The Joke Thread!

[cheesy nipples]

Another racist joke:


An English man, a Scots man and an Pakistani man find a magic lamp, a Genie comes and and says they can each have one wish

Scots man: I wish for Scotlands independence from the UK.
Genie: Done.

Pakistani man: I wish for a giant wall to surround my home country from its enemies.
Genie: Done.

Englishman: Can I ask you a few questions first?
Genie: yeah, go ahead.
Englishman: This wall, how tall is it?
Genie: 500 feet tall.
Englishman: ok, how thick is it?
Genie: It's 50 meters solid concrete
Englishman:Ok, and does it go all the way around?
Genie: yes it does.

Englishman says: Ok then, I wish it was filled with water.  

[Reeves]

Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?

He doesn't want anyone to know he's ******** chickens.  

[Nu Lucrezia]

Sex on the job:

accountants do it with double entry

acupuncturists do it with a small p***k

ambulance drivers come quicker

bankers do it with interest

barmen do it on the rocks

bookkeepers do it for the record

bosses delegate the task to others

policemen do it with handcuffs

DJs do it on request

dentists do it orally

detectives do it undercover

engineers do it to specifications

firemen do it with a big hose

bin men come twice a week

gardeners do it in the bushes

landlords do it every 1st of the month

sales reps do it on commission

pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free

waitresses do it for tips  

[Reeves]

Life's Observations:

1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

3. I have my own little world. But it's okay, they know me here.

4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.

10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?  

[Nu Lucrezia]

What's the definition of a last will and testament? (It's a dead giveaway!)  

[Reeves]

When a jury acquitted a man of murder, the district attorney was unable to believe the "not guilty" verdict he'd just heard. Bitterly, he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"

The foreman answered, "Insanity."

The attorney responded, still incredulous, "I could understand that...but...all twelve of you?"  

[Reeves]

Three tourists travel to Saudi Arabia and stumble across a harlem tent full of beautiful women. They start having their way with the women when the sheikh arrives with several men.

"I own all of these women, and you will pay for defiling them!" says the sheikh. "We will punish you based on each of your professions."

The sheikh's soldiers have the three men line up and the sheikh asks the first man, "What profession are you?"

The first man replies, "I'm a cop."

"Then we will shoot your p***s off," says the sheikh, and then he asks the second man, "What profession are you?"

The second man replies, "I'm a firefighter."

"Then we will burn your p***s off," says the sheikh, and then he asks the third man, "What profession are you?"

A sly grin appears on the third man's face and he replies, "I'm a lollipop salesman."  

[Reeves]

A young man is sitting at a bar when a drunk comes up to him. Pointing at the man, the drunk says, "Your mom gives the best sex in town!"

The whole bar goes silent and every patron is expecting a fight, but the man doesn't pay attention and the drunk quietly goes to sit at the far end of the bar. About ten minutes later, he goes back to the man and says, "Hey, I ******** your mom last night, and it was sweet!"

Again, the man ignores the drunk, though he is getting a bit irritated, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Another ten minutes go by and the drunk approaches the man a third time and says, "And she loved it!"

The man cannot stand it anymore, turns to face the drunk, and snaps, "Go home, Dad! You're drunk again!"  

[Nu Lucrezia]

I saw graffiti in a toilet that was like a condensed version of that joke.
rofl  

[Reeves]

Wait, in a toilet? razz Huh. Anyway, I have another.

A man was walking down the street, carrying a roll of chicken wire. His neighbor saw him and asked, "Hey, whatcha you up to?" The man replied, "I got me some chicken wire and I'm gonna catch me some chickens!"

The neighbor said, "You moron! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" But sure enough, that night, he saw the man pass by with about twelve chickens.

The next day, the neighbor saw the same man go down the street with a roll of duct tape. He asked, "Hey, whatcha up to this time?" The man replied, "I got me some duct tape and I'm gonna catch me some ducks!"

The neighbor said, "You moron! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" But sure enough, that night, he saw the man pass by with about twelve ducks.

The day after that, the neighbor saw the man walk down the street with something else under his arm. He asked, "Whatcha got now?" The man replied, "Oh, this? It's pussywillow!"

The neighbor exclaimed, "Hang on, let me get my hat!"  

[Kelti]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh!  

[Reeves]

A young couple are sleeping in their bed when a burglar breaks in and ties them up. As the burglar goes to search for jewelry and other valuables in the house, the young husband turns to his wife and says, "You know, now that we're in this mess, I thought of something. This guy could hurt us, so we should do what he says so we'll be okay. Like if he asks you for sex or something, you should give it to him so he won't kill us. I don't mind as long as it saves our lives."

The woman in response says, "I'm glad you mentioned that, honey! Because the burglar told me that he thinks you're cute!"  

[Temerly]

I love this joke, so I hope I get it right.... :


An old lady goes to the National Bank of Canada to deposit some money. when the banker asks her how much, she replies, "$25,000, and I won't deposit it with you... I want to speak to the bank president directly!"
The banker, shocked by the amount, has no objections, and the president, once told, rushes to meet the woman, wanting the account. Of course, it strikes him odd that the woman would have so much money in the first place, so he asks in curiosity, "I'll be glad to help you, but if you don't mind me asking, how did you come by such a large sum of money?"
"Hm? Oh, I'm a gambler."
Bank President, "a Gambler, how so?'
Old lady, "Well, for example, I bet you $5,000 that your balls are square." she says with complete confidence.
The President scoffs. "That's the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. How the hell did you come up with so much money like that?"
Old lady, "Well? Gonna take the bet or not sonny?"
Thinking it easy money, the Bank president grins and accepts.
"Wonderful! I hope you don't mind, but that IS quite a sum of money, so I think I'd like to bring my lawyer, say, 9AM tomorrow?"
"Of course!" Canada's bank president say, thinking a lawyer wouldn't change anything.

Later that night, the banker feels worried, and so examines his nutts to make sure they could in no way be construed as square. Satisfied, he finally goes to bed.

The next day, they meet in his office, the old woman's lawyer in tow.

"Alrighty, drop them." she says.
A little uncomfortable, the bank's president does so.
After a few moments of scrutinizing, the old woman speaks. "I'm not sure if I can tell, my eye sight's not what it used to be... I'll need to feel them to make sure."
Hesitantly, the president agrees. She begins feeling them, all the while, her lawyer is banging his head against the wall with a pained look on his face.
"Well, they're definitely not square, that's for sure!"
the president is so relieved, but worries for the lawyer.
"Is he alright? Why's he doing that?"
The old lady grins slyly. "Oh, I bet him $10,000 yesterday that before 10AM today, I'd have the National Bank of Canada's President's sack in my hands."

(Oi. Too long... Forgive me, I haven't slept in about 27 hours, so my brain might've rambled.... Still think it's hilarious though!)  

[Reeves]

A man is sitting on the couch, eating peanuts by tossing them into his mouth. When his wife comes in to talk to him, he turns his head and a peanut he's tossed into the air lands in his ear and gets stuck in his ear canal. He keeps trying to get it out and his wife tries to help, but they only jam the peanut further into his ear.

Just when they are about to give up and go to the hospital, the man and woman's daughter comes home with her boyfriend. When they explain the problem, the boyfriend says, "Just relax, sir, and I'll help you out."

He takes his index finger and middle finger and jams them into the father's nostrils, telling him to close his mouth and blow as hard as he can. The father does, and the peanut pops right out of his ear. While the daughter takes her boyfriend into the kitchen for some dessert as a reward, the mother says, "Isn't he so smart? What do you think he'll be when he grows up?"

The father replies, "Well, I'd say from the smell of his fingers, he's going to be our son-in-law."  

[cheesy nipples]

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. They take a seat and order drinks. All through the night the ostrich and the man buy drinks while the cat that just sits there.

At the end of the night the bar man asks "what's with the ostrich and the cat? I've been watching you all night and only you and the bird are buying drinks, what gives?"

The man replies "Well, on the way here I found this lamp, I gave it a rub and a genie popped out. He said he can grant me any one wish. So I wished for a bird with a long neck and a tight p***y."