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dory2o2
Crew

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 05, 2007 5:45 pm


Intro:Hey everyone! How are you today? Ok well now that I have that out of the way, how bout you read what I have done so far and then tell me your opions (sp?) And If I really like your critisim, then i'll post it, but if it's just something like "that sucked" or "That was a waste of time" or "You Rock!!!" and last but not least "You should deffinatly publish that!" I will apreciate it, but it won't be posted. Oh and last but not least, if you spot any grammer or punctuation errors, please tell me, and I will fix it, as you can probbally tell, I suck at spelling!
memorable quotes:
none yet


Story:
Intro
In a far away land there was a fair maiden. She stood by the window sill, hand on hip, yelling down at her beloved. Just then the sky turned dark, when the sky returned to it's normal color the maiden was gone, but her scream remained. Her beloveded searched and searched, but found nothing. He never gave up hope, he never loved another.
Chapter 1
"And where will we go once your famous?' She yelled down at her beloveded. He smiled " I will take you to the wonders of the world" he responded. She smiled and before she could yell back, the skies darkned. Frightend she let out a scream as she was taken away. She struggled against whatever held her, but is was to no avail. She then relized the danger she was in, and started crying. She cried for day's, untill she landed on fluff, now she was bewildered. She looked around, everything was white and blue. She closed her eyes and counted to ten untill the fear passed. Once again she looked around her, this time she saw a market, it was no ordinary market, but one that had strange objects that let off a glow. She reached out to touch one when she saw a woman staring at her. Slowly she got up, her dark brown hair shimmering, where the sun touched it, her simple gown blended in with everyone else, still the woman stared at her. The maiden took a deep breath and walked toward the woman, when she got closer the maiden could see that this woman looked very much like her. "My daughter, your princess has returned" the woman shouted and then embraced the maiden. Everyone at the market cheered. The maiden just looked at the woman for a few moments. The woman then pulled the mainden towards the castle. Once they were there, the maiden was led to a room, she gasped as she walked in. It was nothing like she ever saw, the bed was huge, in the shape of a strawberry, her favorite fruit, there was a cherrywood dresser, and on three of the walls, were books. Lots and lots of books. On the fourth wall there was drawings made by whoever was here last. She sighed then sat on the bed "this room is grand, but I do not deserve these things". Just then, the woman from the market place, walked in, the maiden looked at "I think you are mistaken, I am no princess" the maiden said at once. The woman smiled "A princess you are and you shall hear your tale, but another day" and with that the woman left.
To be continued....
PostPosted: Sat Oct 06, 2007 12:12 pm


I'm not so good at the grammar errors, but spelling I can do. Before you started your story the paragraph before it you spelled these words wrong:

about
opinions
criticism
definitely
appreciate
grammar
probably

In the story you spelled these wrong I will try to give you a line # to make it easier to find the word:

Introduction-Line 4 beloved
Chapter 1
-Line 1 " you did a single.
-Line 2 beloved
-Line 4 darkened, frightened
-Line 5 it instead of is
-Line 6 realized, you don't need the apostrophe on days
-Line 7 until
-Line 9 until
-Line 19 take the y off of your I think you meant to say our, add a comma after princess
-Line 22 Maiden
-Line 27 change here to there
-Line 28 capitalize This
-Line 29 marketplace is one word, remove the comma between place and walked
-Line 30 change at to up or something because it doesn't make much sense as is

Other than those mistakes I think the intro is pretty decent. The story itself could use a little more color. I mean you need more description on the place she was taken away from as well as from the place that she was taken to. You should probably add a reason for why the woman walked into the room, because I don't think anyone would enter a room to answer a question that she more than likely didn't know the girl was going to ask. The story makes a good first draft, but that's about it. Sorry if my opinion seems kind of harsh.
 

Lillith D-Knock


paintboxgirl

PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2007 5:12 pm


I would suggest using your spellcheck and grammar check, mostly just because I have trouble getting past that type of basic error. I would also suggest that you try using adjectives and adverbs, near as I could tell you have almost no descriptive language at all. If what you presented was a pre-writing organizational sort of thing, then you're on a decent track. If you're considering it the final product, you need to re-think. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but so far, you don't have anything that I would pay for.
PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2007 5:22 pm


I'm with everyone else on the most part, but I really like the story idea. I'd like to see it a little bit longer, with more descriptions. After though, are you going to post the next part too? I would'nt mind reading it ^.^

Scarllete Nobile
Crew


Padfeets
Captain

PostPosted: Sun Oct 07, 2007 5:56 pm


I really love the plot idea, but the story itself goes way too fast. First she's here and a second later she's there. You need to be more descriptive. I couldn't really imagine what the darkness what like. Was it smoky? Or just black. Did it have a face at all? Or no? Also, you should describe what went on during those days she was screaming. And if you're screaming for days, you're not going to be able to speak for a while.


Sorry Dory. I totally ripped it up. Dx
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The Midnight Book Club

 
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