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Tags: Role play, design, debate, poetry, painting 

Reply The Writer's Block
critique please

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aztec-ninja

PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2007 9:13 pm


this one is brand new hasin't been in any other forums yet. So enjoi. oh and be honest and detailed


the massive man with the lightest touch
sees the target no need to rush
blood of jaguar warrior is his strength
tengu child mind keeps him alive at length
the perfect balance of rage and calm
quoting the pope as he's qouting Psalms
beautiful mind beautiful rage
let out, stage by stage
yet his two sides are extremely strong
he keeps the peace but for how long
which would you like the heat or the cold
I assure you neither, now you've been told
because either way the end's the same
a man in the shadows yet destined for fame
looks for the good side inside others
yet beware those who would harm his brothers
a perfect balance of brains and brawn
not of heaven or hell but human spawn
mess with cold fire and hot ice will be your end
but stand by my side and stand with AN
PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2007 9:35 pm


aztec-ninja

blood of a jaguar warrior gives him strength
child of tengu mind keeps him alive at length


These are a bit long, not very seamless with the lines above it, as the first two lines flow very well, that's a bit of an injustice. You could easily pare it down, 'blood of jaguar is his strength; tengu's child gives life at length', something like that?
aztec-ninja

the perfect balance of rage and calm
quoting the pope as he's qouting Psalms


This mention of the pope is very interesting, my favorite lines in the poem. misspell on 'quoting'.
aztec-ninja

beatiful mind beautiful rage
let out, but only stage by stage
yet his two sides are extremely strong
he keeps the peace but for how long
let out sounds a bit off to me. spelling on 'beautiful' (like the french word beau, for beauty)

aztec-ninja
which would you like the heat or hte cold
I assure you neither, now you've been told
That second the doesn't add anything, doesn't seem necessary. Also, it's misspelled.
aztec-ninja
looks for the good side inside of others
yet beware those who would harm his brothers
a perfect balance of brains and brawn
not of heaven or hell but of human spawn

If you remove the two 'ofs' here, it might run smoother.
aztec-ninja

mess with cold fire and hot ice will be your end
but stand by my side and stand with AN
Is AN his name? It might help to introduce that that's his name somewhere, because it's unusual.

Frogsnack
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Frogsnack
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2007 9:41 pm


All in all, I like it. It seems as if you worked hard on it, and maybe corrected it too many times, there's a few places where it reads more like a story than a poem (the flow). However, maybe it's just me, as there is a style of poetry out there that has no rhyme or verse, and does read that way. I forget the name of it, lol.

Also, welcome aboard! I saw your screen name, and had to invite you! ^^ 3nodding
PostPosted: Wed Sep 26, 2007 10:53 pm


First off thks for inviting me, second I really like it here people actually give you details about what needs to be corrected instead of just thrashing it, and third AN stands for Aztec Ninja one of my two aliases. oh and thanx for the critique.

aztec-ninja


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 9:26 am


Woot. No trouble! I also liked your avi's tattoo, I can't make the brown ones work on me. crying

Nice to see it belongs somewhere, heh.
PostPosted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 12:34 pm


brown ink for brown skin, suprised that it doesn't completely blend in. They're cheaper any way.

aztec-ninja


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 4:33 pm


True. You know, they make demon wings for the back, too? I want to wear 'em, but all the girl's apparel covers 'em up!
PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 6:15 pm


Wow, I really don't know much to say after Frog's help. Taking out the second 'the' in the first line might help the flow. Rather than "quoting the pope as he's quoting Psalms" I would suggest "quoting the pope as he quotes Psalms." That would probably do okay as is if you didn't want to change it, though. I'm not sure what you mean by "let out, stage by stage" but I would suggest another syllable in there. Maybe "let it out" instead. In "looks for the good side inside others" you might want to replace inside with within or something so you don't repeat side. And last of all, I would suggest trying to cut out two or three syllables in second to last line, but I'm not sure the best way pull that off.

As for your wings, Frog, The Alice dresses like the one I'm wearing and I think possible the Jenny dresses show them.

Requiem of Antiquity

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The Writer's Block

 
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