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 Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 2:04 am
This is as the title suggest, a shrine about me and my greatness. It is no secret that I love myself in more than just a physical sense. And believe me, I have every reason to. So I shall from now on document whatever the hell I feel like in this thread that I find amusing.
First Entry:
Co-Worker: If you have any kind of homosexual fantisies, I think you're really gay and just haven't come out of the closet yet.
Me: That's not true, I'm having a homoerotic fantasy right now and the only p***s that makes me smile is my own.
CW: Oh?
Me: Yup, I'm picturing you dropping to your knees, bare a** naked, then falling to the floor dead. I approach your lifeless body and piss all over you.
CW: ...
Me: *sips water* It's not so much a homoerotic fantasy as it is me wanting you to shut the hell up and die.
CW: Dude, too mean.
Me: Get back to work.
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Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 2:24 pm
An "arguement" that took place last night.
Me: You can't just change your mind like that.
Kittie: Why not?
Me: It's not fair.
Kittie: Females can change their minds whenever they want. It's our lawful right granted to us for having ovaries.
Me: That's bullshit, you know I'm right so you're trying to cop out.
Kittie: Whatever, I'm going to continue doing what females do best.
Me: You're going to start doing laundry right in the middle of a conversation? That's rude, Kittie.
Kittie: You're not getting any tonight.
Me: So worth it.
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Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 6:52 pm
As much as I want to hate you, I can't.
That whole doing laudry thing reminds me of a convo I had with a good friend of mine, except he mentioned the kitchen, not the laundry...
Men...
Can I stab you?
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Posted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 8:29 pm
Ionno, have you finished your peas yet?
Me: Your hair looks pretty today.
Secretary: Thanks.
Me: You know, as I was watching you walk over, I kept thinking to myself, "Burst into flames, burst into flames, burst into flames!", but all that came out was "Your hair looks pretty today.
Secretary: I started using Aussie.
Me: It shows.
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Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 12:27 am
Kittie: These Cheerios taste kind of funny.
Me: When you're not here, I like to dress up like a bumble bee, sprinkle the Cheerios around the apartment, and pretend to fly up to each and everyone of them. Then I [air quotes] polinate each and every one of them and put them back in the box.
Kittie: I just think they're a little stale.
Me: You're such a buzz kill...The good times never end, Kittie, they never end.
Kittie: And you wonder why I refuse to acknowledge you in public.
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Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 4:31 am
Why am I interested in seeing more conversations? >.>
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Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2007 12:44 am
Because I'm funny.
Just a one liner tonight, but I think it's funny.
Me: God, I love Oktoberfest so ******** much. I just want to smash it in the face and have sex with its lifeless body.
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Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2007 10:00 am
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Posted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 4:35 am
Me: Kittie, for you I would fight through the tears and do your dead body.
Kittie: Aww, I don't know wheather that's sweet, or gross, or just plain wrong.
Me: It's called love, baby.
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Posted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 9:04 pm
I was attacked by one of those Christian Childrens Funds collecter people today.
Jesus Aficionado: Any amount would be a blessing, please help feed a child today.
Me: Sorry, I don't have any change, all I have is two twenties and a fifty.
J A: Twenty dollars could feed a child and her family for a month.
Me: It also pays for my medical bills and helps fill my gas tank which I need to operate my truck in order to work.
J A: These children are starving to death and all you think about is yourself?
Me: I'm dying myself if it weren't for the medication I'm on. If I die, then I couldn't donate at all when I have the means to.
J A: Our lord does not look kindly upon the selfish, sir.
Me: Don't bunch me in with your lord, sir. For all you know I have very different beliefs than you do.
J A: Have you accepted the teachings of Christ into your heart, sir?
Me: I have reasearched his teachings but do not wish to follow upon them in a large religious settings. What he has tought is common knowledge in this day and age and I do not find the need to partake in a practice that has been altered in my opinion by man.
J A: You'll live a sad and meaningless life without Jesus in your life. I pitty you.
Me: Pitty me? I would pitty you, but I do not. Tolerance is your selling point, but you have not tolerated the fact that I do not wish to be apart of your service and community, instead you come at me with an undertoned attack. As for Jesus in himself, I am not impressed.
J A: Not impressed? He died for the sins of humanity!
Me: Yes, and he resurrected and took his place to the side of his father, God. What happend after that? He had his thunder stolen by a rabbit and a fat man that hands out presents once a year. I am not impressed.
J A: [While glaring] You will lead a lonely life and be cast aside to hell. And his devoted believers will laugh at your wasted life from heaven.
Me: Really, you get to laugh at people's misery in heaven? I didn't know that, do you have a pamphlete or something? I think you sold me on this whole Jesus stuff.
[JA's supervisor approached and heard maybe half of what I said]
Mega J A: I'm sorry sir, please forgive my colleague, he needs to learn how to mind his manners.
J A: [slump headed] I'm sorry.
Me: Not a problem, I rather enjoyed that rabbit comment and will be sure to use it at a later date. Have a nice day, gentlemen.
That guy looked as if he wanted to slice my throat with the pages of the good book itself.
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Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2007 5:41 am
That las one was freakin' golden! Love it, dude, I wanna have your babies! Ok, maybe not, I'm not very fond of children...
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Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2007 9:28 pm
Okay. At first I was skeptical to this 'shrine', but now, I love it. xD
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Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 1:10 am
Seph, I'll be glad to father your children, just don't expect me to raise them.
Saiga-Kun: Thanks, I say a lot of s**t that I find amusing, I just wish I could remember more of what I say through out the day.
Steph=My BFf. We hung out for awhile and this happend.
Steph: [grabs pants pocket and digs into it]
Me: What the hell are you doing?
Steph: I thought I felt my phone vibrate.
Me: Steph, I'm holding your phone. [While showing her the phone]
Steph: Oh, it was just my gum.
Me: Wait, they make vibrating gum?
Steph: No...I just...shut up.
Me: We should make some gum that vibrates, we'll be rich.
Steph: [ignoring me now]
Me: I know what you're thinking, it'll never be dentist approved, but no one said it was going to be easy.
Steph: You need help.
Me: Says the woman that thinks gum vibrates, you need help, or to get laid, probably both.
Steph: I like this song. [turns up music and goes back to ignoring me]
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Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 6:47 am
Vibrating gum... I wonder what that would be like. That's... retarded...
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Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 4:28 pm
That's what they said about Pop Rocks, and look at them now...look at them now.
A friend and I were talking about how one of her neighbors is a convicted rapist, and how he only did 2 years in jail for it.
Rowsy: It's terrible, he rapped a 15 year old girl and was released after only two years.
Me: But you get caught with pot and that's 10 years at least.
Rowsy: I know right? Good to know they got their priorities straight. Because smoking weed is much worse than raping children.
Me: Smoking pot is worse than raping Jesus.
Rowsy: They should make that into an anti-drug commercial. It would end drug use world wide.
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