The Joke Thread!

[Reeves]

Sorry, I gotta keep these jokes coming. This is the same structure as yours, Ribbish, just...different. xd

Three nuns are waiting to get into heaven. St. Peter says they may enter if they answer one question each correctly. The first nun, very nervous, says, "I am ready, St. Peter."

St. Peter asks, "What was the name of the first man God created?"

A look of relief appears on the nun's face and she says, "Oh, that's Adam."

Then God's holy light came forth, the angels sang, and the pearly gates opened, allowing the nun to go into heaven. The second nun, not so nervous, says, "I am ready, St. Peter."

St. Peter asks, "What was the name of the first woman God created?"

The nun says excitedly, "Why, that's Eve!"

Then God's holy light came forth, the angels sang, and the pearly gates opened, allowing the nun to go into heaven. The third nun without delay says, "Tell me my question, St. Peter!"

St. Peter asks, "What was the first thing Eve ever said to Adam?"

The nun, shocked, frowns and says, "Oh, my goodness, that's a hard one."

Then God's holy light came forth, the angels sang, and the pearly gates opened...  

[Ribbish]

I love religious jokes XD

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says "We have just one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Immediately St. Peter pops up, with the ugliest man she's ever seen. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man, and again he chains them together for the same eternal punishment.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, she's very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, and finally one day St. Peter appears before her again. With him is the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - tall, lean, nicely muscled, great teeth and hair and the most beautiful eyes. Without a word to the woman, St. Peter chains them together and leaves.

She decides to makes her introductions - "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" she says.

"Couldn't tell you.." says the bloke, ".. but all I did was step on a friggin duck."  

[Reeves]

The son of a pastor goes to his father and asks for a car because he just got his license. The pastor thinks about it and says, "All right, son, you may have a car on three conditions. In the next few months, I want you to go to church, get better grades, and cut your hair. Then we'll discuss this further."

A few months later, the boy goes back to his father and asks for a car again. The pastor says, "Well, I'm proud of you. You've been going to mass every Sunday and you're receiving A's in all of your classes. But you still haven't cut your hair!"

The boy says, "Yeah, I've been thinking about that, Dad, and I've noticed that a lot of great men from the Bible never cut their hair. Noah had long hair, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

To this the pastor replies, "Yes, son, they did have long hair, but they WALKED everywhere they went."  

[Ribbish]

That was damn funny Reeves XD

A teacher in a Sunday school was asking the little kids about God. However, little Mary did not get enough sleep the previous night, and was feeling very drowsy. She eventually fell asleep at her desk.
The teacher asked, “Who is our savior and the son of God? Mary, do you know?”
Little Mary was asleep.
Little John, who was in the desk behind her, poked her with a sharp pencil. She screamed, “Jesus Christ!”
“Very good, Mary!” said the teacher. “Now, who can tell me who looks upon us all and helps us through times of need?”
Little Mary had fallen asleep again.
Little John poked her in the back with a pencil. “Good God!” she screamed.
“Great!” said the teacher. “Now, what did Eve say to Adam after she had their twenty-third child?”
Little Mary was asleep!
Little John poked her hard.
Mary screamed, “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I’ll snap it in half!”  

[Cheesy Nipplesv2]

Ribbish

That was damn funny Reeves XD

A teacher in a Sunday school was asking the little kids about God. However, little Mary did not get enough sleep the previous night, and was feeling very drowsy. She eventually fell asleep at her desk.
The teacher asked, “Who is our savior and the son of God? Mary, do you know?”
Little Mary was asleep.
Little John, who was in the desk behind her, poked her with a sharp pencil. She screamed, “Jesus Christ!”
“Very good, Mary!” said the teacher. “Now, who can tell me who looks upon us all and helps us through times of need?”
Little Mary had fallen asleep again.
Little John poked her in the back with a pencil. “Good God!” she screamed.
“Great!” said the teacher. “Now, what did Eve say to Adam after she had their twenty-third child?”
Little Mary was asleep!
Little John poked her hard.
Mary screamed, “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I’ll snap it in half!”

rofl rofl rofl
I laughed so hard, I woke the other guard up...
uh-oh, he don't look happy neutral  

[Meacorme]

One night, a man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders six double-shots of vodka.

The bartender, surprised by how much the guy is drinking, asks, "Hey, what's wrong?"

The man sighs and replies, "Well, today, my brother came out of the closet. He's gay."

The bartender says, "I'm sure that must be hard, but you love your brother, and I think it'll all work out. Here, have another shot on the house."

The next night, the same man comes in and again orders six double-shots of vodka.

"What's wrong now?" asks the bartender.

The man sighs heavily. "My other brother came out of the closet too. He's also gay."

"Oh, geez, that's gotta be rough. Have another shot on the house."

The third night, the man comes in and once again orders six double-shots of vodka, and the bartender can't believe it.

"My God! Does ANYONE in your family like women?"

The man looks sadly up at the bartender and says. "Yes. My wife."  

[Reeves]

I know that joke, Ribbish! It was pretty different, though, with an older woman trying to stop her husband from sleeping through church and given a needle from the priest to wake him up.

And Mea, your joke is CLASSIC. xd

Oh, here's a non-religious one.

An old lady noticed that every time she made batter to make cookies and left it in the fridge overnight, the batter would be gone by morning. She was sure that it was her three grandchildren eating the batter. Therefore, she decided to catch them by stirring little BB's into the batter and setting it in the fridge for the night.

The next morning, the first grandson ran down the stairs and said, "Grandma, I was in the bathroom, and I peed out BB's."

The old woman smiled and said, "Some naughty boy's been eating my cookie batter. That'll teach you not to do it again."

Then the second grandson ran down the stairs and said, "Grandma, I was in the bathroom, and I pooped out BB's."

The old woman again smiled and said, "Two naughty boys have been eating my cookie batter. That'll teach you both not to do it again."

Then the third grandson ran into the room in a panic and shouted, "Grandma! Grandma! Something terrible has happened! I was jerking off in the garage and I accidentally shot the cat!"  

[Cheesy Nipplesv2]

Two sperm swimming along.
One says to the other:
"how long until we reach the egg?"

The second says:
"We got a long way to go yet, we've just passed the tonsils."  

[Ribbish]

A bit crude but still funny.

A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl
in the back seat. They make love, but the girl
wants it again and the guy complies. She wants
more and they do it again. She still wants more
and the guy says, "Excuse me a minute, I have to
relieve myself."

While out of the car he notices a man half a
block away changing a flat. He asks the man
"Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given
it to her four or five times and she still wants
more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over
for me."

So that's what the man does and he is just
getting into "high-gear" when a cop knocks on the
window and shines a light on them.

The cop asks "What are you doing in there?"

The guy says "I'm making love to my wife."

The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?"

The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't
know it was my wife until you shined the light
on her."  

[Cheesy Nipplesv2]

George Bush is in the oval office and week after week he gets reports on the deaths in Iraq.

On the first week, he's told there's been 10 troops killed.
He's saddened by the news.
On the second week, he's told there's been 100 troops killed.
Again, he's saddened.
On the third week he's told A Brazilian troop has been killed.
He bursts out crying. His staff are surprised by this and ask what's wrong.

Bush says:
"This war is terrible, just exactly how many is a Brazilian?"  

[Ribbish]

thanks for reminding me Nips

The year is 2008. An old man walks up to the White House and asks the guard if he can come in and see President Bush. The soldier says, “I’m sorry sir, but Mr. Bush isn’t president anymore.” The old man turns around and walks away. The next day, the old man comes back and asks to see President Bush again. Again, the soldier tells him that Mr. Bush isn’t president and the old man walks away. This goes on everyday for a week until the soldier finally says, “Sir, you’ve been coming here everyday and asking to see President Bush, and everyday I tell you that Mr. Bush isn’t president anymore. Is there something wrong here?” The old man replies, “No, I know he’s not president, I just like coming by and hearing that everyday.”  

[Cheesy Nipplesv2]

I ballsed it up, I was close though


His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up.
They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle.
They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months.
Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"  

[Reeves]

A man goes into a bar with his dog and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!"

Without missing a beat, the man replies, "This is my seeing eye dog."

"Oh, man, I'm sorry," the bartender says. "I didn't realize you were blind. Here, have a drink on me."

The man takes the drink and goes to a table nearby. Another man walks in with his chihuahua and the man at the table says, "Hey, they don't allow dogs in here, so you gotta pretend to be blind in order to get a drink here."

So the second man asks for a drink and the bartender says, "Sir, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The man replies, "This is my seeing eye dog."

The bartender peers over the edge and says, "No, I don't think so. They don't give out chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and says, "What?! They gave me a ******** chihuahua?!"  

[Rage Against the Couch]

A man walked into a bar and sees this other guy at the bar, with a tiny man next to him playing the piano beautifully. He's really impressed, and asks the guy at the bar how he got the little piano player. The second guy pulls out a lamp and says "This lamp will give you anything you ask for." and gives it to the first guy. The first guy instantly makes his wish: "I want a thousand bucks!" All of a sudden, the room is filled with ducks. The first guy is furious and yells "That's not what I asked for!" The second guy just looks at him and says "Do you really think I asked for a 14 inch pianist?"  

[Reeves]

After a holiday on the Sunshine coast a young man boards the airplane for the flight home. During his trip, he has caught several crabs, which he hopes to share with his girlfriend with a bottle of champagne once he gets home.

As he boards the plane, he hands the bag of crabs to the stewardess, who puts them in a fridge for safekeeping. As the plane lands, the stewardess asks everyone to remain seated until the plane comes to a complete stop.

"And will the man who gave me the crabs in Cairns please come forward."