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Like I promised, the first page of my short story. I apologize agian for it being so late, but getting read for colledge has taken alot of my time. Enjoy.


The Dormant Soul.


Mathew Godwin, a boy of 12 summers, has always been recognized as a good spirited lad. He was well mannered, and highly thought about. Mathew had light brown hair and bright blue eyes, the only one in his family to have these characteristics. He was popular with his peers, and was thought to be one who would live a prospers life. But life is never perfect, nor is it fare. Mathew was imprisoned for a horrible crime. A crime so unbelievable it scared him and left him in a mental break down.

No one was there for him after that. Mathew was put into a cell, a dark and damp place that reeked of death. It was once before a dungeon for the touchier of captives. The only company he had was the two guards, and the rats.

On one day though, Mathew had a visitor. He showed up on a night with a full moon. It was a boy, who from a distance would look to be the same age as Mathew. But something was wrong; this boy had no visible face. Only his brown eyes and golden brown hair could be seen.

“Mathew...” Called the boy, “look.. at.. me..” This voice sounded familiar to Mathew, and so he slowly looked up to see the faceless boy.

It was that in which sparked something in Mathew. For days he didn’t say a word, make contact, or even moved that much at all. Tears streamed down his face, and he cried. The sobs were loud enough to make a guard come and check Mathew.

This guard was not a pleasant looking fellow, nor was his attitude that great. He was bald and rugged looking man, with a deep scar on his face. He busted into Mathew’s chamber and with a high angered voice yelled. “Quiet boy! Or I shall give you a damn good reason to cry!”

It shook Mathew to hear his voice as he cleared his eyes and looked around. Mathew then spoke out. “Did you see him.. d.did you?”

“See whom? what are you talking about?” Replied the guard looking around. “There isn’t anyone here.” It was then the guard noticed that Mathew went back to a blank face. “Great, out of all the prisoners I get stuck with the crazy ones.” Said the annoyed guard as he left Mathew there, in the dark cold cell.

The heck. All the " and ' are replaced.

lol yep so I seen.........but not the first time I looked before I posted......I don't know, I thought I was the only one that seen it the second time

aww, I'm sorry, my dads side of the family had cancer, but yeah, my moms side had diabetes, well just my mom did, and now I got it, but yeah, I'm sorry about your brother, I would die if I lost my brother, he's like the only one in the family that knows what I am, and I trust him........but I hope everything turns out ok with him wink

I have 11 more pages to type up, then figure an ending. sweatdrop

Well, it's okaaaaay, but since it's a prose work and all, you probably ought to proof read it first. You haven't kept the tense straight, for one thing. But don't give up or get mad at me, just edit it.

Also, it might help if you added a paragraph to establish the time period, the epoch, of this story. It isn't modern, I suspect. Words like "village" or "castle" as opposed to "high school" or "strip mall" help set the stage and give the reader an idea what to expect - help us get into the right mind set.

And, uh, if you could show us what horrible crime Matthew committed, that'd be great. Right now it hits me like this:

Lalala. Here's Matthew. What a nice boy.
Suddenly he committed a horrible crime.

Er... I used to be an editor. Aheh.
Sorry. Instinct.

I'll be happy to proof read it for you tonight. I'll post it here with suggested corrections (as the writer, you always get to choose what to leave in and what to take out.)

Oh, by the way: Never, ever, waste time defending your story with phrases like "I left it out to reveal it later" because if you've lost the reader in the first page, there's no point revealing it later. You can smirk and make a smug remark like "all will be revealed," which people kind of expect of writers, but don't EXPLAIN your stuff. People either "get it" or they don't. And that's your only defense against critiques of your work's substance.

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