiots fawning over each other! We need to figure out where this number is coming from…and who it is that is calling. They’re bound to be linked to this mess somehow…”

Yazoo stood up, “Wouldn’t the number be in Loz’ or Vincent’s phone?”

Sephiroth nodded, “Most likely…”

Kadaj smiled, “Then we just have to sneak around and check…or at least ask one of them.”

Leon stood up, also, and grabbed his stuff, “Then let’s go-“

Suddenly a loud noise was heard behind them, like the crashing of a thousand glass pieces upon a newly tiled floor.

When everyone turned around they saw a terribly large woman with a meek girl beside her practically enveloped in the woman’s rolls. She was wearing a classy pink hat upon her mousy brown hair and other pink accessories that made Sephiroth’s eyes cry slightly. The girl looked like a ******** over rainbow with mixes of dead animals or something on her.

“What the hell…”

They had incidentally smashed through the glass ceiling for no apparent reason besides for a very dramatic entrance, and probably will win an award once the whole ordeal was over.

“Who are you?” Yazoo asked curiously laying his eyes upon the meek girl, who he was secretly going to be attracted to because torturing the thought of Yazoo being with a girl, or an OC for that matter, was totally worth it.

“I am the boss behind all of this, you may come to know me as….AXEL’S MOTHER.” Dramatic music ensued as the large woman spat out her speech in an excited and evil tone.

The meek girl blinked a few times before opening her mouth, “I am Lilian-Flower-Poodle-Fluff and I am going to turn all of you into real characters that all fangirls have known and loved for the past several years.”

The group wasn’t exactly sure how to handle this. Axel and Cloud were…well…already forced to the dark side. When it came to the meeting of the real masterminds, though, it almost made them feel like they were complete idiots for not seeing it before. Not that they would ever target large women as a total force behind turning normal people into fake characters for their own pleasure or anything…

“Wait…you’re the one who keeps calling us?” Sephiroth finally broke the silence.

She nodded, “You picked up the phone before, don’t you remember?”

“Yes, I heard you breathing on the other line….which is rather creepy and irritating if you think about it.”

The girl frowned, “You didn’t hear the noise?”

“I didn’t hear any noise, just you.”

Axel’s mother seemed to whimper slightly before glaring at Lilian-Flower-Poodle-Fluff, “I thought you said it’d work on ALL of them. Sephiroth is the BEST out of all these men, we can’t have real hero characters going about without their evil villain!!”

“I thought it would work, it did on Loz, Vincent, and these two! Why wouldn’t it work on Sephiroth??”

Yazoo smiled, “Perhaps he’s too evil for your diabolic plans?”

The girl looked at him and they connected eyes for a moment, she broke away with a slight blush, “But…but….no that’s not possible-“

Sephiroth pulled out his weapon, “Well it was nice knowing you and all, but I have a job to do.”

Leon did the same with the brothers but Cloud and Axel stepped into the way of protecting the women, “We can’t let you kill them! They’re true masterminds!! We enjoy our new thoughts and feelings of being real characters!”

Sephiroth sighed, “No…you think you do because they have forced you into liking it…”

Lilian-Flower-Poodle-Fluff gave Sephiroth a tedious look, “It wasn’t forced! They answered the phone willingly!”

“You never gave us time to actually accept the fact on whether we wanted to be controlled by your mind games, so clearly it was forced.”

“That isn’t force-“

“Than what would you call it?”

“I call it advantages and disadvantages.”

“Which deals with force-“

“No it doesn’t!”

The large woman groaned, “Enough BITCHING already and start fighting. I don’t have all day for this bullshit.”

And so an epic battle went out into full decked fighting with flashing lights, deadly music, a chorus, and several cheerleaders dressed in tight leather with whips and chains to accommodate their fluffy pom-poms.

Of course the battle actually lasted ten seconds because no one knew what they were doing besides swinging their weapons in anger and accidentally destroying a whole Mountain Dew stand.

“Oh my God!! Noo!!!”

Sephiroth cupped his hands and tried to catch the pouring liquid so that it wouldn’t be wasted. The others stood around awkwardly wondering what they should do about the whole incident. It wasn’t like they had meant to upset Sephiroth in destroying the stand….

Cloud went over to Sephiroth, “Are you alright, Sephiroth? I can always get you a much better Mountain Dew stand!”

Sephiroth glared, “Better? How can you out beat something so beautiful? It even had keychains!!!”

“I can make something better than keychains…”

“Like…what?”

Cloud grabbed Sephiroth’s hand, which was wet and soon to be sticky thanks to his failed saving attempt of the yellow liquid.

“I can make love to you…”

Sephiroth blinked and frowned, “That isn’t better than keychains…”

“Oh but it is! Just let me-“

Sephiroth got up and shoved Cloud to the floor, the blonde splashed the Mountain Dew farther, “I remember what we were doing! Where is that fat lard of a woman?”

He turned his head, but alas the blob had disappeared with the meekly girl, “Damn.”

“I think they went that way,” Leon pointed and their group rushed off, Axel staying behind to help poor Cloud.

They pushed over stands, people, and little dogs while rounding the corner, soon stopping to see the rainbow colored girl wiring her cell phone up to the intercom. She was going to play the noise and possibly destroy them all. Well, not actually destroy, more like cause them to lose their personalities and turn into simpering dogs that wanted to hump each other.

Sephiroth rushed over, long legs stretching out under him, and grabbed the cell phone, her hand still under his.

“You will stop this nonsense!”

Sephiroth reached to pull the plug…and considering his hands were wet and the thing was electrical…

Both were sent into quite the lovely shock.

After awhile they both let go of the damn thing and noticed the phone was completely fried…not to mention they were rather twitchy.

“Ohh…you..you fiend!!”

She shook her fist, though it only looked like she was having a seizure from her own spasmodic fits. Sephiroth laughed and stepped on it and smiled as he heard it crush under his foot, “It’s too bad that you can’t use your cell phone anymore. It seems you’ve lost.”

The large woman giggled, “Oh but darling, Axel and Cloud are now ours….along with our other army of men.”

Leon turned his head, “Army of..men?”

It was then that he saw the whole Organization standing there with their arms either linked or all over someone else beside them. It was…definitely interesting. Not to mention Leon could see other characters in there. Like poor Sora, and there was Auron. Eek, this was way too much to even think about…

“See, darlings? You’re the only ones who aren’t under our control. No matter, we’ll get you soon enough.”

She laughed loudly and maniacally, her vocals caused a tremor in the whole building, and alas the place fell silent once she finished.

“Get them.”

The entire band of men jumped into action to render them into a beaten pulp of blood and broken egos within a matter of minutes.

And that was when everyone blacked out…