The Joke Thread!

[Reeves]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity," said the United Way representative. "Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."

The lawyer interrupted, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted again.

"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer continued, his voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again. "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"  

[Reeves]

Two men walked into a bar. The first man said to the bartender, "I'll have some H2O." The second man said, "I'll have some H2O, too!"

And then he died.  

[Reeves]

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotions.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a job promotion?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop," said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work really hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop," said the Priest.

"Okay, then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated, replied, "With some luck and really hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some really difficult work, and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right...then maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, God?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "one of our boys made it!"  

[tiny broken fingers]

Reeves

Two men walked into a bar. The first man said to the bartender, "I'll have some H2O." The second man said, "I'll have some H2O, too!"

And then he died.

classic  

[Reeves]

tiny broken fingers

Reeves

Two men walked into a bar. The first man said to the bartender, "I'll have some H2O." The second man said, "I'll have some H2O, too!"

And then he died.

classic

I'm glad somebody got it.  

[Meacorme]

Reeves

tiny broken fingers

Reeves

Two men walked into a bar. The first man said to the bartender, "I'll have some H2O." The second man said, "I'll have some H2O, too!"

And then he died.

classic

I'm glad somebody got it.

You stole my joke. razz  

[Reeves]

Meacorme

Reeves

tiny broken fingers

Reeves

Two men walked into a bar. The first man said to the bartender, "I'll have some H2O." The second man said, "I'll have some H2O, too!"

And then he died.

classic

I'm glad somebody got it.

You stole my joke. razz

...Sowwy? sad  

[Reeves]

How many philosophers does it take to replace a light bulb?

Three. One to change it, and two to argue over whether or not the light bulb really exists.  

[cheesy nipples]

A man ended up in his wife's bad books.
She asked him to organize the music for her mothers funeral.
She said, "I want them to play that timeless beautiful song from The Wizard of Oz".
The look on her face was chilling as her mothers coffin slowly movedbehind the curtain to the sound of "Ding Dong, the witch is dead".  

[Reeves]

An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer.

Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer.

The next morning, as the inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said. "Just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard.

The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions."

The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead."

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."  

[Reeves]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME OR RUN OUT ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, the old woman heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"

The old man smiled and said, "Therefore, I cannot run out on you!"

The old woman snorted. "You don't have any arms, either!"

Again, the old man smiled and said, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

The old woman paused. She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Well, then...are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beaming, and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"  

[Reeves]

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled.

"Grandpa will pay the bill."  

[cheesy nipples]

patient in the doctors office is shouting at him, "kiss me doc, kiss me".
The doctor replies, "I can't it wouldn't be ethical... I probably shouldn't be ******** you either."  

[Reeves]

A traveling salesman knocks on a door, which is answered by a twelve-year-old kid. The kid is smoking a cigar while wearing garters, panties, and a bra. The salesman asks, "Are your parents at home?" to which the kid replies, "What the ******** do you think?"