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 Posted: Sat Oct 06, 2007 9:55 pm
Chapter 1
Sam walked through the forest, towards Legolas’ favourite drink house. Entering the washed up bar, he looked around for Legolas, and spotted him at the back. He weaved his way through the raucous, drunken crowd only to find that Legolas was part of it. He was downing shot after shot of strong whiskey, determined to beat the dopey looking fellow across from him. The crowd cheered as Legolas took in his 8th shot, and Sam pushed through the crowd to crouch beside his friend’s chair.
“Legolas,” he said, and poked Legolas’ knee.
Legolas yelped, and looked down to find a very dirty hobbit beside him.
“And I thought you had baths nowadays,” he muttered, rubbing his knee.
Sam chose to ignore him. “Look Legolas, I need a favour.”
“Oh great,” he sighed, and rolled his eyes. “Look, kiddo, I’m kind of busy right at the moment. This is a nice, easy way of bringing the money home to the wife and kids!” he implored, and put away his 9th shot to a crowd of screaming drunks. “Besides, the crowd loves me! I’m a favourite; people bet that I’ll win. I get half the money, and everyone wins! Except for the losers,” he added, more to himself.
“Legolas, it’s not fair on these people. You’re an elf. Liquor takes three times as long to take effect on elves.”
Legolas turned from him, and cheered as the man opposite him fainted. Hands were jabbed at Legolas, holding out fistfuls of money. Legolas lapped it all up, taking the money from the drunkards like taking candy from a baby. So easy; just as mean.
“Please elfie, can we talk?” Sam asked, using the fellowship’s nickname for Legolas- minus the ‘bit of orc filth’ they added on to the end when Legolas wasn’t around.
He sighed. “Okay, fine. Let’s get out of here, shall we?” he asked cheerfully.
Sam steered him out of the bar and led him across the bridges that connected the tree homes until they reached Legolas’ small abode.
Pushing open the door, Legolas stumbled, and hiccupped. Sam sighed. Too late, he thought as Legolas crashed to the floor, unconscious.
On the plus side, he didn’t have to watch Legolas try on his wife’s newest fashion accessories half naked.
If you could call that a plus.
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Posted: Sat Oct 06, 2007 9:58 pm
Chapter 2
“So Rosie’s missing, and you want me to baby sit the kids while you go look for her?” Legolas confirmed, downing a shot at the breakfast table.
“Yes. I’d do it myself, but I need to find Rosie,” Sam said seriously.
“Well, obviously,” Legolas commented sarcastically. “But I don’t know anything about kids!”
Sam gave him a sidelong glance. “It’ll score points with your wife.”
Legolas brightened the smallest touch. “Well, I suppose I could… Do I have to go to Hobbiton, because that wouldn’t please the wife one bit.”
“Why?” Sam asked curiously.
“Well, last time I was there, I got stoned on hobbit weed, and ended up falling asleep in your closet.”
“You did? I was wondering what that rancid smell was… No, they’re here.”
”What? There here? Where?” Legolas asked anxiously, looking around.
“In the guest bedroom,” Sam said, then left the room. He came back a minute later leading his 11 children behind him.
“By golly, I forgot how many kids you have,” Legolas muttered, squinting at the group.
“Legolas, These are my children. Elanor, who’s 17,” Sam gestured to the fair headed girl next to him. “Frodo- 15-”
“Frodo’s a lot older than that Sam! He doesn’t even walk this world anymore!” Legolas interrupted.
“This is my son Frodo,” Sam said exasperated. “Rose- 13, Merry- 11, Pippin- 9-”
“By the Gods, Sam, that’s not Merry and Pippin! Do you need your eyes checked?”
Sam breathed in deeply, trying to dispel his irritation. “No, they’re also my sons. We named them after Merry and Pippin.”
“Goodness, what foolishness!” Legolas said, bewildered.
“Anyway, this is Goldilocks- 7, Hamfast- 6, Daisy- 5, Primrose- 3, Bilbo-2- Don’t say it!” he said warningly, as Legolas opened his mouth. “And Ruby, who is 6 months,” he said, handing her to Legolas, who grasped her under the arms awkwardly.
“That’s not how you do it!” Sam yelped, and showed him how to hold her properly. “Okay, Bilbo and Ruby aren’t walking yet, but Bilbo is a manic crawler, so you need to keep a watchful eye on him. Pippin is allergic to alcohol, so you can’t drink while they’re here-“
“What?!?!” Legolas yelled.
“I’m sorry Legolas, but you can’t. He’s very allergic, so even the smell will set him off. Goldilocks, Hamfast and Daisy won’t go to sleep until they’ve had a story read to them. And,” Sam glanced warningly at Elanor.
“Elanor has a habit of sneaking out to meet various boys. If you catch her doing so, you may discipline her as you please.” Sam said goodbye to all his children, and left quickly, with a call of “I’ll find her, don’t you worry!”
And so Legolas’ babysitting regime began.
Within an hour the house was in ruins.
Merry and Pippin had set a fire in the kitchen while trying to cook some potatoes; Hamfast was attempting to teach Daisy how to play marbles, and as a result, marbles were rolling everywhere. Bilbo was trying to climb a curtain, and Primrose was sitting at a little table having a tea party with her dolls.
While Legolas had been putting out the fire, Elanor and Frodo had disappeared. He looked through the house, slipping on a marble and landing on his behind, and found Frodo out the back, smoking a pipe.
“Aren’t you a bit young to be smoking lad?” Legolas asked him, rubbing his tender behind.
Frodo reached into his pocket, and pulled out a spare pipe. “Want some?”
Legolas took it, and gratefully sat next to Frodo, smoking the leaves he had given him.
“Your family is a nightmare,” he said, after hearing a series of screams coming from the living room.
Frodo snorted. “Hey, I live with them,” he said scornfully. “Come on, we’d better see why Primrose is screaming,” he got up, and went inside, Legolas following.
Merry and Pippin had found one of Legolas’ prized daggers, and had cut one of Primrose’s dolls in half.
Legolas rushed over and snatched away the dagger. “Now Merry, Pippin, that wasn’t very nice. You’ll have to buy your sister a new doll now!”
Merry grinned. “It was worth it.”
Legolas smacked them both with the dagger, leaving small gashes on their left arms. “Now you two, solitary confinement!” he yelled, losing his patience. He grabbed them both by their arms, and steered them out of the room. “Actually, I have a better idea,” he said, and navigated his way through the tree village, and came to a shop, hardly off the ground.
“Gimli!” he called into the dark shop. “I have you two new apprentices!”
Gimli came out, wiping his hands on his apron. Legolas bit his lip to stop from sniggering.
“Legolas!” Gimli cried, clearly pleased to see him. They embraced, and Legolas caught the two hobbits before they could make their escape.
“Apprentices, aye?” Gimli asked, eyeing the two.
“Yes, they’re trouble makers, these two, but no doubt you’ll make them useful.”
“I think I will,” Gimli said, and grasped the pair by the back of the neck and dragging them into the shop. Legolas walked back to his house, feeling rather pleased with himself.
The feeling disappeared completely when he got back.
Oh no, the wife.
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Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 11:19 pm
((Err...hmm...what can I say... an interesting direction from Tolkien?))
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