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Guise; don't feel like youz is pryin' if you want to read this, just because I initially address Brian. I don't care who reads it, really; I think we all know how open I can be about stuff. :3

I feel like I'll forget if I don't say it now, so I'll say it first:
OH MY GOD; SEND ME CHECKERED PANTS.
Srsly, You know I loves teh skaw. :B



I wouldn't say you've been an a*****e per se.
And if you have been?
Well, it's better you be an a*****e on the computer, than in real life.
I, personally, find it harder to reconcile with someone in person than online.

And...I think I felt that distant thing between us, Kiddo.
I don't know how to explain things, but it's not like I have hard feelings, or anything. Sometimes you can seem a little self-centered, or a bit high on your horse, but we all do that.
I luuh you too, Brian, and really, there's nothin' wrong.
I think sometimes, I do get a little tired of hearing you talk just about yourself, and all the girls you go through, but one day you'll settle down with one girl, and we'll finally hear the end of it. And I mean that in the kindest, most friendly way; we want to hear about your life, but you understand that it's the same story most times.

As for my own life...well, that can be quite the tale, usually. Right now, everything is just...exploding on me, and I feel very frustrated and sad. I feel like I can't control anything that happens to me any more. Control isn't a big issue for me, but when I feel the universe has cornered me like I think it has, I just feel helpless, and some power would be nice, for a change. I just want the ability to do what I need to.
The last month has been hell for me. I was still thinking about July's encounter, and how I needed to get to a clinic very soon to be checked out. I was worried all to hell, feeling almost sure that I'd gotten some sexually transmitted disease or infection from Iulian. So, I've been worried all to hell about being practically an invalid, and had that weight on my shoulders for a few months. I feel very relieved, and incredibly lucky that I have nothing. I called the clinic for results, and I am clean. The only result I have yet to get back is the testing for HIV. That's complete in February. I feel that I am at a minimal risk for having it, but there's the possibility. That bothers me.
There's also...every time it comes back and hits me, what Iulian did to me, Jynx comes back and tells me it's all my fault, because I was stupid. It's hard not to think that it's all your fault when someone you trust so much tells you it is my fault. Nobody has much of an idea how much it hurts, all of the stuff that's happened. I feel dirty, taking off my clothes is something I have to be brave about, and showering makes me feel disgusting.
Everything is really jumbled up. Like, those are just problems from last summer, that still come back to me. Lately, this September.
It's been the worst month of my life.
Nick used me.
He hurt me in June, and I let it go. I didn't talk to him for a month because of the lack of computer, and then I returned, and he was back all over me, like he loved me or something. It went on for two weeks, only for him to tell me then that he had this...sort-of girlfriend in the States. I felt like s**t. He'd told me he loved me, romantically, and...somehow, I was supposed to accept that he had a girl already, and that I was just some side s**t. For whatever reason, he thought I was overreacting about hearing that he had some girl somewhere else. So he broke my heart again in August.
A few days later, he'd somehow managed to convince me that I was the only one for him. I was all over him again, but he didn't want to date me. Something about how we should take it slow, or whatever.
But September rolled around, and we'd argued, and whatnot, but it was September, and I loved him, and he said he loved me. On the fourteenth, he had me take...pictures for him. I had maybe a hundred pornographic photographs for him, all for him, because he asked, and because he said he loved me, and just me. And I was stupid enough to believe him. You'd be amazed at the way he can manipulate someone. But...I gave him all of those pictures. Everything. Even though he knew how terrified I was of my body, of nudity, of sexual things like that, and of men.
I've only told one person this before, but I'll say it here and now.
I'm terrified of men. Of men looking at me, going near me, of making any physical contact with me. Especially my dad.
I'm ******** scared of my own dad. When he hugs me, I want to scream, and I squirm, and try to get as far away as possible. When he kisses my cheek, or the top of my head, I want to throw up, and cry. I feel very vulnerable around my dad, and I'm scared of him. And he's never done anything to me. It's the men in this world. They ruin the relationship I had with my very own daddy. I can't hug him any more. I can't even make eye contact with my dad without something curling in my stomach.
And Nick.
He didn't know I was afraid of my dad, but he knew how much I couldn't stand my body. He knew about the history with rape I'd had. And he told me, he said, "do it for me. Because you love me. Do it for me." And I trusted him. I trusted him with something like that. And you know what? You know what he did?
He threw it all back in my face the next day, and pretended I just wasn't there. He was back to his old, ignoring ways. He loved me for a day, when I was a porn star, and then I was worthless, because he'd gotten what he'd wanted. And that made me feel like the most worthless, useless, ugly piece of s**t that ever could have been. He started talking about how "this girl hurt him so bad, blah blah," and I wondered what the hell I meant to him.
Why would he be able to accept intimate photographs, but not accept a title of "boyfriend"? He already told me he loved me; what was it to him? Of course I wondered why he couldn't date me, but he could tell me he wanted to ******** me.
And when I questioned him, he would tell me I had no faith in him, and that I was paranoid, I was crazy, I didn'y know what I was talking about, I was immature, I wasn't ready for love.
He would turn it all around on me, and everything in the world was my fault, all my fault.
For days, I lost contact with reality.
I'd zoned out one night, and put a safety pin through my lip. I'd come back into reality with the thing pretty much through my mouth, and I was so confused.
There's a cut on my arm. It's more of a gash.
I tear up my arm all the time.
I'm so self-destructive, now.
I'm so self-destructive.

But I said goodbye to Nick. Whether he actually got my offline messages is a mystery to me, and one I hope stays a mystery. I never want to speak to him again. He says he's tough, and s**t. He talks about stealing cars, and ******** people up, but he's not strong enough to handle an irrational little girl's b***h about the way he treats her.
Some tough guy. He doesn't impress me any more.
I can't just be friends with him. Not after he broke my heart four times. Not after all the s**t he's put me through. I don't think I could withstand his manipulative advances, and for that, I will keep him from myself. I try to take care of me by staying away from what hurts.
But it hurts, too, to want to tell someone something, and know you never can. And it hurts to know that he probably feels nothing about all of this. I know the way he is, and I bet he will have already forgotten me. He never needed me, and I always needed someone to need me. He made me feel like s**t, and I couldn't understand why he had to have me, if I wasn't a need. And if I wasn't a need, then I was a trifle, something he could live without. And I can't stand thinking that I am so insignificant to someone who I would think the world of. He didn't think I was a treasure at all.
And I felt very, very worthless.
I still do. I still...do.

I've been a complete emotional wreck the last months. I haven't been okay in a long time. It's weathering me. I feel like I'm falling apart. Everything's going to s**t for me.

So, my heart is broken.
I'm destroying myself, as others are.
And everything...all I've felt lately is stress, and depression.

For those of you who don't know, I am medically depressed, and have borderline personality disorder, perhaps. Dealing with -happy- life is hard enough, forget when everything seems to topple over me.

I never feel motivated to do anything.
This is a huge problem when it comes to school, and the working world.
Jynx tells me I don't get good grades, I don't have a job, and I'm not in the school I want to be because I was and am stupid. Everything is my fault. All of it. She plays a good convincer.
It's not hard to believe that I did it all to myself, and that if I wasn't stupid, I could do all of this.
But the truth is, I just can't juggle school and existing, forget having a job, and doing more than barely passing.

I'm failing Chemistry 30.
It's all that's been on my mind the last while.
If I fail this class, I do not get my diploma. If I drop this class and trade it for anything else, I do not get my diploma. I must pass this class, and specifically this one.
And I am failing already.
It's very hard, and it's stressing me out. I can't take it. I haven't done my homework in a long time, even though I try very hard to understand the material I need to know to be able to do my work. On Thursday night, I stayed up until four in the morning studying for Chemistry, and I'd started that study session at eight PM. I work so hard to understand, but nothing's working in my head. The depression makes me forget things, sometimes, and when I do learn something, it kind of gets swallowed by all these other thoughts, of everything.
I just...I feel like I can't do it.
I feel overwhelmed.
I feel like I never have enough time in the world to just sit down and breathe. I feel like there isn't support coming in from anywhere, and the only feedback I receive is negative. It's all crushing the little hopes I've got.

There's a guy in my chemistry class who looks exactly like Nick.
Every time I look at him, my heart breaks again.
And he stares at me sometimes.

Once I saw that guy walk down the hall, holding hands with some girl.
I felt personally betrayed by this stranger, and I ran home crying.
I just couldn't handle it.
She was prettier than me.

I have overdue projects for every class I'm in.
Everything is getting ******** up because I'm already stressed out,
And we've only been in school three ******** weeks.
It's really killing me.

And I don't know anyone in any of my classes.
There are these people that hang off of me at lunch.
They aren't my friends; I really dislike them a lot of the time.
I have no friends at this new school.
And that is very hard, being a senior with no friends.
This year I'm supposed to know everyone, and it's supposed to be a breeze, and all smiles, all excitement for getting that diploma, and getting out of here.
But for me, all there is is the looming feeling of failure, and...

I just feel so useless.
Helpless.
Hopeless.

Everything's exploding in my face.

I have feelings for Ian. Ian is one of my ex-boyfriends.
He left me more than a year ago, and I shouldn't care at all now.
But I find myself thinking of him all the time.
And I know it's absolutely useless to think of even trying to win him over, because of how we turned out last time. I feel that Ian will not remember the good, and beautiful moments he had with me. I think that all he'll recall is everything that made him so glad to be rid of me in the first place.
He can be friends with me fine, we get along really well as friends.
But we almost never see each other in person, and I just...want to spend time with him.
I want to be with him. I loved the way I felt every day when he looked me in the eye. He was...the best. And I ******** that up, too.
I feel like everything I've ever done was stupid, because I am stupid.
I feel...

It's a very overwhelming way to live.
For God's sake, a kid's cartoon made me want to cry the other day, because I couldn't find true love like Thumbelina did. And I was never like that. I was never like that. And I just...felt like exploding.
I wanted to cry so much.

And I can't cry.
Something's holding me back, even though I am always crying on the inside.

I'm very tired.
This world really was meant to break my heart.
I could say a lot more, too, believe me.
I left out so much.
But I just...

I've been writing for an hour.
I'm done.

Inuy:
Pending


Kai:
Kai, you should be happy to know I read every word of that without breaks, and I took it to heart too. o: And a lot of the things you're feeling right now, I've felt in waves, some nights I feel like there's no point to me being around, and i really do want to cry. I haven't been able to cry either.

I know I said I wasn't going to relate to myself, but I might a little. x.x;
I have a lot to say now, I don't know how to organize it. D:


Well, first off, when it comes to me talking about my own life most of the time...that's really just me telling someone how my day was. I just don't like to keep it all in, and I don't have anyone to talk to about my feelings, or what I did during the weekend or anything. I don't want you guys to feel like I'm full of myself, or I don't care much about you guys, 'cause I do. The people I know over the internet are probably the most valued people in my life right now, because they listen to what I want to say.

And, I don't go through girls, just to let you know. XD I just appreciate talking about a pretty girl I saw that day, or someone I see as a potential girlfriend. That's mostly just because I'm kind of a hopeless romantic. I haven't had a girlfriend in quite a couple of months, but there are girls that make me smile when I see them light up a room.
When it comes to myself and the way I look....I'm honestly not vain. I care a lot about the way I look, but I'm not really even happy with it. I don't think a lot of people are. The point is, I've been trying to get comfortable with my body, and my face and things. I'm self-conscious, sure, but I don't think it's too extremely important that I think my nose is too big. It's everyone else that has to look at me. :B
idk.
It kind of reminds me of ANTM. I don't want you guys to mistake some of my confidence for narcissism. Maybe I talk about it because I'm self-conscious of it, I don't know.


Okay, now that's out of the way, I think.



Kaaaiii.
You know I love you unconditionally, really. You can smoke, and drink, and hurt yourself, and hurt others, and start WWIII, but I'm always gonna love you. I know that you need someone there, and I need someone too, and I'm always gonna care for you. If I don't like something you do, I'd tell you about it, but I'd never get in the way of your life, because you make your choices for a reason, and I'm not going to be one to tell you your reasons are wrong. You're one of the very few people I care about with no strings attached.
And, give me your address, and I'll find out how to mail checkered pants to Canada. o:
I'd probably get in trouble from my mom, though, 'cause she paid for them. You'll just get them when I see you, maybe. XD


Anyway, listen. I'm probably not going to be able to tell you everything I want to, because my brain can't hold your entire post, but maybe I'll add things on and off if I need to. xD

I'm glad you've told me all of your feelings. I know you don't exactly like to talk about this kind of stuff, but this is the kind of stuff I want to be able to talk to people about. Stuff that's real, stuff that hurts, stuff that doesn't have a feeling. In a way, I feel like you've communicated a lot of my feelings over the past few months with what you said. But I'm not going into that.

I think I've said this before, but I will again, and it's definitely not meant to hurt you, I want to just get my thoughts across:
IF NICK CARES ABOUT YOU, HE WOULD RESPECT YOUR FEARS, INSTEAD OF TESTING THEM FOR HIS OWN PLEASURE.
It's not your fault that you didn't see it happening, it's not your fault if being around someone puts you in a certain mood or mindset. It's not your fault if you trust someone just because you need someone you can trust, not neccessarily because the person is trustworthy. I would say, however, that it's his fault for not taking your words to heart, when you tell him you feel uncomfortable, or you tell him you're unhappy. I would say it's his fault for not being the man when he was supposed to be.
I think a lot of people have a tough guy facade(sp?) going on because they're lacking in other portions of their life. Like, for example, communication of thoughts and feelings, or being considerate. I think it's one thing to talk about yourself and be self-centered, and another thing to do things just for your own benefit and be self-centered. I wish I knew Nick personally so that I could examine his character a bit better, and come up with a conclusion, but I'm pretty sure I've already expressed feelings towards him that would ruin a neutral relationship if it were to happen. :B


Kai, I think you should really look at yourself, and try to figure out why you're not motivated to do things. Maybe you don't know the consequences, maybe you do, maybe you don't always have the goal in sight, maybe you do, maybe you just think about it too much and it gets too complicated for your brain to handle, I don't know. Knowing you, I'd think it'd be one of the last two, or both, or some other reason.
Depression is something I've dealt with. BREAK UPS are something I've dealt with. And, no, I don't think there's a way to handle it. In fact, the BEST remedy for me is to just...not think about it. Just do something else, watch the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, play the piano, something. That's what I'd recommend you do, invest your time in something that you know will benefit you in the future. Drinking and smoking take your mind off of it, yes, but they only dig more holes for you to fall into later. That's the only reason why I worry when people do that kind of stuff, Kai, especially you, because I care a lot about you. And I want you to be as healthy as possible when you grow older, but I refuse to take a physical part in it unless I know you're going in the same direction.
I sound like a parent. ;-;

With Ian and Nick, same thing again. Take your mind off of it. AVOID those people, avoid anything that makes you remember those people. Don't let it get in the way of things you want to do. You know, I know I talked about how Sarah's hated my guts for a whole year now, and I honestly don't feel like I've been getting over her until a month or two ago. She was my first girlfriend, and most prominent girlfriend, and I cared a lot about her, and I still do. And I'm glad I dated her, because I have experience.
But after this whole year...I'm tired of trying to make things right, because I don't think they will be, and I know anything that comes out of my mouth, she'll twist around, because she already has her strong opinions about me. I wish I could make things better with her, but I feel like in my heart they never will be. And after each of our huge fights, I remember why we're not together. Maybe you've just forgetten why you guys are broken up. (I feel like I reflect a lot of your feelings here) I still remember all the good things from my relationship with Sarah. And I feel like all she remembers is the bad. I don't really believe that, despite what she tells me, but I can tell she wants to move on. And parts of me deep inside want to move on. So I keep my memories, and ignore the temptations, because my brain says it'll turn into a fight.

I don't know if I communicated that very well. >.<;
And I'm not trying to unload all of my baggage either, I'm only saying this so that you can relate it to yourself. I don't know if you can, but I'm going to at least try and hope we have a common ground there. D:


You know, I'm really scared this post is making me look too proud, or too ignorant, or too opinionated or something. Just know, I'm not really proofreading this, this is all me, trying to make things a little easier for you emotionally. This is me caring for you.
100% bbycakes. ;-;

Scooby:
You posted while I was typing this, and now I need to read yours before I respond. D< ,sdhgskhlerh
>.>;

So KC, I hope you don't mind if I like, give advice without venting even though this your "I'm sorry" thread but if I see something like this, I can't help but be all *helpful*.

KC, it's fine. Everybody goes through these stages and yeah, sometimes you get self centered but who doesn't ya know? You're not so bad that everybody hates you and wishes you'd go die. You get cocky. I've done it too. xD You're human, not a weird robot, congrats. :'D <3

Inuy, since when have families always been perfect? Consider yourself pretty lucky you have people who care about you.

Kai, *hug* Life can be really ******** tough. I mean, there's a lot of people who want to give up and sometimes, they do. But I know you're a strong person and you can get through it. I believe in you.

I can understand kind of about the whole idea of being afraid of guys since I am too. :3 I've never had men in my life so they scare me a lot. And the guys in your life have obviously been jerks and have not understood how amazing you are and how great they'd be to have you. But it's done and it can never be taken back. Life is full of bad things but that can be good. We learn. And Thumbelina is so amazingly unrealistic. And she shows her legs off too much. :3

I felt that way about school since I was like, 11. xD I really know how that feels. But I mean, I cannot give you any advice on that. After certain circumstances, I had to dropout so.

But Kai, ilu and I probably can't say what you need but just know people love you :3

Scooby, we're serious buddies so AIM, 'kay? <3

I'm sorry my replies are probably like crap. I'm exhausted and I'm not saying anything intelligible. Like always, y'know. :3 And this post took me so long and it's probably gonna be outdated by the time I post it but I'm too tired so sorry xD

But Ilu all DD: <33333333333333 Even you, Inuy.

At first I looked at this thread and was like "...I really shouldn't post here :3" but after the s**t that happened last night, I feel like I should.

But I'm not.

I'll just say that I feel bad for all of you, really. Problems... suck. -lame-